I did something stupid at the weekend. Can’t stop thinking about it. Why do I do stupid reckless stuff?

[Ineedatellingoff]

Hey. I’ll try to keep this brief. First off I need a good shake. Women who are in committed relationships/marriages should not get on like this! I feel so much guilt for what I’ve done but also glad it didn’t go further as it so could’ve easily done.

last weekend I went on a mums night out with friends. The first one in a while. It was planned ages in advance. I have been struggling with several things in my life and I feel very stuck in a rut. Day to day I get lonely because I don’t work and have been trying to get back into work with little success which has really knocked my confidence. I’m a married mum who is still fairly young but not very young if that makes sense. I’ve had a lot of trauma happen throughout my life that has damaged me as a person and my self worth. I love DH dearly but things (not lately but especially the first year of DC life) have been hard and we’ve faced issues. He’s a lovely man, husband and father.

on that night out I got very drunk because I mixed my drinks (I know better and know it’s not an excuse). I’ve been having a blip with mental health this while back and things were said to me, also setbacks etc. we were having fun just catching up and dancing. We went out of the venue to go to another when we started talking to some random men. An attractive man gave me attention. I was hugging everyone like I do when drunk. We were cuddling and I allowed him to touch me (why the heck did I do that) me and my friend (our other friend had gone off with a random men) were trying to get a taxi because everywhere was full. Random man tagged along. We got into a taxi. Me and random guy were cuddling. I knew he was looking sex and if I was single I would’ve gone for it. He wanted to go into my place (DH and DC were at in laws for the night) I told him no.

when I got in my head was spinning badly and my whole body was shivering. It had been hours since my last drink. I went straight to bed and woke up hours later to feeling the exact same. I freaked out and phoned my ex who I’m on good terms with to come over because I was worried. He came over as I thought my drink was spiked. He told me it wasn’t. I told him what had gone on. We were talking and we cuddled (I don’t see that as cheating) for a while. I liked it because I’m a cuddly girly and I love being held. The way he held me felt amazing. After a while he put me to bed and we cuddled again. Nothing else happened and I was still drunk by this point. He left. When we cuddled it felt like no time had passed in a way which sounds awful.

I feel guilty for the way I acted. Like it’s not fair on DH. Why did I let myself get that way? Me and ex talked about it. He acted better that night like he did at the start of our relationship back then. I confided in him in what I was put through and he told me that I’m not happy and while that’s partly true but I love my husband but I sometimes miss the good times and being held that way. My DH holds and cuddles me too which I enjoy.

what is wrong with me?

Fair points well made.

You keep saying you need to 'grow the eff up' OP.. what you actually need to do is accept that fact that you don't want to be with your husband and he deserves to be with someone that does.

The least you can do is tell him the truth.

Life is easy with your ex, right now it feels fun, he ‘understands you’ , there’s no children so no responsibility but with your dh there’s the real world so stress, responsibility etc

Honestly, block the ex. Stop speaking to him! Put yourself in your dh’s shoes and think how hurtful this is to him and your child. I’m glad you see you need to grow up, life isn’t easy, if you’re unhappy then deal with it, talk to your dh about it and decide if you want to be married.
Your ex is an ex for a reason, remind yourself this and start creating a distance. If you separate from
your dh and want to be with your ex then that’s a different story but you’re not there right now.

Hey everyone thanks for all your messages. I realise I’m acting like a child. Being unhappy with life is so excuse to act out. I just thought I’d give some more context to explain some issues in my life as to why I’m lashing out and I do need and will get help as I don’t want DC and DH to suffer.

im not that close to my family. Yes I love them but I’ve been through trauma throughout childhood and adulthood. I feel they don’t get me and I can’t come to them because they think they know best and they try to control the situation with little care of how it affects me and my feelings. Growing up with a condition didn’t help. I was held back from thriving in life and now it painfully shows.

my DH although he’s a nice man he has his family to back him up and he’s allowed his family to say things to me throughout the years. Some of them deserved but not all. He allows DFIL to boss me about and tell me what to do etc. they’re not bad people but some of the things they say are hurtful. They are good to DC. DH sometimes joins in with them bashing me so I feel like I’m ganged up on because no one is truly in my corner so I’m trying to fill a void. During PND I was told I would end up divorced, kicked out and lose custody of DC. They tried to force me to go on meds. DH does his share with DC and in laws help too which I’m grateful for.

