I did something stupid at the weekend. Can’t stop thinking about it. Why do I do stupid reckless stuff?

[Ineedatellingoff]

Hey. I’ll try to keep this brief. First off I need a good shake. Women who are in committed relationships/marriages should not get on like this! I feel so much guilt for what I’ve done but also glad it didn’t go further as it so could’ve easily done.

last weekend I went on a mums night out with friends. The first one in a while. It was planned ages in advance. I have been struggling with several things in my life and I feel very stuck in a rut. Day to day I get lonely because I don’t work and have been trying to get back into work with little success which has really knocked my confidence. I’m a married mum who is still fairly young but not very young if that makes sense. I’ve had a lot of trauma happen throughout my life that has damaged me as a person and my self worth. I love DH dearly but things (not lately but especially the first year of DC life) have been hard and we’ve faced issues. He’s a lovely man, husband and father.

on that night out I got very drunk because I mixed my drinks (I know better and know it’s not an excuse). I’ve been having a blip with mental health this while back and things were said to me, also setbacks etc. we were having fun just catching up and dancing. We went out of the venue to go to another when we started talking to some random men. An attractive man gave me attention. I was hugging everyone like I do when drunk. We were cuddling and I allowed him to touch me (why the heck did I do that) me and my friend (our other friend had gone off with a random men) were trying to get a taxi because everywhere was full. Random man tagged along. We got into a taxi. Me and random guy were cuddling. I knew he was looking sex and if I was single I would’ve gone for it. He wanted to go into my place (DH and DC were at in laws for the night) I told him no.

when I got in my head was spinning badly and my whole body was shivering. It had been hours since my last drink. I went straight to bed and woke up hours later to feeling the exact same. I freaked out and phoned my ex who I’m on good terms with to come over because I was worried. He came over as I thought my drink was spiked. He told me it wasn’t. I told him what had gone on. We were talking and we cuddled (I don’t see that as cheating) for a while. I liked it because I’m a cuddly girly and I love being held. The way he held me felt amazing. After a while he put me to bed and we cuddled again. Nothing else happened and I was still drunk by this point. He left. When we cuddled it felt like no time had passed in a way which sounds awful.

I feel guilty for the way I acted. Like it’s not fair on DH. Why did I let myself get that way? Me and ex talked about it. He acted better that night like he did at the start of our relationship back then. I confided in him in what I was put through and he told me that I’m not happy and while that’s partly true but I love my husband but I sometimes miss the good times and being held that way. My DH holds and cuddles me too which I enjoy.

what is wrong with me?

basically you're unhappy and don't have the self esteem or confidence to take charge in your life and make changes and so you're acting recklessly to drive change.

What the fuck are you doing still looking to your ex after all this?

Have you told your husband about the ex coming over?

I don’t think you’re in the slightest bit disgusted at your behaviour, you seem to be revelling in getting physical with complete strangers and your ex.
I feel for your DH, he’s in for one hell of a shock when someone tells him what you’re doing to get kicks, there’s no other reason why you’d be behaving like this.
The fact that you’re confiding in your ex means that you’re cheating on your husband, unforgivable in my eyes.
How long is it going to be before you’re sleeping with your ex or a total stranger?

Borderline personality disorder?

Oh the OP would love a label like that!

Nope, attention seeking, immature, emotionally stunted and a bit thick .

Ah here comes the affair partner.

Do you want to set an adult example for your child? there are plenty of people who grew up with an immature parent which left a long lasting effect on them and touched their career, their relationships, their health, their own families - basically their whole lives. You experienced trauma but if you don’t take the responsibility to get help for that trauma, you will be passing that on to your child.

To be honest OP, your messages now are just making you an attention seeking knob.

lol you clearly have a cuddling fetish, and are on here to get your rocks off. Managed to squeeze in three separate mentions of cuddling with three different blokes, how convenient!

@HopeMumsnet you asked the ex to come to your house while your family were at the in-laws!!! Are you bloody crazy?? Let's hope you don't have a Ring doorbell...

