To throw adopted DS out?

[Aimen0]

DS was officially adopted when he was 1, he always knew he was adopted but he had a good childhood and he was happy. His behaviour wasn't always perfect (he got detentions in school etc) but no child is perfect all the time!

He's now 17, 18 in march and he's barely home, very into drugs and when he is home he's unpleasant to be around. He shouts at the dog, gets in my face and has hit his DH. He was accused of spiking a girls drink with pills (it wasn't reported and he denies this, but I don't know what to believe).

We don't know what to do anymore, DH also works away so it's just me most of the time. The friends he had from school etc have distanced themselves so it's just friends that are into drugs.

I'm at my wits’ end and so worried about him. I don't know if I actually would go through with throwing him out but I don't know what to do

It does make a difference because of how adopted children often progress through into adulthood, it’s not a ‘normal’ process or comparable to a child who hasn’t been adopted.

Its difficult to understand and on the face of it the “he’s your son regardless” is true, but there are many more layers to an adoption that it’s not as simple as “he’s your son”.

How about encouraging him to look at fun lifestyle jobs which come with accommodation?

Something like ski season / working on a cruise ship / butlins summer season / kitchen work in a restaurant somewhere cool etc?

I always think that those sorts of jobs are good for gaining independence and responsibility whilst also having a lot of fun

I'm sorry but this wouldn't be considered an adoption breakdown at 17. He could be allocated a social worker if he has a joint housing and social care assessment but he's also unlikely to be able to access much post adoption support now again given his age

@Aimen0 I’ve sent you a pm

No matter what my child done, I could never kick them out. I would imagine it’ll send him on a spiral

OP please post on the adoption board here for support and advice from experienced adopters. (I am one though not yet in the teens).

I think you’re implying that all should be ok because you adopted him as a baby and he had a normal childhood but untold harm can be done by that age. I’d get post adoption support pronto.

It’s very relevant as adopted children have trauma that needs help working through.
Has he been medically and psychologically assessed? What professional interventions has he had in the past?

@Doobedobe 'Chucking kids out is basically handing them over to the people that are influencing them.'

I think these ^ are such wise words.

When someone you love is 'all over the place', you need to be strong for them. Think of it like a ship in a storm. Your son is the storm. You are the lighthouse. He knows that you are there, he can see you now and then, just shining your light. This gives him the opportunity to eventually make his way to the light house and safety.

I've been in situations where I have had to be the 'lighthouse'. It worked. My loved one came out the other side. It's very hard but you need to be strong and stable.

Something positive will hopefully eventually inspire him to move towards a more healthy way of life.

'Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.'
― Anne Lamott

I’d try to access specialist counselling for him. Trauma hits people at different times. Now is the time to lean in not kick him out. Sending strength for this hard stuff. It’s not you or him. He isn’t bad. You can do this!

Also an adopter. My son is much younger but we have high levels of violence here, and your story isn’t at all unusual in support groups I’m in. We have good post adoption support from our local authority, but your local peer support group will almost certainly be the best place to start and have other parents living with similar to you, including those who now have to live apart from their children. I’m in a closed Facebook group for adopters experiencing child to parent violence and aggression, I can share details if you’d like to send me a message.

sending love, it’s so hard.

Do you not consider him like a biological son? The post is very centred on the fact he's adopted. Do you feel detached from him?

Yes, this. The adoption board has a core of incredibly wise, experienced adopters, some of whom have older adopted children, so are well aware of the difficulties some children can hit in their teens. They will be able to signpost to resources, and suggest ideas, while also being on the ball about protecting yourself and other family members. Best wishes to you both. @Aimen0. It's very tough.

This is a deeply unfair post. The OP's son's adoption will almost certainly be profoundly relevant to his current behaviour, so she was arguably including it for necessary context rather than suggesting she doesn't see him as 'really' her child. But equally real is that his in utero experience and first months of life may have involved loss, trauma or addiction.

My American exwas adopted from a third world country. He was a grade A narcissist who emotionally mistreated me for years and then abandoned me for a blonde 21 year old who he's now married to. He was similarly abusive towards his parents as a teenager although now seems to have turned over a new leaf and is a born again Christian thanks to his new wife.

He told me about how he was sent for therapy as a teen and enjoyed manipulating and playing psychological games with the therapist, showing he was "smarter than her" .

He is very successful however and has always stayed on the straight and narrow.

He came from a very good home, parents very wealthy, private school from age 3. He was very spoiled.

