Does it matter to you if your kids are neat/well turned out/well dressed

[Eroney]

Hi all, my DD who is 4 recently started school, it’s a really lovely all girls prep. I’ve noticed of the 32 children in her year there is a real split, about half of them always come to school seemingly perfectly turned out, hair always super neat etc. then the other half tend to have there hair in a slightly messy pony tail, cardigan half on etc.
We have done a few play dates now and I’ve noticed that the children who are always super neat for school are also the children who are in planned outfits etc. outside of school. Personally I wish I was one of the neat put together mums but in reality my daughter’s hair is always frizzy, a little messy and just about in a ponytail. On the weekends it’s just whatever is clean and fits, rarely a planned outfit.
Im close friends with one of the put together mums and I live in some sort of envy of her, she works 3 days a week but still her children who both have curly hair come to school with perfect little ringlets, neat uniform etc. I have no idea how she is doing it tbh. My sister is under the opinion the put together mums probably have the least fun but I spend a lot of time with my close friend and she doesn’t care if her kids get dirty or messy or if their hair ends up half out, she just makes sure they always start the day/activity well put together. She is also incredibly well put together, I’ve never seen her do the school run and not have her hair done and a nice outfit on.
AIBU to envy these mums? Does your children’s outfits/hair/presentation matter to you?

Her child might just have easier hair to manage. My son's hair is curly and quite long. It falls into ringlets without me doing a thing!
The most I ever have to do is if he's slept funny I spray it with water and it pings up.
So many people have asked me how I make his hair so nice, and I literally do nothing.

So does mine.

Goes in looking neat and tidy but likes to do somersaults on the climbing frame all break time. Her hair is very straight, silky and fine like mine, so comes out of bobbles and clips really easily and knots like mad so I'm not surprised she looks like a scarecrow by the end of the day, even with 2 French plaits sprayed with hairspray. The kids who comes out as neat as she goes in has textured hair which seems to stay in place better, or at least seem less obvious it doesn't.

They have a freshly laundered uniform each day. But DC1 got a hole in their jumper on day 1 and still wears it.

I make sure mine have clean teeth and faces each morning, and they always have clean clothes. Despite this they always look dishevelled by the time we complete the (very short) walk to school. To be fair, I'm also the sort of person who can't keep myself neat for long - my appearance might be politely described as 'a bit bohemian' - and this has not done me any noticeable harm in life.

Nowhere did I say children shouldn’t get messy.

My measure of success is happy, confident, resilient children, who can work towards achieving whatever goals they set themselves for their futures.

learning to swim against the tide, being confident in your own self and your own values, a willingness to get messy, a willingness to be judged by your peers and live to tell the tale, the list goes on.

Being confident in your values isn’t negated by dressing appropriately 😆 And in fact one might find it’s easier to lead others to your viewpoint if they aren’t basing all their judgements on your clothes instead of your ideas.

Sending out your children looking unkempt doesn’t confer any moral superiority, on you or them.

The world judges on appearance. It’s an instinctive survival mechanism, it’s naive to ignore that.

My point was really that it doesn’t matter what you choose to wear, but it was important for me to ensure that my children understand the consequences of those choices.

With regard to raising girls, note that I’ve been discussing “appearance and presentation” not “beauty”.

I’ve said “appropriate” not “expensive”.

Appearance is wearing the right clothes for the right occasional occasion, laundering them nicely and being clean and tidy (to start the day at least).

”Appropriate” presentation means different things if you work in a hospital, or a zoo, or a night club or an office or an archeological dig.

Most people won’t be drop dead gorgeous. But everyone can be confident in how they present themselves.

I have wondered about this too op, it’s a good question. As I think there’s lots of us who send our kids in looking presentable but then there are the next level neat kids. They are usually girls ime. Different hairstyles each day, not a hair out of place, perfectly ironed clothes. Matching clothes that look brand new, no stains etc. Clean shoes. And these seem to be kids themselves who take an interest in appearing this neat, don’t like mess on them etc.

This is all wayy more effort than I am prepared to make. My girls are neat enough but they’ve never been taught that their appearance is crucially important. They tease me for getting in a flap on school photo day and the like, feels like there’s so much to do on those days! I just don’t think I can ever find this to be a priority, and tbh even if I did I couldn’t pull it off, I find it too stressful.

I don't think I do ignore any of the things you say. But when my daughter was 4 years old I had different priorities. And I'm confident enough in my own judgements to not particularly care what you think about my priorities, without necessarily thinking you're wrong. There's more than one right way.

People have different priorities. I would not be regularly spraying hairspray or putting products in my daughter's hair. I'd rather she looked a bit scruffy.

Mine start the day looking nice, hair and clothes clean and tucked in. They do not end the day like this.

On the weekends I let them pick their own clothes, they usually look a little odd in some of their choices by always clean. I'm not overly bothered about them staying clean, just that they look nice at the start.

Your daughters in a prep school. Many of the mums will have the money, time or Nanny to turn their girls out "beautifully" - or in my words, into little models/dolls.

My kids left the house in clean clothes, but not necessarily matching/tasteful unless it really was a special occasion!

This reminds me of an episode of outnumbered where Sue was wondering how Barbara next door does it. I’ll always be a sue, the kids have always been well fed and washed and clean clothes every day but my 10 year old son comes out of school every day and his clothes are 90% mud.

My dd has very few full outfits. She mostly wears a concoction of leggings and sweatshirts like me but she is always clean. Her hair is a battle because it’s unruly again, like mine but I really don’t think at 4 it’s that important.

