To feel a bit (not sure of the word) that some people seem to get everything handed to them on a plate?

[Loveyournails]

I’m not really sure of the word, jealousy, bitterness maybe. Not pleasant I know. But I know several people where money just seems to fall into their hands.

My bil for example. Parents paid him all through university, he didn’t bother getting his first job until he was 35. He’s an only child and no cousins and he is going to inherit several times over. His mother, his father (they’re not together), plus grandparents.

My son’s friend, again and only child in the family. Parents paid him through private education, tutors, uni. He’s at university but doesn’t have to work because his parents give him a generous allowance. He has already been gifted with the money to buy his first house. He’ll eventually be a millionaire through gifted/inherited money.

It’s just the way it is, I get that and of course no inheritance can make up for the loss of a loved one.

Some people just seem to have it so easy.

Married to your sibling

I had a colleague. Never had a mortgage. Decent house. Dad paid. Extension, - Dad paid. Private school for 2 kids - you guessed DP.

To all the people saying its just jealousy and not a good look, that old saying that you should only check your neighbours bowl to make sure they have enough. Well, yes, I partly agree but, that implies poor people should just be happy with their lot of poverty and not question why they have to work so hard for a reward of grinding never ending poverty while others do barely a stroke of work to live a life of luxury and wealth. It's not fair and imo it's right we should be angry and challenge this. If you're doing all the work and get crumbs in your bowl while all the rewards are being piled into your neighbour's bowl, it's right we look in their bowl and want a fairer share.

I think that a lot of the people aren't envious of the wealth per se, but the freedom from the grinding stress of making ends meet. If you are going through that it's sometimes hard to say 'money doesn't buy happiness'. When there is enough for a secure home life happiness can be found in small things.

Feel this with my partner. He has never been in a pennies worth of debt in his life.Other than for his mortgage.And even then his parents gave him a big chunk of money to buy his home with.

When he went to university, his parents paid all of his hall fees and gave him pocket money. He didn't have to work through university or get in any debt. Same for his postgraduate, they paid for all of that, too.

He had some issues at school possibly mildly Autistic and so his parents paid for a private school so he was able to thrive in smaller class sizes and go on to do very well. And he lived with his parents after university for quite some time they only took pocket money off him to cover his portion of food

I was the child of a single parent. It was an absolute shit show. I love my mother but I didn't love the life.She gave me. It was absolute chaos.

By the time I was twelve, she was crying to me about her problems and asking me what she should do about them. She would get furious with me when I was a young teenager for being selfish in wanting to spend time with friends rather than getting straight home from school and helping her sort things out.

He had no money, lived on benefits, never worked. The entire life that I knew her and constantly complained about money. She was capable of working, she just didn't want to.

My twenties and early thirties were completely and utterly written off by high levels of debt. I needed loans for undergrad and postgrad, and I had no family support. And as soon as I was working, she took half my salary off me in rent.

I know that's not unusual for some people.But then to hear my partner go on about how difficult his life has been.I have to say he has no idea how lucky he's been. When he was off, spending his money going on holidays and travelling in his twenties, I had nothing. Was putting essential clothes and underwear on credit cards because I didn't have any money to even cover essentials, once my rent and loan repayments were taken into account.

But life isn't fair.

Also I think miffed is the word you re looking for.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head really with both of your posts.

People talk about being poor and happy, but how poor are we talking about? I grew up with the electricity being cut off regularly because no one could top up the metre, the water got cut off because they were allowed to do that in those days, spent years with no bed to sleep on. Wasn’t even allowed to go to university because I had to get a job to give the money to my parents. I won’t drone on and on about it.

But I find the idea that well off people might have had other struggles so it balances out a bit insulting. Or to say that at least you’re not living in slums in India. This is the UK and it’s not a race to the bottom. You’re also far more likely to suffer from poor mental and physical health as well as abuse/trauma if you’re living in poverty.

I don’t even think I’m envious and I certainly don’t live in poverty now. I don’t blame anyone for passing on their wealth to their children or loved ones. Why wouldn’t they?

I think that people who have never had to worry about very basic needs like a meal or a roof over your head don’t get the sort of fear that it brings.

Honestly it's all very well saying 'comparison is the thief of joy' but frankly no, when you look at some people's lives they never had a chance and while not as bad as that my own has had some truly shit events and aspects that mean it's a very stark choice between trying to make the most of what I have and descending into bitterness. And I won't apologise for the path of bitterness seeming like a wide and easy path to follow when I see what an awful lot of other people have. It's not a path I want to go down, but it'd be easy to.

Rich may not make you happy, but I guarentee being hungry, cold and ill with no end in sight will rapidly remove any chance of happiness. Especially if you have children and you're desperate to get enough to feed them and make sure they aren't bullied for standing out at school.