He seems to be doing very well now mainly because of his new wife (who was the only one of many women who was young and attractive enough to get him to actually value her. Shes a psychologist funnily enough) but he's left a trail of misery and destruction in his wake.

I sometimes think it's something they have to grow out of. My ex's parents adored him and he never ever got called out on his behaviour. He did exactly what he wanted.

i still feel sad and bitter thinking about him and the hurt he caused to people around him. Which he never had to answer for. Some people truly do live life on easy mode.

So genetics play no part in personality? I thought experts were in agreement that a predisposition to addiction can be hereditary?

I think the people saying 'why have you mentioned he's adopted' are being extremely unfair.
. First of all it's a fact
. Second it may well have bearing on his behaviour
. Third without knowing this people can't recommend adoption specific support
. Fourth if it had come out in a later post people would accuse the OP of drip feeding

I am not sure, but thought UK law was parents legally responsible until 18? If he leaves now, he needs to get help with emergency housing.

OP, am sorry this is happening. Happened to my brother years ago, didn't hold down a job, didn't go to sixth form, or any further education and instead got into drugs. Later on, pretty hard drugs. The lies he told, my goodness, the theft from the home too, he took anything he could sell. Mum and dad tried helping, they tried threatening, they lined up jobs for him, took him every day to the job, only to find out he took drugs in the workplace and was fired. One job he simply didn't go into the building, instead waving mum off and hung around town for the day. He'd then stay in bed until early afternoon, refusing to get up as he had been out taking drugs until the early morning. The final straw was when he thumped mum in the face, dad drove back from work and he was thrown out.

I would suggest trying anything to help him that you can think of, drug centres, counsellor, asking police to see if will have a word, encouragement to get him to see this isn't the way to live, finding something that may make him tick. But I totally understand that when all things tried, it feels like nothing left other than to send them on their way. Seen it happen and you have my utmost sympathies. Drugs are the pits.

One thing though, apart from one attempt to reunite parents with my brother, which failed, they never had a relationship with him again.

Not really, nobody would say “should I throw out my birth child”. Nature v nurture still widely debated. Behaviour of this kind can be controlled.

My children are adopted (as babies / toddlers). There have been issues that maybe some people wouldn't put up with but I'd never resort to throwing them out unless things became extremely untenable - it doesn't sound like you have reached this point to me (I do know of adopted families who have had to have their chikd placed elsewhere). How could being rejected like that solve anything, especially for a child with developmental trauma? I'd be a hundred times more worried if I wasn't there to see what was happening and offer support. His behaviour is telling you how he feels, he needs understanding at the very least.

I got into a bit of a battle with one of mine around the same age and they became very negative towards me. When I realised I needed to listen more and judge less, things gradually improved and a few years on we have a great relationship. We luckily managed to keep them in college, though they were pretty anti the whole thing, but have since used their qualification to gain employment and are now working full time across two jobs.

He may have rejected college for now, but that's not the end of the world. Try to find something positive he can do, however small. And if you can get post adoption support that might help - but although mine agreed to an assessment, they refused the offer of support in the end. (But now have adult counselling support).

Do you have any contact with other adopters with teens? There are several Facebook groups, for example. They would give you good advice.

Sorry, but what difference does him being adopted make!

He's your child isn't it.

Fucking hell.

My DB was adopted and spent his teenage years being very angry and ungrateful towards my parents (who adopted me too).

He was not in a good place after he came out in his early teens, and i think he very much felt a great deal of anger towards my parents and his birth mum. He also used drugs.

I'm so sorry you are going through this too, OP. I think it could be a good idea to explore his feelings around his adoption maybe, or at least have a frank conversation about the root cause of his feelings. I dont know what else to advise but you have my sympathy. My parents went through hell and it's so hard 😭

This post really shows how little many people understand about trauma, attachment and adoption

I wouldn’t throw my son out, no. I’d be seeking external support because I wouldn’t have a clue what to do in your situation, but chaotic angry teenagers need a calm, safe and stable haven. His brain hasn’t finished developing. He won’t reach maturity in terms of decision-making until he’s 25-ish, and that’s without anything he experienced while he was in the care of his birth parents giving him extra stuff to process.

You have my sympathy because he sounds deeply unpleasant to be around, but - I say this with love - you can’t just stop parenting him because it’s hard. He needs you now more than he ever has. He’s spiralling off course and needs his parents to anchor him. My son is 17 and he is needy now as he was at 3. Different needs, different relationship, different dynamic - but he still needs his mum. So does your son.

OP you haven’t mentioned a single thing you’ve done so far to help your child with this.