Pregnant and now I'm back in the fold

[MrsBingoLittle]

Me and my parents always had a close relationship. When I moved out we'd speak four or five times a week on the phone. Me and my ex would go round regularly for family meals and we had lovely Christmas's of 15 or 20 people. Big celebrations and really joyful.

A few years ago me and my ex split up, and this coincided with the birth of my parents first and only grandchild. I have to say I was bitterly lonely at the time, but my parents no longer had the time for phone calls, everytime I would ring they were helping out with baby.

I guess it was unfortunate timing, I needed support and my brother needed support and my brothers needs was more fun.

For context my parents probably are with my brothers family 3 or 4 full days a week.

Over time I rebuilt my life and am happy and settled. I dont speak to my parents as much as I once did, and miss that, and said that too my mum a few months ago, hoping to articulate that I missed the closeness of our relationship -but was told that grandchild is out number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much. Fine, but I dont think it needed to be said outloud.

Anyway I am early days pregnant, thrilled. But now I am getting daily phonecalls from my parents, texts on the family WhatsApp group which had been quiet for months, invites to family trips to the fun farm (whereas before if I'd asked about it I would have been. Dismissed as it not being my kind of thing). All sorts.

Whist I am delighted to be thought of again and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, it feels like my value to the family is in providing a cousin and a grandchild. And I am feeling quite suspect of the complete change in behaviour.

I also don't like that I was told they don't have the time for me, but now all of a sudden the time is there, so they just didn't want to speak to me rather than couldn't

It doesnt feel supportive or kind, just excited about a new baby.

I can't work out my feelings on this, I'm just so confused. Should I feel grateful to be back in, or and I justified in being annoyed?

I can't process my family reaction on top of everything else.

This x 100000.

This sounds really hard. Would it help to talk to a friend or therapist. I think if it was me, I would play happy families but I would always remember what they did. Your Mum doesn’t sound very empathetic buy her response when you opened up. Just enjoy the help when baby arrives but you might want to think about whether you want your parents at your house quite as much as your brother does!

Oh OP, that is so hurtful. Congratulations on your pregnancy and for being so strong. The way you speak about your parents given how they have treated you says volumes about your balance, respect and resilience.

Sadly, you don't have an emotionally safe relationship here so by all means have some form of relationship but keep those eyes wide open. They have shown you who they are. Have superficial chats, let them help with childcare and be kind to your child. But know that if, God forbid, anything were to happen to your pregnancy, they'll be back to Grandchild number one and you'll be left alone again. Rinse and repeat for anything else you might need in future outside of doting on grandkid. Find your emotional anchor elsewhere. And if you can't do that, then keep them at arms length. You've "got over" them once don't put yourself through it again. I'm sorry you have parents who have treated you like this. They must have done something right create a well rounded person like you, but learn from this.

You are overthinking it and sound incredibly needy. I don’t think your feelings of neglect or lack of support when needed entitles you to think you are an incubator!! They are excited for you that’s all. A new baby does bring new begins joy etc so why not just take it for what it is?

as for family outings, when we were childless we were not invited to such activities either / didn’t bother us and rightly so, it would not have been right for us then. Not everything had to be a drama.

You are justified in being annoyed. They weren't there for you when you needed it. They made (poor) excuses about not being able to make time for you and now that you're life is more interesting to them they all of a sudden do have time. They have behaved and are behaving very selfishly.

'grandchild is our number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much', I wouldn't really bother with them again.

I can't help agreeing.

They sound bloody horrible.

I think I’d be keeping my distance. Are your in laws nice people?

I completely understand your hurt. I can understand why they put their time into your brother and his newborn baby - grandparents get excited by a new baby - a new generation and re-live the best bits of being parents again through the grandkids. Its not that they stopped caring for you but just that they prioritised spending time on what brought them fun and pleasure.

But honestly I would not spend any time looking back or stewing on it. Just enjoy the attention you are now getting. Ride that wave :) Bask in the light ! Its your time to shine. Being practical - once baby comes along you are going to value a good support network with your parents being involved. Not all parents are willing to get involved so again - value this and feel lucky. Dont stress - be practical and go with the flow. Your baby on the way will also be lucky to have a family around them - it provides stability and good foundations for the baby. Best of luck to you all x

Tell them you'll be in touch if or when you need them.....

I'm childfree by choice and I know exactly how you feel Op, you're their DC but you've been put into second place because you didn't have DC. Some people can't seem to cope with their adult children , people who have their own minds and choices, they can only focus on young children who don't challange them and are small and cute. In yiur place I'd take a step back

This was so sad to read - your parents really let you down when you needed them. Your brother doesn't obviously need to see them 3 or 4 times a week, and I wonder how he and his wife actually feel about the love bombing they're getting from your parents. They may be hoping that they move the intensity onto you.

I would be very wary of just pretending that the years of distance didn't happen and jumping back into a close relationship with them again.

You don't need to there to provide grandchild cuddles on demand. I think you should accept their support on your terms. So only pick up the phone if you feel like chatting, only be available to meet if it suits you.

If your mum is brazen enough to ask why you're not always available to her, you can let her know that you're busy with other things, it's a nice novelty to have her back in your life, but you can't let your friends and partner down whenever she wants contact.

