Pregnant and now I'm back in the fold

[MrsBingoLittle]

Me and my parents always had a close relationship. When I moved out we'd speak four or five times a week on the phone. Me and my ex would go round regularly for family meals and we had lovely Christmas's of 15 or 20 people. Big celebrations and really joyful.

A few years ago me and my ex split up, and this coincided with the birth of my parents first and only grandchild. I have to say I was bitterly lonely at the time, but my parents no longer had the time for phone calls, everytime I would ring they were helping out with baby.

I guess it was unfortunate timing, I needed support and my brother needed support and my brothers needs was more fun.

For context my parents probably are with my brothers family 3 or 4 full days a week.

Over time I rebuilt my life and am happy and settled. I dont speak to my parents as much as I once did, and miss that, and said that too my mum a few months ago, hoping to articulate that I missed the closeness of our relationship -but was told that grandchild is out number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much. Fine, but I dont think it needed to be said outloud.

Anyway I am early days pregnant, thrilled. But now I am getting daily phonecalls from my parents, texts on the family WhatsApp group which had been quiet for months, invites to family trips to the fun farm (whereas before if I'd asked about it I would have been. Dismissed as it not being my kind of thing). All sorts.

Whist I am delighted to be thought of again and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, it feels like my value to the family is in providing a cousin and a grandchild. And I am feeling quite suspect of the complete change in behaviour.

I also don't like that I was told they don't have the time for me, but now all of a sudden the time is there, so they just didn't want to speak to me rather than couldn't

It doesnt feel supportive or kind, just excited about a new baby.

I can't work out my feelings on this, I'm just so confused. Should I feel grateful to be back in, or and I justified in being annoyed?

I can't process my family reaction on top of everything else.

re ' Although if I was being charitable I could say mum phones me when she thinks of me, and now I'm pregnant she's thinking about me a lot.'
I think this is probably very accurate. I dont think your mum has acted out of malice - just out of selfishness / thoughtlessness. Parents are not perfect and are products of their own upbringing. I think you now have the opportunity to define things on your terms. You now have the capacity and power to hurt them back - as they now want and need your involvement in your life because you are carrying their grandchild. You could do to them what they have done to you. But would you want to do that? - that could edge you towards becoming like your parents and perpetuate the hurt. I would be cautious, but take a rational approach. Allow contact on your terms, but enjoy that the winds have changed.
We cannot help who our parents are but they do not define us. Once your baby arrives you will no doubt try and do a lot better for them than your parents did for you. I personally thought having a child would help me understand my own parents behaviour but it did the opposite - I understood less - I would never behave in that way towards my own child. Over time through being a parent myself I came to understand how flawed and limited my parents were - but also the good things they did (they are now passed). You may go through the same. Over time you will become a better parent than they were and will appreciate both the good and the limitations of their parenting. They may offer lots of practical support which im sure you will be grateful for once little one arrives and you have no sleep and are exhausted all the time. But now is your time to go through a process of realising who they are via the parenting experience. None of this is something I would recommend raising with your parents - as they are probably not self-aware enough to realise what you are talking about or truely understand the implications. But just know it and navigate their input on your terms.

It might be that they see having a child as a situation where their child needs their time and support and other life events aren't as big of a deal.
I had my child a long time after my sister had her three. I didn't get invited to children events before as, quite rightly, I had no interest in them. Once I became a mother, the dynamic changed, as we were all on the same page, focusing on the next generation. I never saw it as being accepted back into the fold. I saw it as everyone had been in different phases of life and now we were all in the same type of complementary phase; my parents being grandparents and my sister and I being parents.

I agree with almost everyone else. Now you've had your eyes opened a little bit, I think you should just see how things go and be wary. Have you discussed this with your brother, btw? Might be interesting to get his perspective

Don’t worry OP, there’s always one… You can almost feel the rush of air as the point goes flying over their heads!

I think that's bound to be hurtful, OP. I hope things work out for the best, but in your position I'd have felt as you do. YANBU.

I'm a new grandparent.
I absolutely love the time I get to spend with my grandson, he's absolutely my fave person on the planet.,
I work full time, help out whenever I can and instigate sleepovers. His mum and dad know they can lean on me if they need to.
However, never during that time do I ignore my other "child"
The old adage "if they wanted to, they would" springs to mind.
It's up to you how you move forward, personally I'd make it clear how you felt and what support you'd have liked.
But doting grandparents will be a godsend, if they treat your child in the same way as the 1st one xx

She has been so hurtful to you, has she ever said sorry for saying she had no time for you, even when you were so lonely? I would be maintaining some distance as I wouldn't trust her not to hurt me again. You'll be quite vulnerable as a new mum, the last thing you want is someone who really doesn't seem to care about you getting involved.

I’m getting to grandparent age. I can tell you that however delighted I might be by the prospect or actual arrival of grandchildren, my first priority would be the wellbeing of my own child. Even if it was my DIL giving birth as (I hope) a decent human being and a feminist, my first concern would be for DIL’s welfare as a fellow woman and not an incubator!!

