Is this strange or not?

[Sillyjumble]

I should start by saying that I was groomed by a neighbour at 12 years old. To deal with this I have been seeing a specialist counsellor.

Last week I mentioned that my niece (11) is going on holiday alone with her uncle. They have been on lots of holiday together.

My counsellor has said that this is weird. And questioned why a 49 year old single man with no kids wants to go on holiday with an 11 year old (started holidaying together at 7 years old).

Would I be unreasonable to say something, maybe ask my niece questions? I don't want to start a massive argument where ultimately I'll be shunned. I've never had reason to question this, but my counsellor pointed out that this is how children get abused. My head is a mess tonight.

It is unusual but that doesn’t mean it’s automatically suspect.

You say the parents have little time for your niece and she’s an only child. You also say that he’s been closely involved since she was born, and that the niece also goes away to do stuff with her aunts.

Taken in isolation you might question why the uncle is so involved, but when you see the wider picture, it just comes across as an involved, extended family.

Maybe he’s always wanted kids and this is his opportunity to enjoy the best bits.

I also think sharing a family room has been fine so far - I wouldn’t want a 10 yr old in a separate room while overseas. But as she’s approaching puberty he’ll have to start thinking about separate rooms. Hopefully he’s already thought of that for the future.

I think in some families it is common for childless aunts and uncles to take children on holidays with them. I have four adult children, two have partners but are childless by choice. They adore their nieces and nephews though and have taken them on holidays, the same as we have done as grandparents.

It creates treasured memories and gives the parents some relief when they're working and school holidays come around.

I understand your background playing a part in your concerns, but I certainly wouldn't be jumping to conclusions just because a single relative takes a child on holiday.

It is too weird.

Well that says a
lot about the men in your life but all the men in my family and many more I know in my circle of friends and colleagues are very family orientated and enjoy spending time with their children and extended family.

I can see why you're concerned OP but I don't think you can jump to conclusions. I had an uncle who would have me and my siblings stay overnight and we'd have a special day out together the next day. He was very loving and not in the slightest bit creepy and I have nothing but happy, safe memories about these times. A couple of things that I think got us into this habit were that he's a bit older than my mum and we lost my grandpa when we were quite young so he sortof took on this role iyswim. Also he had one child of his own who he became estranged from as his ex wife was utterly bonkers and turned the child against him. He later married another woman and had stepchildren and step grandchildren who all clearly adored him.

I think all you can go by is the 'vibe test'. Talk to niece's parents if concerned and keep everything easy going and open with niece so she feels that she can talk to you

Noway i would let any of my children go away 1on1 with an adult male male, relative or not.

Its strange.

School is a job.
Spending 10 min here and there in family gathering is so short.
My brother spoils my kids for the 5 min he sees them and he takes my son to football.
That's it.
But to take a child on holiday alone?
That's what I call weird

Ewwwwww he takes your son to football??? That’s so WEIRD. Why would he DO that? Maybe report it.

Basically your view about men in general is very worrying and bears little resemblance to reality.

You say school is a job but there are thousands of other jobs that don’t involve spending day in and day out with children. So clearly the people who do it like spending time with children and find it enjoyable.

Open your eyes 🙄
My brother takes my son to football, spends 5 min here and there giving him high 5 🤣
But I can't even imagine why he would take my son on holiday alone!
Maybe when he has kids?
But alone?
I would think that's so strange.
I mean, for what? Couldn't find a freind his own age with his own interests is it?
i wouldn't even take any of my neices or nephews alone lol

And I bet that even you even in 'your circles'
Not 1 man would take their 11 year old neice on holiday alone and sleep in the same bedroom overnight, ask them maybe and find out 🤣
Anything thats out of the ordinary should be suspect!
That's all

Hi OP
i second this. It is not the therapist’s job to put these doubts into your head resulting in you feeling pressured to question your niece and having anxiety about the setup.

I think in this case to trust your instincts will be helpful. If the parents are happy to allow this arrangement then I hope that alleviates any worries you may have; ultimately the responsibility falls on them not you.

I have definitely seen this more with men that women, as you say.

I've been lucky though - my dad and grandads always played loads of games with me, took me out for the day with just them (not on holiday because we didn't have the money). We have always been close, but nothing untoward at all.

My OH really enjoys our two, and loves interacting with them. He's also a primary school teacher and enjoys teaching the kids in his class.

My brother adores his nephews and his own daughter - actually much more than my SIL tbh, who is a very dutiful and loving mother, but isn't interested in doing activities and playing with children in the same way.

