Abusive father is terminally ill Wwyd?

[Blessedtobehereinthisworld]

My father was physically and mentally abusive in my childhood, and resented my sibling and I as he did not want children, and detested being a parent and would take his frustration out on us, but mainly me.

He has always made it clear he doesn’t even like me or love me, very openly so, and he barely tolerates any of us. He lives a very small life with little interaction with the outside world, and seemed to enjoy some of the harm he caused - he used to find it amusing and entertaining to see others cry or unsettled etc.

I attempted to have a relationship with my parents when my children were very young, but he became verbally abusive and critical towards my dc. To the point of reducing them to tears so we were forced to stop seeing him. I had to protect my children from him.

It caused me great anguish to effectively end up losing my entire side of the family. As my mother stayed with him and told me to ‘put up with it’ and my sibling stopped speaking to me altogether, because they wanted me to pretend things were okay and I couldn’t.

Fast forward 8/9 years and my father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I sent a gift to him, but he completely ignored it and he hasn’t even thanked me or acknowledge it. I suspect he is angry with me for not allowing him access to the children - but I never got the feeling he cared much about them anyway, he has never made an attempt to contact them in any way or apologise to anyone.

I am not sure where to go from here. Has anyone else been in this position? I want to reach out and comfort him, as anyone would, a natural reaction to this kind of news but I am very wary and afraid of him.

I could do with your advice, thoughts and experience. How this is likely pan out, and how I can take care of myself in this process, as I have never been able to fully protect myself in the past, always choosing to put others before my own well being.

Thank you

I agree you shouldn't see him.

If you do decide to see him, take someone with you, a friend or someone on your side - don't see him alone.

I agree and did so with my late mother. I have no regrets.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Similar parents/family situation here. They live abroad and we've not had meaningful contact for ten years now. However both parents are currently well, as far as I know.

My heart goes out to you 🌻. You tried to reach out to him by sending a gift and this was ignored. I think you've done your best with someone who won't change and who is unlikely to connect meaningfully. Really, if he's wanted contact with grandchildren, he should have behaved better.

You need to take exceptional care of yourself as this will be complicated grief. You aren't alone because there are others who are going through, or will go through, this.

For me I'm not sure I'll even be told if anyone in my family is ill or dies. It will be very upsetting and I do love them even though they've not treated me well. My DH says I've lost my family to mental ill health and I think there's some truth in that.

I've left the door open in hope and in my mind I wish them well. But I've also realised I've done all I can.

Take care of yourself.

It feels like a moment of truth. A now or never moment, and now I am trying to get over the loss that the answer is never. This is never going to be repaired.

The child in me so desperately wanted the happy ending, you know the part where he turns up and says he loves me after all. But it’s a little late for that at 54 and I just feel foolish. Small. Insignificant and not worthy even now. Embarrassed of my gift, for my hope.

Write him a very very truthful letter. Put everything u want to say in it. Then don’t give this man any more of your time.
u will always live with regret. Time to love yourself more.

Protect yourself and keep away, you tried and it didn't work. Clearly you were right to walk away all those years ago. It's so hard but we can't choose our parents. Some of us eventually have that lightbulb moment and have to learn somehow to come to terms with that and accept it for what it is.

“if I should say anything that needed to be said I need to do it sooner rather than later.”

So what is it, OP, that “needs to be said”? If you challenge your DF on his behaviour, he’s hardly likely to apologise now. I know he’s always your DF and you only get one, but you’ve offered an olive branch by way of sending a present, and he has ignored it. So either write him a letter, so you’ve said what you need to say (and he may not even read it) or just leave it. Frankly, OP, the moment has passed - he’s made it plain he’s not going to change and clearly has not a shred of remorse about his previous actions, so you can ignore him with a clear conscience.

Actually OP I can't understand why my parents behave this way towards their child either because family is really important to me. But they have a need to be in control and don't cope well with life and this seems to be some sort of safety valve for frustration.

Could you reframe the situation to see it as sad but best for you and your family that there's no contact?

Like @BadLuckNameChange I have worked in Palliative Care for many years and can confirm horrid people don't change at the end of their lives.

You also rapidly find out that family estrangement is very common. It's not unusual to have a list at Hospice reception of family members who aren't allowed to visit.

OP you have given your olive branch, which was more than generous of you. As it hasn't been accepted I think you should have no regrets for leaving it there.

I know you are right to say protect my own peace, but I’m not sure I have ever known inner peace after my childhood and what happened consequently.

He stood over me ib my bed in hospital and said he wished I had died, furious, when I was 16. He was thrown out by the nurses thankfully. How do you recover from that? Or any of this?

Now this decision, when I am the kind of person that loves, comforts and cares to know I won’t be holding his hand, or making him comfortable in hospital or driving him to appointments and being the kind of daughter I would like to be.

This man said he couldn’t promise not to treat your children like shite

fgs op

do you have a relationship with your sibling?

Crikey Blessed he's not for turning is he? I mean who comes out with that sentence...

I would very much stay away.

You have already been kind (more kind than he deserves) by sending a gift. The ball is in his court now and he is choosing not to contact you, even to show the basic politeness of thanking you for the gift.

I think that when you have a shitty parent, you do most of your mourning while they're still alive. Because you're mourning the good parent that you needed and deserved, the parent which they never were and never will be.

Yes I've a hospital incident too as a teenager. He took umbrage that I was cranky coming out of an anaesthetic 🙄

And there's your answer....

No, my brother is the golden wonder child, and he is incandescent that I would not tolerate my father’s abuse when it came to my own children.

He said I am ‘evil’ because Dad is old, and I am ruining his last few years. I explained what had happened to my children and he couldn’t care any less. Dismissed it entirely.

But then why would he, this was standard in our own childhood. My brother doesn’t seem to realise it isn’t normal. Most families do not have violence, anger and the police turning up. So they both cut me off, and they continue to blame me for this.

Inner child healing and reparenting yourself OP.

Abusive people often create an atmosphere of fear around the idea of them being upset - this could also explain some of your discomfort right now. I know, because that’s how I was with my father - the idea of him being upset made me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. Not through concern, but learned fear.

If it helps, I was non contact with my father for the last years of his life. I spent the time before his death working on forgiving and understanding him (not excusing, or risking going near him!), and his death was only a relief. I loved him, but he was very damaged and dangerous.

Why do you have any contact with your brother then?

OP - two highly abusive and unpleasant men

Crack open the champers, celebrate his demise, hope for a decent inheritance

Do you have a partner?

What is that?

Stop romanticising a relationship that does not and has never existed.
You are a grown woman, and need to recognise toxicity to protect yourself but more importantly your children.
You are SHOWING them how to deal with people in their lives. You can be sad, but you need to be resolute that NOBODY treats you or them in the way he did. You have respect for yourself and your children, and they need to carry the same respect for themselves forward into their lives.

Think of it this way, the father you needed and deserved is already dead. He never existed. Let this horrible man die alone.

There's nothing you need to say that he needs to hear.

Write a letter with all the things you want to say, and then on the day of his funeral, burn it. Let that be your release

My F died a couple of years ago, we were nc due to HIS behaviour since i was about 8 - he was ill and died. But he was not my dad. He was just someone who existed.