Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

Well according to MN as soon as you hit 60 you should move out of your home into a rented room, hand the money over to your “hard done by DC”, be available to provide unlimited childcare whilst never expecting anything in return, only ever speak to your DC when they contact you etc

Clearing out your own house to save the DC having to pick up the phone to call a clearance company is a natural extension.

Luckily IRL my DC and all the others I know are nothing like the bizarrely entitled threads which appear on MN.

Urgh I share your pain. I've been there and done that and TBH I'm still recovering from the house clearance trauma 2 years after the house finally sold. Tip runs, skips, house clearance, charity shop runs. I still have some stuff to deal with 3 years later! I ran out of energy. Desperately trying not to inflict the same on my own DD when the time comes... it was a decent size 4 bed house, double garage and 3 sheds all full to the brim. I swear I could feel the house breathe a sigh of relief as its burden was lifted...

Presumably you’ll be inheriting the house along with their “stuff”? Don’t be so horrible to this couple , their treasures don’t have to be yours and clearing a house is a small price to pay . People saying “hoarding is a mental illness” etc - they like their things, they obviously don’t live a minimalist life but doesn’t mean hoarders or mentally ill! I think you’re terrible selfish people

This is what house clearance companies are for.

"At the same time, I can't imagine putting my DD in the same situation in the future knowing that she wouldn't want the stuff.
I feel like it is part of my responsibility to at least try to reduce the burden for my DD, but I know we are all different."

I think op it's important to remember that that this is you thinking things through in a clear headed and logical way. Your in laws are not in that place within themselves and are exhibiting very disordered thinking. Some people are always like this and unfortunately some become like this when they age or as a result of trauma/dementia or other vulnerability. So really any of us could start to exhibit hoarding traits the way they do. Just because they aren't living in squalor doesn't mean they aren't 'hoarders' or at least have traits of hoarding. There's definitely enough here to be concerned about the profile they fit and the examples you've listed are examples of disordered living.

I think I wouldn't think too much about it now, it's a bridge you know you will unfortunately have to cross when the time eventually comes and reasoning with them is unlikely to actually connect. I agree with pps that really all you can practically do now is set money aside specifically towards house clearance and at least you know in advance and can plan for this issue with the house. I would also look into hoarding in general and try to get more information on it and ideas of what support if any operates in your area as its very possible this could get worse rather than better as time moves on particularly if one is left alone in the home. At the moment if they're in reasonably decent health they are maybe able to keep on top of the cleanliness aspect.

I agree with most posters, there’s not a lot you can do. My mother is also a hoarder and I have tried multiple times to discuss with sincerity with different approaches including trying to make space so that myself and her grandchild can safely stay with them. These conversations have never ended well and my mother clearly finds it very difficult and upsetting to be confronted about it.
like others have said, one time she wouldn’t speak to me for weeks after having the conversation…. have a think now about what might really be worth keeping or trying to sell and get a clearance company to deal with the rest….

Doesn't matter whether you think it's selfish of not, I don't think they're going to change their minds, so not worth stressing over.
If your husband is the sole heir, then he can do whatever he wants with their belongings once they are gone.

Maybe choose a few items of sentimental value to your husband then get a house clearance company to take the rest.
Charity shops may be grateful for some of the stuff if you're prepared to sort through it to pick out the best stuff.

I think for a lot of people the definition of a hoarder is "someone who has more stuff than I can be arsed to clear out".

Or alternatively "someone who has more stuff than I think they should have".

House clearance companies make their money by finding stuff of real value and put it up for auction or sell to antique dealers.

So after they are no longer with you or one has moved into care , then first check to see if any items appear to be of value and then google or check with chatAI.

That is a mean and ignorant response to tell your parents possibly carrying on from wartime generation that it is of no value.

They lived through the fear of being bombed and conquered and since all the country’s gold and wealth was to be taken to Canada the population left behind would have been used as slaves.

Imagine living with that fear and you gather round you stuff which you think probably unrealistically would help you to survive.

It’s Remembrance Day on Sunday.

They are in their 70s - at most they were born in 1946 and entered adulthood in the 60s, but more likely born in the 50s (or the OP would have been calling them “almost 80”).
Besides I don’t think lack of fear of bombing or enslavement should mean your stuff gets slung out potentially 30 years before you die. I’m not the war generation but I’ve got far too many board games.

