To not understand the "holidays with small children is just parenting in a different place" complaints?

[LadyGreyjoy]

We have an 18 month old and have just got back from a week all inclusive in Spain. Obviously we did just parent out daughter in a different place, but I don't see that as a bad thing and certainly not a reason to say there was no point in going. I love being a mum, I waited a long time for my daughter due to infertility and I've been dreaming of family holidays for years. Whilst I still had to do the parenting (which I enjoy doing anyway) I didn't have to cook, wash up or clean, the food was lovely and far better than we cook at home, I did no laundry for a week and instead of working all day and only getting two hours in the evening with my daughter a day I got to play in the pool/on the beach with her all day every day for a week. After she was asleep instead of watching TV and being too tired to do anything we sat on the balcony listening to the music from the bar and drank cocktails and chatted, real quality time with my husband I am usually too tired to enjoy.

On here there are many threads making out a holiday with small children is shit and not worth the effort and that hasn't been my experience at all. The journey there and back was a bit rough and exactly what I expected it to be like tbh. Other than that it's been bliss and I would 10/10 recommend people go and do it. I was kind of dreading it after reading all the threads here but I wish I hadn't worried about it so much now.

I have children conceived by IVF and naturally. They’re equally cherished.

Part of being a parent is making personal sacrifices for your child/children, the people that complain online that they don't particularly enjoy holidays when they are self catering aren't doing anything wrong, they are just being honest, which is fine, whether they have 1 kid or 4 they are still going on the holidays that the kids love, the fact that it is such hard work for the parents is testament to how much effort they put in to making it lovely for everyone but themselves.

Granted, if they went on AI holidays they would probably enjoy it more, but not everyone can afford that, so they choose to prioritise giving their children lots of happy holidays and experiences multiple times a year over prioritising their own personal enjoyment once every 5 years.

I'm amazed that you are criticising that sacrifice to be honest, it's part of being a good parent.

Wait until you holiday with teenagers. Whole different ball game and problems.

What a ludicrous thing to say. I have both. They’re equally cherished. IVF children are no more special and it’s highly offensive to say non IVF children are taken for granted.

I'm amazed that you are criticising that sacrifice to be honest, it's part of being a good parent.

I wholeheartedly agree!! People don't moan about willingly made sacrifices though. When people moan it's because they feel hard done by or like they shouldn't have to have made the sacrifice. All the parents I admire don't begrudge the sacrifice at all, they make it gladly. As do I.

My sister is an incredible mum and when asked if she feels like she's missing out by not being able to go and do adult stuff with her friends or stay out late anymore she says no, I'd much rather be playing with my kids. She's happiest with her children so has no FOMO and doesn't feel like she is sacrificing, she is living her best life, one she is blessed to be living and many childless people want to live. I feel exactly the same way.

I can't afford all inclusive so our holidays have to be self catering, usually camping. It's fine and we all enjoy it and new experiences are important. But it's still very hard work and it's definitely not a relaxing break for me. Me and dh still have to do everything we do at home plus children can be difficult when not in their usual routine. Mine also argue much more when they spend so much time together. I don't think you can compare an AI in a hotel with one 18 month old with experiences of people self catering with older and multiple kids

Not all non IVF children are taken from granted. Many are though. Some are happy accidents that came along without any prior yearning but are appreciated now they are here, some were planned but their parents just assumed they would have them and don't realise what a true miracle they are or how lucky they are to have them. None of that means they aren't loved it's just not the same.

Many children are neglected, some are abused, some were never wanted in the first place. It is a mistake to believe all children are cherished.

Oh come on! I am one of the people in the circumstances you mention, my children didn't come along easily. I adore them, I would lay down my life in a second for them as I'm sure pretty much all mothers would. There's no question about it. I'm not so self-obsessed as to think that means I love my children more than any other mother, and I'm also realistic enough to admit that as much as I do love them it doesn't mean I also love every single moment of parenting! There are bits that are difficult, boring, frustrating, scary etc. There are all sorts of emotions that go with motherhood, quite obviously, and I am not any less of a 'child cherisher' than you are because I dread the thought of having the "no, you are not having biscuits for dinner again" conversation for the thousandth time, or because there were nights I felt I would have sold a kidney/my husband/either child to get an uninterrupted night's sleep. (Obviously I wouldn't have gone through with selling either child, it was just a nice, momentary fantasy)

Your 'superior mother' rhetoric has put a lot of people's backs up in this thread.

Wishing I could go AI and ending up in a self catering caravan for a week (that my DC loved but I did not) is perfectly acceptable for an adult to complain to other adults about and feel hard done by in life. I for one wished I had more money but wasn’t wishing my children away.. the 2 things are not the same thing. You can begrudge your slightly shitty circumstances and still adore your kids at the same time. I did and would sacrifice my sanity for a week in a haven caravan park and give the kids a great time but can still feel fed up cooking pasta on a tiny stove with shit utensils. You don’t love you kids less for it or wish they wasn’t around?

Are you able to have the maturity, self-awareness and grace to reflect and rethink your attitude, based on some of the experiences listed here?

Didn't think you would.

