To throw adopted DS out?

[Aimen0]

DS was officially adopted when he was 1, he always knew he was adopted but he had a good childhood and he was happy. His behaviour wasn't always perfect (he got detentions in school etc) but no child is perfect all the time!

He's now 17, 18 in march and he's barely home, very into drugs and when he is home he's unpleasant to be around. He shouts at the dog, gets in my face and has hit his DH. He was accused of spiking a girls drink with pills (it wasn't reported and he denies this, but I don't know what to believe).

We don't know what to do anymore, DH also works away so it's just me most of the time. The friends he had from school etc have distanced themselves so it's just friends that are into drugs.

I'm at my wits’ end and so worried about him. I don't know if I actually would go through with throwing him out but I don't know what to do

Hes your son OP and the adoption should be irrelevant by now, but perhaps you regret it now because he is in a bad way and making your life terribly stressful. There will be helplines and support groups for the parents of addicts who might have good advice.

Threads like this really irritate me with the notion that adoption is irrelevant by now from those who have little to no understanding of what the impact CAN be of simply being adopted.
for every story of how it is fine is a child who feels abandoned and attachment issues and they don’t belong.

it is an incredibly underfunded area for support and does tend to work on the notion that it will be fine and of course it isn’t for quite a few and the specialised support just isn’t there

No the adoption is very relevant because her son needs some very specialised support from post adoption services.

Not sure why people think being adopted is not relevant. Adopted children often have trauma and attachment disorders which significantly increase the chances of behavioural issues and addiction in the teen years - its very common unfortunately. And if the OP had missed this information out, people would have been asking about possible trauma etc

This is so true and our experience.

We adopted a 3 year old "with no issues". No issues? Ha bloody ha!

Either he just about held it together at nursery/school and then had massive meltdowns on the way home or the second we got through the door. Or he was fine at home and caused havoc at school.

Anxiety, low self esteem, not unstanding social cues, unable to make or keep peer relationships. It was a complete smorgasbord of emotional turmoil.

We asked for additional adoption support a number of times, but in the end we decided to pay for private support and he had counselling sessions at regular intervals from around 7 to about 18. It cost us an arm and a leg. I am glad we did, and he still talks about her. It gave him an outlet to say stuff he didn't feel he could say to us. We knew specific times of the year would trigger emotional fallout, so I was able to pre-book a series of sessions beforehand, and start them before he needed them.

When I approached SS again when he was about 14, as he was becoming difficult and I knew there was weed and other drugs involved, they were worse than useless.

Basically I feel that the state offloaded a child with obvious issues (obvious to them at the time but denied) on to us, and by doing that saved themselves 15 years of Foster Care costs and other costs as he would probably have got more support being in foster care.

I love him very much and I am glad he came into our lives, I couldn't imagine parenting any other child, but bloody hell, it's been tough at times.

Edited to say I also thought he was neuro divergent, but that was denied at school. Everything was hung on the hook of "attachment issues". At 20 he was finally diagnosed with autism and also put on the waiting list for and ADHD assessment - that was three years ago, still waiting

So on the one hand, school used attachment issues as a means of evading ASD or ADHD support, but at the same time SS were saying he didn't qualify for adoption support. We felt like we were between a rock and a hard place a lot of the time.

Can you ask for help from social services, youth services? Could he go into supported living under a S20?

Id throw him out. Adopted or not.

Sorry my comment was in regard to all the people saying he was adopted at 1 and implying or stating that therefore there was no reason for adoption to be significant. I wasn’t commenting specifically re drug use. My earlier post said it might have been drug exposure before birth, or abuse or neglect affecting his behaviour, or it might not be, plenty of non-adopted lost young men using drugs as well. And I didn’t imply a direct link between parental or maternal drug use and drug use in adopted children, I don’t know the research in that field ie whether or not there might be a genetic element to propensity for addiction and/or whether foetal exposure might be associated with greater likelihood of later drug use. But all the behaviour might be linked to difficulties with emotional regulation associated with children whose neurological development was damaged early on.
I’m just trying to say that just because he can’t remember what happened to him (and something likely did for him to have been adopted in this era) doesn’t mean there weren’t any effects. I mean, few kids have been adopted this century in this country without there having been some adverse experiences at a key point in neurological development.

I find the number of, presumably mothers, on this thread who seem to think 'too young to remember = can't have a long term impact' quite alarming.

As an adopted person, I'm surprised and actually horrified that you felt that it necessary to mention that he was adopted. Surely if you adopted him (as a baby!) he's your son?

I'm now wondering if you've routinely made a thing of him being adopted and therefore somehow 'less of a son' ?
I'm thinking this might go some way towards explaining his current behaviour?

Absolutely, drugs can affect the foetus in utero and I am proof of that as I was born three months prematurely to a heroin addict.

My poor old brain was most likely affected neurologically by the opiates, and I'm sure it had a mild (or even moderate?) effect on my brain chemistry and neurotransmitters too. It's probably even affected the way my body metabolises certain psychotropic drugs like antipsychotics etc (hence why I am a poor metaboliser of these and the adverse effects are more severe). And probably why I have a movement disorder caused by dopamine antagonist drugs like these unfortunately 😕

I should probably do some research into this, i do find it quite fascinating.

