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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hen party drama

452 replies

Horsingabout2 · 04/11/2025 22:42

My two best friends are in charge of my hen weekend. I’ve given them free rein within a couple of paramaters (including not to exceed a certain cost so as many people as possible can make it given it’s quite close to Christmas).

I am not in the WA group but I know they were putting the itinerary in there earlier. One of my friends has called me to say one of the attendees (my cousin) has kicked up a fuss about one of the meals being a butlers in the buff style evening. Said they won’t go on the weekend if that’s the plan. No one else has said they’ve an issue.

My cousin hasn’t contacted me directly. I don’t want my friends to have to rearrange things given the efforts they’ve gone to in order to arrange. AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 05/11/2025 10:15

Oh god I went to one of these a couple of years ago. My friend's DD, her mum organised it and she was mortified.

As for eye candy ... please don't get your hopes up OP. These two were grim, spotty arses and no conversation.

It certainly wasn't classy .... it was cringe.

CNDflag · 05/11/2025 10:16

Ugh.. genitals near food… boak 🤮

PollyBell · 05/11/2025 10:19

CNDflag · 05/11/2025 10:16

Ugh.. genitals near food… boak 🤮

But classy genitals, I believe, we all are meant to want to see them, it's a novelty and a new fangled invention these dangly bits on display, Goodness knows why but there it is

ClairDeLaLune · 05/11/2025 10:23

AIBU to say that if she wants to be stubborn and not attend, that says more about her and how highly she must regard me?

Op this is so unfair on your cousin. Her not attending has nothing to do with her regard for you. She may have any of many reasons for not attending. What if she had been assaulted in the past and would find this triggering? And was traumatised and didn’t want to talk about it? She isn’t trying to change the plan, she’s just withdrawing. Respect her preferences as she’s respecting yours.

Finto1111 · 05/11/2025 10:25

Horsingabout2 · 04/11/2025 22:50

They really aren’t anything alike.

How are they not anything alike? Butlers in the buff are strippers.

Not everyone is comfortable with strippers.

Stripping represents a lot of bad things to poeple.

HoppingPavlova · 05/11/2025 10:26

Just imagine the outrage if the groom was off to see a stripper etc. Yet the OP is happy enough to have naked males around all evening? He needs to ditch her. The cousin is the only one with some integrity

You missed the part where OP said the husband is likely doing strippers/lapdance, and it’s okay as this is all ‘normal’. So, it would seem they have matching standards. Just shows there is really someone for everyone.

paradisecircus · 05/11/2025 10:27

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go. I wouldn't fancy this either. Nothing to take personally.

Stripperyone · 05/11/2025 10:27

RhiWrites · 04/11/2025 22:53

Please explain the difference between you ogling naked men at your hen and your fiancé ogling naked women at the stag…

I have been a stripper for around 20 years. They are nothing alike.

Male strippers are entertainment, often collective with other male strippers, for events such as birthdays, hen nights etc. They're hired from reputable agencies, are paid decently and a guaranteed fee for each event. They often do not get fully naked, and their health is made a priority sometimes even monitored and taken care of, by the agency. Their industry is not a product of oppression, lack of choice, or any other 'need' to do the job. They do not tend to be endangered as part of their job, partly because they are men and unlikely to not be able to defend themselves, partly because they are often not alone while working--also females do not tend to rape, harass or assault men.

Female strippers are not guaranteed any pay, they have to 'hustle' for it. They are not looked after in any way other than someone with an SIA licence muse be on the premises. They compete against one another for £ and some of them are quite desperate for it. Their MH is often questionable (not always, but often)and they are often doing the job due to circumstances meaning a lack of choice as to what else they can do (criminal record, MH issues, lack of education, single parenthood, various other issues often rooted in patriarchy). Nudity is also mandatory in most clubs and there is very little auditing on who can attend a club-a little bit different to a hen do full of happy women on a night out with their friends, a lone predator can enter a club and a woman is alone in a room with him while dancing.

I have no input on the thread OP, other than I would stay out of it if I were you unless you absolutely 100% want your cousin to attend.

But I couldn't not comment on the above.

They are NOT the same unless we mean 'looking at someone's body' as the only similarity. But that's a very small aspect of a bigger picture.