Your baby will benefit from having them in their life, but not necessarily to the extent that they're in your brothers kids lives. Because you know they can't be relied upon to provide unconditional support to anyone.

Their help for you may be very handy when the baby comes, but again on your terms - if you're happy with them babysitting for a couple of hours every Friday evening, that's when they can see your child. If you don't want your mum dropping off dinners when you get back from holidays, tell her no thanks.

It's not to punish them by witholding their grandchild, but I don't think I could ever let my guard down completely, they let you down badly, I wouldn't trust them not to do it again. I'd be wary that they could let my child down too, so wouldn't them to be emeshed in my family life.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

In light of this I would say YADNBU and you should keep her at arms length and make it clear to her (and your father) your reasons why.

What an awful thing for her to say to you when you told her you were struggling.

She needs to work a lot harder if she wants to re-build a relationship with you than just picking up the phone and acting like nothing has happened.

My mum once told me while I was going through utter hell that she prioritised my sister and her family as her family were professionals. I give her a fairly wide berth and will leave all elderly care to my sister (my parents I think have an expectation they will help and I will help them). Fuck them, I will sit back and watch it go to shit. You and I have the wonderful freedom of owing our parents nothing. It’s liberating.

Reading this i am going to suggest two things. The first is the most important.

1. Get some therapy.

I found it helpful just to have someone to prepare but also post birth talk to about all the changes a baby brings.
For myself and my dh our first child opened a bit of a pandoras box on our own childhood.. i am wondering if this might happen for you.
Many work places offer this for free as part of the benefits package but people dont know and dont use it.

2. Have a read up on enmeshment. I know you talk about it as closeness and it being lovely .... but is it really? Your mothers level of involvement sounds extreme ... cookibg meals etc. Theres 2 able bodied adults with one child for gods sake...

I'd be very cautious and once bitten twice shy in terms of your parents because a very common dynamic is the oldest GC is highly favored and subsequent gc "get whats leftover" or thibgs sre done "for the kids" but its for favoured GC to be "close to their cousins" not for all the kids to "spend time together"
Given how obsessed she is the your nephew I'd be surprised if yours gets the same "red carpet treatment"

Mummy? Is that you Mummy?

I'd be careful about investing too much into this now, you've been burned once. Just enjoy it on a level.. anyway, congratulations with your personal good news!

I also agree with only accepting invites / offering babysitting (or whatever) on your terms and when it suits you.
Decline anything that is inconvenient or doesnt work for you.

She couldn't be bothered with you before and admitted it to you and now you are carrying a shiny new baby, she wants to be involved?

No, if you weren't good enough before you were pregnant, she can do one now.

Fuck. That. They have shown you who they are. I’d struggle to forgive this. It’s up to you how you deal with it, you may wish to keep your feelings to yourself, and play happy families for your child’s sake (I wouldn’t myself, but I’m not the forgiving type, I didn’t have grand parents in my life and I survived, and I wouldn’t want them if that’s how they treated my mum, frankly). But at least you know how much they actually value you now.

If you are able to put aside that your parents dropped their child for a grandchild, and that you are only back in favour because you will be providing a fresh grandchild, then I might "match their energy" as they say.

Don't expect anything from her as a mother (and maybe consider starting therapy to deal with this, since you might feel worse about it once you have a child yourself). However, it could be very very useful to have practical help and support (on your terms).

I really hope that your parents don't drop the other GC for the new baby. If they do (aside from a natural more intense burst of help in the first months), then you will need to have a plan for how to protect your child going forward.

Their behaviour is no reflection on your worth. Good luck & congratulations on your pregnancy!

Absolutely not being unreasonable. I'd need a sincere apology and to see long term consistent change before I'd let them back in fully. And long term change means respecting your boundaries- lovebombing you with daily calls isn't it.

I'd be so wary about grandchild favouritism. I think the suggestion of therapy is good and think about what you need to see or hear from them to rebuild the trust.

Babysitting/childcare is a big fat NO @MrsBingoLittle , but I'm sure you know that already

Total disgrace. I saw this often years ago with certain sections of society who shall be nameless.

In that youngest grandchild is dropped like a crock of shit immediately as soon as the latest newborn arrives.

The grandmother likes to boast about the number of grandchildren she has. But doesn't really take that much genuine interest in them.

A real controlling matriarch type.
Who deep down is probably a deprived baby herself and can't get enough attention

As for the grand father he may regard them as trophies children and has evidence of his or his sons masculinity virility.

Give the a wide birth Jon.

Make a good life for you.and your family with genuine, caring people.

I wouldn't be happy about this; i had similar, my parents were quite open about the fact that my sister and her kids were more important than me & DH ( we don't have kids, couldn't have them).

When i was talking to my dad about it, i mentioned that it would be nice if they asked about my life or we talked about other stuff, rather than my nieces & nephew all the time, he was surprised, and said "They're the future of our family!!"

Despite being sidelined as unimportant, me & DH were the ones who were called when Mum & dad needed something doing, or taking somewhere. We took them out with us when we went anywhere.

Once my nieces & nephew were out of the babysitting stage, mum & dad were dropped. They rarely see them now.

It sounds like they will be very overbearing when your baby arrives. I’d absolutely hate that. You’re going to have to be very firm with them if you don’t want them at your house 4 times per week by the sounds.