To think it’s weird when women say they point out pretty women to their men?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

I keep seeing women say they’ll nudge their partner and go “she’s stunning” or “look at her body!” like it’s proof they’re confident or chill. And while I get not being insecure, it just feels performative at times, like they’re trying too hard to be the “cool” girlfriend or wife.

What really gets me is you’re not doing the same thing with men. You’re not pointing out hot guys to your man and comparing them to him. So what’s the actual dynamic here?

AIBU to think it’s kind of weird and maybe rooted in something more than just confidence?

I might remark that a woman on TV is attractive but not a passerby IRL.

I've known couples where they make remarks about people on TV, but not seen it in public. It's not something that I've felt any desire to do and I wonder how the people who've been on the receiving end of this have felt.

Personally, I find comparing beautiful people to beautiful things makes me feel uneasy and I find discussing people in public where they can potentially see and hear & be impacted different to a private conversation at home.

The closest I've had is people who feel like they can have a conversation about my 'beautiful', 'exotic', 'interesting' or whatever preferred adjective accent in my ear shot, occasionally directly to me. With the latter, I've a few times pushed back that I find that uncomfortable - I've been where I live decades and in the political climate, the last thing I want is to be reminded that I'm always going to be an outsider. I've not once had anyone apologise, it's always 'but it's so <adjective>, combined with them wanting to pull me into their guessing game. I put them in a similar category to those who go on about how I 'don't sound local' - either way I'm an object whose caught their attention because of a difference and my feelings as a person don't come into it.

There are some really strange (and probably insecure) women on this thread.

I am not attracted to women in the slightest but if you want to believe I am then go ahead.

I don't say about another women to titilate my husband. I am not that pathetic.

AGAIN I will state it is something I rarely say as I don't honestly think there are that many very attractive men or women around. On the rare occasion I make it comment it will just be something like "oh what a pretty girl/woman" just as I would say "oh what a gorgeous dog/cat/baby/flower/tree". I am not having an orgasm at how wonderfully beautiful someone is and waxing lyrical to DH about them.

If you and your OH don't have that kind of relationship then fine but why be bothered that others do?

How the fuck would anyone know that I (or anyone else) had made a comment. Some people are so strange and can't even read posts properly. I DO NOT SAY IT SO LOUD THE PERSON CAN HEAR!!!!! Is that clear enough for you?

Its never occurred to me to point someone out to DH unless we know them!
If someone is stunningly beautiful in our vicinity I guess I assume he can already see them as he has eyes in his head. I say 'guess' because I have never given it any thought in the 35 years ive been with him!

Sorry, I should clarify that I DON'T think this is the only reason a woman might do that. I don't see anything wrong with pointing out someone attractive just because it's nice to aesthetically appreciate beautiful people.

But it is sadly true that a small minority of women view women in that fetishistic way : some even go as far as to predatorily 'unicorn hunt' on dating apps, pretending to want to date women, but later revealing they want their male partner to be involved.

Yes I think it is performative. I think it's quite rude to point out a woman and comment on her body regardless of who is pointing it out to who, female-female, male-male, male-female. Talking about someone being attractive when they are not around is fine but pointing someone out could make the pointed out person feel very uncomfortable if they clock it.

I think the reason it makes me feel uncomfortable is because it feels a bit like a woman saying “don’t worry dear, I’m on side with the oggling”. Trying to get approval from your husband by getting ahead of him noticing other women so it’s not your husband with a wandering eye, it’s you directing his attention and actually it’s a “we” rather than just the husband assessing other women's attractiveness and the wife/gf feeling insecure.

I find this whole thing very interesting.

Another day, another realisation that people really are so different to me thanks to the internet 🫣.

@Americano75 @mydogisthebest I bet it never occurred to you that every other person thinks you fancied every person, dog, car, flower you ever thought was eye-catching and that you were so kind of weirdo.

