Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

It doesn’t apply to me. I have a lovely and caring adult child. I was referencing a quote to a post from someone who was leaving her estate to grabby cousins who suggested she have a direct cremation ostensibly to save money being taken from their share of the estate…bloody @2cubesoficeandasliceoflime cheek of them!
My mistake, I should have replied to to the original poster.

So selfish my in-laws are just heading to care homes and have left us with an absolute headache and financial issue by all of their selfish hoarding. We’ve had the very rural very run down manky house valued and frankly I’m tempted to set fire to the darn thing or hire some diggers and flatten it.

By the time we’ve traveled up, sorted, cleared paid to stay local x 20 billion times the house value doesn’t warrant the bloody bother, it’s all going on care fees anyhow.

there are sheds, house, barns you name it piled high of “valuable” crap. Makes me so mad.

Apologies to the poster who I referenced. My internet connection today is spasmodic and causing problems and closing down intermittently.

You're looking at a massive amount of money coming in when the time comes.

They are hoarders, which is a mental illness caused by things you probably know nothing about. And when they're both doing it, it's much harder to stop.

Their stuff around them probably makes them feel more secure.

Telling them 'you have to get rid of the stuff you love and feel better having around you at this end of your life to make lives easier for us, the people who are getting your house' is unkind and rather callous.

Think of it as a last service, a last duty you'll perform for them.

When you visit, familiarise with the contents so you know if there are any pieces that must not go to clearance. Sounds mercenary but look at it as saving good pieces from getting junked.

Once they're secure , you might consider having an open house where people can come and take what they like. Invite charities, shelters, etc. Dealers may scoop up dvds without you having to do anything. Sell or give, whatever.

Then bring in the house clearance for the rest. See it as an investment in your new property.

I don't think they're looking to save themselves money, tbh - I think they just don't want me to expect any of them to attend the funeral.

💯

If you’re lucky they might even take some photos of the house and put it on the market for you to save you a job!

Have they completed their own probate application yet?

So just leave it. If there's anything left after care home fees and your in-laws have actually died, then is the time to work out whether it's worth you doing anything or just writing the sheds and their contents off. Why would you bother with the 20 billion stays to clear junk etc. ? Live your life and stop resenting your in laws - you are choosing to get involved, you are not legally obliged.

I agree with this. This would be devastating to a hoarder. Just accept that you will have to do this for them.

I feel your pain! Like other people on this thread have mentioned you will not change their minds.Best to just get in touch with House clearing companies when the time arrives.Order skips.What really puts me off with hoarder's are often they are dirty! My Mother & stepfathers flat was full of mice droppings, decaying food in the fridge,dirty carpets & floor coverings, cigarette butts in over flowing bins.It was a awful way to live! They did not wish to change their behaviour,as then they would no longer be victims! I know they say it's due to mental health,but I think it's also about control! Whatever I suggested was met with one excuse after another.Their selfish behaviour deeply affected my mental health,the neighbors had to endure the smell & the environment.

I honestly wouldn’t argue about it…. When one passes you could possibly get the other to clear some stuff then… but if not you simply either hire a huge skip to clear everything or pay for a clearance company to come in and clear the house on your behalf!

I am currently supporting a hoarder to clear his house to make it safer for him…. It’s a mental health condition and they can be quite combative as they believe everything either has value or might come in handy… there have been cases where people have cleared hoarders houses and thrown away only ‘junk’ and the person has committed suicide because the feeling of loss is so huge! My old man wouldn’t let me throw away a broken mug because it was from somewhere he’d been on holiday…every single thing in the house has value to them…
He has accepted that the house is a danger to him and he is now allowing me to through away somethings - mainly literal junk that he should’ve just thrown in the bin but instead put in the spare room to throw away later - but it’s still progress!
To us it’s odd because the things he actually treasures like photos and books are buried and getting damaged …
Today while clearing I found a gorgeous chair…. Several bags of clothes still in their packaging which he’d forgotten buying and was absolutely thrilled with, I managed to clear a pathway to his wardrobes so he can actually hang his clothes up and my plan next week is to put everything in tubs and clear the bed so he can sleep in it… His wife died 20 years ago and today I found a pack of pants and a brand new nightie he’d bought her before she died….. that’s how long the room has been left untouched… the carpets have carpet moth… that’s the level of neglect…. He’s overwhelmed by the clutter but terrified precious cleaners would throw away something previous or useful…. I’m able to understand and empathise and he seems to trust me fully as if I say ‘what about this, can this go’ and he says no… I say ok…. And it’s out in the keep pile, no questions asked…. No judgement…. I’m grateful he does trust me because I’ve cleared so much stuff over the last few weeks, I’m sure I’ll soon be on first name terms with the staff at the local recycling centre 😂😂
I think you need to ease the pressure on your in- laws and just have the mindset that when it does come down to clearing the house you either clear everything yourself or pay someone else to do it…
I wouldn’t stress about it though, there’s no point - and actually you applying pressure or judgement will increase their anxiety and their need to hoard.
So when they say they’re leaving you their hoard, smile and thank them…
Also if they ask if you want any of their shit now ‘hey @Xmasiscomingsoon could you make any use of this worthless piece of white?’…. You respond ‘oh yes please MIL that’s just what I’ve been looking for… could I take this too as I really need one for xyz’……. Then dispose of at your will!
if she asks how you’re getting on with something just say ‘yeah it’s great thank you, my friends borrowing it ATM!’ Before you know you know it all the things she offers you and you usually decline because they’re crap, will be out of their house and collected by your bin men/donated to charity or whatever!

