Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

Getting rid of stuff while they are alive means you can do it gradually, and sell some things, or give them to charity, or find a family member who wants them, or recycle

I'm sure we can all see the merit in this, @DuesToTheDirt, but have you ever tried to deal with a severe hoarder?

That pile of old, mildewed magazines? "My friend collects those"
The broken kitchen equipment? "I'm going to mend that"
The motheaten pile of blankets? "I promised those to so-and-so for her dog"

And so on and so on, with hysterics to follow if you insist and the time-destroying effort it takes to calm them down - time which could have been spent clearing but now never will

You must have some understanding of hoarding?

This would be extremely distressing for them and even if OP managed to pry anything away (unlikely) it would swiftly be replaced.

Yes. I helped my hoarder friend by taking away some things to the tip (at her request). They were quickly replaced via Amazon and QVC. I gave up.

This.

You can't force them into Swedish Death Cleaning, but what you and your DH can do is talk to them about the bits they are sentimental about (perhaps inherited from their own parents or grandparents. You may find there are items with meaning that DH does want to keep after all.

And photos. Ask if you can go through their old photos and see if they can name their own relatives. I did a little of it with my Dad, but I found albums after he died and I'd love to be able to ask who the people are and what the connected stories are all about.

We've just been through it with MIL's house after she died suddenly. DH has been overwhelmed as an only child, as MIL kept stuff from her own mother. MIL similarly used to say how valuable some items were, and they're not, just a couple of items of jewellery. We've currently got a huge picture that MIL bought because she loved it, but DH can't quite bring himself to get rid of it because MIL got such enjoyment from it. Trouble is, neither of us can stand it so all we can do is wait until DH has done a bit more grieving and then we can donate or sell it. The local charity shop has done well out of her, over £1500 so far from the "tat" that was too good to skip. Neither DH or I have had the time or patience to sell dozens of items for £10-£20.

They are being incredibly selfish - My DPs were the opposite, very frugal. They lived in a small house and didn't hoard. I sort of reacted against that and had loads of STUFF when I was married with the DC at home - but realised i could not afford to keep the family house post divorce so had to massively get rid of stuff when I moved.

The only stuff in my loft, apart from the xmas decorations, belongs to my DCs who don't have their own home yet and are in flat shares. I have a few nice pieces of art on my walls, which should go to auction rather than the charity shop - worth hundreds rather than thousands, but still worth doing - and I have labelled them on the back.

Having helped my friend's DD clear out her flat after she died I realised how little of what we have is of any value to anyone apart from us.

I took a couple of bottles of my friend's favourite perfume, which her DD was going to throw away, and I wear it when I go out to the places we would have gone together... but if I die tomorrow all of the meaning attached to those bottles will die with me.

Is there a small auction house locally @Xmasiscomingsoon ? someone who could come out and give your inlaws an honest appraisal of what they have? It might shock them into parting with stuff into a skip!

That does sound well worth it.
Although my grandmother didnt have things from other relatives. She was a orphan who had come to the uk from Ireland.
So I suppose it all depends on the chances of important things lurking around the house that people are not aware of.

Tell them you appreciate it very much but you'd rather they leave it to a charity of their choice.

WTF. He’s crazy!

I agree. OP doesn't mention any other heirs or bequests, so presumably she's going to inherit a large house. And all the parents' other property and money too? What a terrible imposition!

I am not sure how it is selfish to live the way you want in your own house?

one of my close friends died this year, 9wks diagnosis to death and by time of diagnosis cancer had spread to her brain so she wasn’t able to sort anything out. I helped her daughter clear her house and it was a task and a half as she was a bit of a hoarder. Nothing major, but it really did take many many hours for the two of us to sort everything, sell what was of value, go to the tip / charity shops. If you’re inheriting the house then i’d pay someone. My friend didn’t have much, so it wasn’t an option for us, and it was a small place. If you genuinely don’t want anything, arrange a house clearance.

Certainly a good excuse to have a clear out every so often, or one day your kids / family will be going through it all. I will be doing that again when I move house next year. So much stuff I never use so i’m being ruthless after my experience this year.

When the time comes, you go in and take personal documents, photographs and anything you want to keep or anything of value. You then call a house clearance company, and ask them to remove everything. Yes, it will cost money, but it will be worth every penny. Perhaps your husband needs to make it clear that once personal items have been removed, he will have a house clearance company come in. I suspect they simply can't face or be bothered to go through all the stuff they've accumulated over the years. Yes, in my opinion it is selfish.

Really?

If you wouldn’t gift someone a piss stained pillow for Christmas, why would you ask them to deal with it, and then be obstructive when they try to do that?

Are you happy and grateful to receive piss stained pillows, out of date food and broken small electricals? Or would you think “I wish people would deal with their own junk- both physical and emotional”
Are you a hoarder?

My mum had a clear-out after we had to empty Great-Uncle's house. There was still a lot of work for me when the time came, however (when Mum moved in with me). There usually is.

It is really really fucking selfish to leave a mess for other people to clean up after you die.

No I haven't, and I quite understand. I was talking in more general terms.

that's why you get a clearance firm in

clearance firm.

or example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

They don't sound like hoarders at all. Just people who have stuff that you don't like or aren't interested in.

Leave them alone. People are different and get enjoyment from different things. Some people enjoy having lots of books and the memories looking at them bring. Others like DVDS or vinyl or whatever.

It's just unpleasant to pressurise people to get rid of stuff now that they like or want.

If they aren't living in squalor or you are having to crawl over piles of newspapers, having things - even lots of things - in a big house is not the same as hoarding at all.

I think this is good advice. No need to argue or try to reason with them, op can just keep the plan in her head and get on with her life. And they can happily carry on hoarding. Win-win.

So are we all supposed to keep a really tidy and minimal home at all times just in case we get run over by a bus tomorrow? Everybody is entitled to live in their house the way they want to. When they die, it's fine for someone else to clear all the stuff out.

As others have said, get house clearance in, I wouldn't worry about it, you could spend years worrying.

If they are hoarders then of course they won't bin their stuff, they believe it's all valuable and useful, that's part of their disorder. They aren't being selfish by leaving it to you, it's the only thing they can do. You are free to bin it all.

If they own their house their will still be lots to inherit after getting clearance in, it's not like it's your money you are spending on it, it's the estate