I have friends who spend a fortune on full outfits from Zara and the like. That’s their choice and their little girls always look lovely. But I’d rather opt for what’s cheap, practical and comfy. My dd is beautiful regardless.

Clean pants. If we all have clean pants its a win here. Stroppy kids (misunderstood?), family illness, work pressures, make mornings and some evenings a struggle.
So I aim low and anything else is a bonus.

I do the hairbrush and wet wipe in the car so we generally look presentable if not finished.
Child at nursery, me at work, husband being productive, that's the win. Appearances, despite my past life, are now less important.

I don’t really care. I care how I look but I let them pick their own clothes and wear what they’re comfortable in. I don’t get their haircut regularly either.
I am fussy about clean short nails, teeth and hair brushed though.

Unpopular on here but I like mine to look nice when they go into school, or when we take them out. Hair neatly done, ironed clothes, clean shoes. I get everything ready the night before so we can be quick in the mornings.

I see children on the school run with scraggly hair hanging in their faces and mismatched socks and I find it sad that their parents can't be bothered to put in the minimum effort. I know having a scruffy child is seen as a weird sign of austerity here on Mumsnet, but it reeks of laziness to me. And don't get me started on the sneering "well I prefer my child to be comfortable and practical" party line, usually followed up by a predictable comment about frilly dresses being impractical (yawn). Mine dress nicely and somehow still still manage to climb trees, cartwheel and ride their bikes. Sometimes they even manage to wear dresses to do those things!

OP, my youngest is very curly (a bit of a shock, as the rest of us aren't). I use water spray every morning to bring the curls back, use a wide tooth comb to detangle, and then spray Johnson's Kid's Curl Spray through it and scrunch. Anything heavier (creams, mousses) makes it lank and the curls drop out. She also wears a silk cap at night to reduce the knots and frizz.

It’s always been important to me that we all look presentable when we leave the house. My son in particular gets a lot of compliments about how smart he looks. I think perhaps because of the old fashioned way my husband styles his hair.

Even so, however tidy he is for school in the morning he is fantastically adept at coming home filthy! 😂

Yes - dress for the situation. Smart for school and church. Made up for dance shows. Fancy dress to embrace Disney. Comfy for a climb. Whatever they like Saturday afternoons at home.

I think it gives you the right mindset and is more in keeping with life as an adult so becomes their norm.

Plus a big of practicality, hair all loose at school mine would bring home nits 🙈

I'd care about neetness of pony tails if my sons could sit bloody still for e minutes whilst i do it!!!!!
They go in looking clean but one always comes out looking like a grum and I can normally ascertain what was for lunch from his face and jumper 🙄.
I'm not sure what a planned outfit is, do you mean like matching sets or themed for the days activities?? My kids are 5 and 1p. If it's a weekend they pick what they want ot wear and I only veto if it's inappropriate for the weather. Which includes telling 1p to it's too cold for shorts so him putting jogger on underneath. Yes I let him leave the house like that.

Ohh I hear this comment...when I brush my daughters hair on a school day, I remember the joke, doing the rounds years ago....ohhh she brushed my whole face before hair...nope, just moving time, at that age of hormones! It isn't that quick some mornings! But I understand what you mean. It has to be done

This is why I love mumsmet...the pearl clutching. I remember when I went to school. No children went to school with some of the styles children go to school with now. I think the ones that cite the basics - I don't think the poster mentioned straggly hair..but I think reading some posts, it is the parents projecting. My daughter hasn't worn a dress sice about 9 years old. Wants a simple plait to keep her hair put of the way so she can have fun, without her hair in her way (and she moans the whole time I do it).

I think the expectations and judgement of children (without caring about their preferences and priorities of how they want to present themselmes) comes from other adults. I know my children and their friends do not judge.

Teeth and hair is brushed before school, faces washed.

Clothes have to be clean and season appropriate.

That's my lot.

I sent my child to school freshly showered, hair neatly cut and in all clean, well fitting uniform and polished shoes every day. That is a massive improvement on my own childhood.

It meant ds had the choice whether he wanted to be one of the neat and tidy ones or was less concerned about his appearance.

I was happy that he had the choice.

I find so funny that every parent is stating the basics. Shower, teeth hair, however you are 'permitted' 😁 it is sad though that this post is about parents concerned about their children being compared..that is only based on snobby parents. I promise you, the children will make friends outside of parental judgment (thankfully) they do not really care how other children look. I begged my only daughter to let me brush her hair. She complained one morning and said I don't even want to brush my hair. The other girls laugh that I didn't wear make up (year 7) ams she said, I Dont want to wear make up. They laughed at her. But I was proud of my daughter...when I was a child the whole making an effort for girls was alot different to now.

Can be a sign of neglect.

You personally may have the time and patience for making kids neat. You may also think its a decent use of your time.

I just prioritize it way lower.

I also dont want them thinking about how they look. I want their sense of self to be built around other things about themselves. What they like doing. How they behave. Others may take them as they find them. They just are

As they get into tween / teen years their consciousness of how they appear to others will naturally develop. No need for me to encourage it before that.

No, I mean I make sure if they are playing outside then they have a coat, or if its raining they have a raincoat, if they intend to splash in puddles they have wellies, if they are going to paddle or swim they have spare undies or swimmers etc.
Thats what I mean by appropriate.

popcornandpotatoes

I don't agree with products as such in childrens hair particular but spraying it with hairspray and plaiting it did seem to keep the nits away so well worth it in my opinion