This!!
if my parents bailed on me during my toughest saddest times when I needed support I wouldn’t be sharing my best happy times with them!
To say to you their grandchild is their number 1 so they don’t have the time for you is utterly disgraceful!
I would probably have cut ties or gone very low contact at that point!
why couldn’t you have gone along to things before with your brothers child? Do you get invited to see your brothers child ever? Birthdays? Christmas?
what is your relationship with your inlaws like?

Hi op congratulations! your mum was really insensitive just dropping you like a hot potato when you needed her the most. I would just accept the calls but don’t make yourself available every day. She admitted you were no longer her priority and it’s sounds like she said you didn’t matter to her which is bloody disgusting tbh. You choose when you answer and what you tell them. You can still be in control.

I would feel resentful too. I think I'd tell them you find the new found contact overwhelming. How hurtful the low contact was over the years and how you know if you weren't pregnant they wouldn't be interested. You'd rather go back to the level of contact before pregnancy.

Tell them you'll be "focusing on your number one priority and the light of your life, and you won't have time to see them as much".

Seriously, I would reduce contact. What if your child grows attached to them and they do the same thing to your child?

I've never been invited to a birthday party, and Christmas one year, but the first Christmas I was left by myself as they wanted both grandparents to have baby's first Christmas so both sets of in laws went to my brother's.

I've just been invited to a day at the farm, which actually I would have enjoyed if I wasn't pregnant, but to be honest I now a bit wary about petting all the animals... Baby isn't here yet, so if the logic was that wasn't my kind of day because I don't have kids, then that logic still stands.

This is really sad. I cannot personally understand the logic of excluding you from a family occasion such as xmas or birthdays but clearly they have and clearly it is exclusion. Can I ask what your brothers view of excluding you from such important family occasions is? He may be able to shed a little more light on the motives. Do you think the behaviour was designed to nudge you into getting 'in the family way' for their own pleasure? EG you are not invited until you bear us grandchildren? I am now getting handmaids tail vibes.

Tell them it's not safe for you to go to the farm as you're pregnant, but if they rearrange the day out to somewhere suitable, you will come if you can.

Really feeling for you @MrsBingoLittle
My biological family only have time for me when they want something too. I went LC and NC with some many years ago. Life dips so much simpler.
Could you be clear with them that YOUR priority is your child, and by extension you as its mum. So you’re only seeking healthy reciprocal relationships, not simply providing someone with another outlet for grandparenting.

It sounds awful but in your situation I think I’d just ‘use’ them in return.

They want you around because it suits them now? Fine. Take them up on it as and when it suits you.

Such strange behaviour from your family OP and I’d find it hard to move past this.

I have adult DDs and they are both very different and at different stages of life but I wouldn’t prioritise one over the other.

I would feel exactly the same as you, OP. My late parents utterly lost the plot when my sis had their grandchildren. I never really wanted children, and after their grandchildren came along, I was treated like an annoyance. And after I got married, the pressure was intense. They knew I didn't really want children, and they totally lost respect for me because of this.

I know that if I had had children, their tune would have changed completely and suddenly they would have had a ton of newfound respect for me. The respect they showed my sister for being a mother, compared to their attitude towards me, was marked. And it hadn't been like that before they became grandparents and essentially went mad.

I think you just have to accept that some of us have olds who are just a bit nutty. I do sympathise; this baby-crazy behaviour on the part of my parents deeply affected my last ten years or so with them. It's a real pity. I guess you'll have to nurture the relationship for the sake of your little one, but it's a bitter pill to swallow, absolutely.

Brilliant!

That is shocking. So your parents and your brother were happy for you to spend Christmas on your own after you had just split up with your ex. It's not like one extra person would have taken up a lot of space.

I assume you don't get on particularly well with your brother if he was willing to do that to you.

@MrsBingoLittle

So, not actually about you then? Says it all..

Sorry OP, but your mother is one very nasty woman.

She's a disgrace.
Talk about really kicking your child when down.
I think her behaviour is pretty unforgivable.
There was no need to be so vicious to your asking for some consideration and support.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking hers was a norma response.
It really wasn't.
Completely abnormal.

I wouldn't want to ever give her the power to hurt me like that again.

I certainly wouldn't be going near any bloody farm thats for sure.

As for excluding you from Christmas and leaving you alone.
Unbelievable.
They are absolute horrors.

Reply to the farm message that you would have loved to attend but due to NHS advice you should avoid farms while pregnant.

You’re not wrong to feel hurt by being left out, it was quite a dramatic change in your relationship and to expect to go back to “normal” after all this time is only going to compound your hurt feelings.

Hey OP, just wanted to share that my family similarly took a sudden huge interest in me once pregnant that they had not in years.

Now the baby is here, I, her mother, feel like an inconvenience or barrier in my family’s eyes to all the cuddles, kisses and photos they feel entitled to. They would much rather hold her while she screams to be fed than pass her back. I once again feel completely side lined.

I would of told them to F OFF their grandchild is the most important thing to them they dont give a toss about you they just want access to your child !! Not a chance id be having that they made their choice now they can live with it .