Does it matter to you if your kids are neat/well turned out/well dressed

[Eroney]

Hi all, my DD who is 4 recently started school, it’s a really lovely all girls prep. I’ve noticed of the 32 children in her year there is a real split, about half of them always come to school seemingly perfectly turned out, hair always super neat etc. then the other half tend to have there hair in a slightly messy pony tail, cardigan half on etc.
We have done a few play dates now and I’ve noticed that the children who are always super neat for school are also the children who are in planned outfits etc. outside of school. Personally I wish I was one of the neat put together mums but in reality my daughter’s hair is always frizzy, a little messy and just about in a ponytail. On the weekends it’s just whatever is clean and fits, rarely a planned outfit.
Im close friends with one of the put together mums and I live in some sort of envy of her, she works 3 days a week but still her children who both have curly hair come to school with perfect little ringlets, neat uniform etc. I have no idea how she is doing it tbh. My sister is under the opinion the put together mums probably have the least fun but I spend a lot of time with my close friend and she doesn’t care if her kids get dirty or messy or if their hair ends up half out, she just makes sure they always start the day/activity well put together. She is also incredibly well put together, I’ve never seen her do the school run and not have her hair done and a nice outfit on.
AIBU to envy these mums? Does your children’s outfits/hair/presentation matter to you?

You don’t have to be a “strict mum” to send your kids out reasonably well dressed.

I was the scruffy, tatty kid at school. Only 'common sorts' did anything with hair, ironed or did anything with shoes or, worst of all, spent money on outfits that looked nice.

Mine went to school looking perfect. The eldest would come out looking a bit fluffy, but the littlest looked like she'd gone a few rounds in a cement mixer.

Most people don't know how to handle curly hair if they don't have it. The main rules are to never brush it dry, ever. Use something like mousse or gel to scrunch when wet and then do not touch it. Frizzy curly hair is just hair where the curls have been separated by friction.

As to the question - DS is always clean and in uniform that fits but he inherited my curls and it's messy by nature. But I like it!

Depends on the occasion, but I'm generally one for a feral looking child - wellies, muddy leggings and a fleece. Clothes to play and get dirty.

If we're out for a meal , a specific event, the theatre etc then they have nice clothes. Getting eldest DC2 wear them though is difficult.

I used to put them in nice outfits all the time but then I worried about them staining and getting damaged which was stressful for all of us and stopped them playing with abandon which is good for kids.

I used to care a lot about what my eldest DS wore as a toddler. The more children I've had (3) the less I've cared.
In the mornings they don't look particularly smart but I make sure their faces are clean and hair reasonable (boys).
I couldn't care less if people thought my kids were a bit scruffy. My son never wears a jumper or coat and has his shirt untucked, I just let him get on with it. I'm often a bit of a mess, but I'm a real person and I'm struggling a lot of the time, so be it.
I would draw the line at holey rags though. Clothes with holes or really bad stains get binned. I don't mind people thinking I'm a bit scruffy but I try to maintain a certain level.

It depends on what your measure of success is really though. I don't think of childhood as exclusively about training my DDs for some life on a corporate treadmill. These things probably do have to feature somewhere in their education but so does learning to swim against the tide, being confident in your own self and your own values, a willingness to get messy, a willingness to be judged by your peers and live to tell the tale, the list goes on. Society often tells our girls in particular that appearance is the most important thing and as parents I feel we should be trying to add other perspectives into the mix

Well that's half of it. If you just have a kid with fluffy hair who plays with her hair tie, it's just harder.

You know, you can be kind snd funny and have good manners and still look clean and have clothes that fit, don't have holes and are clean.

Having dirty , inappropriate clothes is a sign of neglect.

I don’t iron the kids clothes. Life is too short and you don’t need to iron polo shirts and sweatshirts, which is what DS wears for school. DD tends to be a joyous riot of clashing colours and prints in whatever she pulls out of the drawer first. They sometimes look a bit scruffy but at least they’re dressed.

On the whole yes,it did matter to me tbh.
I has it drummed into me as a kid that outside the home I represent our family and that included appearance, manners and behaviour. It stuck with me and my kids were appropriately turned out, eg joggers and sweatshirts for toddlers playing, but always clean and tidy.
They are adults and the pattern continues.

