To throw adopted DS out?

[Aimen0]

DS was officially adopted when he was 1, he always knew he was adopted but he had a good childhood and he was happy. His behaviour wasn't always perfect (he got detentions in school etc) but no child is perfect all the time!

He's now 17, 18 in march and he's barely home, very into drugs and when he is home he's unpleasant to be around. He shouts at the dog, gets in my face and has hit his DH. He was accused of spiking a girls drink with pills (it wasn't reported and he denies this, but I don't know what to believe).

We don't know what to do anymore, DH also works away so it's just me most of the time. The friends he had from school etc have distanced themselves so it's just friends that are into drugs.

I'm at my wits’ end and so worried about him. I don't know if I actually would go through with throwing him out but I don't know what to do

It actually does make a difference, I am sure. As someone who's adopted, please don't think it's all relatively normal to just have simple feelings about it. It's very complicated and I don't even understand my own feelings at times.

He is probably processing his trauma. And being adopted can be a trauma. It is certainly a big deal and something adoptees have to get their head around in their teenage years and early adulthood, even if they had a lovely childhood with wonderful parents.
Throwing him out is the easy option. But you can do better than that - he needs you now more than ever. Change location and get him away from the people he is involved with if you can. And get him a job or something to focus on.
He could do with therapy and support.

Great reply 👍

This ^

His adoption is likely to be very relevant here & some pp are being ignorant & unfair. It’s not unusual for adopted children/young people to go through what you’re describing. I’ve seen it a lot.

There may be unresolved trauma around loss, abandonment, identity etc. I’d do what you can to access therapeutic support for him. I really hope you can all get through this.

It sounds like your son is going through a really tricky time and needs support, not throwing out. Would therapy be an option for him? He may feel more comfortable talking to a stranger than his parents. Hi is undoubtedly making some really bad decisions but it sounds like a cry for help. Does he have a social worker?

This. My parents never EVER referred to me as their “adopted daughter”.

If he was 1 when you adopted him, then he may well have suffered severe developmental issues in early childhood. Babies need the right kind of contact with a carer (ideally the parent), or they develop attachment disorder. Their brains often don't 'wire up' correclty, leading to often severe MH issues.

I speak from expereince, having a very troubled granddaughter in my family who was removed from her birth mother at a year old after severe neglect. Adopted children often suffer with MH problems because the mechanisms of attachment are not still well-understood. Your DS is doing more or less exaclty what my DGD did.

Support is scandalously lacking. At his age, he may well reject counselling or therapy, but good therapy can help. Throwing him out isn't the answer. What happened to him in early childhood is not his fault. It isn't yours either, though it sounds as though you were not properly informed about the issues involved in taking this damaged child on. With my DGD, who is now 21, it was all in the small print in the sheaves of adoption papers, but nothing was highlighted.

My nephew and his wife adopted seven years ago, and they were a lot more clued up about what to expect and how to try and work around the damage. Their DG seems to be doing well, so far. Therapeutic parenting is the system recommended to them. This may be too late for your DS, but try and get help from the experts.

This is very tough. I have a lot of sympathy. My DGD ran away at 16, first to an abusinve man, then to her birth family. She has done the whole drugs, sex, drink thing. A lot of the time she lived away from home by her own choice which gave us a break.

We maintained contact, made sure she knew we were there for her and we loved her. She is stabilising a bit now, and things are improving, but the damage is for life. She will always make unwise, impulsive choices, will probably always be prone to sabotage her own life when it is getting better - the damage done in those crucual twelve months can't easily be repaired, especially if you weren't given the advice, help and support you needed when your DS was a baby.

Don't throw him out. Get advice, make a fuss if it isn't offered quickly, make sure he knows you love him, keep the communication channels open.

Well. all the posters criticising the OP are also offering 0 advice or support - soooooo helpful.
It’s so easy of course,I’m sure they all know exactly what to do

As an adoptive mum to two children I adopted when they were 10 months I have to say the absolute worse thing you can do to an adopted child is throw them out as it confirms all of their suspicions that they are not good enough.

There have been times when I have wanted to remove myself completely from my adopted DD during her most difficult times. Had my children been bio children I would have genuinely left the house and checked into a hotel for a break from them but as my husband pointed out at the time this was not an option with an adopted child. I had to stay strong. I got therapy to help me managed my own MH during this time and it really helped.

My very close friend adopted a baby at the same time as me and between 16 - 18 stage went through the same as your son. He eventually got therapy and once 18 was able to access medication for his depression and anxiety. Something which had been impossible to access before due to to the woeful provision of MH support to children. He is now doing well and is back on track.

My DD also got psychiatric help and medication and things settled down.

