Hoarder in-laws want us to inherit their stuff

[Xmasiscomingsoon]

My in-laws in their 70s are serious hoarders. They have a massive house filled with stuff.

They have repeatedly told my DH and me that they will not sort out their belongings and expect us to inherit or sell everything after they pass, believing it's all valuable.
For example, hundreds of DVDs, crystal decor, old DIY tools, and casual "jewellery" that's not my taste and to be blunt, not worth inheriting, the quality of something you would see in Claire's or Accessorize.

DH has sincerely explained that majority of their possessions have little to no value, and we do not want them. We offered to help them declutter or sell items, but they refuse, as they are unwilling to give things away for free or accept low selling prices.

We live in a tiny terrace with no storage. I dread the enormous task of clearing their 4-bedroom house, annex, and workshop when the time comes.
AIBU to think what they are asking of us is very selfish?

Thing is a lot of stuff like you described (old tools, old costume jewellery, crystal) DOES have value, but you need to know what it is and the energy to sell it.

Have a look at 'Curiosity Inc' on YouTube, hes based in Canada but there are other people all over the world that do the same. Basically buys 'old crap' people want rid off from estate sales, house clearance, abandoned storage units etc... then sorts the trash from the donate and anything with value (often overlooked stuff like vintage toys, old name brand tools, old advert pens, empty cans etc...) he sells in his shop where he has a dedicated following of collectors.

If you can find someone near you that does that they might bulk buy off you for a set price then do all the work themselves (assuming its not 'bio-hazzard' hoarding just 'lots of old stuff').

Leave them in their happy hoard. It doesn't matter what you do with it when they're dead. They won't haunt you. There will be good stuff so you should supervise a clearance company whrn the time comes.

They’re old and won’t change now. Shen the time comes get a house clearance in

I feel your pain, OP. I don't think anyone who hasn't been in this situation can truly comprehend it. I see posts regularly online from people posting random items from charity shops "how could anyone part with this" and I immediately can think of either my mother or father's house- two houses rammed to the rafters with accumulated 'stuff' which would take a year of full time work to sort through, each. I will be the one donating those items!

I spent more than a month this summer at DF's house in the USA. His entire ground floor was full floor to ceiling of his partner's stuff, who has since moved into a care home. I was only allowed to clear it out because he was fed up of it, and because the county was threatening to condemn the house if he didn't have access to the exits properly (actually a much longer story there, and not needed for this story!)

So because it wasn't HIS precious 'stuff', I could clear it. Sorted through most of it to pull out items worth donating, thankfully charities exists which will come pick up if you pack it up. It was hard work.

He wants me to keep everything in his house when he passes. There is no chance of that happening, but I don't tell him that. As some have said, hoarding is a mental illness, and my telling him "hell no dad, I'm hiring people in to clear the whole place!" doesn't serve any purpose but to fill him with anxiety.

But do I wish that generation would think of the people who will have to deal with all of that? Yes I do. Neither of my parents had to deal with this from their parents. 'Collecting stuff' is a relatively new phenomenon. The glee with which I see people in hoarder's support groups proclaim that "ha, ha they'll have to deal with it when I go! Why should I get rid of these things now!" I don't know, maybe just think of your children? I'm an only child and my lasting memories will be of the task of filling skips of the relentless piles of stuff in these houses.

The one positive is that it's made my house much better. I know I don't want to leave DS in the same situation.

….er….but….I mean, that’s not…did you read the…ummm….

Doesn’t matter.

YABU. This is a complete waste of your energy. Inheriting anything is a privilege. They may live for another 30 years and a lot can change in that time. Please park this - it really isn’t worth stressing over.

Your dad and gf thinking it's a huge joke is exactly what I see all the time in online hoarder groups. It's amazing how protective and proud people are of amassing so much stuff and leaving it for someone else to clear out.

As someone who has this task ahead of her x2 (two houses, and just me to do it) I sympathise with you!

