Abusive father is terminally ill Wwyd?

[Blessedtobehereinthisworld]

My father was physically and mentally abusive in my childhood, and resented my sibling and I as he did not want children, and detested being a parent and would take his frustration out on us, but mainly me.

He has always made it clear he doesn’t even like me or love me, very openly so, and he barely tolerates any of us. He lives a very small life with little interaction with the outside world, and seemed to enjoy some of the harm he caused - he used to find it amusing and entertaining to see others cry or unsettled etc.

I attempted to have a relationship with my parents when my children were very young, but he became verbally abusive and critical towards my dc. To the point of reducing them to tears so we were forced to stop seeing him. I had to protect my children from him.

It caused me great anguish to effectively end up losing my entire side of the family. As my mother stayed with him and told me to ‘put up with it’ and my sibling stopped speaking to me altogether, because they wanted me to pretend things were okay and I couldn’t.

Fast forward 8/9 years and my father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I sent a gift to him, but he completely ignored it and he hasn’t even thanked me or acknowledge it. I suspect he is angry with me for not allowing him access to the children - but I never got the feeling he cared much about them anyway, he has never made an attempt to contact them in any way or apologise to anyone.

I am not sure where to go from here. Has anyone else been in this position? I want to reach out and comfort him, as anyone would, a natural reaction to this kind of news but I am very wary and afraid of him.

I could do with your advice, thoughts and experience. How this is likely pan out, and how I can take care of myself in this process, as I have never been able to fully protect myself in the past, always choosing to put others before my own well being.

Thank you

He’d be dead to me by now anyway. He sounds a thoroughly nasty man who can’t even summon up a bit of humanity even when he’s dying.

I wouldn’t waste another moment on him. I would bet that if you told him about how he’s made you feel all these years he would just laugh in your face and make you feel ten times worse. He’s not worth the shit on your shoes.

@Blessedtobehereinthisworld you are looking at this from your perspective and how you are as a warm, caring, forgiving person, you would be better off considering his.

First off remember he has serious character defects that means he views the world through a very damaged perspective. There is nothing reasonable or rational about how he is or how he feels. He is just a ball of defective programming.

So from his perspective:

“My child who owes me their life, who I fed and clothed as well as any parent I know rejected me and I didn’t particularly like them before and now I don’t like them at all. I’m having a difficult time and they are a bad person because they abandoned me. I’m the victim and I’ve no responsibility in why this situation is the way it is.”

Now think about your gift and how it might be received through that lens. He is his sole and central focus, he lacks warmth and care, he is only concerned with himself and his own situations and feelings. No olive branch could possibly break through that.

He has an extremely poor character and to change and grow you require a good character so by default your expectations from him are way beyond his capacity.

My own Mum who also has serious character defects which have resulted in enormous harm to me is currently in ill health. I find the whole situation extremely sad but like your father due to her poor character there is literally no way things will change. So I’m very sad for my mother, I do care about her but I accept where things are and don’t chase something that can never be.

Why would you want to contact him? He is your biological father but not your Dad. If you need to do this for yourself to say goodbye to him and not live with guilt (not that you should), then do it but protect yourself.

I was going to write a final letter of goodbye for my benefit not his. Not with the expectation of reconciliation but for closure. To outline my sadness that there has been no relationship, and that as a child and as a woman there is nothing more I would have liked than a loving relationship with him, especially now in the last chapter.

The truth is I have also had a diagnosis and maybe it’s affected me more than I thought.

i had a F like yours. Thank god he died when I was 20. I was so relieved once he was gone. I had no feelings for him at all.

You’re NC for very good reason, OP. I doubt trying to bring him back into your life now is going to bring you anguish and despair. Protect yourself

Exactly, OP. AYBU for wishing that you could offer your help? No. You’re a caring person, and it sounds like (like hopefully most of us) you’d go out of your way to help someone with terminal illness. It’s only natural that you want to help. And to wish you could have the kind of relationship where you could offer help and have it be appreciated. I’m sorry that you don’t.