If someone is really upset and hurt about something that hurt can expand to fill the bandwidth of their awareness. It can't be dismissed.

But yes, it seems that some people get an easy ride in life and others don't, and depending on how extreme the gap is, it can take a lot of effort to count one's own blessings and not grind one's teeth. It's worth making that effort, when you look around and see the nature and unhappiness of the people who don't.

Ah well, such is life. Some people are lucky, others less so. No point getting annoyed by it or feeling envious.

Oh yes I'd forgotten that. The electricity regularly being cut off. I have that too when mum hadn't put money on the key meter. Or having no hot water to wash in and having to boil kettles to wash your hair and wash out of a basin.

When it came to university, I just said I was going. What she couldn't do was stop me. She had no money, therefore I qualified for the maximum loans. I just did it as a way of getting out of that situation.

Have to say university was an eye opener for me, though. There were people there who were pierced off their family holiday was going to be somewhere they had already been. They were adults, and their parents were paying for holidays for them and they were annoyed, they were having to go somewhere that they had already been before.

They were furious at the university kitchens didn't have a dishwasher. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

It was quite a culture shock for me.To be around these people.

I don't know, I think maybe you and I have come off stronger and more resilient than somebody who's had it all fallen into their lap.

I know what you mean. I had an argument with DH about it a few weeks ago and he was very upset. He went to private school but doesn’t believe this gave him a boost in any way. I explained how shoddy my education in an inner city state school was. Most classes were just constantly disrupted by the naughty kids being dealt with, we also rarely had actual teachers and had an endless stream of supplies, kids would set off fire alarms almost daily to disrupt lessons etc. He had a really cushty education with like 15 in a class and never had to worry about supply teachers, it just wasn’t a thing.

Then in his current job, he started as an apprentice so gained a level 3 qualification within 2 years free of charge, then they put him through a degree free of charge and now he’s doing an MBA free of charge. He’s going to be educated to masters level and have probably the most prestigious masters a person can have with zero debt. I have a PhD but I’m in so much debt with SFE as a result, I’m almost certainly never going to repay it.

Other benefits too like he can rely on his family for cash if we’re short, that’s not something I can ever do.

I definitely think that there is a sense of pride when you’ve fought and worked your way up. It also gives you an open mind and understanding imo.

Yep some people have it easy. My exSiL (in Germany) prime example - did a state-funded degree at uni then converted to law which took years. Failed her judicial exams and had to convert to a different type of law. During this time she married my db who was earning well and decided she didn’t really need to put any effort in so she spent his £150k savings on jewellery, shoes and living the high life while she carried on studying until she was 30. She briefly got a part-time job in a law firm and then age 32 got pregnant. Never went back to work.

After her second baby she had an affair with an even wealthier man and left my db to marry him instead. Of course she took her £200k of jewellery with her as a nice nest egg. Her new man pays for everything she could possibly ever want.

Absolutely nothing karmic has happened to her. She’s still totally convinced of her own amazingness and floats through life oblivious to the pain she causes and the immense good fortune she has.

I used to be so jealous of women who could get pregnant at the drop of a hat exactly when they wanted to, as many times as they wanted, while I went through years of IVF and never got pregnant. It seemed so unfair. Now in my 60s DH and I are free of caring responsibilities and having a great retirement and life is great.

Your last 2 sentences sum it up. It's incredibly difficult to escape poverty and abuse. I have, I left at 18 for university thanks to the government policies at the time and being insanely academic enough to get top results in GCSE and A levels despite also working every evening after school and all weekend in retail and as a kitchen porter and every penny went back I to the house. I got my results, I applied for a course and off I went. Without my academic capabilities and ability to work very very hard and probably also a Neurodivergent tendency towards extreme single mindedness I couldn't have done it. Even with all that it was harder. I did a professional course that mostly already wealthy kids do,so all my classmates had an income from home weekly of £50-£100 while I had my loan, a small bursary and I worked in call centres every weekend and all weekend. I studies until midnight and had a gruelling full time course until 5pm and worked 5.30-9. I ate in the subsidised work canteen on my way to work. Often the only meal I'd have that day. I paid my rent and bills and whatnot from 18 onwards.

The disparity shouldn't be as big as it is. My husband and I are in similar boats and our friends all have professional parents. We scrimped for small deposit for our flat, all our friends were gifted deposits and furniture. We knew nothing about financial planning but my husband did an accountancy degree and we learned. But it sets you back on getting started and you've no safety net.

It's not our children's reality, they now have everything we've amassed and are vastly more privileged so we do our best politically to support families and kids still in situations like we grew up in.