Those saying that OP is being selfish and in laws have a right to keep whatever they want have obviously never had to deal with clearing a parents house! It’s horrendous; time consuming, emotional, back breaking, stressful, demanding, endless and the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My darling Mum passed suddenly at 69 and was in the middle of living life so hadn’t ‘prepared’ at all. For my sibling and I clearing her house has been so hard. She kept a neat and tidy house but lived there for 44 years (our childhood home) and so had a fair amount of ‘stuff’. I have vowed that I will not put my own children through that and will start to declutter myself but by bit so that they don’t have as much to do. Anyone who just doesn’t bother to do this is leaving loved ones with a hard task.

As long as the value of the inheritance is greater than the cost of employing the private companies who offer this service by a reasonable margin, what is the problem here?

Maybe I'm older than the average poster on this thread but it's infuriating to think of being told to declutter to save my lagatees the bother of dealing with it.

All mine is going to charity and they aren't trying to tell me to get rid of my clutter so they can keep more of the value of my house!

I've also watched my husband declutter the loft and garage over the last 2 years because he thought he was dying and didn't want to leave me with the problem.

It absolutely crucified him, mentally.

I wouldn't ask it of anyone.

There is a second hand dealer in our area who cleared my parents house for a few hundred pounds. They took everything and either recycled or sold it. They didn't want us to do anything. Bee just took out the stuff we did want. No stress at all.

Also, I am actually still alive myself and using my things, so am not getting rid of anything for years!

I think people are saying that, at a time when they were grieving, it was more tasks and hassle and heartache that they didn’t need.
Plus time and money they may not have.

At the end of the day- do what you like- people always do anyway, but it is considerate to minimize the hassle you leave behind after your death.
There are those here who feel entitled to leave behind any amount of hassle. I think that is selfish of them, their sense is that because they can, why shouldn’t they cause work for their grieving children. (And of course they want that gratitude whilst living)

I also think the simplistic “well don’t bother then” is a really unhelpful comment to those who may actually be grieving or who are trying to manage it respectfully.

There is nothing you can do now to change their minds. It is how they are and can be a mental illness. Trying to make them see sense is pointless and will lead to frustration for you and them and it will do no good.

I had a similar situation with my own mum, who died and me and by sibling were left with the task of clearing out a large house. At the start it was overwhelming - particularly in that period between death and funeral where you know the task is coming up but cannot face doing it. But in the end it was not as bad as I expected. Friends and family got involved in the clearance and we ordered a huge skip for a week. When you are literally slinging stuff out it does not take long. What takes a long time is sorting through things. We advertised things for free on facebook and put them all outside with people collecting things all day. What wasn't collected went into the skip. We also took loads to the charity shop - carrier bags of clothing and trinkets. We went room by room. The garage was floor to ceiling stuff going back decades with just a small path running through the clutter - all cleared in 2 days with the help of friends. So my key point is - don't stress about it now. You can and will be able to get through it when you need to. The only issue is that there were some things we did want to keep that probably got slung in skip or charity shop bags. But thats just the downside to clearing so much stuff so quickly. You will get through it.

I have seen older people complain of just what you're saying, that it's upsetting to be expected to do something like this.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable to start to think of it. There's a whole lot of grey area between "clear out and live in four walls with nothing, preparing to be the least burden possible to anyone" and "ram every spare room floor to ceiling with stuff you haven't looked at in decades, plus garbage." Bringing up the idea of maybe finding a place for some of these things while you're still around to make use of that living space isn't a bad thing, in my opinion of course.

My father has spent a lifetime of not doing any upkeep on his house or cleaning, he now has limited mobility due to illness and still cannot make use of that ground floor because of the flooding I discovered under the hoard which isn't going to be fixed anytime soon for myriad reasons. He's now taking 20 minutes to get up the stairs everyday. If he could have cared about any of this when he was fit and healthy, it would not be the neverending project it is now to get it usable for him. He will likely be in a care home first.

I don't know. I think there's a lot around this issue that won't be covered in a MN post. I'm sorry about your DH.

