Possible to not upset people over getting married without any family

[narnia2025]

We are planning to get married next year. We want to do a no thrills statutory wedding . Can only have two witnesses. Not even able to have dc there due to restrictions. So to not upset people we are thinking of having non family there so a co worker of dp and a friend of mine. We have even considered having random people from local fb page etc.

although I very much want to do it this way. I’m slightly worried that it is gonna cause fall out and upset especially dp family. Has anyone got married and not had family there? Was there fall out? Was everyone ok with it?

@AnneLovesGilbert I work in the industry as a registrar and I often speak to couples about the very situation you decribe.

Dh and I also eloped.

In our own situation we told closest family (parents and siblings) beforehand, so they could 'think of us on the day' etc. I'm sure they all would have liked to be there, but they understood our personalities and priorities and accepted that it was not what we wanted for our marriage. Bottom line was that they were pleased we were married. We then had lots of mini celebrations every time we met up with different members of the family. We didn't tell any of our friends until afterwards, when we made a big announcement (sent along with Christmas cards). Again lots of mini-celebrations with small groups of friends, but only when we were getting together for other things anyway. We did not have any kind of party. There was only one friend who was unhappy, but tbh, even if we'd extended the invitations (inviting closest family would have taken it to 15 people) my friend wouldn't have been invited to that either.

Recently I spoke with a couple who are eloping in December. After much thought they have decided not to tell anyone until afterwards. There is too much risk of the bride's mother turning up to 'surprise' them - oh what fun!!. They thought about not telling anyone at all, even afterwards - do you tell everyone when you change other legal documents such as your will or POA?? - but they will wear wedding rings so they want to manage the announcement rather than having people guess...

I've also held ceremonies for people who were not planning on telling anyone, ever. You can double-barrel your name without being married. You can wear a ring without being married.

My key experience though is that you should do what the two of you want for your marriage. No matter what you do / how big your wedding is / whether it's a fancy venue or a low key event / whether you wear a big white dress or comfortable black leggings... there will be SOMEONE who is upset and who will try to influence your decision. Your marriage ceremony is both a legal contract and personal statements of commitment. If you choose to do that in private with just 2 witnesses, that is your prerogative.

I've worked with so many couples who compromised on what they wanted to try and keep other people happy, and ended up a bit miserable on their own wedding day.

Even though I'm a registrar, when my dd got married, she used someone else. I would loved to have held her ceremony, but I love her, always will, and was happy that she was making the choice that was right for her and her dh.

Only you will know that dynamic of your own families - maybe someone will swear they are never speaking to you again. I uderstand other posters who say that marriage is about compromise (adjusting to wider family expectations), but it is also about asserting your own values - yours and your husband's. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Interesting... in Scotland you can use 2 strangers. They are legal witnesess to you making the required legal statements. If they hear them, they can sign as witnesses.

we did it - family and friends are still completely unaware. We'd been living together for 25 years or so and were approaching retirement age, so it was purely a formality for financial reasons.

Inviting 12 people isn't minimal. It requires organisation, involvement, listening to people's opnions on whether you should have had 30 guests, answering questions about flowers or outfits... It is exactly what the OP doesn't want.

The registrar will check the names of your witnesses before the ceremony begins. Even if you’re asked to send them in advance, I’m sure that isn’t binding. Just a courtesy. People change their witnesses at the last minute all the time.

That's good to know, it certainly wasn't made clear to us at the time and it did seem odd. We had our adult DC as witnesses. I don't think I could have handled the stress if I had to look for witnesses on a Monday morning, as town was pretty deserted!

Not really. It was a maximum of 12 (we didn't have the full number) and we just had parents and siblings. We told them where to be and what time and booked a table online at a pub for afterwards.

No one tried to persuade us to do anything else or invite anyone extra as it was immediate family only and that's a fairly established group.

Didn't have flowers or wedding style dress.

Yeah my fear is not finding anyone which is why we though co worker and a friend made sense.

Just wanted to come back to this as we are really struggling to decide how to go about the two witnesses without causing any/little upset.
our options are
find two random witnesses
use two of dps old co workers who would be willing to do it.
three- use a friend each

does anyone have a opinion on which one is the best option. This is definitely becoming more stressful then we thought but we still do not want a wedding or to pay £400 more to allow more people to be there.

In your circumstances I would go with a friend each - assuming that, if you could be guaranteed that nobody else would be upset, you would want the friends there.

