To think gentle parenting has made some kids unbearable to be around?

[KindButFirmFox]

Boundaries aren’t oppression.
Sometimes “gentle” just looks like “ineffective”.

AIBU to think balance has been lost between empathy and discipline?

Gentle parenting is listening to their feelings, ensuring their needs are met and not unduly punishing. It's literally ALL about boundaries and age appropriate behaviour and understanding.

No different to just... parenting then. Filling their needs, setting boundaries and understanding them.

Doesn't need a label beyond "being a parent"

Poor kids if you have any.

Picking up a child having a screaming tantrum in a supermarket and taking them outside is assault. And battery. And unlawful imprisonment. If you want to get all legal.

These same children will then be incorrectly labelled as ADD/autistic/whatever by the parents who can’t face up to what they’ve created. Feel sorry for these kids who are ultimately being failed by their pathetic parents.

*just to add I’m not necessarily talking about genuine gentle parenting, I’m talking about the examples given, which really is permissive parenting (with deluded parents again incorrectly labelling their parenting style as “gentle”)

Just sounds like good parenting to me. I am the same. I don’t shout and I follow through on warnings. I don’t think of it as gentle parenting though.

As a teacher, the gentle parenting brigade are causing so much grief. First of all their kids don't cope when they are simply told no, we have to justify everything to them. A teacher has zero time to have the type of conversation this kids seem to require at home.

When their behaviour is and addressed, they are always incredibly affronted. They seem to think they can do whatever they want and the only consequence will be a chat about their behaviour. They do not respond well to simple bad behavior / immediate consequence situations.

Then we have the parents who obviously do have the time to listen to every detail of their child's heavily edited grievance and show the teachers exactly zero grace they show their kids. We have them marching in telling us what 'actually happened' and thar DC was in tears and didn't even want to come into school they were so upset by the injustice. Even when presented with actually evidence that their child did do something nasty to another child they will have a problem with how their child was disciplined as It's not what they do at home. And they are all behaviour management t experts because they manage their relationship children at home without ever having to use such consequences. It's absolutely fucking exhausting.

You're being really silly. What I describe is reasonable chastisement under very specific conditions with not much force.

And no, I don't have kids and am past that age. But I'm quite sure that if I did have them, I'd have been a perfect parent! 😂

Huh? I'm quite sure that's not true.

In fact, UK law does allow for reasonable corporal punishment. I'm sure that most people try to avoid it, but I can see a short sharp smack on the bum coming in handy if your kid is really naughty.

Ugh gentle parenting is just about respecting the humanity of a child. I see so many parents take their out on their kids. Speak so rudely to them. Honestly you'd never speak to someone you cared about this way.

Example:

"Can I have a snack?"

"No! Stop asking. I'm making dinner. Go away I'm busy!"

or

"Of course you can. But it's 5 minutes to dinner so you can have it afterwards".

I wouldn’t call gentle parenting lazy - after all, you need to deliver well thought through arguments about pros and cons of things about 50 times a day. Or 100. I doubt even very accomplished philosophers would be able to do it effortlessly. I am not in the gentle parenting brigade, although I overhear some useful things (what’s wrong with reminding kids to be kind with their hands, for example - and there were a couple of other things in this thread).

Gentle parenting (and attachment parenting for that matter) put a huge burden on parents, and I’m reading that scientists are not sure that gentle parenting is developmentally appropriate.

Oooh, I like that second response. Sneaky!

I watched a 'gentle' parent today indulgently smile as their kid picked up, scrunched up and dropped on the floor a load of pen packets in a shop.

