Pregnant and now I'm back in the fold

[MrsBingoLittle]

Me and my parents always had a close relationship. When I moved out we'd speak four or five times a week on the phone. Me and my ex would go round regularly for family meals and we had lovely Christmas's of 15 or 20 people. Big celebrations and really joyful.

A few years ago me and my ex split up, and this coincided with the birth of my parents first and only grandchild. I have to say I was bitterly lonely at the time, but my parents no longer had the time for phone calls, everytime I would ring they were helping out with baby.

I guess it was unfortunate timing, I needed support and my brother needed support and my brothers needs was more fun.

For context my parents probably are with my brothers family 3 or 4 full days a week.

Over time I rebuilt my life and am happy and settled. I dont speak to my parents as much as I once did, and miss that, and said that too my mum a few months ago, hoping to articulate that I missed the closeness of our relationship -but was told that grandchild is out number 1 priority and the light of our lives and we just don't have time to see you as much. Fine, but I dont think it needed to be said outloud.

Anyway I am early days pregnant, thrilled. But now I am getting daily phonecalls from my parents, texts on the family WhatsApp group which had been quiet for months, invites to family trips to the fun farm (whereas before if I'd asked about it I would have been. Dismissed as it not being my kind of thing). All sorts.

Whist I am delighted to be thought of again and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face, it feels like my value to the family is in providing a cousin and a grandchild. And I am feeling quite suspect of the complete change in behaviour.

I also don't like that I was told they don't have the time for me, but now all of a sudden the time is there, so they just didn't want to speak to me rather than couldn't

It doesnt feel supportive or kind, just excited about a new baby.

I can't work out my feelings on this, I'm just so confused. Should I feel grateful to be back in, or and I justified in being annoyed?

I can't process my family reaction on top of everything else.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. I think the way your parents behaved was deeply hurtful.

Firstly, congratulations on your news!

If I were you, I think I would postpone making a decision about this or drawing any final conclusions. I know it's easier said than done, but try and focus on your pregnancy and life you've built, and connect with them as and when it suits you.

You have a good excuse to opt out of invites and phone calls - you're pregnant and need your rest etc.

See how your feelings unfold and how much contact you find yourself wanting at various stages.

Congratulations on your lovely news.
I would be deeply hurt by your parents’ treatment. I think the only forward would be to have a really open conversation, remind them of what they said in the past and how lonely and unsupported you felt during your divorce/ separation. Then see how they respond.

I think you were right to be hurt.However so many parents are like this! Even in 2025 women are so often seen as a carrier for future GDC. I would speak to them calmly and say you were hurt by their previous comments .I would try to keep them on board though .You are vulnerable when being a new Mum, and will need all the help you can get! Sometimes parents dont mean to be unkind .Perhaps they felt you wouldnt be interested in petting Farms as a young singleton with a Career . I am "in waiting" to be a DGM hopefully and am taking notes on how to behave properly!

That's really unfair op and I completely understand why you find it upsetting. I was the last dc to have grandchildren but can honestly say my parents never made me feel like this -yes sometimes I was at the bottom of the priority ladder but in a way that made perfect sense and didn't offend me - i.e visits to come and see me were when they could fit me in between babysitting for siblings dc rather than me being first/equal pick- but we still saw each other/spoke regularly and if I needed help would have given it - not to mention I was invited to all big "family" days out even though some weren't of interest.

I would basically progress at your own pace - if it suits you to chat to your mum or meet up with them then fine. If it doesn't you've got a cast iron reason to not feel obliged to do so, or guilty for not, for the next 18 years.

It's not even as though they can accuse you of not telling them you felt this way- you tried to do so and your mum brushed you off in a very (unnecessarily) hurtful way. Even if she'd given a vague "oh I'm sorry, i didn't realise you felt like that" I'd wager you wouldn't be feeling as bad about it all, but she completely dismissed your (valid) feelings.

No sod them! My babies are always and will always be my number 1 priorities. My babies are 32 & 36 by the way. My grandchild is no 2.

They just see you as an incubator. I can’t stand people like this!

How they have acted is very hurtful but unfortunately I don't think it is that uncommon. It does make me sad seeing those videos where parents go to their kids first (rather than grandkids) in the hospital, as I'm pretty sure my parents will be all over my baby when it's born and I'll come second. I would draw some boundaries in your position. I wouldn't cut them off but equally I wouldn't allow them to pretend nothing happened.

One option would be to avoid ‘burning your bridges ‘ either way.

Don’t change the life you now have and continue to build strong friendships and relationships (if you want to) with your husband’s family) - people who’ve been with you throughout. Make friends - build up support groups - with other prospective parents. In other words invest in the relationships that will be reciprocal and loyal.

You can maintain a relationship with your parents but on your terms. You could be honest if asked why you’re not matching their new energy, to use that horrible phrase. That they weren’t there when you were low, lonely and needed them so you had to make do on your own and that their increased engagement now just makes you feel that they only value you as an incubator.

Something similar happened with my husband's family. His parents are deceased but his cousin's family had a parental role when he was growing up, then they drifted apart.
When our DC was born we were suddenly included in social occasions and we were very close for several years.
The first baby born in their immediate family coincided with our child becoming a teenager, and suddenly the invitations stopped. We are now completely ignored.
It hurts, but I think their priorities just change.
I know it's not quite the same, but I think all you can do is try to make peace with it.

