Does it matter to you if your kids are neat/well turned out/well dressed

[Eroney]

Hi all, my DD who is 4 recently started school, it’s a really lovely all girls prep. I’ve noticed of the 32 children in her year there is a real split, about half of them always come to school seemingly perfectly turned out, hair always super neat etc. then the other half tend to have there hair in a slightly messy pony tail, cardigan half on etc.
We have done a few play dates now and I’ve noticed that the children who are always super neat for school are also the children who are in planned outfits etc. outside of school. Personally I wish I was one of the neat put together mums but in reality my daughter’s hair is always frizzy, a little messy and just about in a ponytail. On the weekends it’s just whatever is clean and fits, rarely a planned outfit.
Im close friends with one of the put together mums and I live in some sort of envy of her, she works 3 days a week but still her children who both have curly hair come to school with perfect little ringlets, neat uniform etc. I have no idea how she is doing it tbh. My sister is under the opinion the put together mums probably have the least fun but I spend a lot of time with my close friend and she doesn’t care if her kids get dirty or messy or if their hair ends up half out, she just makes sure they always start the day/activity well put together. She is also incredibly well put together, I’ve never seen her do the school run and not have her hair done and a nice outfit on.
AIBU to envy these mums? Does your children’s outfits/hair/presentation matter to you?

These kids are four. Why are you devoting so much attention to their appearance?

It depends on the occasion.

They always went to school looking clean and smart, but came home looking like they'd been stuck down a sewer all day.

Going to the park/seaside/theme park etc, I wasn't too fussed what they looked like as long as they were comfortable.

I think your sister is wrong though.

Some kids are just very compliant when it comes to having their hair done, and some kids have fun but appear to stay cleaner than mine did most of the time 🤷‍♀️

I mastered it with the kids, not so much myself.

Yes, it was important to me that they always looked well turned out at the start of the day.

Mine always started the day with clean, matching clothes, brushed clean hair and polished shoes. Their coats were always washed, their polo shirts white etc
I looked like a tramp but it was a real matter of pride for me that my children were well turned out.

I work with children and I've seen some children who just look like nobody loves them or cares for them and I never wanted that for mine.

Day to day, I think as long as long as they’re clean and their clothes are in good condition, fit them and are appropriate for the weather/activity it doesn’t really matter.

This kind of thing matters to me, rightly or wrongly. As a working mother, back in the day, I always worried about giving the ones that judged more fodder so I would stay up until the early hours getting everything clean, ironed, repaired, organised. Hairbrush in the car and wet wipe tidy up before dropping them. A lot of people thought I was OTT but it made me feel like I was coping. Not easy with 4 boys, let me tell you! And of course they would mainly come home looking like they'd been swimming in a creek in their school uniforms (3 of them, one has grown up like me 😆) but at least I dropped them off clean and tidy.

Also I think you get the odd kid who just naturally manages to look at least a little disheveled no matter what you do.

I can't understand not doing your child's hair or ironing/clean uniform on. Obviously you don't need to go crazy with hairstyles but a wet brush to slick hair into a ponytail or plaits is hardly onerous. I know some kids might not like their hair being brushed - I was one of them - but it gets done anyway because you don't go out looking a scruff! Nor risking nits and big knots in hair!

On the weekend they can wear whatever as long as it's suitable for the occassion. I hated mine in character clothes but they all went through a phase of wanting certain bits.. I would be unreasonable to not allow that. And I never got angry if they got messy playing or at school - that's how it should be imo! Go in smart and come out looking like they've gone through a hedge!

Mine always start the school or ‘day out’ day immaculate as I take pride in ensuring they are- same with food, I see their insides as very important and they always have 5 a day etc.

Its just my way it don’t mean they’re better/ worse off.

i have friends the same and the complete opposite.

The issue I have with DDs hair is it’s a mix between some curly pieces and some straight pieces. I have no idea how my friend who has 2 little girls with curly hair gets them looking so neat and not frizzy. DD also takes her hair tie out as soon as I put it in over and over again.

When my boys were little - probably up to age 6 or so, I loved getting them cute outfits - Jojos, etc. But as they got older they got scruffier. Doesn’t help that the school uniform has white shirt and white PE kit. Obviously I wash them but life is too short to spend endless hours trying to get grass/pen/paint/ketchup stains out of white clothes. They start each new school year with unstained clothes, after that, it is what it is.

And now my older DC is 12, all he wants to wear out of school are black or navy joggers, sludge coloured t shirts and hoodies. Does annoy me a bit but I’ve realised I’ve wasted a fortune on what I regard as “nice” clothes that he just won’t ever pull out of his wardrobe to put on.

Ditto haircuts - when they were little, I just took them to the barber when I thought their hair wasn’t neat. Now my eldest says that anyone who comes in to school with a fresh haircut is teased (not in a super mean way, just kids being silly, but still) so he will only agree to get his hair cut at the start of each school holidays so it looks a bit scruffy by the start of term.