Funny enough DH was brought up the same way. He always made sure the kids uniform was clean, ironed and shoes polished and he would never go out the house in joggers ( or trackies as we call them)
Its not a bad thing imo.

DD is 5 and leaves the house clean, tidy and brushed hair in a ponytail, ironed and clean uniform etc... in the 15 mins between that and dropping at the classroom, her hair will be frayed, probably got something on her dress, scuffed her shoes, one sock has fallen down etc.

She is quite clumsy.and energetic.

this thread astounds me lots of this is lazy parenting
My children are grown up now. They always went into school immaculate my daughter came out the same as she went in . Every day they had a clean polo shirt/school shirt and pinafores/trousers if necessary and clean jumper or cardigan if anything and a whole or stain on it well it went in the bin. Faces were wiped and noses wiped as necessary. my dad hair was tied back in different hairstyles every day complete with ribbons and hairspray to protect from nits. They had warm clean winter coats and matching hat scarf gloves in school colour of navy coats had to be navy as well
To me this is part of being a parent and caring and looking after your child!

What was she even doing all day if she came home immaculate? Didn't she run around in the playground or anything? My daughter is charging round the apparatus with some other kids just before dropping off, probably spends most of her time outside upside down/doing cartwheels etc.

Did yours just play really sedately or something?

to add it was allclean and ironed as well and hair was clipped back out of her eyes she also wore woolly tights when it was cold and not short ankle socks!!

Your poor dad! My dad wouldn't have taken kindly to ribbons in his hair.

I had a Dd with very curly fine knotty hair. It used to make us both cry every morning.

It was usually bunged in a ponytail. Not enough time to detangle the knots for plaits.

My DD has all this (except the madness of throwing clothes away just because they had.a stain on them

she still comes out of school looking like a scarecrow 😂

she did play but she did like reading and writing in her notebooks she did always come out as she went it but even if she hadn't that would have been OK as long as she looked clean neat and tidy when she went in
my son didnt come out as he went in! but the next day he would be clean neat and tidy again

she did play but she did like reading and writing in her notebooks she did always come out as she went it but even if she hadn't that would have been OK as long as she looked clean neat and tidy when she went in
my son didnt come out as he went in! but the next day he would be clean neat and tidy again

sorry typo meant dd!!!

My DD could just sit quietly for a minute and she's still looking like a hurricane come through 😂

Some of it is down to the children as well though. I always try and get mine out of the door looking neat and tidy but my two are very different:

child 1: looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards as soon as she’s left the house, messy eater, quite scatty. Shoes are always scuffed no matter how often they’re polished. However, she can be relied upon to choose appropriate clothes for any occasion whether that is outfits for the park or dressing to go out.

child 2: naturally tidy and quite precise and careful with her movement. She doesn’t have scuffed shoes as she doesn’t drag her feet around in the same way. She will never be a child with her hair out of place or with food spills down her clothes. I could probably take a worm set of clothes out of the washing basket and she’d still look smart. I do nothing different with her than the older one. However, I suspect she’s the one that will get told off re uniform at secondary. You can see she adapts her outfits naturally. She doesn’t wear a school cardigan like a normal child but will tie it in a particular way or try and fold her tops to make them look different.

So… I suspect the put together kids just happen to be very much like my child no.2 and it’s down to the children and not an extra human effort by the mums.

It's ok was just teasing, just tickled me when I read it 😊

My dd has the same hair and it always made her look quite dishevelled, she's 8 now and I've found the best way to keep her hair looking presentable, especially when rushed for time (ie school mornings) half up half down with some curl cream run through it (and I explicitly tell her every morning that she's not to take her hair tie out 😆).

I am far from a lazy parent I assure you. I just have different priorities to you. I imagine there are things I consider to be important that you neglect. I'm not pretending I'm right and you're wrong, but I genuinely can't see why this priority of yours is objectively more important than mine. I might be exaggerating how messy my kids look anyway - the first thing people tend to notice is their thick, glossy hair which I comb daily, but they do have holey clothes with stains sometimes. Dd2 genuinely doesn't care. Dd1 prefers a grungy look. That's fine by me. The alternative is telling them their preferences are subordinate to society's expectations which, when it comes to clothes, is not a message I want to give them.