Is this strange or not?

[Sillyjumble]

I should start by saying that I was groomed by a neighbour at 12 years old. To deal with this I have been seeing a specialist counsellor.

Last week I mentioned that my niece (11) is going on holiday alone with her uncle. They have been on lots of holiday together.

My counsellor has said that this is weird. And questioned why a 49 year old single man with no kids wants to go on holiday with an 11 year old (started holidaying together at 7 years old).

Would I be unreasonable to say something, maybe ask my niece questions? I don't want to start a massive argument where ultimately I'll be shunned. I've never had reason to question this, but my counsellor pointed out that this is how children get abused. My head is a mess tonight.

I agree. Bonkers.

Exactly. Batshit.

You need a new therapist.

The only thing that is weird about this scenario is you are suggesting your brother is potentially a child sex offender. Based on zero evidence.

If my sibling thought this about me because I took her child on holiday I would be absolutely heartbroken and horrified in equal measure.

This is insane. I am extremely close to my siblings, we all spend a lot of time together as a family. As a result, they have a close relationship with my children.
I know my siblings like the back of my hand and would trust them with my children’s lives. There must be some people on here with fucked up families to be suspicious of this. It’s really sad.

ETA no offence to you OP, I think the therapist has been really unprofessional inappropriate in sharing this opinion with you and you’ve been triggered based off your own experiences 💐

@Notchangingnameagain I've never thought this to be fair. He's been taking my niece on holiday for 4 years now, normally twice a year. It was my therapist who suggested this is weird. My mother's friend said it was weird and I defended my brother. I don't want to cause a rift because of my therapist hence me asking other people's opinions.

You’ve talked to yours mother’s friend about this?

Or did she comment of her accord?

Your poor brother. This is insane.

"Personally I've always considered their trips as innocent'

That is OP's gut reaction. Her (not very good therapist) has put some negative burden on her.

She can be vigilant, as we should all be, but the parents seem close to sibling, no other evidence and this seems to have been borne out of the OPs therapist who should be there to deal with her own trauma. Not put these suggestions into her head.

It would primarily be the abusers 'fault', it sounds like you have left over feelings about not being protected enough by your parents.

I was taken on holiday by my grandad, there was no abuse. I love being away with my granddaughter, but because I'm a woman no-one points fingers. My eldest, childfree DD has my grandchildren a lot, her partner often has then alone, seven is the ideal age because they can take themselves to the toilet, change underwear and put them in a washing bag etc. I've (and we've) been lucky that we've had caring, hands-on men in our lives. I'd want to be close enough to my DN that we could chat. Doing crafts and chatting is an ideal situation. "What do you like in school?" "Do you like PE" "what about getting changed", then that leads to " I suppose you get yourself dressed on holiday with Uncle X". "Do you get scared away from home" etc. That prompts if they cuddle in bed etc.

This is what I was going to ask you. If they've been a steady and frequent presence in each other's lives, it makes sense.

I bonded closely with my nieces while they were young. I'm the childfree aunt, was very close to their parents, definitely had no suspect motives!

Your therapist should never have suggested that to you, it's actually sick to put those thoughts in your head about your own brother. He's 49 and probably well aware now that he's missed the boat in having his own children, so maybe taking your niece on these various experiences helps compensate for that. I think, at his age, that sounds much more likely, taking into consideration that you're all close and nobody has ever been suspicious of him before.

It's a tricky one as I have had such warped experiences with men (not relatives tho) that you're right, it puts us on high alert - and yet I would want my brother to take my son on a trip because they would be interested in the same sort of things (hiking etc.) and I trust him completely. But it's different with the same sex. You do start to ask what has a grown man has got in common with an 11yr old girl. Even today I'd feel far more comfortable going away with my Auntie over my Uncle.
Does he have any Nephews that he treats the same?
I don't think it hurts to show an interest in their holidays, asking what she got up to etc. and just see her reaction. There might be some giveaway signs if there was something wrong.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. It's about ensuring nothing ever happens.
And I'm sorry but, how on earth do u think that it's ok for an uncle to take his 11 year old niece away on holiday, and share a bedroom at night?!

Like I'm sorry but all of you are neglectful and strange.
And tbh even with an aunt I would find that a little bit odd, like if they were 2 children? Fair enough but I wouldn't ever send 1 child off alone, children are vulnerable!

I find it so concerning!
Nothing might've happened yet
But maybe it's slow grooming who knows, maybe he's a peeping tom, and that's enough for him, who knows!

No idea but it's just not usual male behaviour is it? I honestly don't get it, go away on a business trip and get lumbered with an 11 year old female neice?!
And to make it worse, this is not an uncle being a nice uncle and taking a a neice out for a day trip, this is an overnight trip!
What the actual h is going on?

