Pregnant and now I'm back in the fold

[MrsBingoLittle]

Me and my parents always had a close relationship. When I moved out we'd speak four or five times a week on the phone. Me and my ex would go round regularly for family meals and we had lovely Christmas's of 15 or 20 people. Big celebrations and really joyful.

A few years ago me and my ex split up, and this coincided with the birth of my parents first and only grandchild. I have to say I was bitterly lonely at the time, but my parents no longer had the time for phone calls, everytime I would ring they were helping out with baby.

I guess it was unfortunate timing, I needed support and my brother needed support and my brothers needs was more fun.

For context my parents probably are with my brothers family 3 or 4 full days a week.

Over time I rebuilt my life and am happy and settled. I dont speak to my parents as much as I once did, and miss that, and said that too my mum a few months ago, hoping to articulate that I missed the closeness of our relationship -but was told that grandchild is out number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much. Fine, but I dont think it needed to be said outloud.

Anyway I am early days pregnant, thrilled. But now I am getting daily phonecalls from my parents, texts on the family WhatsApp group which had been quiet for months, invites to family trips to the fun farm (whereas before if I'd asked about it I would have been. Dismissed as it not being my kind of thing). All sorts.

Whist I am delighted to be thought of again and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, it feels like my value to the family is in providing a cousin and a grandchild. And I am feeling quite suspect of the complete change in behaviour.

I also don't like that I was told they don't have the time for me, but now all of a sudden the time is there, so they just didn't want to speak to me rather than couldn't

It doesnt feel supportive or kind, just excited about a new baby.

I can't work out my feelings on this, I'm just so confused. Should I feel grateful to be back in, or and I justified in being annoyed?

I can't process my family reaction on top of everything else.

@MrsBingoLittle

I think you’re right to be weary… you’re being dismissed when trying to still be included, an engaged aunty, now it’s all, ahh you’re in the club now, yeah, that’s a flag.

And being so tackless, hurtful, and dismissive, when you shared how you missed your relationship with her, yeah, she sounds manipulative, potentially toxic?

I’d be keeping a very close eye and having some very good boundaries.

I’d be holding onto that new life you’ve built without her.

Congrats btw.

Good luck!

It would drive me nuts if my mum /mil popped round 3 or 4 times a week. How do they get anything done?

This!

That really sucks. My sister had kids four years before I did and it was always assumed I was an actively involved auntie and I got invited to play farms etc. I think in your position I would find it hard to put their treatment behind me, but I also wouldn’t want to cut off my nose to spite my face so would probably go along with a bit of increased contact, though not as much as before all this happened. I’d also focus on building new friendships with other new parents so that I wasn’t dependent on my family for child friendly socialising.

How well do you get on with your brother? That might be the better relationship to focus on.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'd feel very uneasy about her sudden interest. I really can't imagine one of my children telling me they were struggling feeling lonely and isolated...and just turning round and saying 'sorry you're on your own, as your sibling had a baby and this is the only thing that matters to me'. Seeing your siblings family 4 times a week is a LOT so they did have time to see you as well - they just weren't bothered. Only caveat is my view on this may have changed if your brother was in crisis eg his wife had extreme PND and needed someone with her the whole time to make sure she didn't hurt herself (or something similar) but it doesn't sound like that- from what they said it sounds like they were just prioritising the shiny new baby over their own children.

I think I'd struggle to get past the feeling that she was only spending time with me or making rhe effort for access to the baby, not for me as a person. So I would be very wary of building up any emotional reliance on her again given it may not be genuine and can seemingly be withdrawn if things change. Its like when you see stories on here when friends or family drop posters when they are ill or when they lose their job. And then expect to just pick back up the friendship when the poster is better / employed again. It doesn't normally happen, as they've showed their true colours and that lack of support can't be forgotten. If you can't be there for family in their hardest moments, what's the point? On a practical level as well I'd be a bit wary of her wanting cuddles with the new baby rather than giving you any support in the early days

Just be cautious with them because they have already shown you you can't trust them by rejecting you when their first grand child was born and you needed their support the most.

Its like now you are pregnant, you have proved your self worth to them but they could not be bothered with you when you were not pregnant.

Don't be so ridiculous. OP has said:

'She definitely realised the impact, I had at one stage told her how I missed hearing from her and how I was desperately lonely and feeling isolated. That was when she told me that the grandchild was now her number one priority, the light of her life and the only thing that mattered to her and my father.

