Does it matter to you if your kids are neat/well turned out/well dressed

[Eroney]

Hi all, my DD who is 4 recently started school, it’s a really lovely all girls prep. I’ve noticed of the 32 children in her year there is a real split, about half of them always come to school seemingly perfectly turned out, hair always super neat etc. then the other half tend to have there hair in a slightly messy pony tail, cardigan half on etc.
We have done a few play dates now and I’ve noticed that the children who are always super neat for school are also the children who are in planned outfits etc. outside of school. Personally I wish I was one of the neat put together mums but in reality my daughter’s hair is always frizzy, a little messy and just about in a ponytail. On the weekends it’s just whatever is clean and fits, rarely a planned outfit.
Im close friends with one of the put together mums and I live in some sort of envy of her, she works 3 days a week but still her children who both have curly hair come to school with perfect little ringlets, neat uniform etc. I have no idea how she is doing it tbh. My sister is under the opinion the put together mums probably have the least fun but I spend a lot of time with my close friend and she doesn’t care if her kids get dirty or messy or if their hair ends up half out, she just makes sure they always start the day/activity well put together. She is also incredibly well put together, I’ve never seen her do the school run and not have her hair done and a nice outfit on.
AIBU to envy these mums? Does your children’s outfits/hair/presentation matter to you?

My DC are grown, but their appearance did matter to me when I was responsible for their clothes & hair. I lost count of the times that I had to bite my tongue about what DSS was wearing when he arrived on a Friday for the weekend and once nipped out to buy him new jeans because I simply did not want to be seen out with him with jeans sailing up his legs, because people would think he was my DS. Unkempt hair is ok if it is clean, obviously dirty hair is appalling and makes me wonder how often children are made to bathe.

Yes. But then we leave home and life happens 😂😂

Yes, I always took pride in my children's appearance when they were at school - both primary and secondary. Clean and ironed uniform every day, and their shoes cleaned and polished. Blazers were washed weekly.

DD's hair was a bit hit and miss though! Some days it was really neat, and other days it would be a bit more tricky and flyaway.

I wouldn't worry too much - mine always came out at the end of the school day looking like right little scruffs! 😂

It genuinely didn't occur to me to worry about this when my dd1 was 4. In fact I thought the opposite - that nagging them about appearances would make them think that was disproportionately important. But I did get pulled up on it in reception and after that did try to make sure she looked half way presentable. I felt like my parenting was being judged because dd1 could also be quite challenging on the behaviour front (since diagnosed with ASD and ADHD).

Dd2 is more compliant and teachers' pet but dresses herself generally in holey rags with odd socks. She takes it a bit far even for me, and I find it strange that she doesn't mind as she's usually a stickler for rules and doing the right/expected thing. No one has ever commented on her appearance though, probably because she is so well behaved and.performs well at school and people therefore aren't judging my parenting.

I still don't really think it matters and think other people's judgments can be way off beam anyway. Fwiw parenting dd1 took a lot more effort and skill than dd2, but because dd2 is no trouble I somehow get to bask in her reflected glory as parent of the year.

Haha same here. I put more thought in my boys appearance than my own😅. They are 12 and 15 and really lazy so will wear anything I put infront of them rather than go ferching themselves. But I would have a hard time with a girl since I can't do hair. My hair is always in a bun/ponytail because I have no idea how to make it look good. The hairdresser makes it look really nice when O have had a haircut but I'm incapable of doing it myself.

I don't understand why she has " holey rags" available to dress in. Your child was so scruffy that someone from school talked to you about it?
I'd never leave the house again, I'd be mortified!

I’m a lefty middle class parent-my kids were always scruffy unless they had to be super neat for some reason. They both sang solos and people didn’t recognise them when they came out on stage!

I've always let my children dress themselves, my DD was wild at 4, lurid make up, tails, tiaras, tutus, sunglasses, wigs, sparkly boots and cut her own hair. Now she is a very conservatively dressed teenager who makes some of her own clothes. My DS loved hats, he had a velvet coat that had been an old top of mine, also wore wigs and a dinosaur tail. He is also very conservative now. I miss those days, just let them be themselves.

Yes she had jam on her face or something else inconsequential. Her hair was always combed through every night with a nit comb -she was the only child in her class to rarely get nits, but I didn't generally style it in the mornings. I repeat, she was 4, and neither she nor I thought this was of the slightest consequence. She's now 14, gorgeous, and interested in hair and fashion, but will still wear holey tights.

Dd2 is 10. She has a perfectly decent number of clothes but always seems to find a pair of holey leggings or too short trousers at the bottom of her wardrobe. I do tell her to get changed if she looks particularly ridiculous but again don't find it very important. Why would I? She is happy, doing well at school, has good friends. The question was whether it's important to me that they're well turned out. The answer is obviously no. You obviously think that says something about my character. I think you are wrong.