career wise I don’t have one which really upsets me because I need balance and routine in life to thrive. Again this is partly down to being held back. I’ve been trying to get a job for a year now and really struggled last Christmas because of it and now I can’t even look forward to this Christmas. I’ve had so many letdowns with work this year that I’m seriously considering onlyfans. I know that’s stupid but I can’t go on like this.

my days are lonely especially in the evening not so much during the day as I take DC to toddler clubs and crèche. I need that because I’d really struggle without doing that. DH works evenings and I’m grateful that he has a job that allows weekends off. During the evenings it’s hard trying to entertain a toddler in a small house that isn’t even mine because BIL has seen to that. I feel like I’m an elderly woman but also get easily overwhelmed. It’s hard to go out during the dark nights because my disability makes it difficult on my own. Others are usually too busy to visit me. I usually dread the days. The weekends I’m fine. I just feel empty and aimless most of the time.

my ex has grown up a bit but I’m not going to blow up my family for him because he should’ve been there for me all them years ago but I’ve been done being angry at him and I’ve forgiven him. We are on good terms. That night he made me feel secure, loved and carefree. Like I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone. His touch felt amazing and comforting even though I knew it was wrong. My DH gives me comfort don’t get me wrong

Yes, i also loved that part, where calling her ex instead of her husband was to spare his feelings! He just gets to worry about his marriage falling apart, and only seeing his kids EOW instead...

Absolute bollocks.

There's no connection there. If there was, one of you wouldn’t have ended it and you’d still be together. He was just stroking your ego when you wanted some attention. Don’t start trying to turn this into two star crossed lovers who fate is keeping apart. It’s a grubby, sordid little encounter that could have ended very badly for you.

You know your behaviour was wrong. Cuddling and being touched by a man that isn’t your husband is inexcusable, and calling your ex to repeat that was even worse. If you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, you absolutely shouldn’t be doing it.

What do we do destructive things? Because we are trying to escape our current situation. Your DH isn’t the problem, but your self esteem and mental health needs attention. If I were you (and I have made similar mistakes at low periods), I’d not drink again. It sounds extreme but you’re mentally not in a place you can trust yourself to drink and respect your family and DH. I stopped drinking entirely after a period of stress-related binge drinking and it really does stop you doing silly things like this. You also need some accountability. You are romanticising really dodgy behaviour and excusing it. Imagine if your DH did those things to you. It would crush you. You also have children who deserve to have their family unit protected, which you put at risk.

btw the job market has been horrendous for two years for almost everyone. Not getting a job is no reflection on you. Use this time instead to do some extra courses and training to bolster your skills and confidence.

Definitely speak to a therapist if you can too

my ex has grown up a bit but I’m not going to blow up my family for him because he should’ve been there for me all them years ago but I’ve been done being angry at him and I’ve forgiven him. We are on good terms. That night he made me feel secure, loved and carefree. Like I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone. His touch felt amazing and comforting even though I knew it was wrong.

Oh FFS have you even heard yourself?!

You need to block the ex. He's an ex FFS!

Ok, after reading your updates it’s clear you’ll be shagging the ex by Christmas and then blame your husband for it. With kindness, you really need to get a grip of yourself here and stop seeking solutions in men. If you are unhappy with your husband talk to him about it or leave him. What you’re doing now will end in disaster for you, your husband but most importantly your kid.

And how is cheating on your husband with a random and you ex is going to help your situation? How is that going to make your H or your inlaws respect you? How is that going to secure custody of your child?

If you're not happy in your marriage, make a plan and leave. Don't fuck about and do stupid shit. You are not helping yourself. You're actually putting yourself in potentially dangerous, vulnerable positions.

I'm sorry for your past if it was shit. I'm sorry for your present if that's shit but what you're doing will only make your life worse. I think you need to thing about steps you need to take to improve your life and maybe discuss them in therapy. Your judgement is off and you need someone else to support you to make good decisions.

Leave her alone fgs. She has already said how lonely she feels, craving affection is only natural and it seems like her ex is the one that shows up when it counts.

