To feel excluded from the community with no way back?

[Alixeab]

We moved to an area close to where I grew up. I went to an independent school and didn’t really know anyone where I lived.

When we had dc I said I was unsure about being part of a village where we didn’t go to the local school as it feels isolating. Anyway, we love living more rurally. I don’t want to move back to a city. But I feel completely left out of the village now my dc has started independent school. We are not invited to parties… there were three Halloween ones last week and all the photos up etc. I do socialise in the village and have made efforts to chat to the other mums and meet up with them but often I am asked if dc will move back to the local school
and I’ve always said I’m not sure and tried to be vague but it feels like a wedge between us.

we want dc to go to the independent school as the local one is basically two rooms ranging from age 3 to 11 and dc is very happy at current school. Is this just my life now? Feeling totally isolated? I do have friends from DC’s school and have mums I have known since the baby group days but village mums seem to have zero interest in my and my family. It feels so shit and was almost instant when we moved dc from the nursery in village to start school. Feeling really low as I love my friendships and would have loved to have been part of the fun and events in the village.

Agree with this 👆

To be honest it sounds like your decision to send your child to the village school has made you the outsider and your child by default. If all the kids go to the local village school they will mix together in and out of school as will the parents who chat daily. Invites will be handed out at the school and chats about parties etc had there. Naturally your child is going to miss out on these invites as will you. Your not part of the school community. If you want to be included enroll your child in the school.

If you put your dc in the local school, that’s not the end to friendship dramas! If only! You can still be too this or too that or trying too hard etc. you’ve got to live an authentic life you want to live. Sending your dc to the local school when it doesn’t align with your values so they might be included is a bit absurd.

Do you have parties that you invite the village children to? Or parties that you invite the people you know in the village, a summer barbeque or something like that. Your DD is very likely to make closer friendships with the children at school rather than the children in the village, I assume you invite those friends for play dates, and are friendly with the mums there?

I’m not sure I really understand this. I live in a small village. Some of the kids who live in the village I recognise because they go to the local school, and others I don’t, because they don’t. They go to various other schools for various other reasons. But if the children don’t go to the local school then I don’t know them and my children don’t know them and consequently we don’t invite them to parties. We also don’t invite all the children we do recognise, because they aren’t all my children’s friends. I can’t imagine a single scenario in which there would be an expectation for all the children in the village to go to any party, unless it was somehow organised by the community in which case it would be advertised and people would turn up or not, there wouldn’t be a question of ‘invites’. My children are friends with children in the village who used to go to the school and now don’t, and they’ve kept in touch through other activities (scouts and so on). Or I’m friends with the parents. If my children didn’t still see them we probably wouldn’t invite them because my children wouldn’t be friends with them any more - you can’t stay friends forever with everyone you’ve ever known.

OP it sounds like the crux of your issue is that you want your children to have local friends even though they don’t go to the local school. In which case, you’ll need to build friendships in other ways - extracurricular clubs like scouts and guides are great for this.

If there were several parties then presumably not all kids in the village were at each one. I don't think it is normal to invite someone you don't k ow well to a party in your house- different if it's i the pub or village hall. I also think that you can't expect to move to a village and have an instant circle of friends. If you really want this then you have to put in the effort and host... even then, people may not have space and time for new friends. I think this will take time.

How many parties have you hosted for the village kids?

In my village (I don’t have kids) I’m aware of various whole village kids parties, then I’m also aware of some that are linked to groups in the village that I’m a part of, and then there’s presumably loads I know nothing about because they’re arranged at school or between friends.

If you’re not being invited to parties, then it’s not a whole village party as it’s invite only. The whole village ones are advertised here, no invitations are sent.

If you want your kid to be friends with the kids in the village, you need to involve them in village groups (schools, church, scouts etc). They’re not going to invite the random kid from the next road who no one knows.

You haven't said who hosted the three parties.
If you think it's cruel to not invite every kid in a village to a private party, do you host whole-village parties?

I’m sorry you’re feeling excluded OP. I do think that most children invite school friends to their parties. For my DD’s party we are inviting 6 school friends, 2 old nursery friends and 2 cousins. There are quite a few children who aren’t invited just because numbers are limited, not because we don’t like them or their parents. Maybe lean into forming friends with children from school and join any local clubs to meet others that way.

