Uncle making upsetting comments about my parenting.

[hkathy]

Young ‘uncle’ (close family friend), 60s, has two grown up children of his own.
Came round for dinner about 6 months ago. Two year old comes home from 10 hour day at nursery. Wants attention from me. I read her a book.
Showing uncle something on youtube. Two year old wants to watch peppa pig. No tantrums, just a bit of whining.
Uncle makes small comment about ‘setting’ boundaries.
DH takes DD upstairs for bath. DD cries.
Uncle says that when she’s acting out like this we should ignore her because she’s manipulating us.
I say yes ok.
Day later uncle sends a text saying ‘hope I didn’t speak out of turn. But you need to set boundaries, don’t let her rule over you’
Week later uncle sends a parenting book in the post; doesn’t even pay enough postage so we have to go to the post office, pay the £1 or whatever it was, come home to find he’s sent us a parenting book.
Month or so later uncle sends another text. “Watching a little girl DDs age at the station. Parents looking exhausted.”
So on every month or so. Can’t remember all the texts. most recent one says “Remember! don’t let the tail wag the dog”.

Since it’s an uncle, I haven’t said anything out of respect. Just ‘ok, thank you. Thank you, yes that makes sense’

But it’s now eating away at me. Essentially he’s saying my kid is spoilt. I am NOT confrontational and wouldn’t/ couldn’t say anything to him. Even if I tried I think I would just make an arse of myself/ get upset/ cry.

Seeing him for the first time since the original comment next week, in a family setting. No doubt he will bring it up. I’m so upset about it I’ve hired a babysitter and won’t be bringing the kids.

What would you say/ how would you approach it? Bear in mind the more confrontational you are with him the more it will strengthen his view, it will essentially be pointless to say something against his viewpoint.

I have relatives like this. Tbh I just smile nod and patronise them a little by saying "sure, whatever you say" - it's been so long since they've been parents they've probably forgotten what the early years are like. With some men, they've probably never had to parent (particularly a 60 year old man, he probably did v little). If I'm feeling particularly vindictive or petty I'll start dishing out unsolicited advice about how they need to exercise and watch their diet at their age 😆

Don't let the tail wag the dog! 🫨

Don't let the uncle set the tone, more like

Also my dad tried this with and I'm afraid to say I made a narky comment back about how he's clearly the expert given he spent so much of our childhood away from us but I wouldn't necessarily recommend that route.

I’d love to make a comment about the fact his adult son doesn’t talk to him and has never had a job.

Smile and nod and ignore. He is rude not to take the hint about unsolicited advice being unwelcome.

Don't let it get to you. If he makes a direct comment or a question then you could explain or just say something extremely vague and noncommittal.

It’s irritating I’d guess but a little funny too, people forget how hard it is with young kids! Id say nod, smile and ignore, and maybe check out the parenting book but don’t tell him that!!

I would take him to one side and say please stop. Your own behaviour as a father is no example, you saw a snapshot of how my child behaves, you have no comprehension on how good she is. From now on I will be ignoring any texts, or information you give me, and I would mention the fact that his own son doesn’t talk to him

Then walk away, and if he doubles down just block him

You can’t stop them, you just have to feel amused at their audacity and change the subject as if you didn’t hear it. Play dumb, basically.

Doooooooo iiiiiiiiiit!

Oh now that is tempting

😂😂😂😂😂

Thanks for your comments. I know theyre coming from a well meaning place but theyre not helpful. I have however taken on your advice about setting boundaries.

As you’ll see, ive solved the problem for you this time by arranging for my children to be elsewhere so you don’t need to interact with them as you obviously find it difficult to be around our family.

Have a think, and let me know how you want to handle things going forward. Can either do things including my children, with no comments on parenting styles. Or, can not see them. Those are my boundaries and that’s one piece of advice that has really resonated with me.

How about pushing back on the discomfort even via a text message if necessary, in essence saying how you find his behaviour overstepping and inappropriate followed by a decent amount of silence to let him stew on your perspective to shut off the payback he is getting from the power trip he is currently on.

You could get AI to help you to phrase it and use the often recommended “I” statements.

Then wait and see how he reacts when he is called out.

There are absolutely tonnes of people who behave this way.

