To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

[Alixeab]

We moved to an area close to where I grew up. I went to an independent school and didn’t really know anyone where I lived.

When we had dc I said I was unsure about being part of a village where we didn’t go to the local school as it feels isolating. Anyway, we love living more rurally. I don’t want to move back to a city. But I feel completely left out of the village now my dc has started independent school. We are not invited to parties… there were three Halloween ones last week and all the photos up etc. I do socialise in the village and have made efforts to chat to the other mums and meet up with them but often I am asked if dc will move back to the local school
and I’ve always said I’m not sure and tried to be vague but it feels like a wedge between us.

we want dc to go to the independent school as the local one is basically two rooms ranging from age 3 to 11 and dc is very happy at current school. Is this just my life now? Feeling totally isolated? I do have friends from DC’s school and have mums I have known since the baby group days but village mums seem to have zero interest in my and my family. It feels so shit and was almost instant when we moved dc from the nursery in village to start school. Feeling really low as I love my friendships and would have loved to have been part of the fun and events in the village.

Sounds like you’re repeating history. Only you can decide if you want to do that or not.

I'm sorry you're feeling down but I always think people put too much stock on other parents for friendships.

If you really want to be more part of the village I would get involved volunteering at local events but in all honesty I found so much more peace when I made friends with people outside of my children/local parents.

So you’re repeating history and are surprised it’s having the same effect?

Why not put your kid in the local school then? problem solved

Who hosted the three parties you weren't invited to? If it was the school your kids don't attend/parents of kids who don't go to the same school as yours, were you expecting an invite?

People don't tend to be interested in other families unless they're thrown together and have a few common interests.

You have friends already, why not cultivate friendships that are based on more than just having a child? Hobby groups etc.

Part of the issue I imagine is that you have rejected the school where they send their children. That can feel quite personal, and maybe the parents feel rejected too. My own dc had friends who went to independent school, and they never had time for them anymore.

it’s not the end of the world though. I’d try to find another way into village life, maybe through organising things yourself, volunteering, or getting involved with whatever is going on.

I agree that you could have seen this being an issue. Of course your child is not getting invited to parties as friendships are transient and the kids want the people they see every day at school. You have deliberately excluded/separated yourself and your kids from everyone else in the village yet feel they should all go out of their way to include you?

What activities do your children do with the local children? Dance class or football or something? If nothing and you just want to go to parties where they'd know no one and they wouldn't know you then I'm not sure how that would happen. If there are village events that are open to whoever, then you can certainly attend them but actual children's parties and such are bound to be open to children who know each other?

I'd also figure out what to say when people ask you why your children aren't going to the local school as it sounds kind of judgemental the way you say it here and people can take that stuff quite personally.

You can get both is my experience. You can't have both 100% village life and 100% school outside village .

You have chosen the private independent school and your child is not part of everyday life in the village.

Presumably it is not bad will from other families that they show zero interest in your family.
They probably forget that you exist because the child is not present local. Maybe they assume youdid Halloween with friends from school?

I was that child myself. I did not know any local children or families I did not exist to them because we never met going to different schools.

We chose differently for our family based on my village/school experiences.

How do you give back to the community OP? Scouts, local parks, sports?

Yes I could do more by way of volunteering and will look into that.

i just think it’s a bit cruel not to include a child in the village in the parties. We are always friendly and polite to everyone. Just feel low as I don’t feel like I belong where I live which is a shit feeling

You are being daft OP! Their children are not friends with your children. You have rejected the village school and are therefore saying that your children deserve more than the education they are giving their children.

Of course people won't like that.

Do you invite local children to your child's birthday party? I just can't work out why you think you'd be invited just because you happen to live nearby. I live in a city so there are hundreds of children around but we only invite the ones we know to things.

@MumChp yes maybe they just forgot that’s true. The parties weren’t for a specific class though they were toddlers etc going so it felt like just us not invited

As harsh as it may sound, most people are not recruiting for new friends. Most people have friends that they’ve made independently, and friends that they’ve made through work, their DC’s schools, activities etc, and that’s enough. Personally, unless I really, super click with someone, I don’t have the time or energy to develop a friendship beyond saying hello if I see someone. Don’t take it personally OP, I’d say that the parents at the other school probably think you’ve got friends at your DC’s school and don’t give it another thought. Maybe look into getting active in your community (volunteering etc) to see if that opens some doors for you.

Tbh most likely they forget your child exits because it's not a part of daily life or they assume you do a Halloween party with your relations outside the village.

You could host a Halloween party and invite the village?

Who hosted the parties? They tend to be specific groups of people with a specific connection- best friends/entire class/sport team. Not every kid in a village.

@Goldfsh we haven’t rejected it. It’s a lovely school! We just wanted smaller classes.

If I were a local mum I would assume that if my kids were not good enough to be educated with, they wouldn’t be good enough to socialise with 🤷‍♀️ That’s probably why you are not included. In sending your child to be educated elsewhere you have shown that you want ‘better’ than the community can offer.

How is it cruel to not include a child who doesn’t attend the school?
What you are effectively saying is the school isn’t good enough for your dc but their social activities are.
Absolutely nothing wrong with a two room school imho anyway. But if it isn’t your choice I don’t think it’s then fair to then complain your dc will it’s out.
You lived this life yourself as a child and didn’t like it but are now repeating history despite that. I’m confused by your reasoning.

You've set yourself apart, and wonder why others see you as slightly apart?

Why would they include a random child they don't know?

By not sending your child there you have rejected it.

It depends what sort of Halloween party.

Community/parish council party in the village hall - 50p a ticket, everyone welcome, you don't need an invite and you/your child can absolutely attend.

A party in a private home, organised by a parent for their child and their child's friends - that child wants the kids they are at school with and see all the time. Your child does not get invited because they do not fall into that category.

Most likely they forgot you or assumed you weren't interested. Your child spends their day away from the village and will have no priority for the local community unless you are unusually engaged in for example, volunteer work.