Hey. I’ll try to keep this brief. First off I need a good shake. Women who are in committed relationships/marriages should not get on like this! I feel so much guilt for what I’ve done but also glad it didn’t go further as it so could’ve easily done.
last weekend I went on a mums night out with friends. The first one in a while. It was planned ages in advance. I have been struggling with several things in my life and I feel very stuck in a rut. Day to day I get lonely because I don’t work and have been trying to get back into work with little success which has really knocked my confidence. I’m a married mum who is still fairly young but not very young if that makes sense. I’ve had a lot of trauma happen throughout my life that has damaged me as a person and my self worth. I love DH dearly but things (not lately but especially the first year of DC life) have been hard and we’ve faced issues. He’s a lovely man, husband and father.
on that night out I got very drunk because I mixed my drinks (I know better and know it’s not an excuse). I’ve been having a blip with mental health this while back and things were said to me, also setbacks etc. we were having fun just catching up and dancing. We went out of the venue to go to another when we started talking to some random men. An attractive man gave me attention. I was hugging everyone like I do when drunk. We were cuddling and I allowed him to touch me (why the heck did I do that) me and my friend (our other friend had gone off with a random men) were trying to get a taxi because everywhere was full. Random man tagged along. We got into a taxi. Me and random guy were cuddling. I knew he was looking sex and if I was single I would’ve gone for it. He wanted to go into my place (DH and DC were at in laws for the night) I told him no.
when I got in my head was spinning badly and my whole body was shivering. It had been hours since my last drink. I went straight to bed and woke up hours later to feeling the exact same. I freaked out and phoned my ex who I’m on good terms with to come over because I was worried. He came over as I thought my drink was spiked. He told me it wasn’t. I told him what had gone on. We were talking and we cuddled (I don’t see that as cheating) for a while. I liked it because I’m a cuddly girly and I love being held. The way he held me felt amazing. After a while he put me to bed and we cuddled again. Nothing else happened and I was still drunk by this point. He left. When we cuddled it felt like no time had passed in a way which sounds awful.
I feel guilty for the way I acted. Like it’s not fair on DH. Why did I let myself get that way? Me and ex talked about it. He acted better that night like he did at the start of our relationship back then. I confided in him in what I was put through and he told me that I’m not happy and while that’s partly true but I love my husband but I sometimes miss the good times and being held that way. My DH holds and cuddles me too which I enjoy.
what is wrong with me?