Hen party drama

[Horsingabout2]

My two best friends are in charge of my hen weekend. I’ve given them free rein within a couple of paramaters (including not to exceed a certain cost so as many people as possible can make it given it’s quite close to Christmas).

I am not in the WA group but I know they were putting the itinerary in there earlier. One of my friends has called me to say one of the attendees (my cousin) has kicked up a fuss about one of the meals being a butlers in the buff style evening. Said they won’t go on the weekend if that’s the plan. No one else has said they’ve an issue.

My cousin hasn’t contacted me directly. I don’t want my friends to have to rearrange things given the efforts they’ve gone to in order to arrange. AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

Haha same. Revolting.

Don't you think some people act with integrity? Most of the stag dos my partner attends have gone nowhere near a strip club because it's not what any of the attendees are into.

It's really weird that you think things that you wouldn't choose or maybe even condone are "par for the course" on a stag or hen. Why should they be? What changes?

God, yes.

Why do people book this kind of tacky, embarrassing stuff? Of course it’s going to be controversial. I wouldn’t go to something like that.

The organisers should aim for inclusive fun, not edgy, porny activities. If men did this we’d all be disapproving.

My group of friends were planning a birthday surprise to see Magic Mike for another friend. I knew it wasn't my cup of tea. I said that I would join for the other activities and would also chip in for the birthday girl's ticket but not go to the show. Everyone was fine with this but then they also decided to check with the birthday girl. It turned out, she would have hated this surprise as it's also not her cup of tea. We all then did something else.

No.
Genuinely, that’s my idea of hell. 😂

Careful those judgy pants don't throttle you 😂

You can’t though. You have no idea what other men are doing.

I wouldn’t go to a hen weekend like that. It’s not my style.

I don’t get why they are now weekends instead of a one night party. everything is so expensive as it is. Why would you expect her to pay money for something she’s uncomfortable with?

You want to pressure her to see naked men? Coercive control isn’t appealing.

No: people have simply pointed out that its daft to assume that everyone will love something like this, knowing how divisive it is.

The OP’s friends have failed to consider that this needs to appeal to widest possible group of people and the OP has got in a strop with the cousin for not automatically going along.

People are clearly very divided on this: I wouldn’t stop anyone doing it but I would be massively pissed off if I was expected to attend (and pay for) something like this and then guilted when I said no.

Surely anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence could have anticipated this?

Not really, no. We regularly see examples of this.

Unfortunately I was blindsided with one of these type of things years ago on a friend's hen, and it was absolutely excruciating. Dead behind the eyes bloke with his arse wobbling around under a pinny, while a couple of the organisers got pissed and overly excited and the rest of us cringed and spent a lot of time in the bathroom or at the bar.
I don't blame the cousin at all and would have also backed out immediately had I known.

Watch out for your own first!

So if a man (my dh) said 'my wife would never knowingly go to an event with a stripper or be in any sleazy butler event and if it was there for hers she would have walked out'

He would be 100% correct but if i said it about him I would be wrong?

We both think it was sleazy and cringy so why on earth the double standard?

Wow most people on mumsnet are very stuck up and must have had very boring hen dos. There is nothing wrong with this as a hen activity. Cousin doesn't want to go is also reasonable though, but shouldn't make a fuss, just miss that part

I don’t think it’s a big deal but if she doesn’t want to go there’s not much you can do. I don’t think you need to change the plans unless it’s absolutely critical that she’s there. Maybe go for a brunch together or something instead if you want to catch up before the wedding?

I’ve been to a couple of hen dos with butlers and it’s a bit more silly than sexual (agree it’s not the same as a stripper or lap dance club).

A couple of friends sat back as didn’t want to get involved which was totally fine. I think some of these horrified responses are a bit ott.

A stripper turned up on my hen night - this was decades ago, before 'hen weekends' were a thing, so it was just one night out. It wasn't really my thing - he was a very muscular, tanned bloke and I like thin, pale, frail-looking men - but I went along with it and everyone found it quite funny.

Now it was all so long ago, it's the thing I remember most clearly about my hen night just because it was unusual and I've never been anywhere near a stripper since. My husband was amused by the whole thing when I told him on the night and later showed him the photos (which back then wasn't till after the wedding because I had to get them developed).

If the cousins don't want to go to this buffet, that's entirely up to them, but they don't get to dictate what everyone else does.

Er no, we don't all like that. And I think it's only par for the course if you have no imagination. It's beyond cringe and demeaning for everyone involved (and I include the 'butlers' in that).

I would also not attend this. Really grim,

Honestly it wouldn't be my choice but I've been to a couple of hendos with these butlers. They're pretty in tune to what individual guests want. They'll allow a bit of cheekiness (no pun intended) from the more enthusiastic guests, just friendly chitchat with most and leave you well alone if you're not comfortable. They aren'tm anything to be terrified of. The ones I've seen are easy enough to get on with and don't make you feel uncomfortable because ultimately that's their job.

That said if it really isn't cousin's cup of tea OP then surely the adult thing to do is to graciously allow her to step aside if she's not comfortable. No need to fall out or see it as a slight against you.

Do YOU want a butler in the buff? Don't be afraid to tell the organisers if it will make you uncomfortable as well

OP "everyone's like me and likes to ogle strange naked men"
Everyone "no we really aren't"
OP "every DH goes to strip clubs for stags, you're all ignorant"
Everyone "no, they really don't, how foul"

I'm with your cousin, no chance in hell I'd be going to your hen. You and your "everyone" are most definitely not my cup of tea.

yanbu
your friends have your best interests at heart
your cousin is not your friend, she is there by virtue of being related

I'm not stuck up or boring, but this just isn't my thing.

I have been to and enjoyed many, many different hen dos and events before, none of which have involved butler in the buff or male strippers.

I actually think the organisers are boring for booking such a crap cliché

I wouldn't attend this part of event either but I do agree that the cousin should have the opportunity to opt out of this part of the do if she chooses and attend what she wants (if any) to go for

It’s not you your cousin’s objecting to. As evidenced on here, many people wouldn’t like the bitb idea. Lots of people would be unhappy if the sexes were reversed. It’s not something I’d want to be anywhere near.

OP this is MN you really should have known better than posting about butlers in the buff on this site 😂😂

Judgy? You think people shouldn’t have an opinion about being expected to go along with tacky, cringy, cliched, naff nonsense like this? And it’s so hackneyed I’d be embarrassed to say I’d do done it.

This