Abusive father is terminally ill Wwyd?

[Blessedtobehereinthisworld]

My father was physically and mentally abusive in my childhood, and resented my sibling and I as he did not want children, and detested being a parent and would take his frustration out on us, but mainly me.

He has always made it clear he doesn’t even like me or love me, very openly so, and he barely tolerates any of us. He lives a very small life with little interaction with the outside world, and seemed to enjoy some of the harm he caused - he used to find it amusing and entertaining to see others cry or unsettled etc.

I attempted to have a relationship with my parents when my children were very young, but he became verbally abusive and critical towards my dc. To the point of reducing them to tears so we were forced to stop seeing him. I had to protect my children from him.

It caused me great anguish to effectively end up losing my entire side of the family. As my mother stayed with him and told me to ‘put up with it’ and my sibling stopped speaking to me altogether, because they wanted me to pretend things were okay and I couldn’t.

Fast forward 8/9 years and my father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I sent a gift to him, but he completely ignored it and he hasn’t even thanked me or acknowledge it. I suspect he is angry with me for not allowing him access to the children - but I never got the feeling he cared much about them anyway, he has never made an attempt to contact them in any way or apologise to anyone.

I am not sure where to go from here. Has anyone else been in this position? I want to reach out and comfort him, as anyone would, a natural reaction to this kind of news but I am very wary and afraid of him.

I could do with your advice, thoughts and experience. How this is likely pan out, and how I can take care of myself in this process, as I have never been able to fully protect myself in the past, always choosing to put others before my own well being.

Thank you

Your father is an abuser and your mother is his enabler. If she had stood up for you, he wouldn't have been able to do the dreadful things that he did. It might have meant your mum having to leave him and she obviously chose him instead of you.

You need to cut off your mum and your brother. Can you imagine you enabling someone to hurt your childen and then blaming your children for escaping the abuse?

Your family of origin is a toxic, cruel mess. Do not see them, do not speak to them and do not help them. Don't be guilted by your mum if she needs help and care in her old age. Leave that to the golden child.

I'd be wishing him a long, lingering and extremely painful death.

I think I read somewhere that closure doesn't come from the other person - it comes from accepting reality and finding peace within yourself

OP. My abusive Mother died in 2022 ( it was clear it was terminal about 6m before)

In my case, as I didn’t want any possible 'regret' I became involved in arranging care & travelled 300miles to visit. She took the opportunity to tell me I was 'disinherited' and made a number of really vicious remarks. No deathbed 'realisation' for her. I had some Counselling after to help me process it. Her death was the final stage in my acceptance that she hated me. It's a complicated grief, as you are grieving a 'never going to be ok' relationship as well as (possibly) a person.

I wish you well whatever you decide x

Grieve the parent you never had. Preserve your own peace. Be gentle with yourself; it has never been an easy path. Only contact if it is your choice not because you feel you have to but, do so knowing who he is. It is hard to mourn a life and relationship you never had but do prioritize yourself and feel no guilt about this.

That is an extremely good point. Instead of worrying about this ‘non relationship’ I could be putting this time into those that do cherish me. I am lucky to have them. They have been very understanding.

I am sorry to those that have posted their own experiences here, it is complex and hard to know how to ‘manage’ the situation we find ourselves in. For those that are more certain I wish I could be too. I am too soft, and sometimes wish I could hold a grudge! It would be very helpful.

It’s hard to accept that you are never going to have the father daughter relationship you hoped for. This is entirely your dad’s fault. I think you would do better to try to unpack this with a therapist. Chasing after your dad like this will only give him the opportunity to hurt you again. He is never going to give you what you need.

If you can’t do it for yourself, then for your children and your partner

every minute you spend navel gazing about this vile abuser, is a minute you could be channeling towards your you and your family

This isn’t about “holding a grudge” for someone who owes you a tenner from a few months ago

This is much much more serious
The only reason I would have contact would be if I thought I was in for a tasty inheritance . Then I’d plaster on a smile and fake it until he popped his clogs.
otherwise, he wouldn’t see me for dust

This. He’s reaping what he sowed.

Could you turn this kind, caring energy towards someone who might be more in need (and deserving…) of it? (You?) You sound like a lovely person. You could write a letter if you wanted, but you’ve already contacted with no response, you’ve done enough.

I’m afraid I also disagree with the poster above who said your mum might need support, well, she didn’t support / protect you as her own child, so I definitely don’t think you should feel obliged to step in there.

Protect your peace would be my advice.

You do nothing OP. Your Dad for whatever reason made it very clear he didn't love you, didn't like you and resented you. Now you let him die alone.

What would I do?
Nothing.
Live my life as until now.

My mother repeatedly told me this and, guess what, I wasn’t sorry when she died. Nor when my father died, he never stood up for me.
Four years on and I haven’t shed a single tear.
Heartless? No, self preservation after too many years of FOG.

Exactly this. You extended a hand of friendship. He ignored it. He deserves nothing anyway. Protect your peace, it was obviously very hard won.

Perhaps write a letter if you feel it might be cathartic. But NOT to send, just for you to get it all out. Then burn it. You have done more to make an effort for your entire life. You owe him nothing.

Why are you still bothering with him? He is a evil piece of shit by your own words. You need to up your methods of emotional healing and cut him out. You can’t perpetuate this bs. What if your kids end up with someone like your ex-dad? Distance, grey rock or go no contact.

If you learnt now this minute, that he was actually dead, would you feel regret? I suspect not. Why should you?

Indeed this. He’s an awful person and you went NC for a good reason.

He's been vile in life and that won't change in death.
You owe him nothing.

Long and complicated story so I’ll bullet point it.
DH was NC with his F when we met.
Im from a close loving family and convinced him to reconnect with elderly F.
I was wrong to do this, the man was a vile bully and decided he didn’t like me because I wouldn’t take his shit, and would call him out on it.
The vindictive old cunt then mounted a campaign to try and split DH and I up. Almost worked too because even at the age of 50 odd DH was scared of his dad.
DH grew a pair and told him he’d ruined his childhood with the abuse to him, siblings and DM. He left DMinlaw destitute with 6 kids for another woman.
NC again until F became ill. He came to our house. I told him I’d help in a practical sense, shopping etc but there would be no relationship. DH said he’d visit him every day after work but not at weekends(our time)
On the very first day DH visited him the old bastard started again with the put downs and name calling. Denying he’d been a bad F, blaming everyone else. The first fucking visit!!
NC again, F died, DH didn’t go to the funeral, we don’t know where he’s buried.
Moral of the story, cunts don’t change their spots even when they’re dying! Don’t give him the opportunity to upset you again!