To not pay stepchild’s private school fees. part 2

[CloverRiver]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5439568-to-not-pay-stepchilds-private-school-fees?page=1

previous thread

I feel for you, OP, I really do. And my advice is to not give in to PP's request (or is it now demands?) because it essentially puts a non-relative above your own children, and you.

In blended families, it's really shit for the side who has to subsidize the much lower earner because it means the children of the higher earner are forced to give up what's rightfully theirs. If you were a billionaire, OP, I would feel differently, but the amount of money you are concerned about tells me you are not. You have no reason to feel bad about this. This unfortunate situation is your DP's responsibility. You are not married, and I would caution to not get married.

You haven't shared DP's background, whether he could have been a higher earner, if he has parents or other relatives who should be stepping up to help his DS. DP should look to those things, like getting a second job, to fund his child's needs.

Also, you and he should have a face-to-face sitdown w/ school and explain clearly that you are not married and you don't want any financial responsibility for the child.

One more thing to add...when my DD's tuition was raised at her university, and she only got half the scholarship funds, DD, DH and I worked extra jobs in the evening and weekends that year to pay for it. But DD is our child. DD didn't go ask her DP or his parents to fund her, despite loving them.

This is on your DP...where there's a will . . .

Not sure if you've covered this @CloverRiver .

If the mother had the money to cover the fees, how is it that she doesn't have the money to pay child support?

Exactly.

What if the child's father were living with a mate from work. Would that man's income be counted toward the father's ability to pay? How absurd. so why should the unrelated OP's? Because she is romantically or sexually involved with him? What has that to do with anything?

If the father can muster £1200 a month, put the child in state school and use those funds to provide supplemental support, tutoring, activities, whatever. Replicate the best aspects of the private school as best as possible, while letting the state school continue his education in fundamentals like math and reading.

And the father can put in more time with the child, too, reinforcing and supporting whatever seems to work best. It doesn't sound as though the boy is profoundly neurodiverse. Some extras might bridge the gap without completely disrupting his home and putting his father in penury. Let alone tapping the OP's earnings.

I’ve no idea how she paid, but given her behaviour, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s some sort of scam going on. She’s now allegedly only on benefits and therefore she doesn’t have to pay any monies to my DP.

Exactly! And why was the mother’s husband, who she was actually legally married to, not taken into account previously if this is how they carry out assessment for the bursary? Surely the mother’s husband’s salary should have been taken into account, if they’re now insisting on assessing an unmarried cohabitant’s salary? It’s like they’re just making up rules as they go along. Complete codswallop.

Well,the mother's husband's salary should STILL be taken into account. Why should he be relieved of responsibility just because she can't pay, if the OP is expected to make up her boyfriend's shortfall?

The stepfather is married to the mother so why isn't his income considered "part of the household pot" ??

That’s an excellent point actually. If my income as an unrelated partner is included, why not his??

100%… the whole thing is bonkers. Can you request a face to face meeting with the school to lay all of these issues out?

I’d also be asking them to point out in the terms and conditions of the bursary, where exactly their demands in your situation are stated? Failing everything, I’d be telling them you have no other choice but to break up, your BF to move out with his son and cause him more disruption, for the sake of his education.

Because. There. Were. Two. Named. Adults.

They. Need. Two. Adults.

It's not really on for you to speculate how mother paid her share. You say she was abusive but for all we actually know, your boyfriend was whispering in his sons ear about her and she's thought, fuck it, you want to go down the route of parental alienation, off you fuck. Play silly games, win silly prizes.

Maybe, maybe not. But it's not on to speculate about her any more than you and your boyfriend would like to be speculated about.

Why can’t her husband be the second ‘parent’ and co-signatory?

That’s ridiculous. Social services and the courts don’t make no contact orders because of whispering in ears. The bar for stopping contact is incredibly high, it’s much more likely a court will order for a child to continue to see an abusive parent!

