Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

House clearing company - but expect to pay thousands.

We cleaned and cleared a single bedroom flat of rubbish and 90% of items (many many tips runs) and it still cost hundreds to have furniture and white goods cleared.

Not sure why you are annoyed by this. It doesn’t sound like they expect you to take their stuff now. Unless there will names you are executors or beneficiaries then surely it’s just future planning. My own parents have sentimental items, often they ask me if I want something they have that they want rid off as a nice thing to offer but I’m always honest if I don’t have the space same taste etc. You could always mention auction houses that take items if they looking to declutter now but I wouldn’t be too ruthless if they are still alive and just considering the future.

If clearing a house of clutter is the worst issue you end up facing with elderly DPs/DPILs then you will have got off exceedingly lightly.
I would suggest that DH makes sure they have POA in place. That way if - for example- they were both in a care home and the house needed to be cleared for letting or sale to cover costs, you can use their finances to pay for any clearance.

Honestly when the time comes for my DPs, I want to just pay a clearance company and have as little to do with it as possible myself. DH says he wants to work through everything and extract any value from it, but the house has bad associations for me now because they are refusing to get the care they need and my heart sinks every time I go inside.

Let them carry on living with their “valuable stuff” . Once they have got you can get a house clearance company in to take it all away once you have taken the few bits you and DH might want. My DPs were the same convinced everything they had was valuable - it wasn’t ! we ( my siblings and I) after several discussions with them decided it wasn’t a hill we wanted to die on so we left it until they passed and then got the house cleared by a company.

Yesterday I came across a book called Nobody Wants Your Shit : the art of de cluttering before you die by Messie Condo

I am temped to get it for my house, we’re not hoarders by any stretch but we have too much stuff

Not suggesting you give them a copy - would say it depends on your relationship with them and their humour

But it goes to show that hoarding is such a common thing that people do!

Have you ever stood in a hoard?
Do you expect other people to deal with your squalor? Sounds like you do.

The difficulty with hoarding is that everything (including food wrapping) is precious.

Whilst I might agree with you on Clear Out, I do think it is reasonable to say if you haven’t seen it or used in three years- maybe it isn’t actually that precious. Are you actually going to fix that broken toaster? If you haven’t so far what makes you think your children will want to- when they have a working toaster at home?

I don't think the cats charities really fancy handling a load of reeking, cat-piss-soaked amonia junk either.

I wish DM had sorted it gradually over the last couple of decades so that her life and home were in better condition through her old age. It would be nice if the house was in a state where I could take my family to visit her, but it's a health hazard and the furniture too trashed for guests to use. One sofa has been unusably broken for about 25 years. She can't get maintainence done on the house because it's too embarrasing to have people in let alone access the space properly. How she hasn't had major falls from tripping on the threadbare carpets I do not know.

I suspect that the persistant cough that she's had for years that is apparently not a smoker's cough is actually from constant exposure to the amonia fumes from cat-pissy carpets and general dust.

The hoard is damaging family relationships in her lifetime.
The problem will not magically end when the hoarder dies. It's like a gambling addict leaving their financial messes to resolve.

There will also be the emotional baggage of dealing with my dad's possessions that have been procrastinated on for decades, and collections from various other family bereavements tangled up in there.

From my view: if someone I was leaving my house to said to me that I better clear everything out before I am gone, they'd be gone from my will, worthy charities it is.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

It doesn't sound as if they give a shit about DH/OP's feelings so why should they extend that courtesy the other way?

@Xmasiscomingsoon most of their belongings will not be of use or interest to you but, assuming that you are also named executors of the will ( they do definitely have one?) there are some pieces of paperwork that you need and while you can get copies it will make life much easier to have them.

Look online for a list. Remember to enquire about bank accounts/ investments and other policies. Numerous certificates are required for probate. I would express a sincere desire to do their estate justice and ask them to locate the relevant documents and keep them safe.

I have the unhappy task of executor to an aunt’s estate and while not on your level I know their affairs are a mess. I have asked them to do this but hold little hope.

I will put the whole thing into the hands of a solicitor.

And by the same token, its massively unfair to expect someone to clear our your shit after you've gone, and dress it up as an inheritanace gift.

Presumably you will inherit the house etc. in which case its just one of the executorship tasks, get a local auctioneer in to take anything of value to sell and clearance for the rest - will be surprisingly quick.

Yes of course they are- whilst they’re still alive- but it’s also selfish of them to inflict that on the OP after they’ve gone!

