Abusive father is terminally ill Wwyd?

[Blessedtobehereinthisworld]

My father was physically and mentally abusive in my childhood, and resented my sibling and I as he did not want children, and detested being a parent and would take his frustration out on us, but mainly me.

He has always made it clear he doesn’t even like me or love me, very openly so, and he barely tolerates any of us. He lives a very small life with little interaction with the outside world, and seemed to enjoy some of the harm he caused - he used to find it amusing and entertaining to see others cry or unsettled etc.

I attempted to have a relationship with my parents when my children were very young, but he became verbally abusive and critical towards my dc. To the point of reducing them to tears so we were forced to stop seeing him. I had to protect my children from him.

It caused me great anguish to effectively end up losing my entire side of the family. As my mother stayed with him and told me to ‘put up with it’ and my sibling stopped speaking to me altogether, because they wanted me to pretend things were okay and I couldn’t.

Fast forward 8/9 years and my father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I sent a gift to him, but he completely ignored it and he hasn’t even thanked me or acknowledge it. I suspect he is angry with me for not allowing him access to the children - but I never got the feeling he cared much about them anyway, he has never made an attempt to contact them in any way or apologise to anyone.

I am not sure where to go from here. Has anyone else been in this position? I want to reach out and comfort him, as anyone would, a natural reaction to this kind of news but I am very wary and afraid of him.

I could do with your advice, thoughts and experience. How this is likely pan out, and how I can take care of myself in this process, as I have never been able to fully protect myself in the past, always choosing to put others before my own well being.

Thank you

you went no contact for a reason op

if it would make you feel better by contacting think about it but if he hasn’t been in your kids lives for a long time do they need to have contact now?

dig deep and consider all the outcomes that can throw up from this before stepping forward anymore.

Couldnt have put this any better, good luck OP x

Carry on as normal. You don't see your father any more, OP, so why would you change that now? Just ignore the whole situation.

It’s a difficult one, as I have always had a difficult relationship with my father. And despite some similarities to your situation my DC do go to them say once a month.
My DF knows if certain things happen I will not stand for it.
People say oh you must do this or that, because they are a parent, but it is down to the individual. There is no right or wrong answer. It is also difficult with other family members, especially the other parent, if they have chosen to stay and put up with it. And siblings will also see things differently too unfortunately.

I wouldn’t include my dc in any contact. They are old enough now to make their own decisions.

I am worried about regret.

It is not that I imagine he will suddenly turn into dad of the year, but I was thinking if I should say anything that needed to be said I need to do it sooner rather than later.

What would I do?

Silently celebrate
practically do fuck all
hope for an inheritance

I don’t see me dad at all now. He sounds like yours. i gave my children the option to see him but they never want to, they know he’s been a terrible parent and has caused so much harm to us.

obviously I didn’t have the power to avoid him when when I was growing up but I take great pleasure in exercising my agency now. You do the same.

Don’t bother
He's not worth it

You wanted to do a nice thing and sent a gift, an olive branch to say you were there, thinking about him and potentially prepared to support him.

You received no thank yous or acknowledgement. He rejected you. This should tell you all you need to know. Protect your own wellbeing by staying NC.

You already tried -he did not respond. Why bang your head against the wall (again). He has shown you all your life who he is -believe him.

Are you in contact with your mother? She might need some support.

I'm not sure your father will respond positively to you. Terminal.illness doesn't make saintly, remorseful etc...

I think you may end up more upset and distressed. You've made a gesture, it's been ignored. Think it could be worth checking in with your mother though.

Hold your peace. Let him die without you; the same as he chose to live.
Perhaps you can rebuild with the rest of the family afterwards, perhaps not.
He’s out of your life for very good reasons. Have confidence in yourself and the position you are in.

It’s shocking you have any contact with him

Whatever he was he could be much worse now, no consequences really

Or he could be facing the pearly gates full of regret

Personally I would forget about it, he was never a dad, never a grandad, you were just fodder for his aggressive ego.

You sent a gift, showing thought, he ignored it which seems like he is only going to be worse.

Or try it the other way, if you, his daughter found out you were terminally ill what would he do?

You have your children, your future, don’t look back.

You are a much better person than me for even contemplating trying to reach out to him. You make your life as you go along, not when facing terminal health. Please take comfort in that no matter how hard he tried he didn’t get to break you. Do yourself a favour, keep away.

I did ask my father if he could promise me to be kind to the children if we were to resume contact, and he said no. It wasn’t an option after that. He baldly said he wasn’t going to change for anyone. And that was it.

Your children are will young op - pre teen or early teen

so yes… YOU make the decision. They haven’t seen him since they were very young. I would just say “remember meeting my dad? Yes that’s the one, not a nice man, well he’s now ill and likely to pass away soon. I felt that you were old enough to know”

There is someone who has done some horrendous things and when they are on their deathbed I will visit only to whisper in their ear that they are going to hell for all they've done.

I would say don't visit him. Don't give him the opportunity to reject you yet again. Let your absence tell him everything.

You will regret it. You already regret trying previously. He won’t apologise for his behaviour. Embrace your peace.

This.

You have reached out. Ball is now in his court.

Any chance of at least an inheritance from this abuser op?

I have said YABU simply because you are being unreasonable to consider contacting him. He is who heis, he has not changed.

He was and remains abusive, his choice.

I would remain no contact with the lot of them

I can tell you that this is EXACTLY what you should do because I’ve done it myself - abusive father died while we were still NC (he disowned me for marrying outside of my “race,” after verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing me during my childhood, so you can imagine what a pleasant man he was). He tried to get back in touch at one point, but I realized that I felt sick every time we’d talked, and he’d been doing that for my entire life…

I worked for hospice and there’s this idea, often from people who have not worked with the dying a lot or very closely, that a dying person turns into a saint. The fact is, they don’t magically stop being an arsehole.

You may want to be the kind of person who comforts their dying father, BUT that’s not the kind of father you have. You say he abused you, then moved on to abusing your children. It sounds like you’ve given up a lot to be free of generational abuse (your mum, your sibling). You are NOT a bad person if you don’t give up your hard-earned emotional “safety” just because your abusive father has had bad news. Please don’t let this affect your view of yourself.

Yes, some (fewer than you’d think) people do have epiphanies while dying, but the sign of that would be that HE contacts YOU. You’ve made it clear that you’d accept some contact, through your gift, and this is no longer your problem.

He’s made his bed, leave him to lie in it.

Imagine a man saying they couldn’t promise not to treat your children like shite… and having anything further to do with him?! 😵‍💫

DH was. He decided that he wouldn't go and visit. They had been NC for years, FIL had done some awful, unforgivable (to DH) things and DH felt it wouldn't be right to go at the end. He's never regretted it. FIL was a virtual stranger to him by then, DH had done all his mourning over the relationship already.

I am sad he rejected my olive branch. He never actually deserved the olive branch, but I offered it to him any way. I don’t think he misses us or even thinks about us to be honest. It is very painful when I think about it.

There was a very small part of me that hoped this diagnosis might be a moment when he realises time is short, and contacts me. But it appears to have made no difference.

I really can’t understand how he can be so indifferent to his own child. I have never been able to understand it.