Possible to not upset people over getting married without any family

[narnia2025]

We are planning to get married next year. We want to do a no thrills statutory wedding . Can only have two witnesses. Not even able to have dc there due to restrictions. So to not upset people we are thinking of having non family there so a co worker of dp and a friend of mine. We have even considered having random people from local fb page etc.

although I very much want to do it this way. I’m slightly worried that it is gonna cause fall out and upset especially dp family. Has anyone got married and not had family there? Was there fall out? Was everyone ok with it?

We got married just us, 2 friends and DD.

But we did have a party with friends and family back at our house straight after.

Just get married, don’t tell anyone. you don’t need to let anyone know if you’ve changed your names with the exception of driving license. Passport, bank etc. Don’t do it on social media, that’s just attention seeking.

we want a marriage. A civil partnership doesn’t feel the same to us for some reason.

Yeah it’s why we want to do it sooner rather then later

Yes, I discovered here, yesterday, that our registrar lied to us about this! Pre-internet so one couldn't double-check such things.

If you were someone I knew, I would honestly just want you to have the wedding YOU want.
I would be happy for anyone I know (my children included) to disappear and do the legal bit on their own.
If they are happy, I am happy for them. I couldn't possibly be hurt, or upset, or angry at someone having the wedding they want, in their own way.
Please ignore the poster banging on about it being a HUGE event.
It isn't a huge event for you, and that is all that matters.
It wouldn't be a huge event for me either, but it's not my wedding 😂

Isn't there an option up from this that is still minimal?

We did basic registry but the room held about 12. We just had parents and siblings and told no one else. The price difference was very minimal.

We did last slot of the day and a meal in a pub. No speeches or ceremony.

I do think you risk upset having a colleague.

Or if it's just legal do a civil partnership. It gives you legal protection but doesn't have the same charged 'we weren't invited to your wedding '.

Nice to learn something new and good. Thinking about all this, and changes since i did it, I realise I have never seen another person's marriage certificate. An oddly private document. Have they changed birth certificates yet, to put the mother first?? Hope the OP isn't getting put off - I'm startled at how many people here think solemnising a marriage is other people's business. Am struggling to get my head round that: I'm hearing the emotional objections to a private wedding as an expression of parental control tbh. As the OP has said so clearly, marriage is enormously important but a wedding isn't.

I'd add that the fact you are worried about it suggests you do think your mum will be upset?

I'm not sure how I'd feel. I'm a practical, no fuss person so I don't get spending thousands on a day and I'd be pleased my child wasn't lumbering themselves with debt.

But I do think that while I wouldn't necessarily tell them, I would be sad I didn't get to share any of it, however small, basic or non wedding like it might be it's an important commitment.

I think OPs purpose is to do the paperwork of marriage without a big do. Why doesit have to be secret?

The next up I believe is a room with a capacity of 30 or 40.The difference for us is £400. Does not appeal to us at all

Yeah this is what I am trying to get at. Marriage is very important to us. We want to be married. We want the commitment and the security it brings.

we don’t see the actual getting married as a huge event as in a party or experience that everyone needs to be a part of. It’s not going to be a wedding etc.i it is a life event but so is having a baby or buying a house and you don’t have spectators for that.

Ah. We just did a small registry office in little town rather than a city. There wasn't an extra charge but it was small (and above a library) so you were limited to a handful of people..

I didn't want a wedding but my dad has terminal cancer and the picture I have of us that day is one of my favourites. It was nice to have both sides of the family together as we are too far apart for it to happen often and that's what I liked about it rather than dresses or shoes (which were normal, not wedding).

You should do whatever you want but it's nice to look back fondly rather than it become a day everyone avoids ever mentioning because you all fell out.

If you are not going to invite parents I do agree with forewarning and explaining your reasons - assuming you have a good relationship and they are not prone to drama.

My sister did this because my family is a chaotic mess in a bad way. Her, her wife, and 2 of their friends went to the registry office and didn't tell any of us until later in the day. Then they went back to their house and got drunk and phoned us all lol. We all understood that it's what she wanted and no one was upset!

We did something very similar. Told everybody we were getting married, didn't want a massive fuss, just had 2 friends as witnesses. We did have a party in the evening, but, honestly, I'd have been happier not to do that!
We were quite young and I know I wouldn't have coped very well with everybody looking at me while I was saying my vows.
Honestly, if there is fallout, they're the ones in the wrong, not you. Remember that and ask them if they really want to fall out with you over something that shouldn't matter to them, at all.
Do what makes you happiest, not what others expect.

In our county just one does a basic package and all the town offices seem to have capacity of 30 with a starting price of 400. Unless I’m missing something.

I think if you have kids then they need to be there.

See If we were having a celebration I would agree but as we are literally walking in and signing a paper I don’t think it’s needed.

I think I would tell people beforehand. Make it clear that it’s not in any way a rejection of them. You want to be married for the security that provides for your children (or whatever your reasons are), but you do not want a wedding at all. I think telling people afterwards is more likely to cause a fall out. In fact, it might be best to begin the conversation by outlining your reasons for not wanting a wedding, and then tell them at the end that, because of these reasons, you have decided to get married in the following way. That way you avoid the initial excitement from you saying you’re getting married and the assumption that there will be a wedding that will inevitably go with that, that you then have to disabuse them of.

It does seem to be very 50/50 whether or not we should tell people. We don’t want it to seem like a big secret or huge announcement. We may casually mention our plans but not give a specific date etc

I would be happy to not be invited to my dc v. Small wedding (tbh only if other people were also not invited) but I’d be fucked off beyond all imagining if I was lied to about it. I would far prefer “we’ve decided to get married but we are just doing the basic no guests get the paperwork done at the registry office and aren’t inviting anyone” rather than be told there isn’t a wedding and find out later that there is but I appreciate being told in advance might open the door to “we will pay for the room” and attempts to organise a party and then you end up having to be very firm.

We would have considered it, but it was only for gay couples when we married. But I don’t see why the type of people to be upset they weren’t invited to a family member’s wedding would be any less upset they weren’t invited to the same family member’s civil partnership.

This.

If anyone complains you tell them it's what you wanted and you had a great day. They can't really argue with that so will shut up quickly.

We got married like this - no family, just our friends who lived next door as witnesses.
You're always going to offend someone, so you may as well do the whole lot all at once! Either way, you definitely can't show favouritism by only inviting some family members and not others, so having nobody solves the problem.

Btw, we have no regrets, been together 30 years now... I recommend it!

My witnesses were the wedding planner and the photographer (Gibraltar). No one else was there except the registrar, DH and me. Then we had a fabulous time driving all over Gib in a 1950s car getting photos taken, including going up the Rock in the cable car.