Adoptees can be affected by many aspects of their early life experiences, in-utero and post birth: stress (eg domestic abuse), drug and alcohol abuse, poor maternal diet, early neglect, many changes of carer (maybe several foster placements and the adoptive placement itself), neurodiversity (perhaps why parents didn't cope well). These can lead to insecure attachments, poor self esteem and lack of self worth, depression, anxiety, aggression and anger etc.

Taking drugs is a way of coping with negative feelings and definitely not necessarily down to replicating what birth parents might have done - though in fact, personality traits and poor mental health might have caused similar issues for them too, leading to an inability to be a good enough parent.

When my DS was 14/15 he was taking various drugs, some were prescription drugs he was getting from college to self medicate, he was also self harming, his anxiety was through the roof, and his tics were getting very noticeable.

I requested to see his SS files again and on re-reading them I was shocked to see that his birth dad had followed practically the same route at the same age and was displaying the same signs of anxiety, tics etc. It was uncanny.

I went back to the Drs and requested that they took his anxiety seriously as I was concerned that DS was following the same route as BD, who ended up in a local mental health hospital with drug-induced psychosis. At that point DS was referred to a paediatrician and prescribed Sertraline.

The parallels between them were uncanny.

I think nature is the driving force, but nurture can influence the individual's response or willingness to follow different paths along the way.

I think he’s pushing you away on purpose to prove to himself that he’s right and no body cares. I knew kids like this growing up and was like it myself to an extent (abusive childhood).

To me it sounds like he’s screaming out for love. Could you try family counselling framing it as all needing help to get along not just it being about his behaviour?

If you do ask him to leave his life will probably follow the stereotypical care leaver path of homelessness, drugs, crime and prison/death. If he can’t manage college with your support he’s certainly not going to attend if living in a hostel.

There is a whole body of research that adoptees are an at risk group for addiction and drug use, compared to the general population.

Hi OP, sorry if we’ve broadened out the discussion a bit and that might not be helpful in your very difficult situation. As an adoptee myself I can’t help but feel for your son. I hope you’ve gone over to the adoption boards and are getting specific advice as some of the adoptive parents have suggested, all theest yi you and your son

The fact that you needed t mention he was adopted makes me think you do not see him as your 'proper' son.

Of course it is relevant. His genetics might predispose him to certain behaviour.

So many horrible comments lacking in knowledge and understanding on this post. I write in solidarity as a fellow adopter. I write in the hope of educating and informing some posters. Adoption is not a happy ever after experience for very many thousands of us. Epigenetics and genetics will out. Mentally ill and addictive birth parents seek out like-minded to procreate. I’m 20 years into the adoption ‘game’ now. My AD1(18) next month, came to me as a perfectly healthy baby. She is now blind (due to her in utero exposure to opiates), ADHD/ASD/PDA/FASD/neonatal abstinence syndrome/global developmental delay etc etc. Her birth father hanged himself in a Cat A prison and was schizophrenic while her bipolar birth mother was such a prolific criminal in her town that she was ASBO’d to another part of the country. People need to understand that the vast majority of adopted children have been exposed to the toxic trio of drugs, alcohol and domestic violence. This is often multigenerational. Adoption is no longer about shamed university students being forced to give up their babies. Adoption now is the very last resort. My AD1 is turning 18 next month and I am done and out. I have fulfilled my legal obligation. My LA has comprehensively lied to me. There is no meaningful support for adopters. My AD1 is extremely violent, aggressive and verbally abusive. She has made false allegations about me to the extent that I have been arrested, detained in a police cell for 21 hours, and interviewed under caution. I did nothing wrong. I never have. My AD1 has no attachment to me or to her adoptive sister, who is nine. She sinks so low as to steal the nine-year-old’s pocket money, in between assaulting her. Too right I am not housing her when she is 18.

Also, in case any dickhead does the usual ‘no paragraphs, not reading’ shit, my fingers could not stop typing. I just wanted to show solidarity for the OP and to point out an alternative perspective.

Do you think so, someone adopted at one year old? Do they offer such a long term service?
But I replied in that way to the OP because I can't see how the fact that he's adopted would be a relevant to chucking him out, although it could be a reason he has addiction problems.

Adopted children today have been exposed to drugs, alcohol, domestic violence, chaotic and dysfunctional family settings both in utero and in their early years. Why would you think that adoption is a magic wand that erases these adverse childhood experiences, not to mention the extremely high heritability factors of significant mental health disorders and neurodivergences of their birth parents. Children are only removed in the most extreme of circumstances nowadays. Adopted children are the most vulnerable of society’s children as they have been legally severed from their families of origin. Can you imagine nurturing your own child in your womb for nine months and then having to give them up. And then having society think it will be all be okay because another kind-hearted family would take them in? Think on!

I'm so sorry to hear of how hard it has been for you as an adoptive parent.😞 My late DB treated our parents awfully, and was still being rude to my mum on his deathbed.😢💔

I agree about the exposure to opiates in utero causing things like ADHD/mental health problems and anxiety etc. I'm certain it probably affected me.

And yes, both my biological parents were addicts. You're right, there too.

I've always had low self esteem too, and I think being adopted certainly has been something to do with it.

Yes, the child have will broken attatchment when removed from Mum and again when removed from foster carers. This causes life long trauma.

Most counsellors are unabled to work with adopted people, even if the adoption was 50 years ago.