No, you don't. You're actively seeking out "connections" with other men. I keep in touch with some of my exes sporadically, because we've established there is NO romantic connection there anymore and we are just friends now. The communication is out in the open and the exes in question have met and get on with my husband. You're deliberately, both when drunk and when sober, maintaining a relationship with someone who still has feelings for you and you still have feelings for. Does your husband even know you have contact with him? I'm very sure he doesn't know that he is coming over the cuddle you and put you to bed when he's out!

You're using your husband because it's easy to stay in the marriage, but this is not what love looks like.

I love my husband. When I go out on a girl's night I don't cuddle other men, not because I exercise self-control and supress my passionate urges to be touched by strangers, but because I have zero interest in being touched by anyone who isn't my husband. The thought of it, and of what it would do to him if I did, makes me feel nauseous.

Are you sure you meant to tag Mumsnet?😬🤣

Honestly OP, it sounds like you like the attention and validation of knowing your ex will still come round when you click your fingers. He's still into you by the sounds of it, and you are teetering on the brink of an affair here. It already is an emotional affair of sorts as you are turning to a man who is not your husband for comfort and confiding your marital problems to him. You are messing with his feelings as well as your husband's, there are two men who stand to get very, very hurt here. Not to mention your children, if and when you are found out.

You've had quite a kicking on here already, so I'm not going to add to it as your actions seem to be driven by unhappiness and poor mental health, this is not the behaviour of an emotionally stable person. You have a choice point here though - either carry on down a very destructive path, or get some help and support to try and figure out why you are doing these things, and how to stop. Whether or not you stay in your marriage is another question, but addressing your own self destructive patterns will serve you well in life whether you stay together or not.

Take you away from your husband and children? Charming. You should not be having this type of conversation with your ex. You need to have an honest conversation with your poor husband. I feel that the comments you have made since you returned to the discussion are very enlightening as to what you really want to do.

Or she actually has Borderline personality disorder or another mental health illness

I’d wager…. Nope, just attention seeking and immature

I’m disgusted at myself for my behaviour I really am and also why did I like it so much?

Because you lack self respect and desperately crave attention from other men. You are getting an ego boost from your ex saying he wants to be with you. And the bloke in the club / bar wanting to shag you. You're not disgusted at all. You love it.

Your poor husband.

Sick to death of every person being labelled with a mental health issue / personality disorder.

It's just shit life choices and not being happy so using other men to boost her ego and give her attention.

@Ineedatellingoff how exactly are you going to take accountability? What goes that look like?

"We were cuddling and I allowed him to touch me"

Sorry but in what way did you allow him to touch you?! Everyone focusing on the ex which i agree is a major issue but you said you don't think the random guy was cheating...

Am I understanding correctly that your husband isn’t giving you enough affection? If so, I hardly think he has much of a leg to stand on if he ever finds out what transpired that night. If you can’t get the care and attention from your own husband then the choice is either leave him or get it elsewhere, and with a child I can definitely understand why you would pick the latter. Be kind to yourself darling x

So it's the husband's fault that op cuddled and got touched by a randomer in a club, after which she called her ex and "cuddled" in the marital bed?

@Swiftasthewind
Am I understanding correctly that your husband isn’t giving you enough affection
What leads you to think that? The op says her husband is a lovely husband, father and man.
The double standards on mn never fail to surprise.

For fucks sake. Your ex is an ex for a reason. You made a commitment to your husband - god knows why I think that’ll matter, people really don’t seem to realise that marriages take WORK - and you are behaving really badly. If my DP did the same I would finish it. It’s incredible disrespectful and cheating. Pull yourself together and be better, stop whining and get on with it.
your poor kids deserve better, and so does your husband.
all this woe is me bullshit.

😂😂😂 yes you draw your own conclusions. BTW there is another option. you are an adult I take it? , I’m sure a conversation about what you need is preferable to acting like a child and blaming others for your own inadequacies.