Abusive father is terminally ill Wwyd?

[Blessedtobehereinthisworld]

My father was physically and mentally abusive in my childhood, and resented my sibling and I as he did not want children, and detested being a parent and would take his frustration out on us, but mainly me.

He has always made it clear he doesn’t even like me or love me, very openly so, and he barely tolerates any of us. He lives a very small life with little interaction with the outside world, and seemed to enjoy some of the harm he caused - he used to find it amusing and entertaining to see others cry or unsettled etc.

I attempted to have a relationship with my parents when my children were very young, but he became verbally abusive and critical towards my dc. To the point of reducing them to tears so we were forced to stop seeing him. I had to protect my children from him.

It caused me great anguish to effectively end up losing my entire side of the family. As my mother stayed with him and told me to ‘put up with it’ and my sibling stopped speaking to me altogether, because they wanted me to pretend things were okay and I couldn’t.

Fast forward 8/9 years and my father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I sent a gift to him, but he completely ignored it and he hasn’t even thanked me or acknowledge it. I suspect he is angry with me for not allowing him access to the children - but I never got the feeling he cared much about them anyway, he has never made an attempt to contact them in any way or apologise to anyone.

I am not sure where to go from here. Has anyone else been in this position? I want to reach out and comfort him, as anyone would, a natural reaction to this kind of news but I am very wary and afraid of him.

I could do with your advice, thoughts and experience. How this is likely pan out, and how I can take care of myself in this process, as I have never been able to fully protect myself in the past, always choosing to put others before my own well being.

Thank you

Use the money you’d spend on him on counselling to give yourself the space to grieve- not the man who is dying now- but the dad you never had and who you deserved- one who loved and cared for you. Not this scum.

I had a nasty old bastard for a father too, OP. And a similar brother. Forget them both, let them rot in their own vile-ness and enjoy your life.

by the way, those who say wait for a nice inheritance, of course every case is different but all my father's money went to said brother , not me, so maybe don't get too hopeful.

I think that in these situations there is no right answer but I would think deeply about what outcome you are hoping for if you choose to contact him. Would you be happy if you contacted him and he was unkind or dismissive? You need to consider this because, given his past behaviour, that is the most likely outcome. I can understand you wanting to avoid regret but might you also regret being in touch if he doesn't say what you hope?

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you, that might be to contact him but only if you will be satisfied whatever the outcome.

Good luck OP x

Leave him to it and have zero regrets.
I certainly wont be entertaining mine or feeling any guilty. He can rot for all I care.

I would do absolutely nothing.

I am fully expecting this to be the case with me too. It will be my father’s final insult. I am prepared, and know it is coming.

If it will give you 'closure' then it's up to you

But he's never been a father. He doesn't want to see you and I'm really not sure what this could achieve except more upset for you

So unless you want to tell him exactly what an awful man he is I don't see the point.

I'm afraid I voted YABU. Grieve for the absence of a fatherly/parental relationship you never had as a child and as an adult - but I'd strongly suggest ditching anything beyond that. Don't do that to yourself.

He's not going to change and being rejected/ignored/dismissed by him is not suddenly going to make you feel loved and cherished.

I say that as someone who had to do something similar.

My dad died alone in a care home in May this year. 4 children all chose this. My therapist helped me through it. I was struggling what to do and I decided to treat him the exact way he treated me when I was a baby/child. I abandoned him to his fate. (I was abused by my step dad).

Right after it happens (the death), you will feel some guilt. I did. This is NOT because you are guilty!!! It’s because you’re a normal person and lots of normal people (not all, we’re all different) would grieve in this situation and wish things could have been different.

Realize that you’re grieving a father you never had, and can now, never have. In my experience, it’s healthier to just say: he’s gone. It’s over. Mourn the relationship you could have had, and make TODAY the end of it. Write that letter you mentioned, then burn it. Focus on your diagnosis (I’m so sorry!) and your own family, whatever that looks like.

And I have to say, it sounds like maybe your mother’s vitriol was less straight forward than your father’s, but if you need someone to support you: here it is. Your mother sided with your abusive father, and you don’t “owe” her anything. You are “allowed” to be NC with her as well, either permanently, or until after your father’s death, if it would help you. I am telling you right now that it’s NOT normal or okay to tell a child that they’ll regret “it” when you’re dead. Regret what? Going NC to keep yourself and your DC safe from her abusive husband?

Also if you’ve recently had a diagnosis, you may be imagining how you’d feel in your father’s shoes - that you would be destroyed by one of your children going NC. But he chose this, by his actions, and THEN by weaponizing the rest of your family against you. You cannot imagine how you’d feel, because you’d never act the way he’s acted.

