To think it’s weird when women say they point out pretty women to their men?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

I keep seeing women say they’ll nudge their partner and go “she’s stunning” or “look at her body!” like it’s proof they’re confident or chill. And while I get not being insecure, it just feels performative at times, like they’re trying too hard to be the “cool” girlfriend or wife.

What really gets me is you’re not doing the same thing with men. You’re not pointing out hot guys to your man and comparing them to him. So what’s the actual dynamic here?

AIBU to think it’s kind of weird and maybe rooted in something more than just confidence?

I point out cute babies/toddlers to my DP. I’m post menopause so not looking to have any of our own but we are both quite broody for grand children :)

Thank you. It's not like I am shouting at the top of my voice "oh look at that gorgeous woman" or similar.

As I said, I am a talker. I can talk for England to be honest and me and DH talk about literally everything.

…that’s the most contrived wraparound for an expression of insecurity I’ve ever seen on here, and framing it as an AIBU was a stroke of manipulative genius. I think the arbitrary use of ‘performative’ let you down a bit. But apart from that, absolutely top-drawer passive-aggressive goading.

I give it a 9.8.

Super rare 🤣

as if he didn't clock the pretty woman before his partner anyway! oh honey look at that stunning woman.. oh yes, now you have pointed her out i see her, i absolutely wasnt checking her out the second she came into view or anything

Is this actually a thing? Obviously people point out all sorts of things to their partners but I've never once encountered anyone who's then told third parties that they point out pretty women as a sort of badge of honour.

DP and I religiously point out beautiful dogs to each other but I mostly don't randomly comment on other people's looks - if so there's always a context. A while back two friends broke up - amicably so still turned up to some of the same parties and so on - but in the wake of the break-up both of them obviously hit the gym and had a glow-up, and after we left one of those parties we both commented in an amused way how HOT both of them were suddenly looking - R with her crop top and abs and swish new hairstyle, S with his newfound biceps, a tighter T-shirt than I'd ever seen him wear before and he'd actually got rid of that awful beard.

Well I've never told anyone that I do this because why would I? Only posted here because the OP (and a few others) thought it strange.

It could be that lots of people you know do it but they just don't say anything because, as I said, why would you.

We are always pointing out beautiful dogs to each other as there are loads and loads of them around

Yes exactly. The OP's premise (that this is an actual social trend) is just weird.

Love pointing out beautiful dogs, so many very good boys and girls to notice!

I don't really do it, so I can't comment authoritatively, but this is more or less what I have always felt lay behind it. Or some kind of plea for reassurance, of fishing for compliments etc.

I had a very insecure friend who used to do it.

Also insecure are the women who immediately find fault with very beautiful women and point that out: "Doesn't her nose look like a banana!" I think it's a reverse image of the same feeling.

I think secure women probably manage to notice (or not!), think it and move on to the next thought, having decided there isn't much to be gained by commenting - and telling their other half probably just leaves them feeling there is a trap lying somewhere in giving their answer.

I would comment on, say, a lovely house (or hotel or painting, or whatever) to my DH, but that's because I'd like him to add it to his mental knowledge bank of "nice houses" so we are forever kind of developing and evolving our tastes alongside each other ahead of "if and when" we book a holiday, buy a house etc but I'm not really so invested in developing his taste in women ...

I've just asked my husband if me remarking on a woman's beauty makes him feel like he's being trapped/I'm fishing for comments/I'm insecure and he looked at me like I'm mental.

Honest to goodness.

I don’t not comment on women because of insecurity, it’s because I don’t care. I wander around thinking loads of things I don’t say out loud. Like jesus what a prick, wonder where she got those shoes, wonder of thats fillers. It just seems strange to point out attractive women to Dh like I’m presenting them for his approval. I doubt any woman would appreciate me pointing her out for my Dh to assess. There’s something really off about doing this.

Just got the same look from Dh when I asked him about this.

Are these women bi? I am & know some who who are & do this. I don't like it myself, in my view I tends to be women who'd never consider a relationship with a woman but view attraction to women almost in a fetishistic way, as if the main thing they like about it is that they can use it to titillate men.

I suppose, if it's the only gorgeous thing you ever point out!

I can't walk by a pram without trying to get a peek, or walk past a dog without saying hello. I mean, it's nice to notice the beauty in what is often a dark world.

I didn’t realise people did this.

we’ve only done this to celebrity crushes - and even then it’s rare - we might be watching a movie and I might be like “he is handsome” or I might be staring too hard and he comments. He has said things like “I had a crush on x celeb when I was younger” - and I’d normally understand that maybe the crush is still there.

I would find it weird to do this to everyday people though. Very strange.

It puts men in a tough position. Agree and you’re saying you fancy another woman. Disagree and you’re always saying she’s wrong.

Feels like games & manipulation to me.

Yes I think so too.

And as a pp rightly pointed out, it's not actually that nice for the woman herself to be unknowingly submitted for committee assessment. A private thought is one thing and often inevitable; being discussed is another - and not inevitable.

I think celebrities are a slightly different case because realistically they have to realise they are putting themselves on the radar of the public.

I am not bi. I am not attracted to women in the slightest. Thinking someone is attractive does not mean I am attracted to them

It's like something Bernard Manning would say. 😆

And I've never had to resort to any such nonsense to 'titilate' my husband! 😆 🤣

To me that's kind of the point of commenting: let's think vaguely, loosely, about when we have a grandchild/ should we get a new puppy/ do that to our garden/ buy a car like that etc.

But hot woman kind of doesn't fit the dynamic!

Sometimes I think women, especially younger ones, are trying to get a handle on his tastes so they can better adapt themselves to it - which is a bit 😬ETA It's kind of "Know Thine Enemy!" psychology sometimes I think! They'd rather know from which direction the "competition" might spring. It doesn't strike me as a secure thing to do.

Its really gross to encourage your husband to ogle a young woman’s bottom. How do you think she might have felt about that?

This thread is a bit odd actually, so many seem comfortable with objectifying other women.

I think theres a difference between thinking a baby or a dog is cute and pointing out a woman is attractive to a man, thats usually a sexual attractiveness driven assessment of someone. I just don’t think secure people do this kind of thing. I know my husband isn’t blind and can see attractive women, I’ve never caught him oggling a woman thank god because I’d be downright embarrassed. I’m sure he looks, I’ve definitely had a sneaky peak myself.

It just seems like an extremely odd thing to do. I don’t point them out because other womens attractiveness isn’t important to me so I don’t focus on it. Usually when I speak to Dh about other women it’s things like “she’s so fucking funny” “she’s so clever”. I’ve only mentioned attractiveness when it’s relevant (I have a very beautiful, clever, lovely friend who’s husband seems to have zero interest in for example, we decided that being beautiful is clearly not always enough for love).

I tend to only draw Dh’s attention to things we both value, so it tends to be interesting articles. We are talking about living breathing women here and I would no more draw Dh’s attention to a beautiful woman than I would draw his attention to an unattractive womans appearance. It feels like misogyny and insecurity.

Quite, it’s fucking weird.

I just can't get my head around that, it seems very basic. I can also manage to recognise attractive men without fancying them. If I was insecure I'd keep my mouth shut!

Jeezo.