AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

I think one can’t be 100% sure that dogs are the issue here. It may just be that those 2 boys and their families are closer. But I can understand why they don’t want to have to shut their dogs away every time he comes.

Perhaps this could be a catalyst to encourage DS to determine to get over his phobia, now he sees how much it can affect his life.

Proper phobia therapy might be more effective than CBT.

😂

I recommend trying hypnotherapy, it can be very good for working with phobias.

Also, watch some movies with dogs - Homeward Bound, Milo & Otis, Bolt, Benji (on Netflix), Lady and The Tramp, that show on C4 about families finding their rescue dog. Knowledge is power, unfamiliarity is scary.

I feel so sorry for children (and adults) who are frightened of dogs, it’s such a shame. I always tell kids who shrink away and are visibly scared by my dog to act as if they aren’t scared as dogs pick up on this. My old dog loved to woof at people who were frightened of him, he loved the power trip! But if they were confident and at ease, he’d be friendly.

I hope you manage to ease your son’s anxiety and he gets past this.

It's a tricky one.. I think they probably should ask him but I understand why they don't as they know he won't be able to attend and it might feel like it's rubbing it in a little. Maybe they hope that he won't find out about these parties and are trying to be kind.
I think you'll just have to host loads of play dates etc at your house as well and continue working with him as it absolutely will curtail his social life as he gets a bit older.

Dog owners can be as selfish as they want in their own home... 😉

Yes but then everyone likely to go inside for burgers. It's tricky.

So are you suggesting that every time the friendship group want to do something they say

"Hi UnicornDust20, we were planning to have a get together this weekend but we know you cant be included because of the dogs so would you like to host?"

I assume from the fact your son hasn't been invited that there has been a previous instance where he has either declined to go to their house or he has been and has been very uncomfortable due to the dogs. The owners have decided that it is easier not to invite your son to their house, you cant expect them to limit their plans because of that.

Yeah this is the crux of it.

It’s tricky but we do the same. I admit I breathe a sigh of relief when DC make friends with kids who have or like dogs because we can relax more when we host them. For play dates I can keep DDog away but for sleepovers and longer events it’s an added stress so I’d always rather they invite friends where it’s not an issue.

When I was small ( and even big so small) friends would put their dogs into another room/ the garden whatever as they knew ( following an attack) that I was not happy with dogs

thw world has changed so much it seems

Not helpful but my parents solved the problem of fear of dogs with my younger brother by getting a dog........brother was fine with dogs after that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I guess it depends on the reaction your child has around dogs, and why he isn't being invited. If your child is so afraid that they will be too upset to enjoy the play date if the dog comes near them, then that's a problem for everyone there; and I can see why the other parents think it's best not to risk it. If your child is calm and won't let minor interactions with a dog stop them from getting on with the play date, then that's easier for everyone to manage.

We have had similar, in that one of a small group is terrified of dogs and their best friend has a big, excitable, jumpy dog. The child doesn't want to stop seeing their friends, so will go places where the dog is, but keeps their distance from the dog, and the other parent is very good at keeping the dog on a lead in public. If at home, the dog isn't allowed in the bedrooms anyway, which is where the kids tend to play, so it isn't an issue. Where they do happen to be in the same room, the child stands still, rather than panicking, if the dog jumps on them (wanting to play), and waits for an adult to distract the dog. As soon as the dog has been moved, the kid is happy to keep playing.

Of course, it could be that being a trio of friends is a difficult dynamic and, at some points, two will be better friends with each other than all three together. It may be that although your child likes both their friends equally, the other two feel slightly closer/have move in common and therefore see each other more frequently. I'd just continue inviting both of your child's friends out/to your house, if you want all three to play together.

As a long term but sadly no longer dog owner I cannot see why people don’t, if they possibly can, make arrangements for children who are afraid of dogs. Mine used to go to visit a neighbour when a frightened child came round. But I have no patience with many dog owners. I still remember my DS (he wasn’t afraid of dogs-he was born into a home with one) being knocked over onto a stone floor by a friend’s bouncing GR- and her saying “Oh, she’s not used to unstable two legged puppies”

CBT is the recommended treatment for phobias and should include graded exposure including in vivo exposure plus cognitive interventions.

it can be hard to engage in if the person is not fully committed and I imagine a lot of 7 year olds would struggle.

would it be worth another try?