Hi @Xmasiscomingsoon I sympathise. I had to clear a distant relative's house, where they were hoarders. It took a specialist team of house clearance people, also some biohazard clean up, and cost was ~ £8k (I got quotes from several firms, this was an average cost).
However, what worked very well, was that I could leave the house clearers to get on with it, they knew just how to manage things and what (if anything) could be recycled.
I had taken away any financial /legal paperwork already, so I told the house clearance people to put anything relevant they found (e.g. bunches of keys, or even loose coins) in a plastic box for me to sort afterwards.

Yes, the cost comes out of the estate overall, but it's a depressing and horrible job to oversee. However I agree with PP that if people really want to keep worthless clutter such as the trays that chicken comes on, there is nothing you can do to stop them.

I was incredibly pleased that there are licensed, useful firms who do house clearance, as I could not have done it all myself.

If your in laws leave you the house and contents, then you can just get the contents cleared after they die.

If they have to sell their house to fund nursing home care etc, then they will have to deal with their belongings.

You’ll be fine regardless!

Good grief. As already pointed out, the OP's parents were not born during the war. The OP starts My in-laws in their 70s .... We marked 80 years since the end of World War II this summer. This is the same inability to do basic maths and join up the dots that results in care homes playing Vera Lynn to people who grew up listening to The Beatles and prog rock.

My DGM wasn't a hoarder really (she didn't keep rubbish) but she had lots of stuff in lots of cupboards in a massive house. And two sheds and a garage. It took us every weekend for a year to clear it all. But then there were some things we wanted in amongst things we didn't. Whenever my DF raises it she just said we can sort it out when she dies. But with her house you didn't see lots of stuff lying around so it wasn't noticeable.

We gave a lot away, tons of laundry detergent, furniture and food if we couldn't use it and people were grateful. We also had a skip and finally a clearance company.

It made me determined that my two wouldn't go through it. I continually declutter and buy much less.

With your in-laws you might find things of value amongst it or you can get a clearance company.

Hope you’ve left them out of the will!

Incredibly selfish. My mum had a very sudden terminal diagnosis and all she was worried about when she was dying was the thought of all the stuff in the loft that we were going to be left to clear out. She had started but it was still a couple of days work for 3 adults and a skip.

Get a clearance company

This is important. My parents regret being too quick / not taking the time to properly review the contents of their parents houses / being too quick to dispose of things that they later regretted.

I also think you can ask your relatives to add value to items now, for example old family photo albums are much more informative if the people are named. I remember by great aunts and great-grandparents as very old people, I'd be hard pressed to recognise them in black and white photos from the 1930's and 40's , but I'd love to see them as children if they were labelled and look for family resemblance across generations.

But a skip is good for the rest, just because you inherit doesn't mean you are obliged to keep it

Doesn’t sound like much of an inconvenience to me!

Just be clear that what they’re asking of you is selfish and unfair, and that if they insist on this you’ll put it all in the hands of a house clearance company. Though I would urge you to check for sentimental family items eg photograph albums, should you want them.

I’d also be voicing my concern about them living in a property at high risk of fire.

If my (non existent) kids said this to me, I'd do the hiding money everywhere trick and tell them I had done it.

I wouldn’t upset them by telling them what you think, it’s up to them how they live so long as it’s safe. If it makes them happy to leave you all their things then so be it. Why are you worrying about that now anyway, and why be so stressed about it?
when the time comes, get house clearance people clearance people in.

Will you inherit the house too? Getting rid of a house full of unwanted things is not a job I would want, however if I was getting a 4 bed house I would just grin and bear it.

My famly have just had to deal with similar.. it was a standard joke that they would get us all down "one day" to go through everything as they couldn't bear to do it - Hoarding is a mental illness which after looking at the state of the house can see why.

They had a dining room that you couldn't step into or see over the piles in there - it took 4 of us 4 days whilst living in the sliver of bedroom we cold get to and we found evidence of mice and all sorts.

The most upsetting thing I found is that there were so many things left to rot and ruin in a leaky garage or bottles of 1970s vinatge wine left on a window ledge - all with them saying "we're saving them for you as an investment" Its really sad.

My parents made my brother the sole executor, though we both inherited equally. To my astonishment he decided that he was getting a house clearance company in almost immediately after the funeral. We don't live nearby - hundreds of miles away in fact - and I only found this out when we were at the funeral. I had three days to go through the house picking out what I wanted. My husband got the train home, with a newly purchased suitcase full of stuff, and I drove home with the car packed with stuff. I got some things to the local charity shop too. He didn't want anything.

I didn't want to fall out with him so I said nothing but I am still deeply upset that he did it this way. I had offered to go through everything on a later visit - i had thought we could stay in the house for visits until it was sold, there was no rush.

But no. I drove home and that was that.