Comparison is the thief of joy

your bitterness / frustration/ jealousy serves nothing but to make you feel miserable

going hard at cultivating your sense of joy and happiness with what you have in life is the only route out here

my sister is consumed with resentment (I am in a better position) and yet anyone looking at her (including me) would see a homeowner with a comfortable set up and very well paying job

This is extremely common with only children. I'd say at least 50% of only children I know will eventually become millionaires through inheritance or ongoing financial and personal help throughout their lifetime (eg for starting a business, academic fees etc). It's also a great argument for being one and done.

Only children essentially have 6 adults (2 parents, 4 grandparents) who are first in line to help them at any time. Obviously in some cases, there may be fewer due to circumstances, but having 6 potential adults who have had a lifetime of assets and accrued wealth to be your main benefactors is a huge advantage. Even if only one or two out of the 6 want to help you, it can still make a difference.

Having one child also enables your parents to rejoin the workforce earlier and potentially earn more. There was a study that the highest earning mothers were those who only had one child in their 30s. So statistically, chances are higher that only children have families in better financial shape to begin with.

There are always going to be exceptions obviously, but the most obvious factor is that if you're the only person on that bloodline of your family, then things go to you.

It's normal to feel like this about what you don't (or didn't) have.

It's envy rather than jealously and it's a feeling that makes you feel uncomfortable within yourself, I feel.

You always read on here 'comparison is the thief of joy' and it's true but we are human beings and it's in our DNA as a survival tool to compare ourselves to others. Old Smithy in the next village has a new type of sword, we must make one ourselves or risk invasion and defeat! It's instinctive.

Reads as though this is very present in your life at the moment with your sons friend but I think that does sound quite exceptional. Most families need to ask their children to get a job while at uni to help cover fees and living expenses.

Everyone feels it about different things. I never envy anyone with money. But I do envy people who still have living parents.

The six adults thing, surely that's only children with no cousins?
I know a couple of people like that and they are indeed millionaires. One person I know inherited two farms and has another in the pipeline (she doesn't farm herself and has never worked). Lives in a big house on the farm land, two kids in private school, luxury holidays etc. Husband doesn't farm either, works in insurance or something. The first two farms were inherited tax free (because they're farms) and she's furious about the prospect of inheritance tax on the other when the time comes. She's lovely, I just wish she'd appreciate just how well off she is and how hard others have it.

That’s quite a nasty reply. Very unnecessary.

FYI I’ve actually worked my own way out of poverty and a neglectful childhood and now work in a role helping other children. It doesn’t pay millions but it’s rewarding and I have a comfortable life.

To suggest that there’s no inequality in the UK annd that everyone has the same chances in life is simply untrue.

Me too. First person in my family to go to university. Am grateful to pay it back through tax, except that these days Thatcherism is pretty much the standard and my taxes go to keeping people sick and poor instead of paying other students grants.

It's not nasty, it's true.

No one is saying there's no inequality in the UK, prince George was born as the future King of England with unlimited wealth and privileges- and unlike private income, will never be at risk to lose his fortune,
when kids are born from mothers living in temporary accommodation who can't find a GP or a dentist for basic health.

We know that. It doesn't change that NHS and education are open without proof of income and to anyone.

It is also true that anyone can achieve pretty much anything if they work for it enough - and if not the exact role they wanted, a very close enough one anyone. It's not just about working "hard" but working towards something.

No one is stopping you. Some people are born rich because their parents or grand-parents have worked really hard to have a fortune to pass on to them. No one is stopping you from doing the same for your own children and grand-children? what's stopping you?

They could say it's not fair you couldn't be bother to make them rich, it's not life, it's a choice 😂

That is largely dependent on the individual. It can make some open minded, but others develop the mindset that if they could do it then so can anyone. There’s no hard and fast rule when it comes to people. Personally, I’ve never found more value in the money I earn/earned myself than in the money I was given.

You’ll find ‘soft’ and resilient people in all walks of life. While there may be value found in struggling financially, that doesn’t mean it’s inherently preferable to not having to struggle in the first place.

Don't listen to her.

I know exactly what you mean. As I came from a very impoverished background and managed to work my way out of it.

People like her never understand. As if free schooling and free health care made up for an impoverished childhood.

Life isn't equal. My mum didn't even show the remotest bit of interest in my schooling. She didn't know when I had homework to do. What I needed to do.She didn't support me with it, didn't ask me about it, and this is from primary school. I took responsibility for it myself ada was frequently told off for not having my projects or homework done on time because there was nobody to remind me at primary school.

Head over to the private school threads, where some parents are losing their mind about which private school will give their child a better chance of getting into oxbridge.

It's mind blowing to me that there are parents that showed that much interest in their child's schooling well being and future. My mum only cared about what I could do for her rather than seeing me as an individual.

It's just poles apart, and just because free schools exist doesn't mean opportunities are equal.