Is this strange or not?

[Sillyjumble]

I should start by saying that I was groomed by a neighbour at 12 years old. To deal with this I have been seeing a specialist counsellor.

Last week I mentioned that my niece (11) is going on holiday alone with her uncle. They have been on lots of holiday together.

My counsellor has said that this is weird. And questioned why a 49 year old single man with no kids wants to go on holiday with an 11 year old (started holidaying together at 7 years old).

Would I be unreasonable to say something, maybe ask my niece questions? I don't want to start a massive argument where ultimately I'll be shunned. I've never had reason to question this, but my counsellor pointed out that this is how children get abused. My head is a mess tonight.

I used to take my nephews on holidays to give my sister a break. There’s a 30 year age difference but I’m not an abuser. I enjoyed their company . I still do!

I don't want to put ideas into my niece's head, so I'm unsure what I should ask her. She's never been afraid of going away or spending time with her uncle. When she stays at mine she will make sure her bedroom door is closed if she's getting dressed etc. I guess DB doesn't want to go away on his own all the time, not sure why he doesn't ask other people, maybe he has.

You shouldn’t ask her anything. He probably enjoys spending time with her. Maybe he doesn’t want to go away with other people - he might like his own company and isn’t desperate to have anyone there with him but takes your niece because he enjoys spending time with her.

If it makes you feel better, all the people I know of who have been convicted of child sex offences fitted your typical model of a normal guy - wife and kids. People would probably have automatically trusted them because they conformed to society’s expectations. Yet they were abusers.

Unless your brother has displayed any signs of being an abuser, I’d leave it well alone.

It isn't. It's like saying we should be frightened of all dogs, including chihuahuas, just because some XL bullies are dangerous.

Is your therapist NHS or private? It's totally unethical what they said to you.

That is weird, I would not be happy about that holiday.

The point was to highlight that it's not that usual?
And focus on the topic at hand

No it's not...I replied to the question 'would you feel the same if it were an aunt?' And the answer is no because the risk profile is different. I never said you have to be scared of all men or anything like that.

For men to enjoy spending time with their own kids?!

The argument that men commit 90% of sexual crimes is an awful precursor to judge men by, as much as the statistic is in itself.

It's just as awful that men get judged because of a factually correct statistic, as the fact of the statistic itself? Maybe men as a whole need to be taking some responsibility for changing this statistic if they don't want to end up in the crosshairs and judged for it.

In 2023, arrest rates for black people were 20 per 1000, and white arrests were 9 per 1000. Would it be socially acceptable to judge all black people based on this, or would it be deemed racist? Or am I just following the stats?

Arrests. What was the conversion rate of these arrests into convictions? Maybe some of these arrests were due to racism from the police. There could be other reasons for more black people being arrested too, such as more likely to live in a socially deprived area with higher levels of crime. Could you apply the same type of explanations for the exceedingly high proportion of men committing sexual crime, or is it an inherent problem with men as a class?

why dont you suggest to your brother that you tag along next time? his reaction would be quite revealing i think - if he is like yeah sure then it would put my mind at rest more than if he immediately was like no, you wont like it, and making excuses.

I didn't look into the arrest rates for those who were socially deprived or not, like I didn't for sexual offences. Are you saying that if an SA is committed by someone who comes from a socially deprived background, it is a justification? Or if they have been subject to sexual assault themselves at a younger age? I know you're not, or sincerely hope not, it's just as obscure as your comment :

'Maybe men as a whole need to be taking some responsibility for changing this statistic if they don't want to end up in the crosshairs and judged for it.'

Maybe black people shouldn't be black - see how stupid that sounds. Guilt by association - This poor bastard has had his whole character called into question by a trained professional; what she said is skirting very close to a defamation case.

Figures suggest that anywhere from 30-75% of people convicted of SA were subject to SA themselves, with the higher percentage being retrospective claims rather than proven through a case history. Again, all depends upon which study you read or which one you want to use to bolster an argument.

Are you seriously whining that the worst thing about men committing over 90% of sex crimes, is that then you might by judged badly by a stranger? Any consideration whatsoever of the impact it has on women and girls, or is it just all about you?

In no way is it about me; it's about this poor guy who has been all but accused of SA against his niece, and a piss poor therapist who has now laid the guilt on her patient if she doesn't question it.

The therapist has a legal duty to report suspected SA, but they have not. The therapist knows this man is going away with a child; they know he has access to a child, but what they've done is plant questions and suspicion in their patient's mind to question it, a patient who is there grieving and reliving herself.

I'm questioning why the majority of posters think it's okay to use the stats of men being by far the main perpetrators of SA, but then refuse to use the same logic to view black people. Because it's racist and using the same agiant all men is Misandry.

I can't see anyone else bringing up the impact it has on women, girls or anyone who is a victim, for that matter, or this being the main focus on the whole topic, that's a whole different discussion and a very valid one.

Get over yourself.
It is weird that an uncle continously takes out his neice from the age of 7 away on holiday and shares a bedroom alone with her.
It is out of the ordinary!
If they were 2 children, I would be less concerned. It's about safeguarding.
Even I as a women wouldn't do that.

And this guy seemingly is a loner, never has freinds that he would take instead, always takes out his niece instead, for the last 4 years!?
Weird!
The very least of what could happen is that the uncle might see his neice who's now going through puberty in various stages of undress.
Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

Most violent crime is intra-racial, for starters, so black-on-black or white-on-white crime, for instance. Whereas sexual abuse is almost entirely men on women and children - also, with at least 98% committed by men that's not just higher criminality, it's almost a total monopoly. I'm not sure you can claim misandry when it's just a fact that men are so much more of a risk. We need to account for risks in life, which in this regard means sometimes needing to look more closely at people or situations we might trust, just to be 100% sure - because if we're wrong, the consequences will be devastating.

Also, men committing sexual crimes against women and children is a privileged population objectifying and using an oppressed population simply for their own sadistic thrills. Black people committing proportionally more (intra-racial) violent crime has a different motivation and dynamic, rooted in both past and current oppression. It doesn't make it any easier for victims, obviously, but it is a relevant factor to note

On top of that it's fairly well proven that arrests and prosecutions are biased by race, with police targeting black people, juries more likely to convict, and sentencing longer. If the same standards were applied to white people, they might have higher criminality too.

I do agree that the therapist behaved unprofessionally, though.

It’s very weird and it’s also very concerning that it has never crossed your mind to play it safe and not allow a 7 year old girl (when the holidays started) to holiday alone with an adult male, family or not. Very concerning!

How do you expect the OP to “allow” her niece to go on holiday (or not)? I certainly have no control over my niece and nephew’s holiday plans!