I have one of each. They both looked good until I wasn’t allowed to dress them anymore 😂.
Randomly I’m good at other peoples hair, can plait, curl etc. My own, I can’t do a single thing! It’s so frustrating. I am trying my best to get my DD to a stage so she can do mine 🤣

DD is naturally scruffy. I try with her hair but it's gone wild in minutes, I struggle with mine too tbh. I'm also not strict about getting clothes dirty etc, she often comes home with grass stains in the summer but I don't mind, I think play is more important.

It would be nice if she looked tidy but equally I do cringe a bit when I see young children with very elaborate hairstyles or babies in bows

Yes, I usually make sure my daughter is wearing something which matches and looks nice. Sometimes she decides to put on a purple dress with green and orange striped tights and a yellow tutu over the top and I don't fight her on it if we're just going to the supermarket but if we're going out somewhere nice then yes, I make sure her hair is done neatly and she looks put-together. She generally respects my opinion and will often come to me with a choice of tights and ask which ones go best with the dress she's chosen. She hates trousers and they don't work for her body shape, they're either way too tight on her legs or constantly falling down her hips, so she's nearly always in a dress. If she then chooses to dive into a muddy puddle then that's absolutely fine, it all just goes in the washing machine when we get home.

Nope.

As long as they are acceptably dressed for the occasion I dont mind what they look like.

Conscious decision- I dont want them to consider their appearance to be important.

Also, I am lazy.

Anyone who judges on appearance rather than manners, kindness, and being good company can do one in my opinion.

Ask her if she uses any products? Some girls just have unruly hair that's difficult to control. Maybe if you used a little bit of frizz control products then it might look ok untied.
Frankly though, as long as she looks clean and her clothes fit and are weather appropriate, I wouldn't worry. There are plenty more important things to worry about.

No. Child gets to school wearing uniform....mum win for me...

I'm going back ages but in the "Well turned out" and "Well dreased" categories, i am not sure they would have qualified. Depends how those judging would rate them 🤔

I always aimed for arriving washed and clean. Thier curly hair wasnt suitable for brushing.

To be fair, I think I have hair-brushing trauma from growing up in the 70s/80s with a mother who believed eyebrows and ears were part of the brushing routine, and who thought the scalp needed a vigorous daily scraping with bristles. And of course, hair tied so tightly the roots hurt when you took it down at night. But hey, at least I never had nits!

Its important to me that the children go out with brushed neat hair, clean teeth, face wiped over with flannel, short clean fingernails, clean clothes and shoes.

I try to make it look like some thought has been put into their outfits but I rarely buy new, mostly charity shops and Vinted.

My kids always chose their own outfits on non-school days, so they didn’t really look planned!

But yes, it was always important to me that their clothes were clean and ironed, teeth and hair brushed, clean hands and faces. Same for school.
Obviously by the end of the day the cleanliness and neatness had often faded. But I liked to start off neat at least.

Yes it was important to me, they were always pretty well turned out and as young adults they remain that way.
weekends I was a little more relaxed and was never bothered if they ended up a bit unkempt but they started out nice

Clean yes, neat if required by school or the occasion but most importantly theclothes should be appropriate for what thry are going to do that day. I had to end a friendship with someone because although she was keen for me to take care of her child she kept sending her to play with my child wearing clothes that were smart and she did not like them getting even slightly mucky. I would tell her in advance that I was planning to take the children to the local woods/playground and then back to mine to do some cake baking and her daughter would arrive in a smocked dress or similar. Finally I decided that I wasn't prepared to keep my child in doing colouring or other clean neat play just because this other woman wanted her 5 year old to be dressed like a little model who was not allowed to get messy.

That's quite a contradiction though: you make sure they are acceptably dressed for the occasion so you do mind about their appearance. But there is ofcourse a difference between looking clean and proper (what I aim for for me and the kids) and being obsessed about your looks which I think you were referring to.

But appearance is important.

Not for a 4yo, or 8yo but for adults it is.

Everyone judges on appearance, because our first impressions are all about appearance, about the messages you choose to send by how you choose to present yourself.

No one knows if you are kind when you walk into an interview, or meet a client for the first time but they form an impression based on how you choose to present yourself.

For quite a lot of adult life how you present yourself really has an impact.

We all make choices about our levels of hygiene, the clothes we wear, the stylistic choices we make.

We start teaching children good manners, and good behaviour when they are little because they will need the good manners and good behaviour in their adult life and it takes practice.

Presentation of self is exactly the same.

My DD always leaves the house well presented, but obvs once she’s home her hair is a bit of a mess etc. I wouldn’t let her go out if she looked a state, and tbf she likes looking nice too but think that’s because she’s been around me and I always try and look presentable

My kids are what I describe as outdoor kids so they generally scruffy looking albeit clean. They’re constantly climbing trees/play fighting/sliding on the ground/being active that I’ve given up on them looking well turned out unless there’s an activity going on that requires them to. It no longer bothers me. They pick their outfits (however mismatched) and as long as they’ve got pants socks and actual clothes on I’m happy.

I have every confidence they’ll start caring about their appearance in time and will support them when they do but until then clothes on will do for me!

No. At that age they enjoyed doing their own hairstyles, and I was all for them expressing themselves. Perhaps if I'd been a strict mum they would have rebelled and become more extreme dressers as teens.