Glad you’ve had a rethink OP. Worrying about it now is energy you could put towards something more immediate.
I have this situation in my future too, as my DM is a hoarder. As was her DM.
I heard a really useful argument about ‘stuff’ recently and it’s changing how I think about ownership of things:
When you buy something, you’re hiring it for a particular job. For example, a table is hired to eat on/around. A coat is hired to keep you warm and dry. When the purpose of the hired item is no more, you fire the item. Table leg breaks - fire the table. Coat is threadbare - fire the coat. You can then hire new ones or decide if you really need to replace it.
All your in-laws items are things you’ve not hired (unless you want specific things) so have no qualms in firing the lot.
And as copious posters have said before me, take only what you/your DH really want and get house clearance to do the rest.
Hoarding is a mental illness from which people seldom break free.

The only way to stay sane here is to view it as similar to paying for a meal or a coffee or a drink out. You could pay a lot less and have something similar at home, but what you are paying for is the chance to get out and spend time in a different place, observing/eavesdropping on other people, having a chat with the staff, etc etc, and perhaps also getting a better quality or more elaborate meal/drink/snack than you'd ever bother sorting out for yourself. In other words, you are paying for the experience. There is no re-sale value, there is just the happy memory.

My mother has lots of things which are either entirely ornamental or which are useful but not getting any use now she is very frail and housebound. So what? She got pleasure from buying them and looking at them or using them while she could. She paid effectively for the experience and they have happy associations.

I see that as qualitatively different from a hoarder compulsively buying useless stuff they will never use from some psychological compulsion to stockpile stuff which by any objective standard is useless, out of some fear of what might happen if they didn't buy it.

What’s the difference if you help getting rid of it now whilst they are alive or when they are dead?

I think the only issue for you is if they keep valuable stuff amongst the crap. By valuable I mean not just things with monetary value, but things you might want, like family heirlooms, certificates, photos, letters and so on. If they do you might well have to go through everything in order to find that stuff. That's what we did with my mother's house, and left the rest in place for the house clearance firm. She wasn't a huge hoarder though, so our part took days not weeks.

Lovely post. Well done.

The very likely answer is that they won't allow OP to "help them now" if it involves actually getting rid of anything, so the only solution will be to accept a house clearance company will be needed when they're gone

They are incredibly selfish.

But the solution is simple: when they die you hire a skip and get rid of the lot. No guilt, no shame.
You don't need their useless toxic shit in your home.

Good.

You'll just stress yourself out worrying about it and you will stress them out arguing about it. There are no winners in this.

When it is time to clear it out you will find there is little that a few skips and a gang of strong people can't deal with in pretty short order.

Like most things in life, it's as much of a problem as you want to make it.

I think that it's more common among those of us whose parents lived through the war. We were taught not to throw things out.

I find myself having to use things until they fall apart. As I've said above, I've managed to put out a load of clothes. (I've lost weight and they no longer fit. I also got rid of things that were too young for me.) I'm now telling myself that I don't have to keep clothes that I don't like.

I realised that I still had all my uni notes from the late '70s, early '80s...Those are now out. I also got rid of a heap of books and other materials related to my former career. I tend to donate costume jewellery as I come across it.

I've had great difficulty putting out my late husband's clothes. I've solved some of that by wearing out his old socks and jumpers, etc.

I also purged most of the VHS tapes that I had in the house. (Yes, I know...) I'm having to check them all first, but I've only needed to have a handful transferred to a digital format. I've also thrown out a load of cassette tapes and had two transferred to digital files.

One of the things my mother has said to me is that she won't downsize because of having to decide what to keep. She has openly said that she knows she is leaving us a problem to deal with but that it doesn't matter because she will be dead by then and it won't be her problem to think about.

While we will be grieving her, we will also be dealing with a large and neglected house that she cannot manage. Or having to deal with it if she ends up in a care home and we have to sell it to pay her fees. It can't be left unoccupied because of its location/risk of break in so will have to be dealt with quickly. More than likely I will end up having to move in on a temporary basis and live in a house full of ghosts (it was not a happy home).

So, yes, I do see her refusal to declutter as selfish.

Getting rid of stuff while they are alive means you can do it gradually, and sell some things, or give them to charity, or find a family member who wants them, or recycle. When they're dead you might have to do it in a much shorter time frame, which often means binning usable things.

I agree, hire a skip. Just bin everything.