Many people have answered in a reasonable way yet you still can’t reflect, and are focusing instead on giving rude retorts to a minority, where you pretend you don’t care and are finding it all ‘hilarious’ when it’s pretty obvious that that is not the case. Think you perhaps have some growing up to do. Good luck.

"Poxy caravan holidays"

Wow.

Do look out for a soft landing when you fall from that superior pedestal you are on OP. No-one will be available to try and catch you, as they will be away on their 'poxy caravan holiday' as you so eloquently put it. 🙄

im with you op! I travelled for months with 2 kids under 4 around asia last year on maternity leave - travel days were hard! But it was worth it and it was bliss - all the schedule went out the window - they were up late and sleeping in - had them out at loads of cool stuff - we were on the beach or swimming every day! never did my own laundry, real quality family time together! I never regret any trip or holiday witht the kids - its not always relaxing but its always brilliant and a nice escape from normal life!

When people moan it's because they feel hard done by or like they shouldn't have to have made the sacrifice.

I actually don't agree with that at all to be honest, when people moan it's because they don't particularly enjoy that part of the thing they are doing and use an outlet like an anonymous forum to complain about it.. but the crucial part is they still do it and the kids are none the wiser, that personal sacrifice is what makes them a good parent, they will put their kid/s first in what they do, whether they personally enjoy it or not.

Saying you have to actually enjoy every single part of being a parent or it doesn't count is not realistic at all IMO, and quite condescending, unfortunately, life isn't a 7 minute episode of bluey.

All the parents I admire don't begrudge the sacrifice at all, they make it gladly. As do I.

But you've had to save up for 5 years and forgone any other holidays because you only wanted the holiday that YOU would personally enjoy, and you say you wouldn't even entertain going on a caravan holiday because you don't think you'd personally enjoy it.. which seems to be the opposite of what you said above?

I'd rather go 4/5 times a year on a hard work (for me) budget holiday that my child loves, than make my child wait 5 years for a holiday at all.

OP your tone is so self-congratulatory.

Some people say they do not want any ‘mum friends’ as a defence mechanism. They have their own insecurities and struggle socially, so they prefer to say that they do not want to make new friends, rather than they don’t have the ability to do so. I would be careful around that. I had plenty of friends before I had children. However, by connecting to other mums, from NCT, nursery and then school has been so rewarding. Of course I am not best friends with all the parents. But I have definitely made a few connections for life that are ongoing even though my kids are now at university and working. It is always good to have some parent friends during the school years to help with emergencies and share some of the tasks and pick ups etc.

You are someone who could probably benefit from being around other mothers a bit and be less narrow-minded. Open your eyes and world a little bit. There are many ways to be a good parent and many ups and downs along the way. I suspect you will remember this thread and cringe in a few years’ time ;-)

That's great. This summer my 12 year old refused to leave the apartment. My 7 year old wouldn't go in the pool and didn't like the disco etc.

Was class. Can't wait for the next one.

I agree, I do things the kids want to do rather than what I want to do as they are my priority. I know they will enjoy it so I can suck up the bits I don’t love.

I tried to explain politely why I found it harder parenting on holiday, @LadyGreyjoy - did I waste my time?

I’m also someone who went through infertility so I have some understanding of what you’ve been through, as it was my eggs that were the problem like yours. We just found a different solution from you, we adopted our two DDs (now 16 and 13.)

I’m remembering DD1 at your DD’s age. She wasn’t easy to settle at all and holidays were worse than when we were at home. They were still enjoyable holidays, though, as she napped during the day and my DH and I shared the load. It became a lot harder when we adopted DD2, but we had nice times despite that and our DDs enjoyed them, which was the main thing.

And yes, we’ve mostly had caravan/cottage holidays. Because DD1 has always had issues with eating and there have never been many foods that she would eat. She also struggled to sit still for long periods when she was small. (She’s ND, still waiting for a neurodevelopmental assessment, probable FASD, and recently diagnosed with epilepsy.)

What I do remember is that it was hard to admit to anyone when I was finding things difficult as we’d pushed so hard to have DC, so I almost felt like it was expected of me to be enjoying motherhood. So my posts on Facebook were all positive.

But I found that I could share about the difficult parts of being an adoptive parent on Mumsnet, because it was anonymous and I found support from other non-judgemental mums. I suspect that’s why a lot of mums share negative feelings on here, it’s a safe place where they can be honest about things they’re struggling with.

When I’ve shared my various difficulties as a mum to 2 adopted DDs. I’ve definitely not intended to ‘scaremonger’, I’ve only been sharing my experiences.

I really think the bullying on this thread needs to stop (the snide comments about IVF in particular are uncomfortable to read).

But seriously OP, you can't think that because you've had one good holiday with an easy 18mo and a supportive partner at an AI resort that you're now spokesperson for parents and holidays.

It reminds me a little of when my LO used to wake multiple times in the night and other mums would say they couldn't understand why some mums complain about tiredness (the same mums whose babies slept through 6 weeks old). Not everybody's experience is the same!

And it’s both a mistake and offensive to believe that IVF children are cherished more than non ivf children.