To throw adopted DS out?

[Aimen0]

DS was officially adopted when he was 1, he always knew he was adopted but he had a good childhood and he was happy. His behaviour wasn't always perfect (he got detentions in school etc) but no child is perfect all the time!

He's now 17, 18 in march and he's barely home, very into drugs and when he is home he's unpleasant to be around. He shouts at the dog, gets in my face and has hit his DH. He was accused of spiking a girls drink with pills (it wasn't reported and he denies this, but I don't know what to believe).

We don't know what to do anymore, DH also works away so it's just me most of the time. The friends he had from school etc have distanced themselves so it's just friends that are into drugs.

I'm at my wits’ end and so worried about him. I don't know if I actually would go through with throwing him out but I don't know what to do

Is post-adoption support still accessible at his age? Why is throwing him out the next step? Is he working or in education?

Would you if he hadn’t been adopted?

Regardless of whether he is adopted or not, he's your son - you brought him up.

If you want to consider asking him to leave then do, but he's no less your son because of his adoption.

Does you and he have post adoption support?

Did he have any support for his attatchment issues and did you adapt your parenting to make it appropriate for an adopted child?

Interesting you need to say he was adopted, does that mean you don't see him as your child? You could simply have asked 'should I throw my son out' for those behaviours, unless you believe that being adopted is linked or relevant to the behaviour?

I couldn't do that personally; I couldn't live with the thought of my child being homeless on a cold street, begging somewhere. I see it often where I live and it breaks my heart.

If he is into drugs, I feel that nothing you say will help the situation at the moment. All you can do is keep the door open for him so he has a warm home to come to and engage very minimally. Tell him that you are worried about him and leave it at that. There is some very good advise on https://talktofrank.com/get-help/concerned-about-a-child

In your position, if I could afford to book a holiday, adventure or a trip away with him, I would do that. He would probably say no but I would offer. Just to get him away from the friends for a couple of weeks and maybe inspire him by new surroundings.

I think if the OP had said “do I throw my 18 year old son out” people would be saying yes.

Could you ask the police to pop round and have a word with him - I know they used to do this so apologies if they don't anymore

The adopted bit is very relevant IMO. I'm guessing his birth parents were into drugs and that was the reason he was put up for adoption? It's common the kids often go back to this sort of lifestyle.

It all sounds very difficult and a friend of mine went through something very similar with two of her kids (both adopted), she didn't throw them out but she did have to distance herself eventually to protect herself, physically and mentally. It's very difficult.

I'm also adopted but this was nearly 60 years ago and babies were taken into care for different reasons in those days.

I don’t have an adopted child but I’d certainly chuck my biological child out given the same set of circumstances.

As a social worker who knows what young people's supported accommodation is like I would not be saying yes

OP if you 'throw him out' his life trajectory is likely to go downhill fast. If you stick it out there is a chance he will come out the other side of this ok. But sending him into the homelessness pipeline is the last thing he needs.

What difference does it make that he's adopted? Or is this when the drip feed starts!!

The OP says he’s hardly home anyway and when he is home he’s abusive to the people and animals in the house. What is this ‘home’ offering him exactly aside from people abd things to abuse?

I don't know what him being adopted has to do with anything? Perhaps if he had come to you in his teens it would be a reason for mentioning it, but ultimately, he is your son.

This may be a silly question because I am sure it is the first thing you did, but have you tried giving him an ultimatum? Shape up or ship out?

No, hes not working or in education. He just scraped through his GCSEs with 3s and 4s and started college last year. He instantly had problems with it, he wasn't enjoying his course. The college let him change courses but he still wasn't really attending and was removed off of the course due to attendance. He started live streaming himself playing games (older DS also does similar so I couldn't stop him and make him get a different job). But he lost interest in that because he realised it wasn't as easy as he thought. And then since about May he's been on a downward spiral with the drugs and his behaviour.

If this was older DS, i’d also be thinking of kicking him out

It makes a difference that he is adopted because the behaviour may well be linked to that.

I agree with the others to try Post Adoption Support, and get in there before he is 18.

You are his 'forever' parents, but you need to protect yourselves emotionally and if that means arranging alternative accommodation to give you all space maybe that's what will be needed.

In my youth, I knew a few boys like your son all from good homes, just got into a wrong crowd and lifestyle.
I have a tale of two outcomes.
One of the boys parents, one day moved to a remote village, one day he was just gone from our lives. He now is a senior military man with a family and a great life.
The other, buried their heads in the sand then then eventually chucked him out. He had a wonderful childhood, million pound home and everything a child could ask for. He has just been sent to prison for robbing old ladies.
I think drastic action is needed, he is your son. You have a duty of care. What can you do to get him away from this lifestyle? If its drastic, then still do it. Chucking kids out is basically handing them over to the people that are influencing them.

Sorry OP, that's a horrible position. I would let him know he needs to move out at 18 so he can start planning now. The fact that he has assaulted your husband to me means it's no longer safe to have him in the home.

Why on earth is him being adopted even remotely relevant??? The fact that you say it makes me wonder if his adoption has been front and foremost with you for most of his life. I say this as a grown woman who was herself adopted and as a mother who adopted her eldest and have natural born children also. Being adopted is just a part of our lives. Like having brown hair or blue eyes. It doesn’t define me or my children. And the poster who said if he came from a birth family who were into drugs then it was reasonable that this was a path he would then follow…..wtf???? I’d like to see the research that supports that opinion.

Try and get post-adoption support, go to gp anything. Why was he adopted? A lot of kids adopted these days are up for adoption due to previous abuse, neglect, exposure to drugs before birth, all things that can very sadly affect the developing brain and mean that regulating their behaviour is very hard and sometimes impossible. Or maybe it’s just the current drugs and friends and his choices that are the problem and feeling hopeless with no purpose in life.
Please try hard to get him help before chucking him out. He only has you, it sounds really difficult but it will be hard for him to turn his life are without you supporting him some way. Try and get him support before he’s 18 because it will be harder once he’s an adult. Hopefully other people will have more specific advice, it sounds like a nightmare but he is likely to be more vulnerable due to his disrupted early life.

A HUGE one - it is common for adopted teenagers to face challenges in term of identity, emotional regulation and a sense of abandonment - it is sadly far too common due to a lack of support

@Aimen0 have you reached out for adoption specific support here for both of you to try and help navigate this

What has him being adopted got to do with it? If you adopted him then he is your son. Would you be asking the same question in the same way as you have if you had given birth to him?

You need to go to children’s services BEFORE he turns 18 and say you both need support and the adoption is at risk of breaking down. Do as much as you can and work with whichever service (FIT/EH/CSC etc) you are opened to, to stop him going ‘back’ into care. As the SW above mentioned, semi independent accom via the LA for solo teen males is really not optimal at all and any semblance of recovering his trajectory will bottom out.

Hopefully as it’s an adoption case he would be allocated a PA who can work with him and connect him with organisations you won’t be able to access as a parent.

Adoption breakdowns are not rare, you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing and there are some options but you need to do it asap, once he’s 18 it becomes much, much harder.

Yes I do agree with PP that his behaviour may very unfortunately be linked to the reason he was adopted so I do feel for you . He may have been taken away because of drug abuse basically. I do think you all need specialist support. Maybe the only way to access it is to at least threaten to make him homeless . Tough love I know but something will have to be done and quickly before he escalates .

I agree with this.
You can't give up on him he's your son.