To not pay stepchild’s private school fees. part 2

[CloverRiver]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5439568-to-not-pay-stepchilds-private-school-fees?page=1

previous thread

I don't believe the OP is obligated to or should even pay the fees at all. I think the father needs to leave, maintain his bursary and see his son to the end of secondary school.

That said - I know now that plenty of blended families are like yours, but as a stepchild and with many stepchildren around me; we operate differently to the models I see on here. That's not a hypothetical and is not representative of every step-family, but I genuinely only hear of these exacting and transactional relationships on MN.

My stepdad, for example, raised us as his children. My sister's husband had custody of his children and they raised them and hers as one family. My uncle met his wife with a son before I was born, and he has been my cousin for 40+ years. I could run this all night.
There's absolutely no hint of mine vs yours, no 50/50, 60/40 or 70/30 split either. Just one family, one pot (kinda, because the men often have no real idea of what the women even earn)...

@Dweetfidilove I take your point but many families don’t follow the one financial pot model. DH and I have been together over 20 years, share two children, and we still maintain separate finances. It’s not uncommon nowadays and it sounds as if the OP and her DP have as well. They share a joint mortgage and perhaps both contribute to an account for bills. but that might be it.

Apologies to drop in with a point that’s not really relevant to OP’s question.

But as a single person, it’s so frustrating that whole household income is considered for benefits of this sort, and yet it isn’t considered when it comes to income tax thresholds.
My sibling and her husband earn over £90k per year between them and remain in 20% tax bracket whereas I earn £57k and am in the 40% tax bracket. Saving to move house is so difficult for me when I lose 40% of any salary rises, whereas they can afford a very handsome property on their joint incomes.

Crazy (and maddening) that some things are calculated by individual income and others by household.

Debatable, even Christ Hospital is now desperate for donations, saying its endowment dwindled due to too may begging bowls out.

Exactly, and it ALWAYS disadvantages the single people.

It’s a non-debatable fact. Ffs.

Every year, our school runs a campaign for the leavers’ parents to donate to a “class of…” bursary. It’s rare that this raises enough - across 150 or so sets of parents - for even one 50% bursary for 7 years. Donation pots are stretched, so some schools may well be topping up for existing holders from annual fee surplus, such as it is.

Common jn my circles too. In fact expected. I suspect it is among the higher classes that this social norm of nurturing all children is lost.

That's to punish you for not settling down with someone.

Show your DH this post/thread later.

Same here. Campaign of harassment, I would say - emails, even in the school magazine. I am going slightly off topic, but all of that is against the background of raising the fees for full-fee paying parents (well above inflation) and not checking properly the craftiness of those applying for bursaries, who continue to go on foreign holidays, but have their begging bowl out ready every single time.

Why I am sure they have discussed it.

Okay then it won't be of any surprise.

Substantial funding does come via parents and she has every right to feel aggrieved.

If I give money to charity and it's misappropriated, what consolation is it to me that the charity misused bigger donations too? Fact or not it's just irrelevant.

Yy. The post where OP stated that this was exactly the sort of situation where the school “should be charitable” irked me - every child getting a bursary has a case for receiving charitable support, and the school has a duty to donors to reassess that case periodically. They may be getting requests from families where parents have lost their jobs or suffered bereavement in key exam years, for example.

It seems that DSS does now live in a household where the fees could be found. OP is within her rights to decline, of course, but that doesn’t make the school uncharitable.

lol why? He doesn’t expect me to parent his kids. Neither does his ex. But then he wasn’t one of those single parents looking for a replacement to stand in.

Show him then. He will say lol I know.

Ha! Not assuming financial responsibility for your partner’s/husband’s children as a character flaw. That’s one way to spin it I suppose.

I’m sure it is common in many MN circles. As I said, i’ve found this to be far more widespread online than I have in my real life personal and professional experience where OP’s dynamic is the norm. Estate planning reflects this, where the default is that each parent in a blended family will bequeath their assets to their own biological children (or grandchildren. It’s become increasingly common for grandparents to skip a generation partly for this reason).

The childs father should be doing everything HE can to get the money, sell his car, get a better or second job, everything HE can.

Much easier for him to nag and sulk because the OP won't be a total mug and cough up.

OP let him sell you his half of the house for cash, and pay you rent going forward if he is so keen.

Blended families often keep finances mostly separate.

My friend has two older step children who were privately educated by her husband and his ex.
They are in their 40's and received a modest inheritance from her side of the family.
She shared their living costs with her husband when they lived at home as teenagers.

My friend had a daughter with her husband who is now 25 and she has recently come into a substantial inheritance from my friends later father. Her daughter was not privately educated as they simply couldn't afford it with university for the older two etc.

They were all very surprised by the amount her daughter inherited, and that my friend had asked her father privately to skip her and give it directly to her daughter, who will now buy a lovely home for cash.

Her husband is very upset at her "trickery" to avoid his children getting a share.
She has put him very straight that her father owed his older children nothing.

He wouldn't let it go, got quite nasty about it so she packed a bag and has gone to stay with her widowed cousin, and told him she wants a divorce.
He is 70 and haquickly y backtracked but after a couple of weeks away from him and his controlling ways she has said no.

He is no doubt missing her cooking and being looked after well as he is 10 years older than her.
She is loving being away from him and has said she really is done and this row about the inheritance is a blessing.
She likes her step child but does not feel they are due any inheritance from her or her family.
They have inheritance from their parents and that is enough.
Her priority is her child.
I think that is perfectly reasonable.

What happened in the end @CloverRiver

Yes, do update us OP

UPDATE:

School upheld the bursary and did not assess me once DP explained the circumstances. He is going to continue covering the school fees with no expectation from me.

Well done, great update OP.

Great news, thank you OP!

Great update!