I have a couple of friends that I would trust 100% to be discreet if I wanted. Not that other friends would deliberately drop us in it, but they might find it stressful to have to keep a secret. I would pick the tight-lipped trustworthy friends so that you retain control over who finds out.

A “no thrills” wedding sounds depressing. I’d expect a bit of a thrill when getting married, whether in a registry office or anywhere else.

I have already said I meant frills. Typos happen.

It was a lighthearted comment. To answer your question: no, you probably can’t do this without offending people. But your marriage, your choice.

I just said we can only have 8 people ( that was the smallest we coud book as it was last minute) and that wouldn't be enough for all our siblings and partners. We stressed that it was just for legal reasons and nobody was upset I don't think.

My sisters and brother did us a 'Sten' night a few months after the wedding which was a good compromise.

We had our two best friends as witnesses.

i’d do option 2. That way you don’t have to worry about the stress of finding strangers or upsetting friends with your choice.

have a wonderful day.

Op whatever happens remember this is a lovely great thing, you sound blue over it, don’t let the practicalities take away from how brill it is!!

I just hate upsetting people. We haven’t told anyone our plan yet. We want to be married. I want to be his wife I just want this actual wedding to be done.

Oh god not this again. You'll get a subset of people responding to this who have done the same saying it was brilliant for them. You won't get those who they upset.

No need to tell everyone beforehand . That just upsets people certainly don't announce it and invite some of the immediate family but not all. That's a recipe for hurting people. Just be fair and equal. So no-one in your case.

Perhaps give people a bit of space to feel sad. Afterall they have probably invited you to things out of obligation even if you think it was because you were really wanted. Usually people invite people to weddings to thank and recognise help and support they've been given.

Personally I'd just be kind and invite close family and take everyone out for dinner. But it's essential that its just you then just elope.

Sorry, but I don’t think there is a way of doing the tiny ceremony you want without causing any upset. Most parents want to see their kids get married, even if that is signing papers wearing jeans and t shirt.

Only you know how upset your respective families (and children!) are likely to be. Then decide if whether causing that upset matters less than spending £400 to have it in a room which would allow your family to attend.

It’s important to remember too, that just because there are attendees, it doesn’t need to be a big thing. Sign some papers, have a glass of Champagne, then all go about your day. Maybe that is still too much for you, but no one can answer that question but you.

Best of luck and congrats on getting married.

It obviously depends where the Registry Office is however finding random witnesses on the day usually isn’t that hard.

We did exactly that mainly because we didn’t want anyone to know we were getting married.

To this day other than the 2 random people we coerced into assisting on the day, I think the only other person who knows we are married is the solicitor who amended our wills. Our parents, relatives and friends have no idea.

We got married for IHT reasons as we had a newborn DS and wanted to protect assets for him. We’d already been living as a couple for nearly 20 years beforehand so nobody ever mentions marriage to us anymore.

Honestly we are saving for a lot of things at the moment. We don’t want to spend £400 especially as we know we will not enjoy it.

I have been married before. Hated the wedding. Was probably one of the worst experiences. Being the centre of attention, speeches, having to talk to people. I don’t want to do it again. Dp hasn’t been married but has never wanted a wedding.

Good summary, I think.

You know the people around you best, you know what's likely to happen, you're best qualified to perform the balancing exercise.

Ask your Mum (or the person you are most concerned about upsetting), hypothetically, how she would feel if you told her one day that you were married. You’ll get the answer then.

Would you want to have a meal and a drink in a pub afterward with the parents and children to raise a glass? Would that be tolerable to ease the fact you cannot have family there?

You should totally get married and I would suggest grabbing a couple of people off the street to witness

I can completely understand your reasonings and don’t think yabu at all. In fact, I’d like to o the same (but for civil ceremony - we are opps sex but I just don’t want the actual marriage thing). I like the idea of random witnesses, and if we invited our non-shared adult children then it would be great if they wanted to but other than that I feel no need to tell anyone else about it at all, it would be pure legality. But if they weren’t able to come then I’d like to pick a couple of randoms too! Coincidentally, I have just offered my services to someone asking for random witnesses to their own ceremony that’s in my home city - and that was on here - so could be very exciting! I’ve seen it work out in here numerous times when you see posts looking for witnesses!

It’s more dp family if I’m honest. I don’t think my mum will be bothered if I’m honest.