To throw adopted DS out?

[Aimen0]

DS was officially adopted when he was 1, he always knew he was adopted but he had a good childhood and he was happy. His behaviour wasn't always perfect (he got detentions in school etc) but no child is perfect all the time!

He's now 17, 18 in march and he's barely home, very into drugs and when he is home he's unpleasant to be around. He shouts at the dog, gets in my face and has hit his DH. He was accused of spiking a girls drink with pills (it wasn't reported and he denies this, but I don't know what to believe).

We don't know what to do anymore, DH also works away so it's just me most of the time. The friends he had from school etc have distanced themselves so it's just friends that are into drugs.

I'm at my wits’ end and so worried about him. I don't know if I actually would go through with throwing him out but I don't know what to do

The regulation that registered therapists had to be specially trained to work with adoptees was removed fairly recently. This was I think because it backfired and meant that adoptees couldn’t access therapy because the few specialists had such long waiting lists. I think now therapists just have a professional obligation to work within their capabilities, as with other issues.

The broken attachment would apply to all children not raised by birth families, although how much people are affected varies a lot. More recent adoptees in the uk (ie not those of us from the 1950s to the 1970) almost always have a lot more to deal with than that, ie the abuse, drug exposure before birth etc that are the reasons for the adoption . Sadly, too often, no amount of love can fix the unseen damage.

Ah that is good for therapy. As the Op’s son adoption went through before he was 1 I did wonder if he was removed at birth so less likely to be added family trauma. But we know there are concerns for children surrogacy and the broken attatchment there.

The law change is only for adult adoptees; it still stands that counsellors/therapists working with adopted children have to be registered with Ofsted. My LA outsources its youth mental wellbeing services to a local charity - which has a brilliant reputation - but the organisation is not Ofsted registered so my ADs are not able to access any support

I do think it's odd that you've brought up that he's your "adopted DS" rather than just your DS. Would you feel differently if he was biologically yours? Yanbu to throw him out as his behaviour is intolerable but it would be unreasonable if you wouldn't if he was a biological son rather than adopted.

I think possibly adding 'adopted' makes it seem as if OP sees him as somehow 'lesser'. Let's face it, society does too. Children in schools use the word as a term of abuse (you must have been adopted/ your mum probably wishes you'd been adopted). People can pity adoptees - and clearly it's not a good thing to have been adopted, though it's usually the best choice for the child given their circumstances.

However, as an adoptive parent myself, I don't think OP necessarily meant that her son was 'less' hers than a birth son. If I use that term to talk about my children, it's as an explanation of WHY there might be more issues, not a reflection of my view of them. I love them dearly and they are definitely part of my family.

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” I don't think OP necessarily meant that her son was 'less' hers than a birth son. If I use that term to talk about my children, it's as an explanation of WHY there might be more issues, not a reflection of my view of them. I love them dearly and they are definitely part of my family.“
That was my take on it, too.

Eh?? You are putting words into my mouth. I never said or thought anything of the sort.

And mine.