I did something stupid at the weekend. Can’t stop thinking about it. Why do I do stupid reckless stuff?

[Ineedatellingoff]

Hey. I’ll try to keep this brief. First off I need a good shake. Women who are in committed relationships/marriages should not get on like this! I feel so much guilt for what I’ve done but also glad it didn’t go further as it so could’ve easily done.

last weekend I went on a mums night out with friends. The first one in a while. It was planned ages in advance. I have been struggling with several things in my life and I feel very stuck in a rut. Day to day I get lonely because I don’t work and have been trying to get back into work with little success which has really knocked my confidence. I’m a married mum who is still fairly young but not very young if that makes sense. I’ve had a lot of trauma happen throughout my life that has damaged me as a person and my self worth. I love DH dearly but things (not lately but especially the first year of DC life) have been hard and we’ve faced issues. He’s a lovely man, husband and father.

on that night out I got very drunk because I mixed my drinks (I know better and know it’s not an excuse). I’ve been having a blip with mental health this while back and things were said to me, also setbacks etc. we were having fun just catching up and dancing. We went out of the venue to go to another when we started talking to some random men. An attractive man gave me attention. I was hugging everyone like I do when drunk. We were cuddling and I allowed him to touch me (why the heck did I do that) me and my friend (our other friend had gone off with a random men) were trying to get a taxi because everywhere was full. Random man tagged along. We got into a taxi. Me and random guy were cuddling. I knew he was looking sex and if I was single I would’ve gone for it. He wanted to go into my place (DH and DC were at in laws for the night) I told him no.

when I got in my head was spinning badly and my whole body was shivering. It had been hours since my last drink. I went straight to bed and woke up hours later to feeling the exact same. I freaked out and phoned my ex who I’m on good terms with to come over because I was worried. He came over as I thought my drink was spiked. He told me it wasn’t. I told him what had gone on. We were talking and we cuddled (I don’t see that as cheating) for a while. I liked it because I’m a cuddly girly and I love being held. The way he held me felt amazing. After a while he put me to bed and we cuddled again. Nothing else happened and I was still drunk by this point. He left. When we cuddled it felt like no time had passed in a way which sounds awful.

I feel guilty for the way I acted. Like it’s not fair on DH. Why did I let myself get that way? Me and ex talked about it. He acted better that night like he did at the start of our relationship back then. I confided in him in what I was put through and he told me that I’m not happy and while that’s partly true but I love my husband but I sometimes miss the good times and being held that way. My DH holds and cuddles me too which I enjoy.

what is wrong with me?

So lie by omission? Don't you think her partner deserves the choice to decide if he feels betrayed by op's actions and the chance to decide if he wants to remain in this relationship?

Clearly some on this thread wouldn't be that bothered by op's actions and think hugging is ok. Some don't and feel this is not acceptable in a relationship. The partner should be able to decide his stance on this.

Honestly OP, do you you want your marriage to end and be a single parent?
Because your behaviour will absolutely get you there.
This is self sabotage and you better take it very seriously.
Do not touch alcohol again.
Get yourself some counselling asap.

Your life is in danger of implosion if you behave like this.
Your child and husband deserve better.
Go to your GP if you feel low.
Get help.

I’d bet good money she slept with her ex but uses the term cuddling to make it seem like she hasn’t.

If you have been drinking whiskey etc you won’t have been in your right mind (no excuses though).

Use it as a kick up the arse -

Give it at least a few months off drinking. It won’t help with the mental health issues and there’s lots of al free alternatives for a night out. It clearly doesn’t agree with you.

Book in with mental health nurse at your GPs today. Even if the appointment isn’t for a while use that time for not drinking and some clean living. You probably could do with some counselling too.

Take one step this week to get you into the world of work - one bit of research, or contacting an agency or posting on here on the jobs board.

You are really lucky it didn’t go further. Take it as a lucky lesson to get your life into shape. Don’t reflect on your ex or doubt your husband for now, your mind isn’t in the right place to do so. Take care x

This is vile. All the posters saying “I hope your husband doesn’t find out”… I hope your spouses keep their cheating a secret from you and make you live a lie. You invited a man round to your home that you share with your husband and child!!!! That’s another level of cheating for me. If my husband did that it would be over, immediately. I think to not tell him is emotionally abusive - you’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it.