Both deal with numbers, but a Maths teacher is not the same job as an accountant.

WFHforevermore · 05/11/2025 10:27

Wow - theres some harsh comments here!

LlamaNoDrama · 05/11/2025 10:29

i dunno. If we had 'waitresses in the buff' there would be uproar. Why are butlers in the buff even a thing? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

Finto1111 · 05/11/2025 10:30

Stripperyone · 05/11/2025 10:27

I have been a stripper for around 20 years. They are nothing alike.

Male strippers are entertainment, often collective with other male strippers, for events such as birthdays, hen nights etc. They're hired from reputable agencies, are paid decently and a guaranteed fee for each event. They often do not get fully naked, and their health is made a priority sometimes even monitored and taken care of, by the agency. Their industry is not a product of oppression, lack of choice, or any other 'need' to do the job. They do not tend to be endangered as part of their job, partly because they are men and unlikely to not be able to defend themselves, partly because they are often not alone while working--also females do not tend to rape, harass or assault men.

Female strippers are not guaranteed any pay, they have to 'hustle' for it. They are not looked after in any way other than someone with an SIA licence muse be on the premises. They compete against one another for £ and some of them are quite desperate for it. Their MH is often questionable (not always, but often)and they are often doing the job due to circumstances meaning a lack of choice as to what else they can do (criminal record, MH issues, lack of education, single parenthood, various other issues often rooted in patriarchy). Nudity is also mandatory in most clubs and there is very little auditing on who can attend a club-a little bit different to a hen do full of happy women on a night out with their friends, a lone predator can enter a club and a woman is alone in a room with him while dancing.

I have no input on the thread OP, other than I would stay out of it if I were you unless you absolutely 100% want your cousin to attend.

But I couldn't not comment on the above.

They are NOT the same unless we mean 'looking at someone's body' as the only similarity. But that's a very small aspect of a bigger picture.

Both deal with numbers, but a Maths teacher is not the same job as an accountant.

That's wrong.

Female strippers also get hired for parties and celebrations.

My local football team recently hired female strippers for a party. when they won a local competition.

I know because one of them told me, amd I saw photos

SunnyViper · 05/11/2025 10:31

Horsingabout2 · 04/11/2025 22:50

They really aren’t anything alike.

They are totally the same and utterly tacky. Each to their own though. I’m team cuz.

Stripperyone · 05/11/2025 10:32

Finto1111 · 05/11/2025 10:30

That's wrong.

Female strippers also get hired for parties and celebrations.

My local football team recently hired female strippers for a party. when they won a local competition.

I know because one of them told me, amd I saw photos

I too have done events many times. But the PPs have referred specifically to lapdancing, and also this is not the 'norm' for strippers-many female strippers work mainly in clubs. To my knowledge, there isn't such a thing as the same for male strippers.

RhododendronFlowers · 05/11/2025 10:32

LlamaNoDrama · 05/11/2025 10:29

i dunno. If we had 'waitresses in the buff' there would be uproar. Why are butlers in the buff even a thing? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

Oh it's just a crude transposition of a male idea. I remember these things emerging in the mid 90s, in particular, with male strip acts etc.
Supposedly edgy. It's never appealed to me, and seemingly most people on here!

Tiswa · 05/11/2025 10:34

LlamaNoDrama · 05/11/2025 10:29

i dunno. If we had 'waitresses in the buff' there would be uproar. Why are butlers in the buff even a thing? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

Apart from literally every strip club! And then if you want slightly more covered and mainstream Hooters

this is divisive @Horsingabout2 abd your cousin has a right to find it odd and object! It isn’t personal just you are different people who aren’t friends but family

ThatCyanCat · 05/11/2025 10:34

LlamaNoDrama · 05/11/2025 10:29

i dunno. If we had 'waitresses in the buff' there would be uproar. Why are butlers in the buff even a thing? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

Are you kidding? You don't think men have easy access to naked women if they want it? You've not heard of strip clubs, Hooters, the Internet awash with porn, chatlines, strippergrams, OnlyFans and all the rest of it? Whatever one thinks of butlers in the buff for hen parties, you have to be on another planet to think there's no equivalent for men or that the double standard is one that works to women's favour and not men's. You cannot be serious, surely.

