AIBU to not let Y7 DD walk home in the dark?

[Floorfeelslikelava]

DD has over the last 6 months started walking home from school (with friends). She’s sensible and whilst it’s light, I’m comfortable that this is a perfectly age-appropriate thing to do.

Now that the clocks have gone back, however, I am reluctant to let her walk home in the dark. She usually finishes school clubs at 5.30. Whilst it’s only actually about ten minutes’ walk, it’s down a very dark, quiet side street and there are stretches which are pretty much pitch black. Her friends are still doing it, and DH thinks it’s fine, but I feel very uncomfortable about the idea. I was attacked in my 20s so I’m not sure whether my view is unreasonable. Would you be letting your Y7 DD walk home in the dark under these circumstances?

I both agree and disagree with you.

I think part of the parenting burden is teaching your children to cope in less ideal scenarios. My view is that we can't shield them from these forever, so we have to teach them how to act/react. And on that basis, I'm all for your point about reclaiming the streets with the appropriate risk mitigation (as you mentioned earlier I think).

I'm also conscious that between about 9-14 there's a huge variety on what children CAN cope with, depending on the child and, frankly, the way that child has been brought up.

So I have not hidden from my DC that when they are out and about, there IS a risk of inappropriate behaviour from people who are older than them. I can't protect them from that forever so I'm not even going to try. But DD is 10 and while she's allowed to go to the park with friends, she has to be home before 5 because, around here, that's when the parks all empty out, families disappear etc, and I don't think she's in aposition to do proper risk assessment or protection if less desireable types turn up. I also have made it clear to her that if in doubt, it's okay to run away or scream or shout at an adult to attract attention from other adults.

DS had a bad experience in a skate park aged 12 and we all agree (even him, FINALLY) that part of the problem was that we allowed ourselves to be covinced by him it was okay to go to the park at that time of day by himself and that he had the skills to cope - it was light but between 5-6 pm. As it turns out, it was not (which I had known really, but....it's a huge regret for me). Now, he goes to that skate park regularly but almost always with friends and never outside of the "busy" times when the area is filled with families in the play area, people exercising etc. And he accepts thats a good risk mitigator.

Lol! Yes - I consider it my job to ensure my DC will be able to function as independent adults, which involves gradually giving more and more freedom and responsibility.

Why would you think an NT 13/14 year old wouldn't have other kids laughing at them for not being allowed to cross a road alone with mummy?

In today's climate i would want a year 7 to walk with friends, not alone. Its not just the thought of a man with murderous intent, you also have to take into consideration the behaviour of some teenagers nowadays that hang round the streets in gangs looking for trouble.
Its not babying, its good sense

Fast? No just normal. Hasn't stopped her wandering around the worl solo

I'm sure they would be it was your nasty, "rightly so" comment that makes you sound immature

She did walk around in school uniform though obviously. When she was at school. Its not as though she's shrunk as she's got older lol

I think there is, as ever, on these thread a conflation of what "should" be, and what "Is".

An example: I grew up in India. Absolutely, as a young girl I "should" have been able to exactly what young boys of my age were doing. So - I "should" have been able to roam around in small shorts and a fairly light tee on my streets on hot Indian summers - or pop to the local shops to buy some veg at 7 pm or whatever. I "should" have been allowed, just like my male cousins to come home by myself at 9 pm as a teenager from some maths tuition on a rickshaw or an auto. The reality on the streets were slightly different though - and I am very grateful that certain choices were made which enabled me to make it through - with just a scattering of incidents of mild sexual harrassment.

UK isn't India - so my example is not a substantial comparison. My point is about this logic of "should". Should we be having to debate whether pre-teen girls are perfectly safe walking in the UK in the dark? No. Should we be having to pick up teen girls/babysitters/nieces when we wouldnt necessarily boys or men? No. Of course not. Predators, and largely male predators should absolutely leave girls alone. 100 per cent.

And yet, as parents, we make the choices we do. My choice - and white/UK-born-and-bred DH's choice in this case would be to give both DS and DD a lift home.

I think some people have got so used to driving everywhere they have most perspective of what is normal. A 10 minute walk isn't far. Children have been doing a lot further walk home from school for decades.

The sad truth is the biggest danger is their mobile phone. The best thing you could do is teach them that the mobile stays in their pocket while out walking. Living near a school I've lost count of how many have walked out into traffic as their face is glued into their phone. They need to be aware of their surroundings.

I was flashed by a grown man walking home from school when I was in year seven. I’d been at an afterschool club, it was about 5pm in the winter and dark. I lived about 3 minutes away from the school, down a well lit main road.

