AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

No idea why you'd even think of trying cbt for this, there's no way it would help with his phobia.

I have never seen people catering to specifics towards their friend.Either you can do go just as you are and enjoy their home environment, either stay home...that is their logic apparently

YABU here.
If you want to host, you host.
If others want to host, they host.

People don’t go around saying, “hey we’re having a gathering with fireworks on Saturday for Sam’s birthday, but can we do it at your place because of our dogs?”. That would be considered very rude (and I’m sure would lead to posts here about how entitled people the hosts are feeling). It would also be rude for you to say “hey thank you for the invite to Sam’s birthday party, but as Rob is afraid of dogs, let’s have Sam’s birthday party at our house!”.

It’s on you to invite friends round to your house.
I can understand your son not being invited round if people know he’s very afraid of dogs, as they know he won’t come anyway, or will be very afraid /upset.

My son had 2 best friends. Me and his dad are very close with one set of parents (known for 20 years), the others it's very strained.
We do go out with all the kids, but sometimes not. We go on holiday with one, but no way would go with the other. It's nothing to do with excluding the kid, it's more of a meet up for the parents with the kids tagging along.
Maybe it's like that, the parents are good mates?

Not an unreasonable fear at that age. Teach him proper strategies for meeting dogs he comes across unexpectedly. Invite his friends to you instead. Be patient.
I also think you're going about it the wrong way. You're trying to cure him of a sound and logical fear. He's clearly not stupid. You instead need to teach him strategies like I said and that being scared is allowed. He may get better at dealing with dogs as he becomes older but don't tell him he's the problem because he isn't.
My boy grew out of it.
I still have a fear of heights and don't feel like I need to be cured either.

My Eldest was terrified of dogs when younger, due to irresponsible owners (before any jumps on me, yes they were, DC was attacked with no provocation on their part).

Two things helped:

1. We moved to a village, which had many lovely dog owners, who always had their dogs under control eg didn't allow them to run up to small children, jump up at, or bite. This went a long way to making DC more confident walking down the same road as a dog - we could then move on to coping in closer quarters.

1. I organised a small group session with a person from the Dogs Trust, as someone on MN at the time had mentioned they run these. DC learnt lots, including how to read dog behaviour and how you should react if you feel under threat by a dog. The session was excellent. They did come back for a second session, to introduce a dog in controlled conditions, but unfortunately DC and I were away.

DC is now a young adult, and adores dogs. Will usually ask owners if they can pet/admire their dogs when passing, and plans to get their own in future. A lot of work went in to it though.

Re friends, we've never asked anyone to put their dog in another room unless it was a) very active and b) we were literally in and out of their home, not having a proper visit. If we wanted to hang out we'd go somewhere neutral, as wouldn't have felt it was fair on the dog.

If your DS is able to, and the dog is under control, he might feel able to go on a walk with his friends and dog at a later point. There's no point forcing him, or trying to 'jolly him out of it', as it could make it harder for him long term.

Sometimes people get terribly offended if you don't absolutely love their dog like they do, some see it as a personal slight and they chalk you down as being difficult. That's their prerogative and there's not much you can do about it.

You could however hold your own parties and events and invite them over to yours instead? That way you get to control the environment and your son doesn't get left out.

I don’t extend invites to my home for dog phobic people, child or adult.

Dog owners are inherently selfish. Once you accept that you can then act accordingly

Selfish because they have a dog in THEIR OWN HOME? lol what?

Yes, how dare those selfish bastards have things they like in their own homes when people who live in other homes dont like the things they have in their homes.

So damn selfish of them! We should all make our homes the way other people who do not live with us want them! 😂

But the examples you give they wouldn't want at your house. Being their birthday party they would want it at their house with their family members also able to attend. They thought of the idea to host a fireworks party at their house, they probably want other guests there too such as friends of their own and family, who they could not invite to yours. Also they wouldn't want to be standing outside all night, just for the display, so couldn't invite your son as the dogs live there.

It is sad for your son. But you can't expect others to never be able to host at their house and include their own friends and family because he has a fear.

You say they come if you invite them over. I dont think you can expect more than this from them

It's possible that the children's parents are the ones uneasy about inviting your son. Perhaps they think he might accuse one of the dogs of biting him, or get hysterical if one jumps up on him. Thus resulting in you taking legal action or whatever.

I’d be very uneasy. I won’t subject my dogs to terrified young children - they are unpredictable and scary for a dog. Which means they in turn might not behave as I would normally expect
Far safer not to have the two mix

we aren’t even aware that plans are being made,

Why would you be?

a peanut allergy is life threatening and she can't help having it.
There is plenty that can be done about a phobia. But OP has given up and expects others to dance around her.

Yes, that's pretty much my thinking.

Exactly this happened when my BIL and SIL brought an adult with a dog phobia to a party here years ago. Another guest went to the bathroom, heard the dogs barking and decided they needed to be let out of the bedroom, where I'd (reluctantly) shut them away. Of course, the dogs legged it downstairs before you could say "knife" and found ia houseful of people, and food, and all sorts of excitement.

It was absolute fucking mayhem: two lively terriers trying to greet everyone who'd rocked up at their house while the dog phobic person was having a complete meltdown. Then some bright spark thought that the obvious thing to do was open the front door and let the dogs out into the street...

Same here. It's just too stressful all around and if the dog senses that I'm stressed then he will just get even more stressed which will freak the kid out even more. It's just not going to work. Same with locking the dog out it in the garden och lock it away in a room somewhere. A dog that is used to being part of the fun of family life is going to feel like it's being punished by being locked away like that for hours on end and it will disturb everyone. It's just not reasonable to think that someone should have to make such adjustments in their own home just to have someone over occasionally,

But they know your son wouldn’t go so what’s the point in telling you about the plans?

No you don’t medicate a 7 year old for a dog phobia … that’s beyond ridiculous.

What do you think cbt is exactly?

it’s exactly the right treatment approach for phobias:

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/phobias/treatment/

OP, they don't invite your DS because he can't cope with the dogs, that's all. They just want to relax & enjoy their evening which they wouldn't be able to do if your son was there & it's safer all round with dogs if there's no tension. That's all there is to it, it's one of those things, they have dogs they love, your DS is afraid of them so they don't mix. Plans were made because they wanted to be in their own home, why shouldn't they? You say you do host sometimes and that's great but you just have to accept that's all you can do.

Definitely this! I have cats and foster kittens so obviously my friends who are allergic don't come over & I don't invite them over - if they were scared of cats it would be the same 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't invite over a 7 year old either who was terrified of dogs if I had dogs

Yep- same here. I have a small gentle meek dog that looks like a small teddy. I am not subjecting her to someone who acts like her licking your arm or gently giving you her paw or fetching you her prized squeaky toy as a gift is some kind of vicious "attack" monster involving hysterical "dont touch meeeeee!" reactions.

This is her home. She lives here and she is loved. If you go to someone's home then you respect their presence or you dont come. Pretty simple really. I would not go to someone's home and insist they hide away things I am not comfortable with. How rude is that?

We have multiple cats, they are members of our family, if someone was allergic to them or scared of them and didn’t want to come to our house for events as a result, I wouldn’t be offended and would totally understand. But I also wouldn’t arrange a separate event in order to not offend the person who doesn’t like my cats. Sorry OP.

It’s not down to them to say he I want to make plans for this and then you take over hosting.

If you want to do a fireworks get together you just host it, if you want to have a bbq afternoon just host it.

They likely think they are being kind not inviting him as he won’t be able to attend as they clearly have no desire for the dogs to not be part of their events.