I think @Misla is bang on here, OP. Don't try to change or persuade them - it doesn't sound like they want to, so it'll just be wasted energy. Nod and smile when they talk about you inheriting their belongings, in the full knowledge that you'll be hiring a house clearance company. Honesty would only make them more stressed at this point as hoarders get emotionally attached to their junk and they'll hate to think of you throwing it away.

Obviously if they are in danger and getting rid of stuff is needed for them to be safe, that's different - but if it's just about your peace of mind, I'd be content with reassuring yourself and not waste any more emotional energy on wishing they were different. Easier said than done, I know!

We are having a clear out - stuff from our loft, mum’s house and stuff our Ukrainian family left behind when they moved out.

You might want some bits yourself otherwise…….

Charity shop/s. Different shops want/will accept different things. Oxfam are generally on the ball for decent books.

Skips for junk.

House clearance people.

Perhaps if you thought of them as “your children” rather than Bleak House legatees the other reasons for bothering to declutter might become obvious.

If you house has a loft full then it will probably be a fire hazard. That’s a reason to declutter.
Are there areas which cannot be readily accessed by someone with reduced mobility? There’s another reason.

Is there stuff that might actually be valuable. Could you get it into safe keeping out of your hoard, that might save it being junked.

What about those mid-eighties skis, broken toaster and the hostess trolley. Are they ever really going to make the light of day? Why not do it now, and save the people whom you love the task which will be done when they are grieving.

Or not, but accept that they just might think you are a bit selfish not to.

Actually it was 2 skips. I forgot about the second one. First one filled up in a week I think. Second one over a few weeks more. Its funny how I have forgotten about how much was involved in that process. It was 5 years ago now and she died during covid. We were lucky to have friends who were not fussed by lockdowns and helped anyway (we had all the doors and windows open anyway), and neighbours who looked the other way or offered help.

You could get them this book for christmas?
Nobody Wants Your Sh-t: The Art of Decluttering Before You Die: Amazon.co.uk: Condo, Messie, Huber, Hillary: 9781666630879: Books

Does your DH have siblings that can help clear the house or is he an only child?

If he is an only child and is inheriting the house will you be moving into the house so that your current house is not going to get overloaded with their possessions?

When my mother died we took what we wanted and then got the British Heart Foundation to come and clear the rest. The took what they wanted and disposed of the rest. The only thing we paid them to get rid of was the stair lift

There is a world of difference between acting to help my fictitious children after my death and my fictitious children telling me they aren't prepared to sort out getting rid of what they don't want of my estate after I'm dead and telling me to get rid of it while I'm alive.

My dad died , my mum is in a care home now so I needed to clear their flat before the new owners took possession.
I won’t inherit anything much at all as all funds pay for care home so are running down rapidly.
In all honesty I did not have the time or energy to go through much .
I took a few things to the care home to make her room look a bit more familiar and homely , I took one or 2 ornaments and a large box of photos and of course paperwork home with me .
The rest of it , I told any other relatives to help themselves and the remainder was cleared out by a local firm that specialises in this .
Whereas a friend of mine after both parents passed away ..they then took weeks on end to clear the house .
She complained incessantly about doing it but would not use a house clearance firm

If someone bought me that as a Christmas present and they were in my will when they gave it to me, they wouldn't be on the day after my will writer was back at work.

Re-read your last 2 sentences.

It absolutely crucified him, mentally.
I wouldn’t ask it of anyone.

But you are, you’re asking it of the people left behind after you go, children, wider family, friends! So it’s ok for them to be crucified mentally is it? I am currently in that situation after my darling Mum passed and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, I will not be leaving my children with that task.

No it is not, and neither is it what I am asking of them.

For a start, the mental crucifixion comes from the fact that it's your stuff and you value it, it means something to you. By definition, if your legatees are going to throw it out, it means nothing to them.

And if you read my posts, not a strong habit on any forum, you will see that I only have an issue if the value of the estate is not great enough to pay a company to do it and provide a bit over to compensate for the effort of having to deal with it.