Wow shocking way to behave.

lets imagine for a second we were discussing a man who had lived with a woman who had a child from another relationship but refused to pay education costs or costs associated with the child. We would all be in uproar.

Up to you obviously how you move forward but defrauding the bursary fund (by your refusal to cover costs of the person you have chosen to have joint assets with) is morally wrong.

Why can't the stepfather be the other "named adult"? He is married to the child's mother, unlike the OP.

Why on earth would we be in an uproar about that? How bonkers.

I wouldn't consider that man in your hypothetical scenario responsible for costs associated with the child of his roommate. Not for a split second.

Just because she has invested in a house with her boyfriend/roommate doesn't mean that the OP is responsible for ameliorating his entire financial scenario. She is not defrauding the bursary fund, with which she has zero legal connection. She is not the child's parent, adoptive or otherwise.

Because your boyfriend, the child's dad, who now has primary custody, did.

And by that logic of the stepdad being the co-signer, why not you?

And yes, it is a very high bar for a no contact order.

What has your boyfriend done to resolve this situation? You've been on mumsnet all day about it, but what has he actually done?

You've had so much advice in your corner saying pay or don't pay but the school won't give a bursary, as is their right. You aren't going to a different answer.

Ss needs to move school unless your boyfriend can pay full fees because he isn't eligible for a bursary. You can froth as much as you like about it. Plenty of impacted kids would benefit from a bursary tomprivate school but that is not an option for them, and nor is it now for your ss.

Perhaps he'd like to if he had weekend contact?

sorry to nitpick but joint and several liability means you could be on the hook for £86.4k not £43.2k
never heard of a private school that renews its contract annually but maybe that’s a bursary thing.
HOWEVER there is solution to this….
disclose your income and sign the form if it means the kid can keep his bursary and stay in school.

then separately your partner indemnifies you for your liability for the fees. Also take out fee payer protection insurance. Your partner can cover the cost of the insurance.

whilst I tend to agree the school shouldn’t be able to demand your income and that you sign the contract, in practice private schools are a law unto themselves and just do what they want. Parents get on board or go to a different school.

Why not her? Because she doesn't want to be.

The school can't just look around, point out someone and say "congrats, you are the second signatory for tens of thousands of pounds of fees."

It's agreed that the school can do as it pleases regarding the awarding of funds, but they can't force unrelated parties to support children financially.

People who think the OP is "immoral" because she is safeguarding her hard-earned funds for her children and her old age, rather than for a child she did not produce, are bonkers.

The assessment company may have changed its criteria recently, or the school may have changed assessment company. It might be the case that if custody were still split, both households would be assessed now rather than both biological parents.

Your DSS is no longer in the household of his mother and her husband and that is - from the sounds of it - legally mandated. It would therefore be very strange for school to assess that household’s income rather than the household income where DSS is for 100% of the time.

I would take this to be the death knell for the relationship, because the other two options are either unacceptable (spending your own children’s inheritance on a step child); or immoral (making vulnerable child leave school). Harsh.

What are you on about? We absolutely would not in uproar. Why the hell would we? If the couple in your makey uppy scenario were not married, and the man did not have any PR, we would all be telling the woman to get a grip, that he is not the child’s father and she needs to figure out the fees for herself.

Absolutely it's up to the OP, but that doesn't mean it's irrelevant.

If someone is shacked up with Elon Musk, then it would be tight of him not to contribute, and unreasonable for the bursary to continue.

If someone earns enough that the bursary wouldn't be offered, it it wouldn't be realistic for her to contribute either, then not only wouldn't she be tight, but it would be unreasonable for her partner to even propose it.

Of course she's not obliged to pay it, but like other decisions in life, it's going to have repercussions. It's clear that she doesn't see them as a family unit, and that's fair enough, but if he does, then it's going to cause tension.

If the change in school is going to have a devastating effect on the son and a real change in his lifetime prospects, and in reality the money would make negligible difference to the OP, then that is relevant.