Even if these friends invited your son, he wouldn't go because he's frightened of their dogs. I suspect the parents, don't ask because they already know the answer. If you want your son to maintain these friendships, then you are going to have to invite these children to your house. You can't expect or control what other people do in their own home. It's not your son's friends or parents responsibility to manage your son's phobia. I know it's hard, my son developed a phobia of dogs after being barked at one when we were in Spain, when he was 2. The dog was under a chair, on a lead but as soon as he saw my son walk into the restaurant with me, he started barking. Up to that point my son had been fine about dogs, but afterwards, he'd actively try to avoid them. I started to refuse to cross the road if a dog was coming, and would put myself between the dog and him, whilst giving him lots of reassurance. Gradually, he overcame the fear and is now much better, although he prefers smaller dogs than larger breeds. The dog that barked at him was a German Shepherd, so a big dog, especially to a 2 year old.

Maybe they just don't want to deal with it. Its a pain in the arse having to keep a constant watch on where your dog is while trying to host, because someone has a fear of them. If you don't expect them to put the dog away, what do you expect? What's the solution so your son won't be scared?

If you want to host, you make the plans. It's unreasonable to expect them to run every event by you just in case you want to host it yourself, then presumably have to pay someone to look after their dog while they're at yours. That's a lot of inconvenience and pandering for the sake of one child. I'd just not invite you, it's easier.

Having a fear of dogs is going to limit his social life, as people who have them just won't invite him to things.

To have tried CBT and other methods on a 7 year old suggests that he is more than fearful of dogs.

I’d be worried that a child with that severe a fear would be so over reactive to seeing my dog that they would run, scream or act in a manner that my dog thought was a game which would just result in a wound up dog and boy in an even worse situation. It’s also exactly the sort of situation that some dogs end up nipping or biting and a dog owner has a duty of care to keep their pet out of that kind of situation.

Some dogs can’t be locked away for hours at a time for various reasons. I think YABU to expect others to accomodate your child’s fear of dogs at their dogs’ home. You host at your house which is great and perhaps you can also arrange some neutral meet up points as well.

Perhaps CBT and other methods weren’t the right ones for your child. Have you looked at play therapy or similar? I doubt your child is going to grow out of this soon or the mental health damage being excluded because of it is causing.

I feel fortunate that I believe the dog owning parents of my sons' best friends would have mostly accommodated his phobia so the boys could still play e.g put the dogs inside for a firework display and prioritise all the children at a Birthday party rather than put the dogs before one of my child's friends.

But I'm one of those people who are getting fed up of dogs being everywhere - London marathon, cafes, licking your hand while you're in a shop in a busy city centre.

She didn’t work there. There were no signs saying no dogs.
I always ask if I can take my dog inside a shop unless there is a dog friendly sign, if they’re not allowed we won’t go in.Even if there is a dog friendly sign I won’t go in if it’s busy.

What’s he actually like around dogs OP, and have these friends witnessed it?

If only it were restricted to their own homes.

I think they were correct in not inviting him.
It would be distressing for your son and stressful for them as they would be worried about shutting their dogs away or their behaviour.

I have a dog phobia, I always have. I’m fine around small , or medium welll
behaved dogs. Anything large and jumpy is a no go.
It stems from an excitable large dog jumping at me and knocking me over as a child.
One of my best school friend had a Rottweiler. I went to her house, but I hated it, I was on edge and friends occasionally took the mick of me for it.
I made excuses not to go eventually.
I was so so much happier meeting my friend out and about rather than go to her house with the dog. We remained friends.
Do this … make suggestions to host or do something out of the house with DS friends so he can still see them.

I would ask yourself what has happened previously for them to exclude your son?
Have you declined invites because of the dogs?
Have you requested they shut the dogs away because your son is scared of them?
Has your son become hysterical screaming and trying to run away from the dogs?

Because any one of those would explain why he’s not been included. They are hosting at their home where their pets live. If your son is terrified of their pets then he can’t visit.
It’s hard for you both. But that’s the bottom line really

I feel for your son, bless him. I, personally, would use this as a life lesson. Not everyone is like mummy and daddy and will go out of their way to be nice. That's the reality. I'd try and explain to him that he needs to try and go to places where there are dogs, if not, he will get excluded from get togethers and activities like this. Hopefully this will prompt him to venture out to places where there are dogs. Point out to him that the other friend hasn't had any harm come to him by being near the hosts dogs. I think the host friend's parents could be a little kinder and try accommodating him, but then I don't know what the logistics of them putting three big dogs away would be like. As PPs have said it looks like you'll have to do the hosting if you want to maintain the friendship.

Was there a sign saying 'dogs welcome' though? I wouldn't expect dogs in a sorting office, except perhaps a working drug detection dog.