To not pay stepchild’s private school fees. part 2

[CloverRiver]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5439568-to-not-pay-stepchilds-private-school-fees?page=1

previous thread

Tho if he has a spare £1200 a month to pay for 50% he must earn well and might not get that much uc

again goes on if has any money in the house you both live in if they will pay for the rent

@CloverRiver most posters are in agreement that you shouldn’t pay this money.

You appear to want to debate whether the school should/shouldn’t consider your income when deciding on DSC bursary.

It has been explained repeatedly that the school can do what they like in this respect. Your disapproval is irrelevant.

If you won’t pay then the money has to be found from alternative sources or the child leaves the school.

Whether or not the school "can" do it, which I think we all understand, this is still an interesting discussion. Why step on it?

She’s already said she’s prepared for him to move out. If they sell she’ll get her share of the money from the sale, and if she buys him out she’ll have secured a sole asset. Either way she’ll be in a better position than she would be spending money on an unrelated child’s school fees.

They’ll fill the place

If you’re arguing that, why shouldn’t all parents get a universal benefit income for their children, split in half?

The answer is because we can’t afford to!

@sandyhappypeople The OP says that her adult children are living with her so I expect she wants to help them get on the housing ladder and help them out in various ways.
Her partner is asking her to prioritize his child over her own children tbh and getting angry that she won’t.

I don't understand why your partner hasn't requested a meeting with the school to explain the following:

1. The child is now in his care (you don't have parental responsibility)
2. The mother of the child has mental health issues and cannot contribute
3. The child has had severe disruption to his life already and to remove him from his school would compound the issue
4. That this has already put strain enough on his relationship and that you his partner has refused to declare income or contribute and that he cannot guarantee the sustainability of his relationship given all the changes recently (he may view your relationship as as solid of a rock but he can't guarantee that will continue)
5. Highlight that the school are no worse off - they had budgeted for the reduced fees for the child's entire time there. They aren't in a worse position now
6. Ask them to consider the best interests of the child.

In the current climate; not necessarily.

They will.

A secondary private school that can handle a child with moderate autism will have no difficulty at all filling the place, there is an absolutely desperate shortage of suitable places for autistic children.

Can you buy your partner out of his share of the house? You are more secure in your housing/have more of an asset and he gets the cash?

Also what are your adult DC's plans? Are you saving to help them with a deposit (which could be why you dont actually have the 1.2k disposable after all?)

If the father can only afford £600 out of the £2400 which is the monthly fee then the school is simply unaffordable for him. This has nothing to do with OP and she should not feel guilted into ‘rescuing’ either the father or the child.
the issue here is neither the OP, nor the school, nor the child or his absent mother. It’s the father who wants his child to go to a school he cannot afford to pay for. He needs to convince the school to accommodate his ability or walk away from the school. Nothing to do with OP at all.

I doubt it. The school isn’t Eton and it’s not full as it is. The current Year 7 intake is virtually half of other year groups, I think the VAT has really hammered them.

I will set my stool out and then it’s down to DP and the school to make arrangements or not.

Very true!

But his only realistic option if she's not prepared to contribute is to break up with OP, move out and claim a bursary based on his sole income.

So OP needs to decide which is the least shit situation for her, paying towards his school fees or them breaking up.

The option that she wants of them staying together, but her income being disregarded in bursary calculations simply isn't going to happen, so she needs to move on from that.

So money or relationship? Which is most important to her? OP needs to decide. There's no "right" answer. It just depends on what OP values more.

Under Education Law (varies if state or indep) OP does actually count as a parent. An [education] parent not one with PR. The definition is very broad, quite frankly can probably include most of the country. It was set up that way to ensure that anyone who cared for a child eg did school pick ups, homework, provides food , cared etc could be included in conversations about the child. It can make life very interesting for a school when it comes to "step"parents and if a parent with PR has claimed the stepparent has PR. I agree with OP that she should not have to pay fees or be on a contract for a child that she has no legal responsibility for, but I am in agreement with the school on the requirements for the bursary assessment. That is a privileged situation totally driven by need.

@CloverRiver I have caught up again with your latest posts with new details, particularly your joint mortgage.

I doubt you have any chance of arguing that you are not cohabiting in light of this. Also, if his share of the equity/any rental income is or will be more than £16kish, does that not preclude him from UC. If he has to force a sale of your joint home in order to afford a new place, how does that help you? Can you afford to buy him out?

If not, another (and possibly happier all round solution) would be to loan your DP the money (with agreed interest etc) he needs for the fees, with his equity in your joint home put up as surety against default. This would protect you financially, allow you all to remain living together and for the boy to stay in his school. If DP won't agree to this, then you can validly question whether he is trying to take advantage of you and act accordingly.

Exactly.
Sorry but assessment based on household income is fair.

Actually it is even worse than that since there is a joint mortgage involved!

True, but whether they do or don't they are unlikely to making anything like a profit on a child with a 50% bursary. And one with additional needs is likely to take more resources than average, not less. OP's partner can't rely on them fighting to keep him and he won't know which way the wind blows on that unless he proactively talks to them.

I feel a bit for your partner OP. If he gets reassessed and loses the bursary because he lives with you, and you won't help out, he's a bit stuffed. It's similar to a student who is denied a full loan because their parents are over the threshold, but unable to give them the parental contribution that the government expects. It may be his responsibility but it's also not really his fault that his liability is higher than it would otherwise be because he lives with you.

However there are lots of other avenues he can and should be exploring. If he just sits back and waits for you to crack then his son will lose out. It's a shame it risks putting the relationship at risk.

They do for some things.

If they jointly own the house, her adult children will also lose their home if he forces a sale.

He’s definitely prioritizing his child over other members of the household.

I think you mean stall not stool. But setting your stool out would definitely send your DP a message that you're not happy...

(Sorry, I'm not normally a grammar pedant, but this made me laugh!)