To not pay stepchild’s private school fees. part 2

[CloverRiver]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5439568-to-not-pay-stepchilds-private-school-fees?page=1

previous thread

Do not pay, its your partner and ex wife's responsibility not yours. The red flag for me was he was annoyed with you for not paying or subsidising. Very entitled and cheeky.

I can understand everyone’s point of view here: the school’s, your partner’s, and yours. I probably wouldn’t want to contribute either, but it’s easy for an outsider to say that. I just can’t help wondering though, if the roles were reversed, what would you do?

The actual fees and expected sum matters. I was in the camp of helping with the fees thinking the expected amount of help was under £1000 until OP mentioned that the fees are £40k+. It is a lot of money to subsidise someone’s else child, no matter what the person’s income is.
It is not all or nothing situation.

Surely you have the rest of the school year to try to sort this out, OP? I suppose a change in living circumstances could flag something up, and, yes, total household income will be taken into account along with things like property ownership, etc., but I've never heard of a school trying to make changes mid-year. And, in fact, unless they were alleging your partner had committed fraud, I would imagine they'd be breaching their own contract.

Generally speaking, private schools use outside services to assess and verify income and it's re-assessed on a yearly basis. It's an unfortunately long and admin-heavy and somewhat invasive process, so I would imagine there's been quite a lot of this happening before you were asked to sign any kind of agreement for next year?

With that in mind, I know others have made this suggestion, but surely the first course of action is for your DP to make an appointment to have a face to face with the head and the bursar? Generally in these types of circumstances schools are quite keen to make things work.

Are they better off? How do we know? Perhaps C has obligations or just wants to save a lot for old age. And does it matter if C is just a friend vs a boyfriend or girlfriend?

It seems as though these third parties (and commenters here) make a lot of assumptions about income, expenses and relationships.

OP is not in any way shape or form a parent to this student.

What difference does her relationship status or intentions make?

Because they are a couple in a household with a dependent trying to get free money out of a school for that dependent.. because the living arrangements have changed, the school now want to assess whether they actually need that financial help or not.. what is so hard to understand?

Let's put it another way...

Single mum on benefits, lets her extremely rich partner move in with her, should she still claim those benefits?

No one is entitled to free money, people are able to access it only when they need it, which is how it should be.

It's up to them whether and how they mingle their money.

It's up to the school whether to give her partner free money or not, based on whatever criteria they see fit.

If he loses the bursary and has to go to state school then so be it. Even if you were married it wouldn’t be your responsibility
to fund his education.

I feel as though if we were married it would show our commitment to each other as a couple and as a ‘unit’ in the very least. So although I still wouldn’t have PR for his child, I feel the school would be more justified in making demands on household income, half of which is mine.

OP you are in a loose loose situation here - you are going to have to accept which loss is least worse.

Forget the contractual commitment re:school fees - red herring (you could just do a standing order to your DP of the £ needed and he pays the school without you having anything to do with it)

As multiple posters have said - the school can set whatever criteria for a bursery they want. If your DSS is no longer is eligible for it due to changed circumstances- then that is how it is (unfortunately)

So either you pay towards the school fees and he gets to stay or you don’t and he has to a) leave the school or b) your DH has to find the money elsewhere.

But the are NOT a couple in the sense of being co-parents. OP's income and how she spends it is not relevant because neither the boyfriend/roommate or his child are HER dependents.

If I rent a flat with someone who has a child, does that make me responsible for the financial support of the child? Of course not. Whether or not I am sleeping with that person is irrelevant.

Single mum on benefits moving in with millionaire... I thought we were against women becoming dependent on men for survival? If she is not a legal unit with him, why should his income affect hers? If he hasn't proactively joined with her as a legal unit (aka married or registered partnership) his income is none of anyone else's business.

Well, if he really needs this provision then he needs an EHCP, and he should throw himself into this process. I’m very surprised that this was not considered at Court, however?

The bursary situation is completely normal - what is unusual is the fact that neither partners of the parents were considered in the first place. Regardless, I’d be signing nothing. If DP is cross, he needs to channel that into his EHCPA request.

But they are not making demands on your household income. They are making a not unreasonable request to re-assess a bursery based on change of circumstances.

You don’t have to share anything with them - but the bursery will be removed. Or you share and the bursery goes because unfortunately you are viewed as a “household” with more income than under the old circumstances.

Either have your DP move out with his DSS or he will have to beg the school to show some compassion for his son’s awful experience and they might be able to come to some sort of financial arrangement to soften the blow. But they are under no obligation to do so….

I think the main issue is the co-signing. It's similar to co-signing a loan with someone. The truth is, your partner can't really afford this school. By living with you he loses the bursary either way and you will be on the hook for that money, if you co-sign on top of living with him.

It's lose-lose, but unless you are a millionaire yourself and a couple of tens of thousands of pounds is chump-change to you, there is not a chance in hell I'd be co-signing anything.

People are just trying to tick the boxes that they need to. Systems aren't designed to 100% work for %100 of people, 100% of the time - they can't.

Try and come at it from an angle of helping them tick their boxes, rather that what feel fair or seems logical.

All this is, is the bursar casting around for whoever has the deepest pockets/any money so that they don't have to pay out. It's literally their job, and it's right that they do it properly and set down whatever terms they need to set to ensure their money is distributed in accordance with the terms of the endowments. They're not doing anything wrong, and neither would you be to decline to get involved. They're asking, and you're free to say yes or no.

The child has two living parents. This is nothing to do with you. Don't be fooled into anything because a third party is coming for you, or because of any emotional guilt-tripping because of the mental health of your partner's ex. You should only do this if you want to. It's a very simple, clear cut situation which feels muddied because it's a child's education you're talking about rather than a holiday to Disney. The repercussions of you not offering to pay out of your own pocket, and responsibility for the child's autism rest with his parents. Period.

I don’t think - if he is on the mortgage he would get the rent element of UC as he is a homeowner

and as his son is a teenager unless he’s gets DLA I don’t think he could get any UC as a single parent / carer

he would be expected to sell and use his share to house himself
so that would probably impact the OP and her kids even more

The school offer a discretionary bursary.

He won't get it with your income.

They want two adults named so that if one defaults they have back up. It's a private organisation so they are free to make those rules.

You and the school are both being fair.

DH needs to recognise that if SS mother was so bad, he did the right thing in getting custody. However, he cannot new send him to this school in the current circumstances.

He needs to console himself that changing school is the lesser evil.

Your fight is with DH not the school. He needs to find a guarantor if he wants his son to carry on going to that school.

The other consideration for the school is that they currently get £14,400 per year for stepson. If they remove bursary and stepson has to be removed, that becomes £0.

And it's insane that this is the second post at there are over 1000 posts on it.

DH can't afford it and you don't want to co sign so dh needs to find his own solution.

Over being on the hook for school fees and other related costs? I doubt it. OP seems to be in a much better financial position than her partner, so buying him out could be an option open to her.

Sure that might be the case
I was just pointing out it won’t be that simple for him to get UC and get rent paid like the OP and others suggested

either way it’s a cost to the OP that she wasn’t expecting and it’s not really her problem - except now it is

His son would still be his sole responsibility. You would be no more obliged to share that upon marriage than you are to share it now.

YANBU, anyway.

That may well be but it doesn’t change the issue which is your DP cannot afford the fees (with or without the bursery it sounds like) without you contributing.

I understand that, but the criteria is unfair. Putting the onus on her to fund an unrelated child's school fees is absurd.