Please post on the adoption page for support and if you can try to set up some post adoption support ( although that is as difficult to get now as MH support of my recent experience is anything to go by!)

The most important consideration is safety. Is he safe in your home and are the rest of the family safe around him.

I wish you all the best - it's very hard.

I find it concerning that you refer to him as your 'adopted' son. Obviously, his behaviour is not acceptable, but if you wouldn't throw out a son you had given birth to, then you shouldn't throw him out either. I also wonder if he has picked up the idea that he is on sufferance, and is acting out because of that.

the facr hes adopted has naff all to do with this. shame on you,

Kick him out to do what? Be homeless? I get that he is really difficult and not pleasant to be with but it seems very extreme to make your own child homeless.

As an adopted person myself, I find it really upsetting to be distinguished from my non-adopted siblings by my adoption. Either you wanted your DS as your own son or you didn't.

There is so much research now on how deeply traumatising adoption is for adopted people. I accept that it is better than ending up in the care system, but it is still very damaging for so many adoptees, particularly nowadays when you will probably have had a hideously traumatic existence prior to adoption.

@Aimen0 is there anyway you can get some family counselling with your son and try to take all the heat out of the discussions with an independent moderator and try and see if you can find a way forwards, so that he ends up as a self-sufficient and self-supporting adult and in the meantime doesn't take the piss while he is still living at home.

What beautiful and appropriate words. I totally agree. I was not adopted but was thrown out at 16. Thankfully I was street smart and managed to forge a decent life for myself. But it could have gone the other way very easily. My Mum washed her hands of me, and while we are now back in contact, the hurt of her washing her hands of me still stings an awful lot. Keep your boy close OP, ride out the storm. He needs you and it sounds like he is acting out. I’m not for a second dismissing the pain and anguish that I’m sure this is causing your entire family but please stick with him. At 17, his brain isn’t yet fully developed. He needs a guide; that’s what I needed, not to be shut out and alone. Apologies if this sounds like an attack on you - it’s really not 🌺

I'm reminded of the Wes Anderson film 'The Royal Tenenbaums' when Royal introduces his daughter as 'and this is my adopted daughter Margot Tenenbaum'. It's just bizarre.

Being adopted is highly relevant as others have pointed out.

This young man is physically abusive however and cannot stay in the home without comprising everyone's safety. OP can be there for him without putting herself in danger. He does need to leave.

Please don't attack OP or others for using the term "my adopted son/daughter)

It is important to differentiate when asking for advice as adopted children need different support. I never use the term at home or when taking about my DC in real life but absolutely do when asking for help on here.

He was adopted when he was one

But hopefully they were aware of the emotional needs of an adopted child? I don't refer to my children as my 'adopted' children but I sometimes tell people they are, either to explain my story or theirs. None of us - parents or children - see adoption as shameful or lesser, but it does result from early traumatic experiences for the child.

If he is a danger to the OP, then him being adopted is irrelevant. Either he is a danger or he is not. Why would him being born to her make him less dangerous?

Its highly relevant as to the cause of his behaviour, yes.

The behaviour still makes him a danger.

Both things can be true.

What drugs is he using. this is a good source of information and support www.release.org.uk They have a helpline too

This thread has been an eye opener on how traumatic adoption can be even for very young children. I confess, I had no idea. OP, I feel for you all but you cannot throw him out, I think it would cause irreversible damage to your relationship with your son. I would follow the advice given by more experienced posters on here and be the lighthouse they recommend. If you throw him out, he has very little chance of coming out on the other side of this and your family as you know it will not survive. It's so hard, we have been there ourselves with a biological child and the pain is overwhelming. Our family didn't make it and that pain is so much worse than what has gone before.

Why are you so sure it is the cause of his behaviour? He was adopted at age one. And it is perfectly possible for a natal child to be dangerous and using drugs, even if for different reasons than you suppose an adopted child would be. I agree that if the adoption is the cause of the behaviour, then that should be addressed in therapy, but not that this boy being adopted makes him any less her son. If she has given him that impression growing up, then no wonder he is acting up! She is the only mother he has ever known, one is very young.

@AngelsWithSilverWings there is a difference between being described as someone's child who was adopted and being described as an adopted child!!!!! I am my parent's child and they adopted me but I am their child in the same way that their other non-adopted children are.

As I said up above, it is really hurtful to have my adopted status declared when defining me as their child. If there are issues around my behaviour or relationship with my parents where the adoption is relevant, then it is perfectly fine to say that.

If the OP had said she was thinking about kicking our her DS and then went on to say that his problems may be connected to his adoption, that would be fine, but to headline his relationship to her as being adopted is different.

I hope that distinction makes sense. It really matters.