My kids are mixed like me so have curly and textured hair! I use either curly hair gel or water. You could use a spray bottle with curl spray or conditioner mixed with water, spray her hair all over, then use a wide toothed comb to quickly brush knots and part the hair, two bobbles in = bunches! Plait the ends if you like to keep it neater.

Alternatively after a wash use some leave in conditioner and French braid her hair. In the morning use the spray bottle or a bit of gel to smooth flyaways. Super simple
You might just need to experiment. Try boots little coco or cantu or inecto products

This only works up to a certain age anyway, surely, as soon as they have their own opinions and tastes they will start putting together some pretty whacky combos! Well, my daughter's were that way anyway, so far my son will just put on any combination of trousers and a t shirt I leave out for him with no complaint.

I look at those smart looking kids, especially when there's more than one of them, that smart/Spanish/European/neutral/natural look and they do look so lovely, but I wonder whether there is a big battle every morning and who it is actually for?

At nursery DD always started the day clean and tidy, but by the time I picked her up she had often been digging in a hole in the dirt with her friends and was filthy. Which, as far as I was concerned, was brilliant as she had obviously been having a good time.

When she started school she got slightly less dirty but hair has never been one of our strong points. I am not very good at doing hair and can't manage anything more complicated than a simple pony tail, though I occasionally attempted plaits. DD had fine, fairly slippy hair and didn't like sitting still while I tried doing things with it. Consequently we compromised on vaguely tidy hair and clothes that started the day clean.

What type of curly hair do your friend’s daughters have? Is it Afro hair because brushing it & making sure it’s neat wouldn’t be optional if so.
what type of hair does your DD have? Maybe some products would help so it isn’t a long winded process every day. Depends what type of hair though.

My children are neat & groomed but it doesn’t take much time & I’m happy for them to get messy. They have a lot of uniform so I don’t have to wash the basics every day. Blazers are wool so they’re dry cleaned in half term.

Do what works for you though. I doubt anyone thinks she looks anything other than a cute four year old.

No not Afro I don’t think, just blonde curls I don’t really know how to describe them? I imagine they are slightly tighter curls that my DD has but not by much. We have tried some products but DD somehow always ends up with it frizzy.

Pretty much the same as my kids. I make sure mine are in clean clothes with washed faces and brushed hair (tied up neatly for DD) for the start of school. On smart occasions, they are appropriately dressed. But they look like they've been dragged through a hedge an hour in because they've been having fun and I'm fine with that.

Neither me nor their DF are naturally sleek, polished people, though we both scrub up ok if we need to, so I guess it runs in the family...

My DD was super independent and did her own hair from age 3yo. So she was one of the scruffs because she wasn't very good at it! She's now in her final year of school and always looks gorgeous (biased mum!), so she got there in the end!

In so far as I could manage it, I'd tried.

But I do think you are obsessing about this a bit, and I would examine the deeper reasons as to why.

I like DD to start the school day clean with hair tied back. I can guarantee she'll be one of the filthiest at pick up, pulling her bobble out on the way. Weekends I don't worry about a bobble unless we're at a more strenuous activity. Clothes will be clean/appropriate but I can't promise some won't be marked from previous escapades, same as school uniform. I'm not binning a new t-shirt over a bit of pen.

DH usually gets the dcs clothes out and often ties up DC1's hair. When I do her hair it's much neater and the clothes aren't always what I'd pick but when DH gets the kids ready it gives me time in the morning to get myself ready so I don't argue! Uniform is usually clean-looking but never ironed, and some have stains won't wash out and I don't get stressed about that.

I have to say the one thing I won't let them do is joggers outside the house or a sports context

I just.. cannot stand them on boys

Some people are natural organisers. Natural eye for aesthetics and fashion. Some people also have OCD or anxiety issues where they are worried about things being out of place or people judging them.
Some people have other strengths and interests or quirks or neurological quirks that make them the opposite.
I know both types of people, I conclude its not something you learn to be, it's something you just are. And it's not always a good thing, sometimes its how a trauma or mental health issue presents, to make sure they are outwardly perfect and organised.
The most organised people I know have deep trauma and a need for super high levels of control over their lives.

Afro hair can be blonde. Not unusual with mixed raced people especially. Assuming you know they aren’t though..

Curls aren’t difficult or unmanageable. A shift in attitude towards them is going to be helpful to you & to DD growing up. Some curls are frizzy & that’s fine. Most people with curly hair will tell you that they quickly developed a complex about their hair from listening to negative comments.
Find the right products and figure out how to care for your daughter’s hair. If you’re looking at your friend’s children’s hair admiringly then perhaps your DD is too.

It's important to me that my kids don't look scruffy. This is why I always iron school uniform, even when others think it a waste of time I just feel it looks much better ironed.

I have teen boys so they do like to wear sportswear but even then I like them to be clean and looking presentable, not crumpled and mismatched. Regular baircuts and always clean and looking sharp. It doesn't take much effort, maybe it's harder with girls.