And fyi, I don't run up to random twenty year olds in the street and pay them compliments , behave yourselves 😂.

No worries.

I think my poor husband would have a heart attack if I tried that kind of game!

I dunno, I'm starting to question my entire sexuality as a result of this thread.

Happy to be a weirdo though. Rather that than dull. 😆

As a parent of a nearly adult dd some of the comments have given me the ick. The only thing worse than being ogled by a man is being ogled by a man with support from his simpering wife. Gross. Some of you have no idea how creepy you sound.

Yeah I think it’s weird, I was out for the day once with my friend, well she’s an ex friend now and her husband, it was a hot day we were in a park, a woman was sitting down but she leant over to see to her kids and she clearly had no knickers on, my ex friend this is going to seem weird well it was, she started smiling and nudged her husband to look, it was almost like she got excited about it, her husband wasn’t very happy though he told her off, and told her to calm down, I just thought how strange of her to do that, I’ve never forgot her weird behaviour.

As the parent of an actual adult daughter I been assure you I've never 'ogled' a woman in my life.

I went to an all girls school and was bullied relentlessly by people like you who could never say anything nice about another girl.

Deleted by poster

I went to an all girls school and was bullied relentlessly by people like you who could never say anything nice about another girl

I’m not sure why this matters to anyone. Some women do things differently to you. So what? Not your relationship, not your problem.

I find it very misogynistic when people immediately assume that anyone who has a more relaxed approach than them to certain things is ‘just trying to be a cool wife’ to impress/keep/attract men, rather than simply living her life in a way that works for her. The assumption that any woman who doesn’t seem insecure or jealous of other women is secretly just doing it for men is so dismissive and reductive of women’s experiences and autonomy. Women are capable of making honest choices for themselves. Sometimes they might be different from yours.

I don’t spend my life pointing out women to my partner but if someone strikes me as unusually and noticeably attractive I might make that observation to him just as I would to any of my friends. A while back DP and I had a guided tour of a small visitor attraction. Afterwards we were chatting about how good the tour guide was and I said “Also, HOW stunning was she?!” or something because the girl was, indeed, absurdly beautiful. I’ve also made joking remarks to DP when we’ve been walking behind a woman wearing tiny shorts, just in a “Blimey, she’s not shy is she? type way.

Exactly. Like, why would I do that if I’m not bisexual? I’m not out here pointing out every attractive guy to my partner and expecting him to join in. So I don’t really see the point. I can acknowledge when a woman or men is gorgeous, obviously, but that’s something I’d say to the person to make them happy, not to my partner, unless there’s a specific context, like if I’m fangirling, or we’re talking about celebrities we like, that kind of casual random chatter after a couple drinks with friends, that's a different vibe entirely. But as a general habit? No. It doesn’t make sense to me and seems a little degrading and also objectifying of others.

Oh believe me DH is highly unlikely to see them. He has, in the past, been sat close to a famous person (both male and female) and has never noticed.

He will always notice a dog but not a person

I don't point anyone out and nor am I commenting on their body.

He will always notice a dog but not a person
Thats me! We can be walking along and I'll go 'DH LooK!!!!!!'
Dh will be like 'yeah, its a dog, cute but its a dog! 😆 🤣 😂

Thats the thing, most of the women on here aren’t insecure or jealous. Thats not the reason I don’t do it. The reason I don’t do it I think is

a) it wouldn’t occur to me
b) I would feel creepy encouraging my husband to assess the attractiveness of some poor random woman in the street who never asked us to look at her or pass comment on her
c) objectifying women is horrendous, I have a Dd I want it stamped out.
d) it would make me feel like I’m in some way degrading myself and other women simultaneously (I would feel like a pick me).

I don’t think people who find this objectionable are insecure I think they think women who do this are insecure and that it’s weird and slightly gross behaviour.

How often does your Dh comment on how good looking men are? Do you point out fit men all the time? If it’s just women then yeah I think you have internalised misogyny.