Get more involved in the things you can OP – volunteer, other children's clubs (brownies, scouts?), the church, whatever. It's can't really be surprising surely? Parents are busy and won't have time for people who aren't in their immediate, operational circles - eg. school.

I get it. We live in a rural village/town too, and my children go to school elsewhere. I haven't made any friends here really – I work a lot and don't really have time – but I have made the effort to unroll the kids in a lot of activities where they can get involved with local children.

My DC goes to an independant school out of the town we live in. She doesn’t have the same level of close by friendships, in terms of kids on the estate that all know each other - they don’t know her! They used to, when it was toddler groups and nursery etc. I do regret it some days, but she’s made local friends recently through a club she’s joined and it’s been so lovely to watch. Of course she has plenty of friends at school, that aren’t friends with the local kids. You are not on their radar (parents or kids) and half the parents probably think you’re a twat or mega rich because of the choice you’ve made. I know half of the mums around here think that I think I’m above them (I don’t) and they can’t be bothered with me/judge me. I know I’m a nice person, but I also understand the implications of my choices. You need to own your choices OP!

Who organised the village Halloween party? Surely it wasn't invite only and those in the community could just turn up?

Have you invited the village kids to your child's parties / birthday outings? Play dates?

Your child is not in their social circle, the kids won't be comfortable with him.

I was.going to say the same, are there local sports teams/scouts/brownies/hobbies that your DC can join to make local friends?

So you’ll be inviting every child in the village and your child’s school friends to their birthday parties? What will happen if/when your child gets 2 invites for the same date and time?

It’s more effort to maintain a relationship with people whose kids are at different schools etc. You don’t appear to be doing anything but “being friendly” and expect that to open doors for you.

By definition you have rejected it for your child.

IMO parties are for friends and when you’re little those friends are from school, and maybe another best friend if they spend a lot of time together. Your dc won’t be invited to those kinds of parties unless you’re maintaining those connections outside of school.

Also if you want your dc to have these experiences I would be providing them. Did you ask anyone over to go trick or treating or pumpkin picking etc? For example I throw my kids a Halloween party every year so they get yo go treating with friends.

Yabu. Are you active within the community in other clubs, socials, activities, charity events? Surely not all the children attend the local school but may meet in other ways.

Come on, OP. Own your choices. You've rejected it. It is what it is.

Doesn’t sound like you know very nice people where you live! Perhaps we’re unusual but we have a number of private schools in our vicinity and some of the local kids go to them, and I don’t really think about it any more than just ‘oh they go to a different school’ in the same way that some go to a different state school for various reasons. If my children were friends with them outside of school (as they are in some cases) then we would invite them for parties and play dates (as we do). If my children weren’t friends with them then we wouldn’t invite them but it wouldn’t be because of what school their parents sent them to!

YABVU

Your DC is a stranger to the other kids, why would they invite them?

You are repeating your parents “mistake” - if it is one, that is your choice.

Well you are outsiders so that sounds right. I don’t know why you wouldn’t expect this, particularly as you are the second generation of this decision. Why did you think it would be different?

Not helpful for you but I’d love a tiny village school like that for my child and now I’m desperate to know where you live! I’ve never heard of a two room primary but it sounds lovely.

Op did you send your child previously to the local school and now you don’t or did your child start private in reception?

If the latter, then you REALLY REALLY can’t expect your dc to be invited as they simply aren’t friends with the local children. And if the former, well it’s sad but it’s the way things go - children are fickle and tend to bond with their school mates.

Like you, I was that child, and I hated it until my parents made the decision to send me back to the local state school where I felt part of the community again and had friends I could hang out with all weekend without having to get lifts from parents. When my dc started school, I considered private briefly but ultimately decided not to because I wanted them to grow up fully part of the community. A lot of local kids went private but as soon as they dropped off the radar they became as my DCs rather charmingly put it, ‘irrelevant’.

You do need to own your choices, op.

we lived in a village with a small school my dc attended. 1/3 ish of dc in the village went to private schools in the nearby city, they didn’t attend the events in the village ever, not even ones technically in the village hall because they had friends elsewhere, I suspect that people assume the same about you. Ive lived in multiple places and never experienced private school and state school kids mixing except in church choir