My point is that just because some men are disinterested in children, that's by no means all of them; some love being around children as much (or more than) your average woman. Not because they're creeps, but because they find them funny, endearing, interesting or whatever.

Oh come on
No need to bury your head in the sand
Anything out of the ordinary should be suspect.
Taking a child to an hour or 2 of sports is normal behaviour
Taking a niece on overnight trips alone is not.
In this day and age where everything is mad, why live in denial?

In safeguarding we learn to recognise abnormal behaviour.
Hmm, an uncle takes his 9 year old nephew to a football club once a week, safeguarding risk? Low risk
An uncle takes his 11 year old neice on holiday, potentially to another country, alone, and sleeps for several nights in the same bedroom,
Safeguarding risk
Potentially very high

Bet they never took you out alone on holiday and shared the same bedroom overnight?
I don't get it, my point was, men hardly take interest in kids at the best of times. Not that they never do.
I'm trying to highlight, that's its unusual for an uncle to take his neice alone on holiday, and sleep in the same bedroom
That's all

I was replying to your comment that not many men even enjoy spending time with their own kids?! What has all this stuff got to do with that statement you made?

You seem proud that the men in your life have no interest in the children they’re related to. I find that very sad and not normal.

It never came up to go on holiday because we didn't have the money, but honestly if the situation had arisen, I don't think anyone would have thought twice. I did go away with my dad to stay with family a few times, as they lived the other side of the country. Can't remember why mum didn't go - she must have been busy or ill or something.

Tbf, I didn't have any uncles growing up (none by blood, and my Aunties weren't married then).

It is to some extent. I'm sure your stat is correct but I'm also sure that 90% of men do not commit sex crimes against children.

It's actually really sad that we have to think like this. I used to take my nephews away on holiday once a year. I was single and had no kids so I offered to have my brother's kids for a week every year to help out with his and SIL's childcare arrangements. Nobody batted an eyelid as it was just an aunt spending time with her nephews. Sadly I think we have to be alert to these problems. It is a shame for all of the perfectly innocent men that they can't spend time with kids like women do without being accused of being an abuser.

I'm sure your stat is correct but I'm also sure that 90% of men do not commit sex crimes against children

Yes, but no one is saying that. It's like being worried about a neighbour with an XL bully and someone saying "would you feel the same if it were a chihuahua?" I'm not saying this person is definitely doing anything wrong, but the risk profile is different.

More like over 99% of men don’t commit sex crimes against children.

There is such a thing as adults straightforwardly loving children and wanting to treat them and spend time with them. If you are worried about this man and close to your niece you might chat to her about these holidays and see how she seems.

It could be perfectly innocent, a loving uncle spending quality time with his niece but it's also possible that he has nefarious motives. No one here can say for sure which it is. You say it's a twice yearly thing which I'll admit did make me twitch, why so frequently? Why would he use most of his annual leave holidaying alone with his neice? Does he ever go on holiday with anyone else?

And people wonder why the family groups are breaking down. Should I be in fear for taking my niece or nephew out for the day? What about that hug they want to give me?

The argument that men commit 90% of sexual crimes is an awful precursor to judge men by, as much as the statistic is in itself.

In 2023, arrest rates for black people were 20 per 1000, and white arrests were 9 per 1000. Would it be socially acceptable to judge all black people based on this, or would it be deemed racist? Or am I just following the stats?

OP, your past may be having a greater influence on what's running through your head, and this therapist has now planted the seed of doubt. We know nothing about the family dynamic.

Please don’t ask her these leading questions. You have no evidence whatsoever that your brother has done anything wrong. If you want to bring up the holidays then do it very generally and see if she seems happy or if she looks forward to the next one. It’s also important that she knows that she should never keep secrets for grownups and that she should never do anything that makes her uncomfortable - I hope her parents have already had those kind of conversations with her. These should not be brought up at the same time as talking about her holiday. I also think your therapist was hugely unprofessional- this is how false memories are made, false accusations, lives ruined. I would strongly recommend reporting her and finding yourself a different therapist. As for trying to guilt trip you into accusing your brother of being a paedophile with no evidence whatsoever- that’s shocking from a mental health professional

I agree that those questions are awful and at 11, I would have realised exactly what you were trying to insinuate there with your “I guess you get yourself dressed on holiday”. Of course she bloody does, she’s 11 years old. And “do you get scared away from home” is ridiculous again as she is 11, not four.