You say you don’t consider cuddling as cheating. What would your husband consider it to be? If you genuinely didn’t think you’d done anything wrong then you wouldn’t be feeling so guilty. You know you’ve cheated.

You obviously have no problem with cheating. You can say its mental health problems and so on but as you said in your post you get drunk and always hug everyone. Its not something new .
If your dh behaved like this on a night out. Including calling an ex to come round for a cuddle would it be OK with you?

Alcohol is not going to help your mental health in any way. For a start, it's a depressant. So really cut back when you go out, learn to enjoy yourself without it, and you'll make more sensible decisions. Find new friends if you have to, ones who have got your back.
And yes you need therapy to address your low self esteem and take a good look at what you want from your relationship.

He came over as I thought my drink was spiked. He told me it wasn’t.

Is he a medic?

Grow up.

I can’t help but think that you are trying to pathologise your behaviour. You got drunk (no judgement, I’ve been there) and cheated on your husband by letting another man cuddle and touch you. Then you called your ex in a panic and ended up cuddling him too. Now you feel guilty and are scrabbling around for life issues to blame it on. Therapy might help with your general struggles but it won’t excuse, or draw a line under, the fact that you cheated.

it is a combination of low self esteem and alcohol. I used to be like this, the self loathing the next day is horrible. I stopped drinking entirely 15 years ago, it was the best thing I ever did.

Everything you describe here comes under the heading of self-harm OP, and unfortunately self-harm of this kind becomes harm to others, and living with the consequences of that makes it even harder to get out of the loop you seem to be in.

I too have a problematic relationship with alcohol in such scenarios. It takes away your filters and decision making capabilities, and makes you feel invincible, and you know full well you're not. If you have stress / unresolved issues it's a lethal combination.

The "hangover" from going through these things can end up with people never trusting you, always expecting even one sip to tip you into chaotic behaviour, and your life being dramatically curtailed and out of your own control.

You sound as if you want to be "looked after" but that can easily become being controlled and the object of weary disdain / tolerance, as it comes from a place of exasperation and fear, not from being valued.

If you want to retain agency in your life, you have to unpick the drivers behind what you're doing, and decide if the momentary and illusory satisfaction the "thrill seeking" (because that's part of it) is giving you is worth the inevitable losses and the potential pain that others around you will feel, and eventually act upon.

Deep down you know all this, you know you have to change, you have a family that you do value, but there seems to be an element of detachment from them in the way you write, which could perhaps suggest you are kicking against the constraints of adulthood in general.

You have to be honest with yourself, for all your sakes, because believe me, you don't want to end up the written off family fuck up because you didn't address your pain in a sensible manner. It can be very lonely and eating humble pie every day is a very unpleasant experience.

You've got off relatively lightly here, use the wake up call to do better for yourself and your family.

You're not a monster, you're on a dangerous path. Get off it.

All the best.

I feel sorry for your husband and child. Sort your shit out.

I liked it because I’m a cuddly girly and I love being held.

Nope. You're an adult human being who's responsible not just for yourself but now also for helpless children; infantilising yourself is probably part of your problem but regardless, it's certainly not going to HELP. If you are touch-starved, consider getting a cat.

You need help. Stop drinking and seek it. I feel sorry for your dh and children. Your drinking friends are not real friends. I’d be giving them a wide berth.
If your dh was in a club allowing another woman to touch him and cuddling in a taxi etc how would you feel? You sound very immature tbh.

She called her ex, in the middle of the night, to come to their house. She told him about problems she’d been having with her husband, let him tell her she should leave, and then ‘cuddled’ him in their marital bed.

If my husband did this it would be over between us. If I did it to him I’d absolutely be prepared for things to be over between us.

The cuddling a random stranger on a night out - not ideal but I’d get over that a bit easier I think. Although even that wasn’t just a ‘cuddle’ was it - she says she ‘let him touch’ her - whatever that implies. She got in a taxi with him. She was clearly hovering between taking him home or not and because she didn’t, she decided to invite the ex round instead.