I picked them up and told her it might be best to let staff know all the packets were now opened so might want to take a look at them

She glared and walked off. Could tell she was about to tell me to fuck off but obviously wouldn't have been very gentle 😂

I took them over to a staff member and they said it happens daily. Parents just not giving a shit what their kids are wrecking

In same shop say a toddler about 3yrs pick a massive glass vase up to show his mum.. She smiled and said of that's nice sweetie now pop it back which he showd on the shelf. It was mms away from sliding off and smashing

Bet if it had she'd have made out it wasn't her or he was 'too young to know'

And yes... I was in tk maxx.. Where else could you buy pens and a vase next to each other 😂😂😂

Well if that's true, I was a gentle parent. Never hit or shouted at my kids but was quiet strict. I would never describe it as gentle parenting though, I just didn't hit my kids, most people don't hit their kids surely?

It’s not true in the sense that a parent wouldn’t be prosecuted for it, any more than a parent would be prosecuted for smacking a child, because it’s a lawful use of mild force on a child.

But the fervent anti-smackers always cite the law of assault without bothering to think how the allow actually works. They say, “you couldn’t assault an adult”. True. But you couldn’t drag an adult out of a supermarket and carry them to your car either.

It’s all different in the context of children.

Yes I agree. Kids need discipline. Sometimes you have to be firm. Parenting is all about balance. We need to teach our kids the best we know to cope in this world when they grow up. Some kids are let off with so much that it makes them entitled. I’m not judging anyone because parenting is hard regardless

But that was probably before EVERYTHING had to have a label I expect?

To announce that you were "parenting your children" would have met with some odd looks when mine were young.

Now people can announce they "gentle parent" and seem to just not see the raised eyes to heaven from the other parents/ teachers/ relatives that know they are the ones that will be paying the price, not the lazy parents

I do think the talking and reasoning approach is a waste of time until a child is 7-8.
Younger children are not developmentally aware about emotions etc apart from themselves.
Firm rules and consequences are the only way to go .
My children were very sure about my tone of voice when they had gone too far .
They knew that bad behaviour had consequences ie toys being taken away, no days out ,friends to play etc .
Parents need to be consistent and absolutely nothing wrong with angry voice to get them to pay attention, shouting not necessary.
My children are adults now and I have a great relationship with them all
Edited to say .
The word boundaries was never in my vocabulary…find it a strange expression TBH
Thought it was a word for measuring land 🤦‍♀️

Hats off to you. I honestly don't know how you ( and plenty of others ) manage to teach at all.
What a mess.

Spitting for one.

The talking endlessly is what baffles me. On the one hand it's all about age appropriate expectations and yet on the other hand it's about long winded speeches and psychobabble to toddlers.

If anyone would like to form an informed opinion on what gentle parenting set out to be, please read The Gentle Parenting Book by Sarah Ockwell Smith. You might be surprised that gentle parenting is all about boundaries. And it might also align with how you are parenting even if you don't think you are a "gentle parent".

Personally I have found it very helpful in raising my 2, very different, children. All I knew about parenting before having my own children was that I didn't want to parent like my parents parented me so I had to find a different foundation to build my parenting on. And it's been really effective in that respect.

I'm not concerned that there is no empirical evidence for it. I've not looked at that evidence although now a little intrigued as to what outcomes they measured. It felt like a good fit for my family, still feels like a good fit and is effective for us. The only evidence I need is 2 overall happy kids (obviously not always grinning ear to ear when said boundaries are applied) who are well liked by others and trying their best.

💯 DS is 16 and spat at me the other day and this is 100% a result of my permissiveness. I have friends with children under 10 who'd never dare to shout at their parents let alone spit. Gentle parenting doesnt work

Yes it’s so awkward to be around. I get it in the privacy of your own home but hate it when I am forced to be the audience.

It’s the hocus-pocus of talk, counselling and therapy that’s taken over the western world.

The suggestible think that because there’s a proper place for it among adults in certain situations, in the hands of professionals, it must be good in all circumstances. There’s an entire industry of books written by blatherers about talking psychobabble to children.

It’s a complete load of rubbish.

That's LITERALLY what gentle parenting is! We offer kids solutions rather than just being annoyed at them for asking. Weren't you the one complaining we can't hit them?