Weird Parents.
They should have been cut off the moment they said they haven't got much time for you anymore.

It's like they are trying to erase the last few years. Although if I was being charitable I could say mum phones me when she thinks of me, and now I'm pregnant she's thinking about me a lot.

@MrsBingoLittle if you pointed this out to your mum do you think she would be able to reflect on the truth of it or would she just flounce/deny/gloss over?

I miss how things were, and to be honest if this had started overnight a month ago I would have been delighted, despite the hurt of the last few years I have missed them. But it is the fact it ties in exactly to the announcement, so I told them one day and the phone calls started the following day. It makes me feel like I am only being used.

That is so awful that your Mum has been so obvious to start daily calls with you literally the day after you told her. As others have said, how do you think she would react if you pointed out she apparently didn't have time for you and now suddenly she does?

I would find myself not answering at least 50% of the calls

I'm so sorry op, you are so much more than a breeding mare, but that is how your family is treating you. It is wrong.

I can't imagine ever treating a child (even a grown up one) like this. My mother loves all of her grandchildren, but she loves all of her children too. None were left out of days out or phonecalls because of their parental status.

She'd probably tell me that "I can't win, this is what you wanted, and I'm just trying to be supportive." And I think she is trying to be supportive, it's just her support is conditional to there being something she wants at the end of it.

The thing with not answering, is like I said, if this had started before I told her I would have been delighted, so I am struggling to decide whether I should just be happy I've got what I wanted, even if it's not for the reason whym

I think the concern is that if you just accept that you have finally got what you want, you have to be ready for when she is no longer interested again, for whatever reason.

Take time to think about what is best for you.

You compared yourself to a newborn. You were a fully grown big woman who lived with a partner and your parents needed to help where it was actually needed, not because it was more fun.

Woeful pretzel logic!

This is the inclusion you craved. You have a choice:

1. Forgive the past and accept the opportunity.
2. Resent the past and reject the opportunity.

You can’t change the past and your parents clearly don’t understand your perspective, so there’s no point in trying to make them. It will only spoil any opportunity of salvaging a close relationship. I strongly suggest you try the first path. It will be healing for you. The past will fade into the distance.

At some point in your adult life everyone is prompted look at their childhood with new eyes and really see what their parents are like. This often happens when people have their first child - in your case, it's happened in quite an unavoidable way, as their behaviour is so obvious. You can choose to just ignore the signals and go back to how things were, but IMO that's a bad idea. People who refuse to examine their childhood often repeat the mistakes their parents made, or end up accepting treatment they shouldn't accept. This is true even for people who overall had a very good childhood - it's not a matter of finding fault, it's a matter of really taking in, as an adult, things that happened when you were a child and the effect they had on you.

I'm guessing that if you looked more carefully at your parents you would realise there are other issues there. Their treatment of you over the last few years has been pretty awful and I don't think that'll have come out of nowhere. For example, the fact that you know your mother would dismiss your feelings is a big red flag - did she always make you feel like you couldn't bring anything up?

You don't have to cut them off - you can see them for who they are and then build a relationship that takes that into account. It's hard, but it will help you as a parent, by making you more aware of automatic reactions and thoughts that are not helpful or that could be a problem in your relationship with your own child.

I might be projecting so I ll keep it short.

My mother was parentified, and was often in saviour mode. Automatically running to the victim, particularly protecting people from mental health issues or healing the sick or nursing children (she is a nurse). She never ran to me or prioritised me, or gave me equal attention or support. I was a female ally strong enough to cope without her. Essentially abandoning me, and expecting me to take the saviour jobs she no longer had capacity for. Her actions were automatic and never considered, but so ingrained in her, they were almost like a panto.

Many older women were conditioned to be the practical help. She might not realise the impact of her actions.

That's hard. I think I'd be very aware that they have realised the access to their grandchild is through you, so better get you back onside (and quickly). I think I'd have to say something.

Think on op pressuring you for any unsupervised time with your dc is a def no no imo. Regular unsupervised access could prompt them to seek access through the courts long term. Given what you say about them this isn't beyond their way of thinking... Or maybe I am just a suspicious bat!

She definitely realised the impact, I had at one stage told her how I missed hearing from her and how I was desperately lonely and feeling isolated. That was when she told me that the grandchild was now her number one priority, the light of her life and the only thing that mattered to her and my father.

I cant tell you how much that hurt. Not the fact that the grandchild was the priority but that my mother said that they were the ONLY thing that mattered.

I have always been seen as a bit of a trooper, but I did say what I needed, it was dismissed, but they fact my mothers behaviour has now changed lets me know that she knows it wasnt acceptable.

I think this thread has really helped. It has given me clarity that my anger is justified and I think even letting my mum move things back to the way things were is probably going to be quite damaging in the long run.

I would try and approach this new found interest charitably - relationships go through different stages for many reasons but if you like this bit of it then engage with it, especially as there support when you have a kid would probably be helpful. Maybe they didn't understand how to engage and help with your prior issues but they feel like they understand how to support you through this?