My friend does it to her mum lots, she has a corner where she puts things she doesn’t really want but doesn’t want to throw away because they have value…. My friend says ‘OMG can I have this?’… ‘I’ve been looking for one of these/need one for work/friend is desperate for one of these etc….’
They’ll often part with things if they think it’s being put to use!

goodluck

Can't you take what they offer and put it on eBay, or the local social media site in ''free or for sale''?

There are people who buy in bulk things like books and DVDs and tools are very useful, especially old ones. Not everyone can afford a set of electric/motorised tools and hang them on peg boards in the garage. There are enough poor folks who would buy them.

They could be dropping a hint that they want you to help clear it? You could tell them you are hiring a skip and can you put it at their house for them to put all the stuff they don't want into it?

Remember, though, 'in their 70s' is younger than you think. 67 is the retiring age so they have only just begun the rest of their life. They may need their stuff if they live to 90. The lady opposite me died last year at 95.

They could just be teasing you every time you moan about it.

At least you know what do get them for xmas this year…. A copy of the swedish death cleaning book 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you’re probably underestimating the amount of stuff they have!

Smile and nod. When they pass, do whatever you like with the accumulated shite and sell the house.

There’s something quite chillingly heartless about all this. What are they supposed to do then, clear everything now and live in sterile simplicity for potentially another 30 years to suit you? Get rid of things they have worked for and enjoyed because they’re not your taste? Is there really an expectation that the older generation should tidy up before they go? It should be up to them to decide.
If they are genuinely hoarders, keeping stuff to the extent that the clutter creates a dangerous environment and show signs of mental health issues then let DH lead intervention to make them safe. Otherwise turn your conversation to something else and enjoy your family while you have them. Pay a house clearer when the time comes but let Dh save his choice of memorabilia that represent the special history of his family.

Ooohhh FHS get over yourself. It’s the easiest thing in the world to get a house clearance outfit in when they’re both gone. You’ll be in your 70’s before you know it too, btw. Only redeeming factor of your post is that you don’t appear to have any ‘Be Kind’ tendencies.

I see things from another side.
It was quite upsetting that my parents decluttered pretty much everything before they died, not even considering that my siblings and I might like some of the many items they gave away to charity shops. Their choice of course, but disappointing that they gave away family heirlooms.

This!!

You’ll presumably do quite well when the in-laws’ house is sold. Until then, they can enjoy living with their accumulated stuff and you don’t need to fret about it. Make sure you know beforehand which items really are of value to you and DH, whether jewellery, art or truly sentimental treasures, take them and pay a house clearance firm to remove the rest.

I know my DDs won’t want to keep eg my entire family’s school reports, old correspondence and boxes of photos, they’ll chuck it all in a skip but I don’t see why I should throw away the paper proof of my memories.

Hubby and I have been through this. We didn't bang our heads against a brick wall trying to make them understand their stuff isn't worth keeping. Don't say anything.
In their final years there is no need to tell them that what they have valued and acquired over the years is junk. At some point they must have derived pleasure from whatever it was.

Just get rid afterwards in a way that suits you.

Then surely he can clear it and pay for the clearance?

That is part and parcel of being a landlord. The landlord then hires the clearance company and sends the bill to the estate unless there is no estate in which case its an expense offset against tax. Just as the landlord expenses will include any other repairs, maintenance, refurbishing between tenants.

Nobody is responsible for costs and debts incurred by random relatives.

no that would be mean. You just have to learn to live with it, and then just junk it when the time comes.

But get the Swedish Death Cleaning book for yourself and make sure you don't pass a similar burden to your own children.

When my DP died I had thought it would be easy enough to clear their tidy, uncluttered home. BUT .... In the attic I found a massive collection of other relatives' rubbish that DPs had taken on when they died, old stove hobs, gardening stuff. In the house itself the built in cupboards were bursting at the seams and I found loads of my childhood stuff which I thought I'd got rid of years ago (I'm in my 60s now). Nobody had any room for their precious repro furniture (and it wasn't to our taste anyway). The local charities were able to take the 3 (!) microwaves, all the rest of the kitchen equipment , bedlinen, clothes, and all the furniture away, and we all did loads of trips to the tip with the stuff that nobody could use. But it took nearly a month altogether, as we couldn't be there full time. And this was a seemingly easy home to sort.
I would strongly recommend a clearance company in your case.