If you’re still reading OP, I understand you wholeheartedly and you’ll get no judgement from me. Your husband is clearly not putting in enough effort in the relationship so don’t let people gaslight you into feeling like it’s all your fault. You deserve to be wanted.

Stop speaking to your ex. You are still cheating. You seem to have learnt nothing in the last few days.
Also, OnlyFans is most definitely not the way forward.
You are acting very erratically and need treatment. I imagine when your in laws were trying to force you onto medication, it was because you needed it.
Make an appointment with your GP to discuss your mental health and destructive and erratic behaviours.
Next time you need attention/emotional support ring the Samaritans, not your ex.

You already blew up your family- the fuse is lit. Eventually it will get back to your DH. It's not as if you've attempted to be discreet.

You're not happy, your DH isn't treating you very well, blah blah blah, I'm sure all that is true but it doesn't really matter if he's a monster or the sweetest man ever. If you're not happy you don't start seeking a new relationship before ending the one you're in.

You don't want to be with him. You don't want to be with your ex either, you're just using both of them. You obviously don't want to be in this marriage or you wouldn't treat it like this.

If you had a just an ounce of respect for it, you'd have ended it before going around openly cheating on him in front of your friends and bringing your ex into his home, humiliating him and degrading him.

The next best thing now is to end the marriage so he can rebuild his life.

Why are you calling your ex so much its so weird?

Its her that contacts him though isnt it??

She allowed a stranger to finger her in a bar, got in a taxi with him, then went home and called her ex over for "cuddles" in bed, and admitted this ex encouraged her to leave her husband.

But other than that, no, she didn't do anything wrong.

Also if the mums are part of a shared friendship group with the husband, then most of the other husbands will know something of the club/taxi escapades

There was two other mums there. One is a long time friend (the one that stayed with me) the other is a new friend (the crazy one who was kissing everyone and got off with a guy). My guy best friend was there too but left hours before we did.

Genuinely gave up reading that after the first few lines because it reads like a damn pity-party. You come across as an awful person here, using past experiences (if true) as an excuse to behave like a child now regardless of who you may hurt - ie. your poor husband and kids. Why don't you just admit that you are craving the attention of other men? You lapped it up in that bar when drunk and allowed a stranger to touch you, you willingly got in a taxi with him, you then went home - presumably after sobering up a bit - and decided to call your ex to tuck you into bed, a man you have admitted you still speak to regularly and who encourages you to leave your family. The mere fact that you haven't cut communication with this man after he said that means you absolutely love this, you attention seeking twat. I hope you get the help you need, for your families sake. Grow up.

I hope your husband doesn’t find out but I wouldn’t count on it. Your marriage is going to implode all because you need to feel wanted and you crave men fawning over you. A horrible past is not an excuse. If you are lonely on an evening get a job. Now is the best time even if just to see if you can work at a supermarket on an evening then you will feel worthwhile. Work on your self and they type of person you want to be also work on your marriage.

Exactly. I hate being this way because it’s not who I want to be and I’m allowing myself to act out because I feel depressed. I’ve been trying to get one for over a year and it’s really disheartening. I need to move forward.

Hang on. So you have a disability that makes you feel like an old woman who can’t go out at night? How did you have this raucous night out on Halloween then?!
Your updates make me feel less sympathy the more you say, OP. You keep saying you need to take accountability, but your life is a mess and it’s everyone’s fault but your own. Lots of people have less than ideal childhoods (much worse than yours I’ll bet!) and go on To have successful lives and careers. It’s your parents fault you don’t have a career. Your brother in laws fault you don’t own your home (??). None of this has anything to do with your appalling behaviour. You’ve cheated on your husband with two different men in one night!! Do the decent thing; leave him, get some therapy.

You’re using depression as an excuse here.

Cut contact with your ex, stop messaging him and block him. I know it’s not what you want but it’s not helping the situation.

You need to focus on you right now, a lot of the issues you’ve talked about can be resolved so speak to a gp, explain how you’ve been feeling.
I’ve said this so many times to you but speak to your dh! If you’re unhappy with how your in-laws are treating you then tell him and make a change!

It’s hard looking for jobs but there might be some coming up with Christmas coming up, even just temporary and that’s a start!

Stop excusing how you’ve acted, yes you’re finding life hard right now but you’re also acting really badly and this impacts your family!