It sounds like you’re still suffering from how much he berated you while you were in contact. Please talk to someone about this - I understand that feeling unwanted by a parent can leave a hole that lasts a lifetime, without professional help and support. It’s very hard to heal from trauma, and especially childhood trauma (which is why you made such a good decision to protect your own DC from him).

I think writing this letter could be a very good idea. Get it all out.

Then burn it.

It sounds 100% like your father is still abusive. and would either ignore it, or if he’s well enough, use it as ammunition against you.

I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I think it’s more likely he will put the letter in the bin.

Look at him as a faulty appliance that never worked properly. It’s not the fault of the purchaser if the appliance never worked. No matter how much you tried to polish, dust and look after the appliance it was malfunctioned before it even left the factory and was never going to work for you.

I agree with a pp, write the letter, sit on it for a few days, then throw it away.

Be proud of the fact your children got a good mother despite the hand you were given. That takes a lot of emotional intelligence and a big heart.

That sounds like an excellent idea @Blessedtobehereinthisworld
(Well that’s what I came to suggest anyway)

I hope your own diagnosis isn’t too heavy. But concentrate on yourself, your family, what brings you joy. He isn’t worth the energy you’re giving him.

🫂🫂

I’m so sorry to hear that you have had a diagnosis. Your letter idea sounds great. It is very a very sad time for you and there is enormous grief in your life at the moment.

Take care of yourself, having a parent(s) who on balance were bad parents and fully incorporating that understanding is extremely difficult and painful. It is a living grief.

Don’t send the letter by the way. Protect yourself.

I want to reach out and comfort him, as anyone would, a natural reaction to this kind of news

Sorry, I disagree. If my parents had "always made it clear he doesn’t even like me or love me, very openly so", I wouldn't want to reach out. Or do anything at all.

He sounds abhorrent. That doesn't change because he's going to die at some point soon.

when i decided to cut down someone people warned me about regrets.
nope. My maternal grandmother is dead to me and so is my mums sister. No regrets.

protect yourself @Blessedtobehereinthisworld you wont have any regrets and do not let them trying to make you feel guilty.

stand up tall and proud. You were right to do it i. The first place.

and if you are spiritual, you could always meditate/pray to explain the greater why you are justified in doing.

take care

I'm very sorry to hear that you've had a diagnosis. Sounds like a good idea to write the letter. I suggest you burn or shred it afterwards. Don't let this man poison more of your life.

I had abusive parents . when my Dad died it felt a huge relief to me that the chapter closed if you like . I was no contact with both parents .
i then felt sorry for my mum - I phoned her one day . She hung up on me that was closure for me .

we all have closure in different ways . You do what is right for you not anyone else .

Have you gone on to have healthy relationships with men op?

I grew up listening to my mother say when I die you will be sorry, and now I am staring at this prospect and wondering if she is right, or whether it will set me free. It’s like the living dead when you have a close family member that isn’t part of your life.

You have had a diagnosis
you have young childen
Focus squarely on yourself and THEM

Well he can clearly contact you op
block him

I have yes, eventually after the predictable horrendous choices I made in my younger days.

I took the time to be on my own and recover from it all, and then slowly introduced a man I truly trusted (and quietly tested for 20 years ) and I have a strong and happy marriage.

On the positive side, do you think that when he's gone you might be able to repair your relationship with your mother to some extent?

I have a similar dynamic with my family (also NC), and this is my hope, as although they are both complicit in this estrangement the bulk of the nasty behaviour lies with my dad.

However, they are both still in good health in their late 70s/ early 80s (according to my DC who opted to go and stay with them recently), so there is no guarantee that my dad will go first.

The ONLY reason I could have any contact with him is if I suspected that I didn’t, I’d be cutting myself out of a tasty inheritance.

if that was the case, I’d fake a smile, tell him how I see why he behaved as he did, ensures my inheritance was safe, then whisper in his ear as he passes “go to hell FUCKER!!!”

And surely your husband is telling you “no no no!!”

Well there is hope of that. I can’t really have a relationship with her now as she is always with him. Part of me feels really hurt she has stood by and allowed these two horrendous bullies to harm me, and she hasn’t protected me at all. She doesn’t even challenge the horrible things they say about me.

He supports me with any decision I make, but did draw the line when my father started on our children.