How is this sharing a bedroom going to work when she hits puberty?

He might never do any think weird at all, he may enjoy seeing her in various stages of undress, that is very possible considering that he's sleeps in the same room overnight with her, I actually find it unbelievable and ridiculous.

When my own neices come over, if there's only one or 2 of them, they share with my daughter, but more than 2, I get my daughter to share with me and give the neices my daughter's room.

It's weird because he's a man. It's not sexist, it's just that almost all sexual crimes against children are committed by men. I think women personally have a natural instinct to be suspicious of a lone man wanting to hang around a young girl for company. Your therapist is wrong to put this on you and make you feel guilty though.

If something happens, you can pat yourself on the back and say, but not all men are abusers.
I mean how many more red flags do u need?

1. Middle aged man goes on business trips, takes his 11 year old female neice with him for company.
2. The trips are over night.
3. They share a family room at night.

Like, as a female adult I wouldn't even choose to take a child with me on business trips, like how is that even nice?

Not many men even enjoy spending time with kids, even their own, men often run away from responsibility

Tbh I don't envy the position you are in,
But safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.
How do u not see this as a red flag?

I think it's a bit weird for an adult man to want to spend an entire week alone with and sharing a bedroom with an 11 year old girl who is not their own child. An afternoon trip to the theatre, great and lovely, and maybe even a weekend away somewhere that's interesting to both of them, fine. But hanging around with an 11 year old for a whole week, most adults would find that boring and would rather go on holiday with friends, so what is he getting out of it?

If her parents are neglectful with their time she could be very vulnerable to someone paying her attention and being kind to her.

I have a single DB in his 40’s and a DD. I would find it extremely odd if he suggested taking her away on holiday alone. So would she. And I’d definitely, politely, say no thanks.

Couldn't agree more if I tried. Seriously batshit to the extreme.

My grandad used to take me on holidays, just the two of us. Many holidays. We slept in one room, separate beds, obv. I was a firstborn, so he took me alone, later with my brother. He was the best grandad in the world, I loved him so much. Miss him every single day. Nothing untoward ever happened, and if some charlatan of a 'therapist' dared to suggest otherwise, I'd rip her fucking head off.

He passed away, unfortunately. My parents weren't the best, so I'm very close to my brother, always been. He loves my DD, they played together since she was a toddler, he taught her to ride a bike, gifted her her first camera and got her into photography, taught her how to play guitar, many many other things. They're very close and DD is always very happy to see him, is comfortable, chatty and bubbly around him.

We travel a lot, me alone, DD and me, all three of us together, he alone, and them together. They've just been to Japan. I was supposed to go, but something very important came up at the last min. They came back, DD happy as larry, tons of pics, souvenirs, videos, they had a great time.

Wtf is the problem. Some of you need your heads examined, if you see pedophiles around every corner, in your own family even. Not OP, due to her experience. Yes, some men are pedophiles, some family members can be pedophiles. Doesn't mean all of them are, jesus christ. You must have extremely fucked up families if you cannot imagine close, loving, normal relationship between siblings and their children.

Don't get me started with 'tell the school'. But that's prob a British thing, thank god I'm not British. You seem to be unable to live without kowtowing to schools and letting them interfere in every aspect of your lives. So bizarre. They're a teaching institution. Your private lives are absolutely not their fucking business.

Eh? I went a girls' school, half our teachers were men. Only two were a bit ... creepy, and they weren't the ones who took us on field trips & such. Most of our teachers, male and female, enjoyed spending time with kids!

Plus, to state the obvious, there are plenty of enthusiastically involved dads, granddads, brothers and ... some uncles.

My sons are adults and have not had children yet . They regularly take my granddaughter out for the day . She has a fabulous time and I think it’s really sad that people are so suspicious of good intentions.
As a child I spent time with my Uncle’s in Wales without my Mum ,happy times.

Yes, it is strange, and quite unusual. Most men in their forties don't want to spend 24/7 holiday time alone with a 7 to 11-year-old girl. Add into that the fact that he hasn't had a steady adult relationship in 15 years, has no children of his own, and takes no one else on the holidays, and it does set alarm bells ringing.

However, strange and seemingly suspicious doesn't mean that it is nefarious - it could be entirely innocent! That's where your personal knowledge of your brother, and your awareness of your niece's behaviour leading up to/after their holidays comes into play. It's very tricky, as you don't want to run the risk of permanently souring what is actually a positive relationship between your niece and her uncle.

I think probably the best thing to do is foster a close relationship with your niece, and let her know (in generalities, not regarding your brother) that she can always come to you and tell you anything, and you'll believe/support her.

Yes, it is very weird indeed.

You can expect the usual wotaboutdemenz pedo apologists to flood the thread though.