I would pick her up unless there’s a group of them that can walk together. Obviously not the worst case scenario but it was scary and I won’t walk around in the dark alone now if I can help it.

But she's a woman in her forties, a 12 year old girl is going to be more vulnerable and a very small woman is not the same, even one who is UK size 6! She's been around the world, good for her, as an adult travelling on your own is not exactly a radical idea. You do realise that not evry attack is reported in the news don't you. The girl I know of in a school uniform who had to run to a house for safety is far more likely to have been chosen for youthful appearance and vulnerability than someone who was in their 40s even if they are the height of a child!

But surely you myst see that she was a 12 year old girl before being a grown woman.

She still walked from school

It's zero to do with driving, as a family we walk everywhere or the train for commuting, we do have a car but it's not used regularly as we live in a City. At an irregular time like 5.30 in the dark on lonely roads at 11/12 I would definitely have met both of mine on foot but maybe more like half way if they were on the phone.

What is your point?

Eh? Just because nothing happened to her does not mean every other child is safe? We have zero knowledge of what her route was like, who she walked with, what area she lived in thirty years ago. It’s just a nonsense comparison.

I could tell you I never once wore a seat belt at 12 thirty years ago and nothing happened to me, but it’s naff all of an argument about whether you should let your own child do the same. “Someone else did it years ago and nothing happened” is hardly a balanced risk assessment, is it?

We were flashed by a serial flasher at 3:30 on a busy pedestrian path that went under a railway line. To th epoint that the school got the police involved.

Flashers are flashers. They prefer light actually. there was one in our neighbourhood a few years ago - it was light so turned out loads of CCTV footage that was subsequently all over social media.

Shitty part of east London lol.

Point was that a PP pointed out her kid is a risk for being small and 12. Yet everyone saying my little sister is an adult and can cope. But sis was 12 and small once . So why would the pp posters kid have been more at risk

She's only two or three inches shorter than me. I'm not entirely sure that size is remotely relevant here for that reason.

If it's that dangerous in the area, do something about it rather than deciding that it's not safe and giving the message that girls can't have freedom.

The OP is asking if they should or should not pick up at that time. If it's an option then they aren't restricted by their work or anything else so I think if you have the opportunity to do so I would. Of course, not everyone can make that choice but my Mum would have done the same and I was a teenager in the 90s! Just because you or your sister weren't collected it doesn't equate to the wrong decision.

I would have met my DS at 5.30 on lonely roads at 12 because he was still a child. It has had zero impact on his confidence to go out late at night. Equally, my 15 year old DD will often go to friends' houses after school but I certainly don't think she should be walking via the woods home, she should stick to the main road.

An open invitation for what exactly?

Now children aren’t more vulnerable than adults because of their comparative smaller size? Before getting into being smaller and less experienced in life with less good risk assessment? Why don’t we let them all out wandering around the streets well into the night, then?

Sure, I’ve heard it all now. Do you know, it’s amazing to me how some posters will end up arguing the silliest of things just because they are drawn into it on here. We know perfectly well that children, girls and women are more at risk. The fact that in the vast majority of cases they are fine does not mean they are always fine, nor that they are therefore not more vulnerable.

If you think women and girls shouldn’t be afraid to walk alone, then great, we ALL agree. Please take it up with the people, overwhelmingly men, who make this less possible, not the mothers of twelve year old girls. What are they meant to do to make it less safe? Close down all porn and install CCTV on all street corners?

Not only did my DD get approached by a man, the police didn’t follow it up, but later that year a paedophile (completely unrelated to my DD’s experience) was arrested two streets away for trying to meet twelve year old girls online. I have former colleagues who have been banged up for child porn offences and there’s a steady stream of men in my (affluent and relatively safe) city being arrested every day for child abuse offences. Why don’t you argue the toss with them, rather than mothers on here who want to make sure their twelve year old CHILDREN are safe walking home in the dark?

Yes, I agree!

Yes! I am trying to find my post to respond to a comment. I thought the child was age 7 now I realise older but unsure of age

At an irregular time like 5.30 .....

What's irregular about 5.30? A large number of people are on their way home then. The streets can be much quieter in early afternoon, before schools come out.

I didn't phrase that well, I meant an 'irregular' time to leave school. I agree, they can be and if my DC had appointments early afternoon because of where their school is positioned i.e. not near a main road, at 12 I would have equally collected them. The OP posted the following description,
"it’s down a very dark, quiet side street and there are stretches which are pretty much pitch black." that description doesn't appear to allude to your idea of a "large number of people" being around.