Finto1111 · 05/11/2025 10:35

If i was invited to a butlers in the buff organised by someone else for a hen party, I would go to it, as its someome elses hen party, I am single, and I don't feel that strongly about ut to not go, if it is some one else's hen party.

However, I would never choose to go to butlets in the buff myself. Like it would never be my personal choice to just go.

I would go if I am being invited by someone else for a hen party. As its just a weekend.

If I had a partner I might feel less comfortable about going. Its ok for your cousin to not want to go

AlltheHedgehogsontheWall · 05/11/2025 10:35

I think I'd just say to your cousin that you totally respect that she doesn't want to attend that kind of thing, and it would be lovely if she has time to meet up for a meal, sans nude butlers, at another time.

When my bf's (now ex) sister was getting married many years ago, her MOH organised a stripper as an activity for a Hen in Benidorm. I said that I wouldn't attend that part but was happy to go back to the hotel, but also asked gently if she'd checked the bride's stance on strippers. The MOH asked the bride and she said that if a stripper came she'd want to cry and go home, and if she found out the groom had had a stripper she'd cancel the wedding.

For my own Hen I definitely didn't want a stripper but my husband was bought a dance by his friends, from what he described it was the un-sexiest thing in the world but clearly his mates felt it was a rite of passage. Some women would be furious and the groom would know not to cross that boundary in advance.

So the TL:DR is that not everyone is comfortable with that kind of thing and it's fine if you are and fine if your cousin isn't.

Finto1111 · 05/11/2025 10:36

Stripperyone · 05/11/2025 10:32

I too have done events many times. But the PPs have referred specifically to lapdancing, and also this is not the 'norm' for strippers-many female strippers work mainly in clubs. To my knowledge, there isn't such a thing as the same for male strippers.

Yes in the interest of equality a woman should start up a chain of male strip clubs.

Why are there only clubs with female strippers?

PolyVagalNerve · 05/11/2025 10:36

Horsingabout2 · 04/11/2025 22:49

It’s not my usual cup of tea but it’s a hen do so par for the course, and we all secretly like a bit of eye candy when we’ve had a few Prosecco’s don’t we!

Don’t we ??? Err no - cringe 😬

BarbarasRhabarberba · 05/11/2025 10:38

Why do you keep saying “it’s par for the course”? It really isn’t. are you that unimaginative? Just because there’s a general perception of hen/stag dos being tacky and tawdry doesn’t mean you have to do this, it isn’t a legal requirement. You could go birdwatching or skydiving or to a top-end sushi restaurant or literally whatever it is you actually want and enjoy instead.

LlamaNoDrama · 05/11/2025 10:38

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/11/2025 23:26

Everyone posting above are ridiculous pearl clutchers. The last hen do I went on had a butler in the buff and he was great fun! Make the evening flow a lot more and he led games etc which helped people get to know each other he was a very classy professional. Before anyone tells us we are low brow or tacky, the group is privileged women, around age 40, lots of ‘posh’ boarding school types, professionals like lawyers social workers and CEO’s. Much more fun than a knitting circle or an afternoon tea and home by 6pm or whatever pp think is appropriate ,

I'm highly amused by the fact you think you cant possibly be tacky or low brow because you're a group of 'privileged' women 🤣. Or that the only alternative is knitting and being home by 6pm. I sincerely hope your 'privileged' lawyer friends have better critical thinking skills than you do.

user2848502016 · 05/11/2025 10:40

Butlers in the buff is quite gross and wouldn’t be my idea of fun either, but I wouldn’t expect plans to be changed for me. I’d either go or go to everything except that.

Finto1111 · 05/11/2025 10:40

I think women on here are angry about butlers in the buff because it makes us think of how women can often be exploited in stripping.

It's a tricky line. Do we accept that we can pay to see naked bodies or not.

I often thought that stripping exploited women.

Then I saw an interview the singer Cardi B gave, where she said that stripping was an amazing job for her. It stopped her being broke and paid her rent. Yes women often only do it in bad circumstances, but if it helps them and gets them out of bad circumstances, its her choice.

Same with butlers in the buff, they are probably making quite good money

MaplePumpkin · 05/11/2025 10:40

GehenSieweiter · 05/11/2025 10:09

Yup, I'm sure you'll do that too. Do you need another shovel?

No thank you!