I cant tell you how much that hurt. Not the fact that the grandchild was the priority but that my mother said that they were the ONLY thing that mattered.'

No normal loving mother would ever say such cruel things to her own daughter and then expect OP to just forget about their previous lack of love and care when OP needed it most just so they could stake their claim to the new grandchild.

How is OP being needy now? She has learned how to live her life without any love and support from her parents. She actually doesn't need them any more due to their actions. They are just suffering the consequences of their own unloving actions. It's karma.

Now you have a much more realistic perception of who they are i would maintain a relationship with them that suits you. You can't really rely on them so dont. At the same time i dont mean punish them. Just maintain the boundary they set

Now you have a much more realistic perception of who they are i would maintain a relationship with them that suits you. You can't really rely on them so dont. At the same time i dont mean punish them. Just maintain the boundary they set

What a mean-spirited person you are. You unnecessarily put the boot in with your first response to OP and this twatty post is just further confirmation.

Hmm, ok.

I'd fuck them right off - they were happy to let you drown in your own sorrow when you needed them and now you're having a baby you're suddenly good enough to be a sounding board for tennis club gossip again? What if you'd never had kids - they'd have just left you to it?

They've been very clear that you aren't a priority - why would you want such mercurial dicks in your baby's life?

Yes, because that’s an adult way to behave.🙄

They're excited for you. My in-laws are very excited right now because after years of miscarriages, it's looking like I might actually become a mother at the ripe old age of 38. It's been a long, painful and miserable slog to get to this stage and I sincerely hope my little boy is born healthy and bouncing in March. And then hopefully I can do it all again and bring him a sibling or two. We'll do our absolute best.

Pregnancies and newborns are joyful. They bring light into an otherwise miserable and stressful world. It's refreshing to hear good news every once in a while. That's what your parents are reacting to. It's not that you're suddenly relevant to them. At least I hope not.

OP- you are not alone. I have an entire side of a family that are just obsessed with babies/ having babies/ who’s having a baby. If you are of child bearing age and not doing so, then you are viewed with Great Suspicion. They couldn’t even tell you what any working female in the family’s job was, because they actually don’t care.

Even if the family Whattsapp conversation is steered away from said babies, ie someone’s academic success, it is quickly reverted back to the normal chat. It’s feral.

They sound toxic.

I'd be very tempted to withdraw from all these chats and friendliness. They withdrew from you when you needed them and now, just because you're pregnant, they want to play happy families. Fuck that.

This, with bells on!

I think this is kind of where I'm at. I get those saying she is now excited, but even though there is nothing to report she isn't asking about me or baby, it's very much just general chat and her trying to pretend we're close and that the last few years haven't happened.

I was never really after support from them, just these kinds of chats about tennis or the village when I was feeling lonely. 15 minutes when they were driving back from my brother's.

I love the way you used your imagination there!

I would have to have a honest discussion with them asking why you essentially wanted nothing to do with me now I’m pregnant you want it all. And lay out how you are feeling.

I don't think you are wrong to be annoyed with them.

I think you could do with some counselling to help you process this before your bany arrives so you can make decisions.

Clearly you are valued and loved only as a provider of a grandchild and your standing in the family is directly proportional to the babies you produce. What you need to decide is whether it is in the best interests of this baby and any future siblings to have these people involved as they grow up.

People who are capable of genuine love do not put conditions on it, and do not dole it out proportionally to desired behaviours.

It can be dazzling and enjoyable to be on the recieving end of this treatment when you are in favour, but it is not love. The hurt that hits when it is inevitably withdrawn can make it not really worth it.

They have treated you horribly, but this isn't about giving/witholding forgiveness for past behaviours, it's about protecting yourself and your child(ren) from all the future heartbreak because you know full well what's going to happen next time you fall out of favour and avoiding that by always performing according to their demands to avoid ever falling out if favour is no way to live, so it might be better to go your own way free of them.

The sudden outbreak of chats are to get their foot back in the door Op, they'll deny all knowledge of being unavailable before.

Fuck that, I would be spiting my face left, right and centre I'm afraid I think it proves how self involved and lacking in self awareness your mum is that it hasn't even occurred to her how obvious she's made her motivation by suddenly starting up the phone calls the day after you told her you were pregnant! She hasn't given a single thought to how that might look (or feel) to you, she's fully focused on getting what she wants, which is access to your child. I wouldn't trust that she's ever going to be any sort of good role model to her GC and would not want my DC involved in the family dynamic she's likely to create so would be keeping them well away in your shoes OP.