Over the years I developed a strategy of dealing with this after the first encounter instead of letting them build up a head of steam. It has proven to be revolutionary.

Happily have a follow up conversation if necessary to restore things back to a cordial interaction but never let overstepping go unchecked.

Why would you get a babysitter unless you were never planning to take your DC to this next family event?
His comments should not affect your decisions to that point, for goodness sake don't let him undermine you!!
Surely he will then have a field day thinking you can't manage your own children in a social setting and that he was right all along?
I'd tell him as politely as I could through gritted teeth that whilst you appreciate he's trying to help, things have changed since his children were young and you can manage yours perfectly well and would rather he didn't bring the subject up again.

Tell him to be quiet and ask him about his own son.

He sounds like a pain. I know it’s not the point of the thread, but saying a 60yo man will likely not have done any parenting seems harsh. Most of the dads I know are pretty good. DH is late 50s and was and is a good dad.

This ^^ I wouldn’t mention his family as others have said, but if you keep thanking him for his advice he will just carry on! You don’t need to be confrontational or explain too much how it makes you feel, just tell him what’s going to happen from now on

Well there’s someone in this scenario who needs boundaries setting. Just not the two year old.

In light of this, I find his cheek at giving you parenting advice even more unacceptable. He sounds like he has no self-awareness.

It sounds like you do need to set boundaries though, so he's correct on that. It's boundaries with 'uncle' that need setting asap.

I don't like confrontation, but this sort of thing might push me to it. The next time he starts off, I would just nod away and say: "So is this the method you used on Bertie (the jobless son that does nit talk to him) is it?", ‘’Did Bertie respond well to that approach when he was a toddler?" etc, etc. I would never say anything directly confrontational if it will just make him dig in, but I think that this might hit the spot. Also, if he starts making negative comments in front of your family, they might be interested in his answers in light of his successful parenting.

What a prick. It would make me want to decrease contact with him.

Do it - with a head tilt!

Being charitable for a second, he is possibly being fed a load of BS on social media/through TV news etc about how parents today are completely lax and boundaryless, proudly refuse to potty train until the child is 12, just love sitting around gazing adoringly at their child waiting for the next order etc etc - none of which is remotely likely to be the way you parent because it's a ridiculous caricature made to whip people into a frenzy.

Likewise unless he is a weird creepy sadist he is probably not expecting you to turn around and flog your small child to within an inch of her life because she didn't show appropriate respect by daring to express an emotion.

There is a lot of polarisation in social media parenting content and I think it demonises both "parents today" (as being lax and useless) and "the boomer generation" (as being controlling, out of touch or abusive).

In reality hardly anyone is so extreme. You likely do have age-appropriate expectations and boundaries, and he probably doesn't expect you to never let her watch cartoons or for her to act like a placid robot at all times. You're probably closer to each others' idea of "good parenting" than the idea you've built up in your heads of each other, even though there probably are generational differences in your approach.

I would take DD to the event. If he makes a comment, try to see it through an angle of "we agree really, and he's reacting to an extreme stereotype which I also don't agree with". See if that helps.

The only caveat would be if you remember him parenting your cousin(s) as children and you thought very little of his parenting even back then and so did/do other members of the family - in that case I'd probably think to myself, well I want to parent completely opposite to how he did it, so if he thinks we're getting it wrong then I'm probably on the right track! It's then much easier to laugh off/dismiss any feelings of being judged etc, and you can rest assured that people probably aren't all thinking the sameas he is anyway.

I mean, you could do 👀 BUT it will just blow up on you and may not be fair on his son, so I wouldn't recommend it!

Don't let it eat at you, honestly. I've come to realise people just love to say SOMETHING so they can hear the sound of their own voice and feel like they are making a difference by giving you crucial groundbreaking advice.

Sell the parenting book on Vinted as revenge 😂

If any of the family and/or your 'uncle' ask why your children are not attending the event tell them why - "Uncle does not approve of our parenting, so we decided we needed a break from the constant criticism for once and arranged for a babysitter." Perfectly truthful. Wait for the uncomfortable silence...

It's more than odd that he's texting you after a visit to say that. Why would he do that? And the sending a book, that's also strange? Are you particularly close?