You minimising this is not going to do the OP any favours. Neither of the two scenarios are in the same category as ‘people hugging every day’ that you’re trying to compare them too. Both have a degree of intent behind them and both would be likely to cause significant hurt to her husband - although I think the ex one significantly worse.

OP I have some degree of sympathy - wanting attention/ validation from men is pretty deep wired in a lot of us but it’s ultimately fairly hollow. There’s a lot of men would cuddle you/ touch you and try to shag you - as much as we’re conditioned to believe that how fuckable we are is some kind of measure of our value, it’s really not and it doesn’t make us special. It won’t help your mental health or fill whatever is lacking in your marriage/ life. I think therapy and staying away from alcohol for a good while are good first steps.

You dont need to be vilified and abused on here, but don’t be too reassured by the few posters minimising what happened and saying it’s not cheating either. What you did was fucked up, and it’s risked harm to yourself, your marriage and the stability of your children’s lives. Now it may be that your marriage was in trouble anyway - but that’s something you’ll need to sort out with your husband and your ex should have no part in it, you shouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to have an opinion on it that’s really disloyal.

You need to grow up. Would you be happy with your husband doing what you did, and cuddling his ex in your bed?!

This really is an excellent post; it is firm without being harsh and honest and direct without being cutting.

There's a rule that I have, which applies to me, my partner, and my children: 'If you are doing something that you dont think you can tell the other person about, then you probably shouldn't be doing it'. For all those saying this is nothing - pretty certain this fits into that category. Whether we class it as cheating or not, it is hurtful behaviour and will damage and erode trust, which is the beginning of the end if you don't do something about it. I engaged in damaging and impulsive behaviour in my twenties. I had a wake up call and went into intensive counselling that I did for over a year once a week, and continue now on an ad hoc basis. I identified my childhood issues lead me to self sabotage, and alcohol is a big factor in that. It's also where I came up with the rule above, which may sound simplistic but really works for me, as it's easy to justify our actions to ourselves. Much later I was also diagnosed with ADHD (after my daughter was). Impulsivity is a big problem for those with ADHD. As a start, I would be speaking with my GP about what help there is available for you for counselling, probably CBT, and potentially alcohol as it is likely you will need to stop drinking and that will be hard. You will lose the life that you lead if you don't do something, but it can be done. You deserve not to live like this, constant worry and fear, which ironically is likely to drive you into more poor behaviour - its a vicious circle. There is a way out but you need to take the steps to change it.

Firstly, if you can't trust yourself not to do things that make you feel bad when you've been drinking, you need to stop drinking. It's really that simple.
Next, you need to tighten your boundaries with regards to your ex. Because unless you'd be happy for your H to have witnessed everything you did that night, them what you did was not OK.
Your ex is not a 'safe' friend to indulge being a 'cuddley girl' with. I'm willing to bet a great deal that he rushed over like Johnny on the spot in the hope of more than cuddles. He's also not safe because his 'kindness' (in the hope of sex) has made you reimagine him as someone he's not and a potentially better option than your DH. Remember why he's an ex.
Lastly, your marriage. Know that being bored with being a wife and mother is very very normal. But part of being an adult with responsibility is to know if you choose one path you forego another. No one gets it all.
So in the cold light of day, consider. Do you want to be a single parent 'free' to go on nights out meeting random men and doing what you want with your ex, but with a lot of disruption, upheaval along the way, or are you better off as you are? Once you've decided, you need to go all in.

Well here’s your shake…

you sound clingy, needy, and really cringe. I was kind of on your side until you invited your ex round?? wtf?

youre a grown arse woman. You don’t need to invite someone round to cuddle or hold you and put you to bed ffs. Grow up.

you say dh was out so you called your ex as if it’s a requirement. You don’t need to call anyone. You’d have lived. Plus I’m sure there’s plenty of other people you could have called if you really needed help. But no, you wanted to play with fire and got a kick out of calling your ex.

seriously, get a grip this is so embarrassing

On a mums night out 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ mortifying. I’m not buying all the self pity crap which is basically just you not taking any sort of responsibility for your poor behaviour.

If you behave badly when you drink, then don’t drink.

This. You're a married woman with children. Grow the fuck up.

Stop drinking, at least until you get some therapy. What a way to carry on!