Is this strange or not?

[Sillyjumble]

I should start by saying that I was groomed by a neighbour at 12 years old. To deal with this I have been seeing a specialist counsellor.

Last week I mentioned that my niece (11) is going on holiday alone with her uncle. They have been on lots of holiday together.

My counsellor has said that this is weird. And questioned why a 49 year old single man with no kids wants to go on holiday with an 11 year old (started holidaying together at 7 years old).

Would I be unreasonable to say something, maybe ask my niece questions? I don't want to start a massive argument where ultimately I'll be shunned. I've never had reason to question this, but my counsellor pointed out that this is how children get abused. My head is a mess tonight.

It's weird, and you know it.

Where are the parents of the child in this though? Isn't it down to them? Rather than you to make sure she is safe? Do you have any reason not to trust their judgement because they must be giving her permission to go with him? Do they seem neglectful?

I would be asking questions....

Why don't you tell her parents that your therapist thought it strange? Or if you don't want them to know you see a therapist, invent a friend who thinks it's strange. My own experience is similar to yours, so I am suspicious of all older male relatives.

Everyone saying it's weird - would you say the same if it was a male child? Or an aunt taking her nephew?

They share a family room. They have been abroad to tourist places and the UK, just doing what everyone else does on holiday, nothing specific.

Niece is an only child. The only way I'd say her parents are neglectful are with their time. She has everything else a child could want.

Leave it to the professionals let her school know and or social services

@ChikinLikin some other people have expressed that they find it weird, but parents think it's ok.

Yeah , look this one of those threads that’s it’s impossible to advise because we’re behind screens, & really you need to know the people involved..
I hope there is nothing sinister going on OP x

My experience is the same as @Peakypolly . Our uncle would take my brother and I and my female on holiday. Sometimes together and sometimes individually. He was single, no kids of his own and just so lovely and caring to us and huge fun too. We would always go to special things - like the switch on of the Blackpool lights or carnival days at the seaside. My husband had a similar set up with an aunt who had much more time for him than his own parents.

He was such a lovely man and we were all bereft when he died.

I do hope all is as lovely as our experience for your niece and her uncle OP. I'm so very sorry you went through what you did.

Over 90% of sex crimes are committed by men, so it's not a useful comparison.

Yes it's weird, and no, I wouldn't say it was weird if it was a middle aged woman (aunt) taking her 11 year old nephew (or niece) somewhere on holiday. You're deluded and naive, if you can't see why people are way more suspicious of a man than they are of a woman in a situation like this. As a pp said, it's a useless comparison! I bet you're the same kind of person who says 'I bet you wouldn't care if your husband was having lunch with a MAN!' when a poster is upset that her husband is taking female colleague to lunch.

@Sillyjumble YANBU at all, and I am sorry for what you've been through. I (fortunately) was not sexually abused as a child, but even I am a bit at this. Why does a middle aged man want to be with a small girl on holiday? I do think it's odd. It's very possible that it's innocent, (and I hope it is,) but even if it is innocent it's still bloody weird.

I don't think that most 7-10 year olds are "travel company". So that would be odd in general. At that age, most kids l are quite dependent. At 11+, girls are almost tweens and their bodies are visibly developing as well. Many would have had their first period. For me that would be odd, most people would first invite a friend or BIL in those circumstances. Unless there's a drip feed where we are told that the holiday is to Disneyland or a theme park and DB feels self-conscious being there on their own. Did he go through similar childhood trauma?

But you ARE pointing the finger by making this post. Imho the therapist is unethical to be making assumptions about someone they dont even know.

Its up to the parents to decide if its OK or not OK

@JediNinja no drip feed, nothing specific about the holidays. No theme parks, just beach holidays or tourist hotspots. I don't think DB was abused as a child. He used to go away on his own a lot and then suddenly started taking niece when she was about 7. He's not a very sociable person and doesn't seem to have had any long term relationships for the past 15 years.

Of course it’s weird. It’s fucking weird. You must speak to the parents and niece.

@dollymylove yes I feel guilty for even asking peoples opinions, believe me.

My dm was 24 when l was born. All her brothers were younger and cool. They taught me to ride a bike, played football etc. But no way would l have been going on holidays alone with any one of them. It just wouldn't have happened. You know teachers cannot be alone with a child and yet these parents are allowing a man..yes a relative..to be on his own for a week with a child. No way! I wonder was your sister also abused and subsequently is not thinking straight. Most abuse is done by relatives.
Not only is it not good for the child but the uncle is being totally unwise as if the little one made an allegation he hasn't a leg to stand on.

If I was the DB and my sister insinuated I was a paedophile that would be it for our relationship. It is possible for people to have close family relationships outside the traditional nuclear family without the adult being a paedophile.

I don't know, you need to judge perhaps with other factors. It could be that DN is not usually taken on holiday so he feels she can benefit from this. Are there any other nephews and nieces? Is she the only one ? Does he offer to take only this particular DN? Do DB play and entertain his nephews and nieces when they are around? Do they all run to him in family gatherings, or avoid him? Do they happily stay alone in the same room if you go to the kitchen or would they follow you?

I think it's very wrong that they share a family room. Someone suggested informing the school and I think that's a good idea.

You are right, people are pointing the finger just because he is male. Or because she is female. I expect any of the other combinations would be considered ok. Which is sad. The only time I would think it was weird is if she has siblings and she is the only one getting these holidays, and she isn't the oldest.

Your therapist sounds awful, please get a new one.

There would be no reason to blame yourself and your therapist shouldn’t be encouraging you to feel guilty about things you have no part in. I’m so sorry OP you don’t deserve it at all.

Just popping on to say I would trust either of my DBs to take my kids away wherever.

This thread is batshit! There is nothing wrong with a man taking a niece or nephew that he's close to away on holiday.

There are countless excellent aunties and uncles out there who 'shock horror' enjoy spending time with their siblings kids, especially if they have none of their own.

Inform the school for fucks sake. I despair of mn sometimes.