Do not waste any more love or effort on your father. That effort is for people who love you and dont abuse you.

It's not right, but women of that era were raised in the mindset of husband before everything, including children. And if you look at how bleak the prospects outside of marriage were for most women - especially single mums- up until about the 80s/90s, I guess that's understandable.

Has your dad always treated her well? Because my mum has suffered low level abuse from my dad for as long as I can remember, yet never opted to leave. So I do have a degree of compassion for her, even though she has in no way been perfect herself.

Thinking about this, I don’t know if I even want a reply or contact from him. When I think of him as he is, I definitely don’t. It’s odd because in my mind it would be a loving connection, but in reality it’s never been that and isn’t about to start now.

The most likely scenario would be that I would go to him with an open heart, gifts and a willingness to set everything aside. He would take the opportunity I imagine to blame me for everything, tell me it is my fault and use his illness to make me feel bad for putting boundaries in around my dc. It’s very likely he will want to hurt me. This is more likely than the alternative version. He really doesn’t like me, I don’t know why it is so hard to accept.

I would probably have several panic attacks before I even arrived, as I struggle to catch my breath thinking about being in his house. My dh would have to be with me.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.
WWID?
I honestly would probably visit him, tell him I look forward to dancing on his grave, and hope he enjoys the heat, because it's gonna be roasting hot where he's going. The old cunt can rot. 🔥

Then I would cut contact with the bullying bastard of a brother and the enabling unsupportive twat of a mother. 👎

Lastly I would celebrate the new found freedom and peace in all honesty. 😇
Edited to say, I hope you are okay and do what is right for you xx

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a medical diagnosis too recently.

Looks like you've got good support around you and that you're rocking and rolling as a parent - talk about breaking the cycle!

You're a good person dealing with a very difficult situation. Drop the rope now - the one that you're pulling on to try to make the family of origin work.

Allow yourself to feel all the complex feelings and be very good to yourself. If you feel you need counselling, go for it. Don't hesitate to make sure you're resourced in other ways - eat and sleep well. Get exercise if you can. Don't mull over the (unsolvable) problem of dysfunctional family: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't fix it.

I think you're great 😁

I think you are hoping with him now facing his own imminent death he will be faced with the stark reality of the wrong he has done and be remorseful. Sadly, I dont think he will. People who are abusive to their own children are not good people. He is inherently bad inside and that won't change because he is dying. You want more from him than he will ever give you because he is a bad person. Try to be comforted by the fact that you, despite all odds, have turned out to be a kind and loving person and a parent who protects their children. The closure should come from the fact that despite everything, you are still the kind of person who extends an olive branch. You have built a safe and loving family for yourself in spite of them. Don't go looking for explanations and reasoning for things that are inexplicable. Take care of yourself.

He abused your kids and you sent him a gift? I would not have done this.

I'd let him die and not worry about it, since you ask what we would do.

I am lucky I am likely to recover hopefully - it’s just been a lot.

@Blessedtobehereinthisworld you have absolutely nothing to gain from any further contact with him. You owe nothing to him or your mother. Absolutely nothing. I think what might be hitting you is the finality and that when he's dead, any potential for him to explain, change or become the father you deserved, will be gone. You've done more than enough. Don't compromise your peace any more

Honest opinion? He's cooked his own goose.
Don't bother trying anymore
He's not worth it

If o am honest I used to dream and ask Father Christmas if he could just die or disappear every single Christmas as a child. I think that is the guilt. I wished that on him because he was an absolute monster and I wanted safety and my mum away from him more than any toy.

Yes he was and is abusive to her, he controls her. It’s a coercive relationship. She did have the chance to leave when we were teens, and many times since but she renewed her vows instead and decided to stay. She had the emotional and financial means to leave if she wanted to. Now she is miserable and lonely and no one wants to be anywhere near him.

It's good you have realistic expectations of how things might go. It's harder to imagine how you might feel once he has died if you didn't try to make contact but you should give some thought to that too and try to make the best decision for you.

Objectively, what you have described doesn't sound positive or a useful exercise but I can see there may be some value in 'trying' regardless.

xx

I think I can try from a safe distance such as a letter, and leave it with him? He can carry the load for a bit, or bin it. I don’t care what he does with my letter, I associate it with closure.

What a cop out

Make peace and get closure for yourself not him. Accept he will never give you the answers you need or have the relationship you think you should have had. Be glad that the cycle hasn’t continued and your children won’t have experienced dysfunctional dynamics.

If you have access to counselling take it up & get advice on a way that will work for you.

You have a diagnosis
What about spending the time of something for your own children and partner?